I'm experiencing Dissertation Frustration. Last night, after a great weekend (S & I threw C a surprise graduation party, and we truly surprised him), I had a long cry. I've been struggling with some feelings the past few weeks, and last night was the first night I let myself talk about them. Here's the issue: I'm not getting as much done as I'd like to be getting done. I have a million reasons why not: I taught a summer course; I haven't read enough and don't feel ready to write; we moved; and I could go on I'm sure. But I'm having doubts, not about my ability to complete the dissertation and to get a tenure-track job, but about my desire to do so. Every week day morning, I drop S off at school, and I feel miserable leaving him. It isn't the same visceral misery I felt when he first started going to school (yes, it is a total euphemism for daycare, but it makes me feel better), but it is there. I'd simply rather be with him. I get enough work done every day to justify having him in school, but I don't get as much done as I'd like. Altogether I've written about 20 pages, and it doesn't all go together and none of it is particularly good at this point. I find myself daydreaming about staying home with S all the time.
I expressed these fears to C, and he was a bit baffled, to say the least. I'm the ambitious one in the relationship; for a while, he actually thought I'd finish before he did. But somewhere in the past few months, I've lost my motivation, and I'm not sure how to get it back.
I'd say give yourself some time, see if the feelings are still there in a month or so. If they are, maybe ask yourself if you really *want* to get the motivation back. It may be that your gut is trying to tell you something, and there's nothing wrong with listening. Or, it may just be a matter of getting back into the routine of a regular semester (without the added hassle of moving).
ReplyDeleteOh my, I hope this doesn't come across as insensitive (because the comment I am about to write is only motivated by me knowing EXACTLY what you are talking about)--JOIN THE CLUB!
ReplyDeleteMy son is also at 'school' and I can tell you that the amount of work I accomplish each day is directly related to how happy he seems when I drop him off on the playground. Then I go home and turn on my computer...and look at pictures of him. It is difficult for me to explain my change in motivation, or maybe it's a change in priorities, since feeling such joy and contentment in parenthood. I don't actually think I care about my work less, I just care about the rest of my life a lot more. And I am choosing to see this as a very good thing (for me, but not so much for my dissertation).
I feel ya! I didn't accomplish any "real" diss work this summer. I had my son at home more than in the regular semester and I just indulged myself in spending time with him.
ReplyDeleteI struggled all summer trying to get something accomplished but just didn't. I had all year off last year from teaching and I think not having a regular schedule hinders my productivity. I hope with one class this semester having to get myself into work mode will help with my productivity.
And I second what AcadeMama said, too. Maybe you should take a step back and listen.