My new office

I'm writing this while sitting in my new office.  All of my books are unpacked, and I've made a list of the things I need to purchase to make the office fully functional.  You know, things like hanging files and tape.  I've sent an email to inquire about a computer (because this is a term appointment I don't get all the benefits that a TT faculty member would get, like start up funds to buy a new computer), and I've put in a request to have the office painted a pale peachy, ivory color (it is currently cornflower blue, which I actually like, but it is sort of dark.  If this is going to be my office for the foreseeable future I think I'd like a lighter color).  I'm in the process of deciding if I want to move the desk.  it is a good size office (about 8' by 12'), but the desk is a large corner style desk.  I'd like it to be facing the door, but I'm not sure it will work.  For now, I'm working.  It is so nice to be in my own space, so nice.  All of my things are out of Archer's office, and knowing that I do not have to stop writing mid-sentence if someone comes by to see him is, well, wonderful.  I can put my things on the wall, and I have plenty of bookshelves for my books.  I no longer have to schlep things back and forth from home to school, unless I absolutely want to.  I think this might make me happier than the house.

Here it is

*This is likely to disappear in a day or so.

Celtic House

After much deliberation, we chose Celtic House.  Archer preferred Square House, but I pointed out that it was the same price as Celtic House but lacked a garage (hello?  I'm not clearing off 12+ inches of snow off the car during the winter!) and a yard.  For me, the yard is a huge selling point.  So our agent and her husband (they work as a team, but everything is in her name) came over last night around 8:30, and we signed the contract.  Before she came over, she contacted the listing agent and asked what was the lowest offer the sellers would entertain.  It seems she has worked with the listing agent a lot and felt comfortable asking this question.  He gave her a number, she gave him a number, and he said something like, "I think I can get my people to work with that."  So we submitted an offer about $12,000 under asking price, based on a few things.  The house really does only have 2 bedrooms (again, there is a large finished room in the basement that could be a bedroom as well as a main floor addition that could also be used as a bedroom), and it has been on the market since May 5 (I think this is due to the bedroom situation; most people can't see the potential of this house).  Our agent said she'd drop off the paper work by 10:00 this morning, and that we should know something by 5:00 this afternoon.

At 10:30 as we were loading up the boys for Wild Man's 11:00 soccer game, Archer's cell phone rang.  It was our agent.  She was with the sellers and their agent, and the sellers were planning to counter at $4,000 over what we asked.  They told our agent that if we'd split the difference and meet in the middle we'd be done.  Archer said, "M and I have already talked it over.  We're 100% comfortable with that.  Let's close the deal."  So we got the house, which is a really lovely, little house (although it is actually much larger than it appears to be), for $10,000 under asking price, which is about 5% off the price.  More to the point, we like the neighborhood it is in much better than The House, and while it is a bit smaller, the yard is much, much nicer.  Barring any thing showing up on inspection, we have a house.  And while it is older, the only things that need to be done to it are cosmetic.  I mean, there is a crazy Greek-themed wallpaper border in the downstairs bedroom that has got to go, and the kitchen is the same copper color that we just painted over in our house.  But aside from that, it is a great house.  I'm very, very happy with our decision, especially considering how easily the deal went together.

As a bonus, we just got a call from our agent.  The sellers do want to keep a few things, primarily some plaid drapes they love (please, take them, I said!) and a light in the dining room that the husband made himself (I also said, feel free!).  In exchange, they are leaving us their massive freezer, their lawn mower and other lawn tools, and possibly some outdoor furniture.  It seems they are thrilled that a family with young children bought their home, and as they are moving to an apartment, they will leave us anything they don't want--and they'll clear it through our agent first!  What lovely, lovely people!  I think we're going to be really happy in this home.

One of three

*I started this post yesterday, but due to Bear's refusal to go to sleep in a timely manner, I didn't get to finish it until this morning.

Between yesterday and today, we've seen about 10 more houses.  Our options are limited given our price range and CU Land's market--which is, it seems, always a seller's market.  So after much debate and realizing we don't want to go over the amount we feel comfortable with (in reality, we could get approved for much more and we could also cover the cost of the down payment and closing costs, but we don't want to be slaves to our mortgage) we narrowed it down to three houses.

1.  Square house: the house is a take on a Georgian, by which I mean it is a big square with 4 windows in the front.  The advantages: it is, as Archer keeps telling me, a good, solid house.  It has 3 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms, as well as a newer roof, updated plumbing and electrical, and a newer furnace.  The kitchen has the original oak cabinets, which are in great shape.  I'd update the hardware, but that is fairly minor.  The basement also looks like it could be finished, making a smallish rec room.  The disadvantages: the sellers put in a massive deck, which takes over the already small yard. Seriously, these people must have spent about $20,000 on this deck.   It also has no garage, and it is on a really busy street.

2.  Celtic house: the older couple who live here are clearly Scottish or Irish, as it is adorned with all sorts of Celtic symbols.  The basement has a series of photos from the local Celtic Choir as well.  This house is red brick with a picture window in the front.  The advantages: it is also, using Archer's phrasing, a good solid house.  It is about 70 years old, but it is in excellent shape.  The couple who live there have taken excellent care of it.  It has a new roof with 35-year shingles, a nicely finished basement, 2 full baths, and an eat-in kitchen.  It also had a massive back yard with a lovely rose garden and a vegetable garden as well as a garage.  The disadvantages: it is on the small side.  Technically it only has 2 bedrooms, but there is a main floor addition that has a small deck, which could be used as the master bedroom.  The bedrooms are also large enough that the boys could share one until they are older, at which point one of them could relocate to the basement room.

3.  Cookie Cutter house: this is one of many brand new homes being built on the north side of town.  It is in, as Archer calls it, Suburbia Hell.  It is like any new development in the States.  All the houses look alike and are incredibly close together.  The advantages: it would be brand new, and we'd get to pick out all the fixtures, cabinets, etc.  The development we're looking at would put us about 8 minutes from campus, in a very family-oriented neighborhood.  Plus, our wonderful neighbors are looking at the same subdivision, although they aren't likely to move until next summer.  The disadvantages: it is a new subdivision.  We'd have to pay to put in the privacy fence and any sort of deck, as well as the flowers.  There are no trees, and since we're looking in the newest section, we'd be living in a construction zone for about 2 more years.

So those are the choices.  Realistically we could wait.  We don't close on our house until August 30th, so we do have time to wait.  But we're supposed to leave on Friday for the mammoth of all car trips to visit various people on the way to an 8-day stay in Home State.  Given my mom's current state of being, we need to be in Home State by the 6th of July.  She left this morning, and I'm anxiously awaiting the phone call telling me she survived the shuttle trip to the airport in Big City in adjacent state.  I need to be in Home State to go to that appointment with her.  I also just need this to be done.  We've seen upward of 20 houses, and after the fiasco on The House, I'm really just done.  I can't think about anything else, and I really need to focus on work.  So it will be one of these houses, unless our agent comes up with something by tomorrow morning, we're putting an offer in on one of these.

My mom

My mom has been visiting all week.  She arrived last Friday, and the ostensible purpose of the visit was so she could be here for Bear's birthday.  When she arrived, she seemed to be in good shape.  She was coherent, she was engaged, and she was present.  She did mention that she has an appointment with a neurologist early next month as she has been experiencing some facial ticks that neither her psychiatrist nor her G.P. can figure out.  I took that with a grain of salt as she has been under a lot of stress with her mother's death and some of my sister's and father's health issues.  I immediately thought that perhaps the ticks are due to stress.  We had a fairly good weekend, so I said to Archer, "You know, Mom seems to be in good shape.  I think she's doing well."  By Monday, it became clear, however, that she isn't doing as well as I thought.

She spent the morning house hunting with us, and by the afternoon, she was exhausted.  She kept asking the same questions over and over again.  When we took the boys by the house we really liked, she literally did not remember having been there less than 3 hours earlier.  On Tuesday, she went with us to complete the paperwork to put in an offer on this house, but she sat in the car and slept.  Wednesday she came to campus with me to help me unpack my office, which I finally have a key to.  She fell asleep while I unpacked and organized, and eventually she asked me to take her back to my house.  Keep in mind that Wednesday was Bear's birthday.  We had planned to order pizza and have cupcakes, as we'd already had a small party for him over the weekend.  When we arrived home after getting the boys, we found her still asleep.  She'd taken a 3 hour nap, and she complained throughout the evening of not feeling well.  She woke up yesterday with a cold, and she stayed home while Archer and I went to work and looked at more houses.  This morning she went with us to look at houses again, but she stayed in the car for much of the morning.  She is now back at our house resting.  Tomorrow she goes home, and I'm really concerned about her ability to make it on the shuttle and through the airport, as she really doesn't seem to be with it.

