Letting Go

In January, I declared this the year of "Letting Go."  And then I promptly stopped writing about that.  I've done some work on letting go of some things, both emotional and material.  This theme is hard, though, as it requires I try to communicate with people that I've been less than successful communicating with in the past.  It seems, however, that I need to apply my theme to my professional life as well.

I met with Dr. Feminist Philosopher (the new chair of my home department) today to ask some questions about a grant she wants me to apply for.  She said, "M, we need to get your a mentor who can shepherd you through the tenure process.  We did this for Dr. X and Dr. Y, and it worked really well for them.  Who do you think it should be?  I think it needs to be someone from Underwater Basketweaving Department."  Now, Dr. Feminist Philosopher was on leave last spring when all the heinous things occurred with Underwater Basketweaving Department, so she isn't fully aware of why I'd be hesitant to work with someone from said department.  I said, "Well, yes, I see how that makes sense, but honestly, it's still a bit awkward for me given everything that happened last year."  She replied, "I don't know the whole story, and I don't need to know the whole story.  I know enough to know that they were unkind to you, both professionally and personally.  But you now have a tenure track appointment in our department, and I want you to succeed.  No one here does quite what you do.  Dr. X could help, but she's only just going up for tenure herself.  I think you need someone in your historical period."  I said, "Yes, and Dr. Americanist seems like a good fit as a mentor.  In fact, before all of this happened, we were building