Let me add a few things.  My mother, as I've written before, is not a social person.  She endured our good friend's daughter's birthday party last Saturday, as well as Bear's on Sunday (there were 6 children there, including Bear and Wild Man, along with 5 other adults).  She went house hunting even though that is not her thing.  She played with the boys a lot last weekend, but since Tuesday she has basically sat on the couch.  She keeps calling Wild Man Bear and vice versa.  She's called me by my sister's name about 10 times.  If she had just seen my sister, I wouldn't find that so troubling, but she hasn't seen my sister since February.  When I correct her, she honestly doesn't seem to realize her mistake.  I last saw my mom in November at her mother's funeral, and she looks like she has aged 5 years.

I'm really worried about her.  I know that her medication for her bipolar does cause some memory loss, but this memory loss seems extreme.  She doesn't seem to be capable of doing anything for herself, and more to the point, she doesn't really seem interested in anything.  I tried to talk to her about all of this, and I don't even know if she understood the questions I was asking her.  Aside from all of that, I miss my mother.  This person is so different from the mom I grew up with that in many, many ways I feel like I've lost my mother. I no longer know who this woman is, and while I cannot begin to imagine how she must feel, that is almost unbearable to me.

I have so much more to write, but for now, I'll just say has been a really rough week.

House hunting. . .

continues, after a major disappointment earlier this week.  We saw a house we loved.  It was 5 minutes from CU.  If we wanted, we could walk to boys to daycare and then walk to work.  It was in the right school district.  It had a lovely yard.  It has 3 bedrooms, 2 full bathrooms, and a basement that had been finished--and finished well.  As a bonus, it was within our price range.  It did (or does) need a new roof before winter.  Taking that into account as well as the fact that we were the first people to see it, we put in an offer that was $4,500 under the asking price.  They countered with an offer that was $5,500 over the asking price.  Yes, you read that correctly, and yes, that is apparently legal.  Needless to say, we walked away.  In the meantime, we also filed a complaint with the local real estate board as the seller's agent said some incredibly unethical things to our agent, and we also wrote an email notifying the agent's broker that the seller's agent told our agent that her clients priced the house as they did to generate interest in the hopes of instigating a bidding war.  Again, totally legal, but also completely unethical.  If they had priced the house at what they thought it was worth, we'd never have looked at it as it would have been about $12,000 out of our price range.  As it is, we were maxing out our budget, but we were willing to do so because the house would work so well for us.  Yesterday, our agent received an email from the seller's agent essentially asking what they could do to convince us to meet their price.  I wrote back and said, "While we love the house, we are aware of it's flaws.  We were more than willing, however, to negotiate within the parameters of the original asking price.  As it stands, we believe it is in the best interests of all parties involved if we move on."  This morning the house was relisted at $10,000 higher than the original list price. 

Meanwhile we continue to look, and we're having a hard time finding something we like.  House hunting sucks.

Happy Birthday, Bear!

Two years ago today, Bear was born.  It seems unreal that he is is two years old.  Happy Birthday to our sweet boy!

I really hate . . .

that I am expected to hide my disappointment to make other people feel better about breaking promises. 

I feel a bit like Anastasia seems to have felt in her recent posts on being expected to assuage people of their guilt for backing out of commitments (the commitment in question was Anastasia's daughter's birthday party).  Why is it my responsibility to make you feel better?  Why must you say things like, "I'm so worried you'll be mad at me"?  If you're worried I'll be upset, chances are I'm going to be upset.  That said, it isn't like I have the temper of a pit viper.  I'm not going to lash out at you, nor am I even likely to voice my disappointment much beyond, "That sucks.  I really wanted to do X with you."

To what am I obliquely referring?  Bear's second birthday is next week, and we're having a small party for him this weekend.  As my mom is going to be here, I invited my sister, who lives about 5 hours away by car, to come as well.  I didn't expect her to come as she has yet to visit while our mom is also visiting (don't ask; I can't explain it).  She, however, accepted the invitation and assured me she'd be here despite her schedule.  She did explain that she and her two kids would likely arrive late Friday evening and leave mid-day Sunday.  Of course, that was not an issue, so I planned on her being here.  As Archer would say, that is where I made the mistake.  I should not have counted on her as she routinely goes back on her word for various reasons (and there is probably a blog post--or lots of therapy sessions--on how the only family members I can routinely rely on are my mom and my cousin).  I was so excited that we were actually going to have family in town for Bear's birthday that I believed her.  More to the point, I told Wild Man she was coming along with Brown-Eyed Boy and Girl, whom he worships.  Wild Man bought them presents at his school book fair--with his own money without any prompting from me.  He has talked about their coming for weeks, constantly reminding me that he has presents to give them.  He is excited to say the least.

As of this morning, I hadn't heard from my sister in about 2 weeks, despite emailing her twice to ask when to expect them.  She finally emailed this morning, saying that she's had a rough few weeks managing her bipolar, and that as much as she wants to come she doesn't think she's up to it.  She ended the email with, "I'm so worried you'll be mad at me."  Well, no, I'm not mad, and why would I be?  Obviously, she has to take care of herself first.  I do not, however,  like the assumption that I would be mad over something like this.  Disappointed, sure, but mad?  Um, no.  In fact, what makes me mad is the clear need for me to assuage her guilt for changing plans.  You're not well, and you need to stay home.  I get it.  You feel bad about it.  I get that too.  I also feel bad about it, but it isn't the end of the world.  Let's move on and be done with it.  I don't understand why I have to make her feel better about it.  I mean (and I totally know I'm being selfish here) she isn't going to have to deal with the utter meltdown Wild Man is going to have when I tell him his cousins won't be here for the weekend.  And I do mean utter meltdown as in sobbing and pulling the covers over his head, saying "I'm so sad, Mommy.  I wanted to give them their presents" meltdown.  I will, however, manage it, and we'll all be fine.

As an aside, I will not be telling Wild Man about any possible visits until I know they are on the way to our house.

House Hunting

I saw 5 houses today in the hopes of putting a few on a short list to look at once Archer returns.  Oh, I didn't mention that he left to go do research for the week?  Yes, that's right.  We sold our house on Saturday, and on Monday, he left the country to go photograph some sites and do a bit of archival work.  I dealt with mortgage stuff all day yesterday, and today I looked at houses.  Shall I say yuck, yuck, and yuck?  One was actually lovely.  It needed some work, but nothing horrific.  Nothing that we haven't done to our current home.  I was thinking it was a real contender, and then I went into the basement.  The house was built in the 1890s, and it still has the original cast iron sewer pipe, which doesn't look to be in great shape.  Yes, my agent took one look at that and said, "M, we're done with this one."  The sellers aren't likely to fix it before finalizing a sale, as it will cost somewhere in the ballpark of $15 to $18,000 to remove and update.  If it leaks at any point--and it looked like it was about to burst while I stood there--it would cause major damage to the entire left wall of the house.  So that one is off the list.  The others I saw were just ok.  Nothing to write about.  The one with the plumbing issues, though, makes me sad.  Not only did it have lots of lovely original details (including stained glass), but it was an older home that had been updated really well.  Plus you could stand on the front porch and see one of the three schools we're interested in.  Seriously.  I could stand on the front porch, drinking coffee, and watch my children walk to school.  I will stop now before I start figuring out how to fix the plumbing problems.

A little sad

That is how I feel about yesterday's events.  I do think we did the right thing, and that was reinforced today when Archer found a cheque for $350 from the Canadian Revenue Service that he thought he'd lost (I may not be that religious, but I do believe in karma).  I'm sad because this was our first house.  Yes, we'd lived in other houses--five since we've been married, as a matter of fact.  This house, however, was the first home we bought.  It was ours.  We made a lot of improvements.  We actually painted the walls colors we chose.  This home gave me a lot of comfort when we first moved to CU Land and I was so very lonely.  In fact, I made my closest friend in CU Land because we bought our house, and now we'll be moving away from our dear, dear neighbors who have become such good friends.  I could was sentimental for a while, and if you've been reading for a while, you know that I am more than capable of that.  I will miss many things about this house, and I hope that there is a house out there in CU Land that will become our home.

We took . . .

the offer.  We spent the last three hours crunching numbers, and we can make everything work with this offer.  While we both think there is a chance we may get a better offer, Archer and I are in agreement that a firm offer is not something we want to risk.  When we spoke with our agent and laid out our case, she offered to reduce her commission, so that is something.  Now the house hunting really begins.

Oh, and in the middle of everything my parents called, and I explained what was going on.  My dad asked me if we needed any money, and I said, "well, if you're offering, we could use some, yes.  We can pay you back by December as we'll be able to build our savings back up once I'm getting paid again."  So when my mom gets here next week for Bear's birthday, she's bringing us a check for a substantial amount of money.  That definitely helps in terms of a down payment. 

They countered . . .

with a reasonable offer, just $1,000 under our counter offer.  But now we're not sure what to do.  The house has only been on the market for 4 days.  Do we take the offer, or do we say no, hoping we'll get a better one?  This is a firm offer--absolutely no contingencies.  We'll be able to put an offer in on another house knowing that this house is sold.  And they don't need to close until the end of August.  But we were hoping to get closer to our asking price, so we'd have a better down payment on any place we want to buy.

And we don't have to sell.  If we don't get a better offer, we wouldn't sell.  In fact, several things have happened related to Wild Man and school which mean we do not have to move this summer, as we'd thought (I'll explain this in another post).  We could just stay here.  But we've already packed up so many things.  If we do that, I'd feel like we'd wasted the last 7 weeks, which isn't completely accurate. 

I have no idea what to do.

And we have an offer . . .

and it is a total low ball offer.  We can't accept it.  We can't accept anything near it.  See we don't have a huge amount of money saved up for a down payment.  So we're depending on what we make on our place for the down payment.  The smartest thing to do?  Maybe not, but it's what we're doing.  But the other thing is, given the amount of work we've done to the place, we're only stand to make about $4,000 if we get the asking price.  We will have a fairly good down payment though because we've been here for 3 years and have built up some equity.  We countered, and we cannot take lower than the counter offer.  We'll see what we see.

Confusion in CU

Let me begin with a few facts about me.

First, I am a rule follower.  I do everything by the books, even if it is a rule I disagree with.  For example, I pack Wild Man's snack for JK following the list of approved food items sent home by the school.  I do not send candy, I do not send chips, I do not send cookies.  He does get a juice box (with 100% organic juice), but only because I know he drinks it all (the school actually prefers parents don't send juice boxes as many of the kids don't finish them and the juice gets wasted).  That may be an important fact to know about me.

Second, and building upon the previous fact, I do what I'm supposed to do.  For example, if there is a department meeting, I go unless I have a damn good reason not to.  In fact, I am one of the few part-time faculty members in my department who attends all the faculty meetings.  Now that I am on the verge of becoming a fully-fledged full-time faculty member, I have made it a point to go to all the meetings this Spring.  Let me add two things.  There have a been a lot of long meetings (as in 2+ hours).  My part-time contract ended on April 30th, and my full-time contract doesn't begin until July 1st.  Technically speaking, I'm not employed, and therefore, I do not have to attend these meetings.  But I do because I want to know what's going on and I want to make a good impression.

These meetings have been about various things, but the ones that have been of most interest to me are the meetings focused on the department's hiring needs.  The department has been granted an open line for next year.  This means that the department is guaranteed this line; we do not have to make a case for what field we want to hire in.  We can hire in whatever field we want, and the powers that be cannot say, "Well, um, you have 17 faculty members who teach underwater basket weaving.  You don't really need another."  As a result of this line, there has been much debate as to how it should be used.  There were many people who thought we should use it to hire in the area that we were least likely to get approved for in the future, and there were others who argued we should just fulfill the biggest need, regardless of what might happen in the future.  To make a long story short, at the last 2+ hour meeting it was determined that the department would be hiring in one of three areas.  Everyone decided we needed to have another meeting in which various people would argue for the three areas, and then we would vote.  This meeting happened on Tuesday, and due to a mix-up at Wild Man's school*, I couldn't be at the meeting.  And I really wanted to be at this meeting.  Not only did I feel a responsibility to be at this meeting, and in fact, I felt a bit delinquent not attending the meeting.  I likely wouldn't have said much, but still, I really, really wanted to be at this meeting.

Why did I want to be at this meeting so badly, you ask?  Well, one of the three areas targeted was my area.  As in the job description could have been written with my CV in mind.  Why is that a problem, you ask?  Well, it is and it isn't.

Here is why it isn't.  I'm joint appointed in this department and another.  I was joint-appointed for two reasons.  First, it was the only way I was going to get the full-time job this year, and second, I can teach in an area in my second department that no one else can--an area that has a lot of interest at CU (I taught a special topics class in this area in the fall, and the class filled up in 4 hours).  Thus, having another person on faculty who does what I do would be a great advantage, especially as I will only be teaching 2 courses a year in this department.

Here is why it is.  My contract is a one-year contract.  I've been told that it will convert to tenure track, but I have not been promised this.  Legally, I can't be promised this because if something changes with the budget and they can't offer me the t-t position, I could sue.  Thus, there is a small chance that my position won't convert, and I will have to go back to applying for part-time work at CU.  This is unlikely, but this fact is in the back of my mind all the time.** If the department decides to hire in my area, there has been some question as to whether or not I should apply for the position.  If I were to apply, I'd be taken through the search like any other candidate, and I'm not sure I'd even make it past the letter/CV stage.  CU is, after all, an R1, and while I have an excellent teaching record and conference record, I only have un-peer reviewed publications.  I am currently working on this, and I will have several things under review by the end of July.  With any luck, I'll have at least one, if not more, publications going into the fall.  But the reality is, I'll be up against individuals with Ivy League educations who have less teaching experience but many more publications.  Everyone on faculty may love me, but it seems unlikely that I'd measure up against such an applicant pool.  Thus, I was hoping that the faculty would go with one of the other two fields at Tuesday's meeting.

Guess which field they went with?  Yep, you got it.  The department will be running a search for someone who does almost exactly what I do.  What does this mean for me?  I'm not sure, and I asked Dr. English that question point blank.  He doesn't know either.  He has discussed this with the dean as well as the incoming chair (yes, Dr. English, who has been so wonderful and so helpful to me, is stepping down as department chair).  They are not sure either.  He advised that I wait until the new chair takes over and meet with him.  I'm not inclined to wait.  I'm just not.  I mean, we're selling our townhouse and looking at houses in CU Land.  We want to put down permanent roots.  We want to stay here.  So what do I do?  I'm going to make an appointment with Dr. Writing to get her input, and then I will do as Dr. English suggested and meet with the new chair.  In the meantime, I'm revising one essay and starting a new one.

But I have to say, even though I know I was never given any guarantees and I know that me being between two departments limits what I can do for both departments, I'm upset.  I'm upset because I feel like my expertise has been overlooked.  I'm upset because I wanted some sense of security.  I don't like feeling as though I'm starting this contract in a defensive position (even though I know that I always was, at least to some degree).  I really just wanted to be able to focus on my research and writing for a while without having to worry so much about whether or not I'd have a job next year.

*Wild Man's class had a field trip scheduled for Tuesday, and on Monday afternoon, one of the parents who had volunteered to go had to back out.  As I'm the only other parent in the class who has had a background check with the police (which is mandatory in Canada for anyone doing any kind of work with children), the teacher asked me to go.  As much as I wanted to go to this meeting, I said yes so that the field trip wouldn't get canceled.

**Historically, CU has rarely made plans to convert a position like mine to a t-t line without following through.  

Summer time fun!

After a long, snowy winter and a rainy spring, summer is finally here.  We're taking advantage of the good weather, by getting outside as much as possible.  This weekend we took Wild Man and Bear to a local neighborhood fair, where they tired to play mini-golf.  Mostly they just chased each other with the golf clubs.  Wild Man was happy to go through the 9-hole course once, but Bear tried his hand at every hole at least three times!

Wild Man's musical taste

Oh, and it turns out that Wild Man knows most of the words to Katy Perry's "Teenage Dream."  I'm not sure if I should laugh or be appalled.  He did, after all, hear it from my iPod.

Random Updates

Life has been a bit hectic since the last time I posted.  Here's the rundown.

• The Conference: it went really well.  In fact, it may have been one of the best conference experiences I've ever had, if not the best.  My paper, which I did finish in plenty of time, went over fairly well.  I'm not sure it was put in the best panel it could have been, but I got really good input.  I made two really good contacts, which makes me happy.  Beyond that I met some really interesting people, I got names of two people who work on an author that I work on, and I also met several publishers who seemed interested in my manuscript idea.  I also got to spend lots of time with my good friend Harrogate, and that made the whole trip worthwhile.
• The House: it officially goes on the market tomorrow.  And the damn thing has never looked so good, which really sort of pisses me off.  I mean, seriously.  Every room, save the laundry room, has now been painted.  We have new carpeting on the third floor.  The entire kitchen has been redone (which was done a while ago, but Archer finally finished off a few small things).  Every surface has been scrubbed/dusted/vacuumed/mopped.  It is insanely organized (which is something that we both agreed we need to keep up with).  Aside from the fact that all of my personal items are packed away, I love how it looks.
• House Hunting: this is still officially on hold as we've decided to wait to see what we'll get for our place.  We're committed to staying very close to the list price, so here's hoping that happens.  There are a few houses listed in our price range in the areas we're most interested in, and I'm hoping they will either still be on the market or that there will be new listings by the time our place sells.
• My research: I've got a few things going.  Apparently the conference paper that I wrote wasn't as crappy as I thought.  I need to do a lot more research, but it takes me away from the sort of thing I've been doing lately.  Also, if I turn this paper into something, it will represent the first substantial piece of work I've done since completing the doctorate.  I think that will give me a big ego boost.
• The boys: Wild Man is handling all the moving/packing/house selling stress well.  He is determined that moving means we can have a dog!  We'll handle the moving school issue once we definitely know where he'll be going to school.  Bear, who turns two in two weeks, is doing less well.  He's cutting his two-year molars, as well as all four eye teeth.  He and Wild Man had been sleeping in the same bedroom for the last ten months, and we recently separated them.  Wild Man barely noticed, but Bear really seems to miss his brother.  He had a string of restless nights last week, but this weekend, he finally seems to have settled down a bit.
• The extended family: my mom will be here for a visit in about ten days, and it looks as though my sister and her children will drive up for Bear's birthday.  That means we'll have a house full of people while our house is on the market.  Archer asked me if I thought that was such a great idea.  Indeed, I do not, but our families come to visit so rarely that I do not want to discourage them.  Yetta has planned some things for our visit to Home State.  This sort of thing drives me insane, as it makes me feel like my time is not my own, but I've decided to go with it.  Clearly, this visit (and similar ones) have little to do with me (and yes, I'm being a bit sarcastic here).  I think it will be less stressful on everyone if I give up a little control and just roll with the punches.  Of course, it may not be less stressful on me, but I'll give it a try.

That's where I am.  I've been thinking about a future post that is somewhat related to what I study, and we'll see if I manage to write that at some point in the future.

Out of sorts

I'm feeling a bit out of sorts today.  I need to finish my paper, which I'm presenting at a conference this weekend.  I also need to finish the reading list for the literature class I'm teaching next year so that I can get my book order in.  I need to do about a million other things as well.  What have I done this morning?  I've booked my shuttle to the airport and made an appointment with a flooring store.  Oh, and I've had some coffee.  To tell the truth, I'd really just like to go back to bed.  I have lots of other things to do before I leave--like writing a note to Wild Man's teacher, checking in with Wild Man's soccer coach, prepping a few meals so life is a bit easier on Archer while I'm away, etc.  I think the inertia is do to the plain and simple fact that I really don't want to go away.  Do I need the time away?  Yes.  Do I like the place I'm traveling to?  Yes, in fact, it is one of my favorite cities.  Will I get to see old friends and colleagues?  Will I get to hear smart people talk about smart things?  Yes on both counts.  In fact, I'm rooming with one of my closest friends from Southwest College Town.  But I still don't want to go.  I don't like leaving my family, plain and simple.  It always makes me a bit sad.  I also don't really like being gone on a weekend.  I know I'll have fun, but right now, I just don't want to go.

Are you my mother?

My mom called today for our weekly chat (yes, that's right.  My mom and I only talk once a week.  If I call her any other day, she immediately thinks something is wrong.  Seriously.  She seems my number on the Caller ID and answers the phone saying, "Are you ok?  Are the boys ok?  What's wrong, M?").  As we were getting off the phone, she said, "Oh, by the way, I booked a ticket to come visit for Bear's birthday."  I said, "Um, what?"   She said, "I booked a ticket.  I'll be in CU Land for Bear's birthday.  If you sell the house by then, I can stay longer and help you pack."  I wanted to say, "Are you my mother?"  Instead, I said, "That's great!  I can't wait to see you."

Now, why did I want to say, "Are you my mother?"  In the almost 13 years since I've lived in my Home State, my mom has come to see me many times.  Almost every time she flies, so in 13 years, we're talking about 12 visits or so (there was a 2-year period when we lived in the Northeast that she didn't visit for various reasons).  Every single time I've gone on-line and booked her ticket for her, using her credit card number.  I even booked her ticket in February when she flew to the Midwest to stay with my sister, who had a depressive episode due to bipolar.  Yes, I live in Canada, my mother lives in the South, and my sister lives in the Midwest.  And I booked my mother's plane ticket to fly to my sister's.  So when my mom told me she booked her ticket to come see us all by herself, I was more than a little surprised.  I was downright shocked.  When I told Archer, he said, "Say what?"  I can't express how proud I am of my mom, and I said as much to her.  I'm thrilled that she did this for herself, and I'm even more thrilled that we'll have some family here to celebrate Bear's birthday.

Houses

So house hunting in CU Land is super frustrating.  Archer and I are still about a week away from getting our place on the market--maybe a bit longer, depending on how long it takes to get carpet installed.  We haven't looked at any places, but I have been checking the MLS website every day.  In the last week 5 houses in the neighborhood that is walking distance to CU and in the FI district we really like have been listed.  Each of them have been in our price range, which tells us they likely need a bit of work, but based on the pictures on the website, they are in good condition.  Because of their price range and their location, we decided to try to see them.  I contacted our agent yesterday, and we've been emailing back and forth since then.  It turns out three of the houses have contracts on them, one is a rental, and the agent for the last one won't return calls.  The three that have contracts on them were listed this week.  So it seems if we really want to be in the neighborhood (and it is one of three we'd like to be in) we'll have to move fast if we see a house in our price range.  This means putting in a contingency offer, which I'm not comfortable with.  So I've just emailed our agent with the list of houses we've compiled over the last 10 days or so.  I've asked her to figure out which ones are still available, and we'll go from there.  Have I mentioned I'm not a fan of hunting for anything?

Paper Update

I have written 3 1/2 pages and have a clear outline for the rest of the paper.  I have to write about 7 pages between now and Wednesday, the day before I leave.  It is completely manageable, so I'm not worried about that.  As an added bonus, I'd forgotten how good it feels to write something and to get the ideas churning again. 

Um, seriously?

So a suburb of Atlanta has made it illegal to breastfeed a child older than 2, in an attempt to curb public nudity throughout the city.  I have lots of things to say about this.  First, doesn't the city council have more important things to deal with?  Second, how is breastfeeding a child equated with being nude in public?  I mean seriously.  Why are Americans so flipping prudish?  Why is a breast such a horrific thing to see, especially when it is being used to feed a child?  I so prefer Canada and Europe when it comes to things like this.  Bear was 18 months when we traveled in Italy at Christmas, and he was still nursing.  In fact, I let him nurse whenever and wherever he wanted while we were traveling because we were often off-schedule.  I nursed him at the Colloseum, I nursed him outside the Duomo of the Florence Cathedral, I nursed him sitting behind Michelangelo's David, and I even nursed him in the Vatican Museum twice, not to mention on the train, in the airport, in the lobby of every hotel we stayed at, and almost every restaurant we were in.  I did my best to be discreet because I'm not comfortable having strangers see my breast.  But Bear was interested in looking at things, so he often lifted the cover so he could look around.  On several occasions, as I struggled to keep us the cover over us, people came over to us and pulled the cover away, so they could get a good look at Bear.  I was told over and over again how beautiful he was, and no one said anything about me nursing in public.  Why can't more Americans treat breastfeeding like this--as a beautiful thing between a mother and child?

Because that's how I roll

So I'm going to a major conference in my field one week from today, and I still haven't written the paper. 

It's not about me. . .

is my new mantra when it comes to dealing with Pita.

Yetta's Visit and the Aftermath

As I wrote on Saturday, this visit with Yetta has been good. Archer and I talked a lot about it before hand, and we did quite a few things differently. All of that, as well as the simple facts that Yetta seems to be happy now and that she came without Pita, have made for a fairly relaxed and enjoyable visit. That isn't to say, however, that the visit hasn't been without its moments. Yetta has, as is expected, shared her opinion on several things, and she has also vented quite a lot about Pita. In an attempt to process it all in preparation for our visit to Homestate in July, here is a smattering of what has been shared.

• Canada is a country without religion as no one ever talks about church. As Yetta hasn't really spoken to anyone but us during her visit, this statement translates to: I want my grandchildren to go to church, and you need to do something about that. This is something that is fairly easy to ignore. She isn't here on a daily basis, and she doesn't really know what we teach our boys about religion. Nor is that really any of her business. 
• Pita knows I've deleted her off of FB, which must mean that I hate her, that I think she's stupid, that I think she's unworthy of being my children's aunt, that I won't allow her to spend anytime with the boys when we're in Homestate, that I think she's untrustworthy, and any other number of things. I told Yetta that if Pita wants to discuss this with me, she knows how to get in touch with me. Yetta asked point blank why I deleted her. I said that I use FB as a way to keep in touch with people I don't see regularly. I don't want to log on to see pictures of my friends' children and find a message from Pita telling me that I'm a hateful, horrible, ungrateful person who doesn't understand what it is like to be as single woman and that as a proclaimed feminist I should understand what a single woman like Pita has to go through (yes, friends, that is essentially what her last FB message to me said, and that is why I deleted her). I said if Pita wants to communicate with me she has my email address and phone number. I also said that I don't hate her; I do not, however, feel called upon to deal with such messages from anyone. If my own sister sent me messages like that I'd delete her too. As I tried to explain to Yetta, it was a means of protecting myself. I left the conversation at that, but I know she brought the issue up again with Archer. 
• Pita is also convinced we've spent the entire visit talking about her. Has Yetta vented? Sure, and we've let her vent while keeping our comments to a minimum. Here's the thing. Two adult women live together in what can only be described as a co-dependent relationship. Pita is not the easiest person to get along with (and neither is Yetta, but to her credit, she admits this), so Yetta needs to vent. Yetta knows we won't turn around and tell Pita everything she's said, so she vents. And on some level, I think Yetta actually thinks she can "fix" the problems in the relationship by meddling. 
• Pita apparently thinks I'm dismissive and short with her on the phone. This came about when she called at 8:40 on Friday night. We'd let Wild Man stay up past his 8:00 bedtime to watch a movie with Yetta, and as he was getting ready for bed, he complained that his finger hurt. I looked at it and saw he had a splinter. Archer and I were in the middle of trying to keep Wild Man calm while we tried to get the splinter out of his finger when Pita called. I answered the phone and said, "Hi, how are you? I can't really talk now. I'm trying to get a splinter out of Wild Man's finger. Here's your mom." Apparently I was rude and hurt Pita's feelings. I apparently do this on a regular basis. When Yetta told me this, I said, "Well, maybe I do, but Pita routinely calls at dinner time or bed time and wants to talk to Wild Man and Bear. She then gets upset when Archer or I tell her that it isn't a good time to talk. She knows our routine. We've told her that the best time to call is Sunday morning." 
• From this exchange, Archer learned that it is my responsibility to make sure Pita has a good relationship with Wild Man and Bear. I am the one who is supposed to call her when it is convenient and when the boys want to talk on the phone. Yes, that's right, it is my job to ensure Wild Man and Bear have a close relationship with their father's sister. After all, Pita talks to J, her's and Archer's brother's wife almost every single day. J makes sure that her children talk to Pita several times a week. I need to take a lesson from J and be a better sister-in-law. 
• I could go on and on, but rather than helping me process all of this, I'm just getting more irritated. 
• What I've learned in the last week is that Pita is angry at me--or she is directing her anger at me. She is convinced I hate her and that I will not allow her to spend anytime with Wild Man and Bear. She thinks I don't trust her and that I will sabotage her relationship with the boys. I haven't, nor will I, respond to these statements from Pita via Yetta. Really, I think it all a bit absurd. Actually that isn't true. I think it is hateful, antagonistic, and mean-spirited. I think all of this is a precursor to the inevitable fight that will occur during our visit. I think Pita will be nasty and mean, and I think she will start the fight in front of my children. Archer said as much to Yetta, and Yetta said, "Oh, I think it will be okay." I then said, "I need you to know that I will do my absolute best not to engage her and that I will try my hardest to keep my temper. But if Pita starts something in front of my children, I will put them in our car and go to my parents' house for the duration of the visit. I fully realize that isn't fair to you at all, but I will not tolerate my children being exposed to the kinds of outbursts I have had to endure." Archer then added, "Wild Man will not forget such an outburst. If Pita yells at me or M in front of him, he will be very, very upset, and he won't forget it. It will change his perception of Pita, whom he loves dearly." Yetta said, "I hope she won't start anything in front of the boys." I wanted to say, "Having the boys in the room didn't keep you from calling me a horrible, selfish daughter-in-law the last time we visited," but I didn't. 
• So there will be some sort of altercation during our visit. I will be the object of said altercation. After the said altercation, I will be expected to forgive and forget. I will be expected to act like it never happened. I will be repeatedly told, "That is just Pita. She isn't going to change, so you should just forget about everything she said." The visit will be ruined because any outburst she has will be the only topic of conversation with Archer's family for the rest of the visit. Any support Yetta has promised in the past week will not appear because Pita is her daughter and they live together. I will cry. I will get sick to my stomach from the stress. I will want to leave and go home early. I will be expected to put on a happy face and get through it. I will be expected to make up or else I will be called a bitch (or much, much worse) behind my back. Archer will be forced to hear Pita say all sorts of awful things about me as a way to bait him into a fight. He will be told that I'm selfish, that I don't value family, that I privilege my family (i.e., my siblings and parents) over their family, that I'm an overprotective mother (okay, so that one is true), that I don't like to have other people take care of my kids (and that is also true), that I don't think anyone can do it as well as I can (well, no one other than Archer), that I think I'm better than her and everyone in their hometown.  Archer will be so stressed out that he will inadvertently snap at me, and I'll burst into tears because I'll be stressed out from being on edge waiting for Pita to attack. Then we'll have a stupid, pointless fight even though we're not mad at one another at all.
• And they wonder why I don't want to visit more.

A good visit

We are midway through Yetta's visit, and I am so pleased to write that it is going well.  She seemed really pleased with the plans we'd made and how we'd arranged things.  Yesterday we kept Bear and Wild Man home from daycare, although we did send Wild Man to kindergarten in the afternoon.  We're planning to do the same for Monday.  She's gotten outside with both boys a lot, even pushing Bear on his ride-on truck.  She and Wild Man have done several craft projects, and she has read to both boys a lot.  In fact, I think this is the most involved she's been during a visit since we left Southwest College Town.  It certainly helps that Pita isn't here (Pita is like an adult-sized 8 year old, and frankly, it's hard to compete with her for the boys' attention).  It also helps that Bear has come out of his shell.  He no longer clings exclusively to me or Archer.  He is much more comfortable with new people, and he has spent the last two afternoons bringing Yetta various toys and telling her all about them.  Yesterday was her birthday, so Wild Man and I made her baked french toast for breakfast.  I took her shopping at one of her favorite stores and bought her a scarf that she picked out.  For dinner we took her to our favorite pizza place.  She told us repeatedly that she was having a wonderful birthday, and I think she meant it.  She has been very relaxed about food, staying out of the kitchen almost completely.  I have to say it has been a lovely, relaxed visit. 

Pita has, however, been making some drama long distance, but you know, I'm having such a nice time with Yetta that I'm going to focus on that.

Being Judged

I'd never heard of the blog "Too Big for Strollers" until I read this article.  But I complete agree with the author about being judged as a parent.  I have lots more to say about this (including recognizing that I'm guilty of judging other parents), but for now, I will just say that it seems like parental judging has become so pervasive that it is almost impossible to have a conversation with anyone about my children without feeling like I'm being judged.  And that isn't a nice feeling.

Rethinking things

Yetta arrives on Wednesday for a week long visit.  In preparation I'm consciously rethinking things.  I want her to have a good time, and I want her to feel welcome.  To that end, I've done some things I don't normally do. 

First, I've borrowed a queen-size air mattress (you know, the kind that is like an actual bed) from a friend, which I've set up in my office (which is almost entirely packed up in preparation for showing our house).  Thus she can have her own space.  This means she won't take over my living room and that I won't have to continuously tell Bear, "Don't touch that!"  If she feels that the air mattress is uncomfortable or too hard for her to get off of, she will sleep in our bed.  This is a minor inconvenience to me and Archer, but I really think this will stress me out less than having her things all over the living room.  Plus, it means she'll be more comfortable as she won't be on our couch.  As an added bonus, it means that Archer and I will still have the couch to retreat to on the odd night that Bear is really restless (on these nights, one of us inevitably ends up on the couch with Bear).  So everyone will get a normal amount of sleep, and if Bear has a bad night, we won't have to worry about waking her up.

Second, I made Archer call her yesterday and get her to give a list of things she wants from the grocery store.  We have never done this because she is incredibly particular about food.  Typically Archer takes her to the grocery store on the first day of her visit, and she buys what she wants.  This stresses me out immensely because she brings all kinds of junk food into my house, which means I'm constantly explaining to Wild Man why Yetta eats X type of food that he isn't allowed to eat.  Although she protested, she told Archer what she needed, and he bought it.  I'm hoping this will allow me to maintain some control over what she brings into the house while also making her feel welcome, like we've actually prepared for her visit.

Third, Archer and I have already decided which days the boys will be out of daycare.  I think this is important because, again, it shows we've prepared for her visit.  I am hopeful that telling her "We've planned these activities for these days" will show her that we're looking forward to her visit.  The only caveat is that Wild Man will not be missing kindergarten at all.  That means that we have to stop what we're doing and have him at school every day by 1, which will certainly limit what we can do.  This is, however, non-negotiable.

Fourth, I have reminded myself that I have no control over her reaction to anything.  I can prepare myself, and I can hope for the best.  That said, I am going to do my best not to get upset if she is unhappy with anything we've planned.  I am going to ignore passive-aggressive comments.  I will be accommodating and welcoming, but I will not be a doormat.  I will also not be aggressive.  If an argument begins I will simply remove myself and my children from the room.  I will not be disappointed. 

Keep your fingers crossed for me that all of this works.

Random Thoughts

Life is more than a bit hectic right now, and here are some random thoughts rolling around in my head.

• Two of my best friends are in Korea right now adopting their son.  I've been thinking about my friends and their family a lot this week.  
• Archer and I have decided to stop looking at houses until our house is ready to put on the market.  Despite seeing (we still haven't been able to get an appointment to see the inside) what I think maybe the "perfect" house, we know there is not point in looking.  At best, we'd only be able to put in a conditional offer, so we're pulling back until our house is on the market.  We won't feel comfortable putting a bid in on a place until ours is sold.  If we don't move this year, we don't move this year.
• Archer and I have started the necessary improvements to our house.  I organized our office this weekend, and it looks really good.  We've scrubbed the walls in Bear's room, and Archer has taken down all the pictures and patched the holes.  We were both pleased to discover that Bear's room only needs to be touched up.  
• This weekend I'm going to go through all the boys' old clothes to figure out what we can keep for Bear and what we can get rid of.  This will be incredibly hard for me, as it reaffirms our decision not to have a third child.  Getting rid of Bear's and Wild Man's baby clothes definitely signals the end of babies in our life.
• As for Wild Man and school, if we don't move, we've decided to keep him in kindergarten at the school affiliated with his daycare.  Honestly, this is primarily for convenience (and yes, I feel like a horrible parent for admitting that).  But it is also to prevent him from going through two major school transitions in as many years.  To prepare him for French Immersion, we are planning to hire a tutor to work with him 2 days a week.  I've already emailed some people in the French department to get recommendations for tutors.  We're hoping to find a grad student who is looking for extra money.  
• Bear has settled into his new room at daycare very well.  He is now in a toddler room, and he will be there until he is two and a half.  Since leaving the infant room (b/c our province offers a year of paid maternity leave most babies don't go into daycare until they are 10 months or older, so they stay in an infant room until about 18 months old), his vocabulary has exploded.  He is already talking in short sentences, and he repeats everything.
• Yetta arrives next week for a week long visit.  She has called Archer every day for the last four days asking about what sort of "special" things she can do with Wild Man.  She's upset that he isn't in swimming lessons right now, not to mention the fact that she's annoyed that Canada's growing season means she won't get to take Wild Man to pick strawberries or to pick anything else, something she always does with our nephews who live in Home State.  Does anyone else notice that she seems to have forgotten that she has two grandchildren living in Canada?
• I have a meeting with Dr. English next week to ask all sorts of questions about research.  I've been looking at the faculty profiles online, and let's just say that I'm a bit intimidated.  I've asked myself more than once why he thinks I am a good fit for this school.  Archer keeps telling me to stop questioning myself.  His logic is Dr. English thinks I can do it, so just do it.  It is good advice, and I'm working on silencing the voice of self-doubt.  I have some ideas, and I want some feedback as to whether or not Dr. English thinks they are worth pursuing.
• I have to finish inputting my grades for my Women's Studies class--the last class I will be teaching for that department for the foreseeable future.  I'm equally happy and sad about that.  I'm happy not to have to be a part of a department that I never felt like I was a part of, but I will miss the students.
• That's it for now.  I could write a lot more, but I need to get to work.

Disturbed

The news this morning is disturbing to me, for lots of reasons.  First, I want to say that Archer and I lived in upstate New York on 9/11.  I was working for a non-profit, and Archer was a Ph.D. student.  I knew several people (primarily through the board of directors) who were killed, and Archer had 5 students who lost parents.  Add to that the fact that my father was a fire fighter, and 9/11 hit close to home for us.  In fact, I had panic attacks for months after 9/11. 

Today's news is disturbing because I find it hard to swallow people's reactions.  My aunt, who is a devout born again Christian, thanked God on her Facebook page for yesterday's events.  It seems very odd to me to thank God for the killing of another human being.  Was the killing justified? I find it hard to say no, but I also find it hard to say yes.  Did it accomplish anything?  I can't see that it did.  The 3,000 plus individuals who died in the States on 9/11 are still dead.  There are still wars going on in Iraq and Afghanistan, both of which we can connect directly to the events of 9/11.  The Middle East is still in turmoil, and this man's death* will not end the terrorism that he started.  Someone will simply take his place.  So while justice may have been done in some small way, I'm don't like the fact that a man's death has been made into an international celebration.  It all seems oddly political to me. 

*I'm purposely not using his name as I don't want traffic from this post. 

We may have found . . .

the perfect house.  Seriously.  It is walking distance to one of the two schools we want the boys to go to, as well as to CU.  It is an older home that has lots of updates.  In fact, I don't think we'd need to do anything with it.  The issues: it is for sale by owner (and I have no idea how that works), and it is about $15,000 out of our price range.  It is on a really busy street, and it is set back from the road.  I have no idea how Archer saw the for sale sign.  Because it isn't in the MLS system, I can't tell how long it's been on the market.  Archer has called our mortgage broker to see what the likelihood of us getting approved for slightly more is, and we are making an appointment to go see it.  This is probably a bad idea, but if we could get the owners to come down on the price . . . I'll stop there.  I don't want to like this house any more than I already do.

New or old?

We've been pre-approved.  That's the good news.  The sort of good news is our mortgage broker is practical, and she didn't pre-approve us for the total amount the bank will likely approve us for.  She pre-approved us for what we can afford our monthly mortgage payment to be.  Why is that sort of good news?  Because it is the harsh reality of what we already knew.  We can't afford the nice homes in the older neighborhood walking distance to the really great French immersion school and to CU.  We can, however, afford a brand new home about a mile from the other really great French immersion school and a five minute drive from CU.  We can also afford a moderately nice home in the older neighborhood, probably one that has had some updates, but will still need a fair amount of work in the next 10 years or so.  Now we get our place on the market and hope it sells high.

Frustrated

So Archer and I are approaching this house hunting thing from completely different perspectives.  I'm going on a gut feeling, and he is being much more analytical.  We saw a lovely Cape Cod style home on Saturday that I love.  Is it perfect?  No, but it is a great place to begin.  It has 3 bedrooms and 1 bath (which is small).  It lacks closet space, but it has a brand new kitchen, a new roof, and a family room addition.  It has a small yard, and it is one of the two neighborhoods we'd really like to be in.  As a bonus, the basement is large and could easily be finished to make a larger family room.  Plus the laundry room has already been refinished, including new plumbing, which means we could add a second bathroom in the basement.  I liked it because we don't have to do anything to it but move in.  Does it need work?  Sure, but it doesn't need any thing done to it right away.  Any work that we would do would be cosmetic.  Archer, however, had a whole list of things that he didn't like, including the fact that it is quite likely neither Yetta nor Pita would fit in the bathroom (it is oddly laid out, so given their sizes, this is a distinct possibility).  So this started a whole conversation about what we each want in a home (and yes, we did have this conversation when we started this process, but it seems that wasn't enough to get us on the same page), and again, I'm thinking what feels right for our family (along with all the essential practical things).  He is thinking, "What could we do to improve this place and make money in 20 years?"  I see that as a valid point, but it also means he is automatically ruling out lots of places.  I have no solution for this. 

I've spent the last 40 minutes looking at houses on line, and I've discovered a few things.  If we broaden our search a bit, we can get more for our money.  We'll still be in one of the two districts we want to be in, but we won't be walking distance to the boys' school or to CU.  Given the price of gas, it would be enormously helpful to be walking distance, but we would be biking distance.  So I've got a list of a few more places to look at.  Once we see these though, I'm stopping.  I think the most practical thing is to wait until our place is on the market and then start looking.  In the meantime, I'm still frustrated.

*As an aside, I have no desire to evaluate every single home we look at based on whether or not Yetta and Pita will fit in the bathroom or up/down the stairs.  I'm just saying.

House Hunting

In my last post, I neglected to mention one of the new stresses in our life: we're house hunting.  When we moved to CU Land in 2008, we knew the town home we purchased would be a temporary home.  We had thought then, however, that we'd likely stay until Archer had tenure.  As we learned more about the school system, we learned we'd have to move sooner rather than later.  When I was first offered the full-time position at CU, we talked about moving.  At that time we decided it made more sense to stay where we are now and save up a larger down payment.  This meant, however, that we would enroll Wild Man in the French Immersion in the neighborhood we weren't thrilled with.  This also meant that Wild Man would likely change schools by the time he went into grade 2.  We weren't happy with this decision, but economically, it made the most sense.

A few weeks ago, Archer and I were in one of the two neighborhoods we'd love to live in.  This neighborhood is walking distance to CU, to the boys' daycare, and to the FI school we want the boys to go to.  I looked it up when we got home and found out it was affordable for this neighborhood (I say for this neighborhood because the homes in this neighborhood are, on average, $30,000 more than most of the homes in CU Land).  So after several long conversations, I called the real estate agent who helped us find out town home and made an appointment to see it.  The house turned out to be insulated with a formaldehyde based foam insulation, which cannot be easily removed, so we passed on this house.  But our agent came by and looked at our town home, and based on some key factors, she thinks we could get about $15 to $18,000 more than we paid for it, giving us a much larger down payment than we anticipated we'd have.  She also said the market for our neighborhood is really great right now.  Because ours is a small town home community in a nice part of town, retirees want to be in this neighborhood.  Not only are there no town homes for sale in our community, but there are only 3 for sale in this part of town, all listed at $20,000 over what we paid for ours.  So we've decided to put our place on the market.  Archer is in the process of finishing the floor trim in the kitchen, and we're going to touch up all the rooms we've already painted and paint the main floor.  Next week we'll go pick out carpeting for the top floor, and after we rearrange some furniture and pack up all our family photos (if you know me at all, you know that will be an arduous task as I have lots of family photos and that I will be a little sad not to have these things around me).  Then our place will go on the market.

That part will be the easy part.  The hard part--finding a house in our price range that doesn't need to be completely gutted in one of the two school districts we're interested in.  We've been looking, and we're slowly realizing this isn't going to be easy.

Snappy

So Archer and I are in the midst of the end of the semester wrap-up, a particularly stressful time of the year.  The past few days have been rough.  We've both been grading, and we've had lots of other meetings to deal with.  We're having a hard time coordinating schedules, so at least twice one of us has had to rush out to pick up Wild Man on days we thought the other was going to do it.  Needless to say, this means we're being much snappier than usual with one another.  Archer said to me this morning, "I don't feel like I can do anything right."  To which I replied, "I'm really sorry if I'm making you feel that way, but I feel that way too."  It's frustrating because we go through this at the end of every term, and we haven't uncovered any really methods to prevent this or to deal with the stress more effectively.  Right now I feel like I'm just hanging on until we can get through this week, and then I think we'll be able to have a conversation without snapping at one another.

Um, seriously?

It is April 17th, exactly one week before Easter, and it is snowing outside.  Yes, you read that correctly.  I think this is the winter that will never end.

Survivor's Guilt

A few weeks ago Sally Racket, which is a pseudonym for a former graduate student who recently found full-time, tenure-track employment, published a column at The Chronicle of Higher Ed titled "Survivor's Guilt."  In a nutshell, Racket writes about the guilt many of us feel upon getting t-t jobs.  You see, as she points out, the market sucks, and those of us lucky enough to get a job are acutely aware that our success is the source of stress for one of our equally qualified colleagues.  It really struck a chord with me, especially as I was in the midst of negotiating the finer points of my contract with CU.  My guilt took a slightly different form, however. 

You see, I had the good fortune to come out of program that took some time to prepare its students for the job market.  Thus, many of my grad school colleagues have secured tenure-track jobs in the last 2 years.  In fact, most of them are now in tenure track positions.  I do, however, feel some guilt about my current colleagues, especially those in the Writing Program.  You see, I will be the fourth full-time, t-t faculty member in a department of about 20 part-time instructors, many of whom have been teaching at CU for over 10 years.  I've been teaching in this department for 2 years, and many of the department members have only met me a few times.  There are two primary things that set me apart from most of my colleagues in this department: I have a Ph.D., and I didn't get my Ph.D. at CU.   You see, many of my colleagues have either an MA or their completed their Ph.D.s at CU, making them ineligible for any t-t positions that are advertised at CU in their areas.  When I was offered my position, I was very aware that I could be seen as stepping on some toes.  I am an outsider, coming into a fairly well established program.  I don't want to be perceived as a usurper.  So I went to a faculty meeting earlier this week with a lot of trepidation (and this was not the same faculty meeting I attended on Friday; I'm working on another post about that one). 

I knew that Dr. Writing was going to announce my appointment at the meeting, but I had no idea when.  She and I had talked about my concerns, so I knew more or less what she was going to say.  In order to prevent some potentially hurt feelings, she decided to emphasize the partner placement aspect of the appointment.  She also made the announcement at the very end of the meeting, which meant if anyone had questions they had to direct their questions to her or to me.  I am happy to say that, despite my extreme nervousness, the announcement was received fairly positively.  I did get a few questions about logistics, but mostly my colleagues congratulated me.  Several stopped me to tell me that they see this as a good thing for the program.  Having another full-time t-t faculty member definitely gives the program more validity, which, in turn, increases the likelihood that those who are eligible could receive similar appointments.

I'm really happy that most everyone seemed positive.  I'm still a bit concerned how things will change in the fall once my appointment formally begins, but for now, it looks like the transition will be fairly smooth. 

Faculty meeting

I'm going to my first faculty meeting since signing my contract.  Technically I haven't started the term appointment yet, as it doesn't begin until July 1st.  But even as a "part-time" lecturer, I make an effort to attend faculty meetings.  I'm a bit nervous about this one though.  I'm not sure if Dr. English will be announcing my appointment to the entire faculty today or at the end of the year meeting scheduled for later this month.  I also have a Writing faculty meeting next week, and I'm really nervous about that one.  I know Dr. Writing will be announcing my appointment then, and because of the nature of the department, I'm feeling a lot of survivor's guilt, which I'll write more about later.  For now, I've got to read some stuff before the meeting.

A washer

For those of you interested, I bought this one.  Archer insisted I get a matching pair, even though I was happy to go down a model for the dryer.  They were delivered late yesterday afternoon, and I'm already in love with them.  The only issue is that we didn't buy the outrageously priced pedestals (Archer is actually planning to build a cabinet system around them with a counter on top), so Bear can reach the dials. 

You know you're old when. . .

You celebrate getting a job by buying a new washer and dryer. 

In my hot little hands. . .

I have a contract from CU.  It feels pretty damn good to finally get it in writing.

A third child

A few weeks ago, Wild Man asked me, “Mommy, are Bear and I ever going to have a baby sister?’  Wild Man has been asking this particular question for about a year now.  He is very interested in babies, and he is especially preoccupied with a baby sister.  His most recent interest in babies was prompted by the birth of Baby Minerva, the daughter of our friends. 

Wild Man loves Baby Minerva.  The few times he has seen her he has doted on her.  He displays a gentleness with Baby Minerva that he no longer demonstrates with Bear.  Now, Wild Man loves Bear, and Bear most certainly loves Wild Man.  Their relationship, however, is one of extremes.  Wild Man is either giving Bear his favorite car, or Wild Man is holding Bear’s favorite car over his head while saying, “Oh, is this the car you want, Bear? I found it first!”  Likewise, Bear is either bringing Wild Man books so they can read together, or Bear is smacking Wild Man in a vain attempt to get Wild Man to pay attention to him.  In other words, they are siblings.  One minute they are hugging, and the next they are fighting. 

In contrast, Wild Man was sincerely interested in helping care for Baby Minerva.  He brought her toys, he repeatedly found her pacifier for her, and he even wanted to help give her a bottle.  Now, I’m not naïve enough to think that Wild Man would display this level of interest consistently if Archer and I were to have a third child.  I am, after all, the youngest of three.  Of all people, I know how much a third child can disrupt the lives of older children.  In fact, my own sister still identifies the day our parents brought me home from the hospital as one of the most traumatic days of her life (I take that with a grain of salt, though, given that my sister is more than a bit dramatic. . . ).  Wild Man’s question and interest did get me thinking about a third child again, something that I haven’t given much thought to recently. 

In the wake of Wild Man’s question and his continuing interest in babies, I’ve found myself thinking about a third child.  Do we want a third child?  If I had asked myself this question a year ago, I think the answer, for me at least, would have been a definitive yes.  I would have said that having a third child depended on so many things, but I would have definitely said I wanted another child.  Now as I ponder that question, I’m no longer as sure as I was.

So, do I want a third child?  Well, yes and no.  I do want a third child for most of the reasons I wanted a second child—I enjoy being a mother, and I enjoy parenting.  Given my position at CU, I would now be entitled to a year-long maternity leave, something I wasn’t able to experience with either Bear or Wild Man.  I have also profoundly enjoyed watching Wild Man and Bear’s relationship develop.  But I also don’t think having a third child is the most responsible decision we could make.  Children are expensive, and having third child limits what we’re able to offer Wild Man and Bear.  This may seem like a materialistic way to respond to parenthood, but it is a fact, plain and simple. 

Given the nature of what we do, Archer and I will be traveling a fair amount through our careers.  I feel like we can afford to turn many of the research trips into family trips for the four of us, which means that Wild Man and Bear will experience a fair amount of the world as children, something I didn’t have an opportunity to do.  Our trip to Italy, for example, would have been exponentially more expensive if we had to buy a fifth plane ticket. 

Beyond cost, there are other factors.  I would like to sleep through the night before I’m forty, for example.  We’re also at a point where Wild Man is becoming very independent.  We no longer have to stand watch over everything he does anymore, and I can see that point with Bear in the not-so distant future.  I’m not sure I want to start all over again, even given how joyful I find the entire experience of having an infant.  Archer and I are also able to get out of the house at least once a month to have dinner together at a real restaurant.  Our ability to do that (and the simple fact that we finally have a reliable babysitter

So it seems that I’m coming to terms with the reality that it is very unlikely that we will have a third child, and while I feel like that is the best decision for many reasons, I also find myself a little sad.  I realize now that I always assumed we would have a third child, and I find myself mourning the loss of that assumed child, which is a strange feeling for me to comprehend and to describe.  This feeling is further complicated by the realization that a decision not to have a third child means I will not have a daughter, and surprisingly, that adds to the sadness I’m feeling.  It seems odd, to me, to be mourning something that I have never known. 

More meetings

Friday I met with Dr. Writing and Dr. English to discuss how I would work between two departments.  Tomorrow I meet with the dean to ask some questions about my contract (which I have yet to receive).  These meetings are equal parts exciting and unnerving. 

Kindergarten Dilemmas

Kindergarten has become a hot-button topic in our house, at least for Archer and me.  We talk about kindergarten a lot.  We constantly ask ourselves:

• Is Wild Man performing well in kindergarten?
• Are we doing enough to help him learn all he needs to learn?
• Is he learning enough? 
• And most importantly, where will he go for senior kindergarten?

Right now Wild Man is in junior kindergarten, which is the American equivalent of pre-K.  Ok, so that isn't exactly right.  JK is, for all intents and purposes, kindergarten.  Wild Man is in a mixed JK and SK class, which means that about half of his classmates are in senior kindergarten.  This means that they all learn the same things, but the SK students do activities that build on the skills they learned in JK.  So while Wild Man is practicing writing the number from 1 to 10 his SK peers are learning how to do basic addition and subtraction.  The theory is that the SK students help teach the JK students and, thus, benefit from teaching their peers while the JK students benefit from modeling their behavior after their more experienced classmates.  I think this system has benefited Wild Man very well, and I'm really happy with our decision to send him to JK, which is optional in our province.  Now we have to decide where to send him for SK.

You see, Wild Man's school is out of our area.  It is affiliated with his daycare, so he goes to daycare in the morning and JK in the afternoon.  In fact, he and about 10 other children walk over to the elementary school, escorted by several of the daycare staff members.  We chose this option knowing that he couldn't stay in this school, but we chose it for a few reasons.  First, I'll be 100% honest--it is convenient for us.  If we had elected to enroll him in JK in our home school (which is walking distance from our house), our day would be crazy.  For example, C would have to drop Wild Man off at JK, then drop Bear daycare,  and drop me off at CU.  Then C would have to drive back across town to pick up Wild Man and take him to daycare for the rest of the day.  This didn't make a lot of sense for us, although we seriously considered it.  Second, this elementary school is one of the top 5 elementary schools in our province.  It is an excellent school.  It is also incredibly diverse, both economically and ethnically.  In fact, the school has diversity assemblies every month in which the kids learn about one of their classmate's home cultures (the school is so diverse in large part because it draws heavily on the international graduate student population at CU).  Wild Man knows about Ramadan and Chinese New Year, about saris and hijabs, and about all sorts of things he wouldn't have learned about elsewhere.  He now says things like, "Daddy, that wasn't a very accepting thing to do."  In short, he has learned a lot about the world due to his experiences at this school.  We've thought a lot about keeping him here for SK.  In fact, we've talked a lot about selling our house and moving into this school district so he can continue to go to this school through all the elementary grades. 

But we are also considering sending him to French Immersion school.  Essentially, in a FI school, Wild Man would be immersed in the language.  70% of instruction is in French, while 30% is in English.  Most students are fully bilingual by grade 4, and if we stay in Canada, given the nature of the Canadian job market* and government, I feel that it is really important that both boys be fluent in French.  We don't, however, like the neighborhood that our FI school is in.  The school itself seems to be quite good. In fact, Archer and I attended an open house there a few weeks ago and loved the kindergarten teacher.  But again, the neighborhood is not so great. 

So we're trying to decide what to do. If we want him to go into FI school, he has to start by grade 1, which gives us another year to make a decision.  But then he'll be in a room with students who have already attended SK at an FI school, so he'll be behind the curve a bit.  I don't know if this matters at that age, but I think it might.  I know he'll be discouraged with FI curriculum anyway.  The kindergarten teacher we met with told us to expect that.  She said even kids who love school will come home at some point in the school year upset and frustrated because it is different, because they will struggle with the language at first.  I'm concerned that frustration may cause him to feel discouraged about school, especially if we wait until grade 1 to start a FI program.   But part of me thinks, he is happy where he is.  We really like this school, so why not keep him there for another year? 

I'm really not sure what to do, and we have to make a decision in the next few weeks.

*Based on the news articles I've read and numerous conversations I've had with my own students, individuals who are fluent in French often have a much easier time getting jobs in our province.  For example, people who are fluent in French and who are applying for teaching positions are about twice as likely to get hired as those who don't speak French.  I am concerned that we may be putting the boys at a disadvantage if they don't speak French and we stay in CU Land.

Negotiating

Apparently I'm in a position to negotiate.  Who knew? 

Reflecting

Now that I've been able to reflect on the interview, I'm not sure what I think.  My emotions ran the gamut both while I was at SLAC and while I traveled back to CU Land last Friday (a massive windstorm on the east coast of the U.S. kept delaying my flight, which meant I didn't get home till about 1:30 am).  Here is about how it all went down.

Wednesday evening: arrive in SLAC town, met at airport by head of department.  She took me to dinner and then to my B&B, which was literally across the street from the school.  She was lovely to talk to.  She was disarmingly honest, and she kept, it seems to me, feeding me answers to questions she seemed to know I would be asked on Thursday.  On more than one occasion she said, "Oh, that's great.  Be sure to say that to X tomorrow" or "I totally understand what you mean, but do not say that to Y tomorrow."  It was strange to say the least.  It was after 10 by the time I got to the B&B, and I was exhausted.  Still I stayed up a bit to do some quick research on the 8 or so people I met with on Thursday.  I didn't sleep that well, as I tend to not sleep well in strange places.

Thursday morning: breakfast on my own at the B&B.  One of the department members met me and escorted me to the college where I met with people in half hour intervals from 8:30 to 11:30.  It was exhausting, but in many ways it was fun.  It was nice to be able to talk about my teaching, to explain what I do, and why I think it is successful.  There is a fairly significant online teaching component to this job as they are a really small school (under 800 students attend classes on the main campus) and are trying to grow their online offerings (about 2,200 students take classes online, so it is a large program).  I have some experience in this and currently utilize online resources a lot in my classes.  I had some ideas that impressed them.  I'm becoming increasingly interested in digital humanities, so this is cool to me.  After my third (or so) meeting I was feeling sort of jazzed.  I was excited.  I was thinking, "Maybe this would be a good place for Archer, me, and the boys."  Then I met with a biology professor who is the outside person on the hiring committee.  He was great, very interested and interesting, and he was the first person to directly answer my questions about tenure requirements.  Up until the point, everyone had carefully skirted the issue (including the Dean of the School of the Arts).  He told me that he secured tenure after 8 years at the college with a stellar teaching record (I looked it up; it is, indeed, stellar) and 2 peer reviewed publications.  I experienced something completely unexpected.  My heart sank a little.  I immediately thought, "Two publications?  Seriously?  That's it?  That is what you produced in 8 years? You're a scientist!  How is that possible?" I'm not sure what i thought I would feel when I learned the tenure requirements, but I didn't expect to be disappointed that one can secure tenure with so few publications.  I began to realize that I would have very little time to do my own work.  I then met with some students, taught a class (that seemed to go well) met with the president of the college (a very, very odd meeting, indeed), and gave a talk, which I'm quite certain that most of the people in the audience didn't understand.  One of the history professors who attended, however, asked some very insightful questions, and I began to think, "Ok, maybe there is something more here."  Then the chair drove me back to my B&B where I relaxed for a while.  Then another committee member took me to dinner and a lovely restaurant with live music.  Both she and the chair were wonderful, and they are both people I could see being friends with as well as people I could see mentoring me a bit.  After dinner, I called Archer and then went to bed.

Friday morning: breakfast on my own.  I had a lovely conversation with the owner of the B&B about the town.  I had some time before the chair came to drive me to the airport, so I walked around on my own.  The town was lovely.  Really.  It is about 25,000 people, and it's primary income is tourism.  They've taken great care to restore the 19th-century buildings.  There is a growing arts and music scene.  I spent some time looking in the window of a real estate office and learned that Archer and I could by a recently renovated Arts and Crafts style house in the downtown with a yard for about $160,000, give or take.  It reminded me a lot of parts of Cambridge, MA.  I began thinking, "Are we small town people?"

Saturday morning: Archer and I talked a lot.  If I got an offer from this school and they were able to offer him a t-t position, would we take it?  I don't know.  In some ways, we'd be giving up a lot.  No grad students, no research money, lots of teaching for a lot less money.  In some ways we'd be gaining a lot.  Closer to family and friends, a small town lifestyle, less stress on us because the demands of the job are less (at least in terms of publication).

Here is where it gets tricky for me.  I could see us living in this place for a long time without a problem.  I don't know if I see either one of us being happy professionally for the long term.  I will admit that I've gotten spoiled first at Southwest University and now at CU.  I haven't taught composition in a long time (one of the things I was cautioned not to say), and while I don't mind teaching it (in fact, I do actually like teaching it) I don't know if I'm ready to go back to teaching basic grammar (yes, many of the students are accepted on a provisional basis and score lower than 450 on the verbal portion of the SAT.  On Wednesday night, the chair told me that she had given a lecture that afternoon on how to correct comma splices and that half of her class didn't know what a comma splice was.).  Since getting the news from CU, I've started to give myself the time to write a bit and to brainstorm ideas for new projects, and I've surprised myself how many ideas I have.  I can't complete most of the projects at this SLAC.  Several of the projects require travel to archives all over the country.  I wouldn't be able to fund that myself, and SLAC doesn't have the money to fund such projects.

So where does that leave us?  It seems very likely we'll stay in CU Land, and for the first time since we moved here, the thought of making this place our home makes me really happy.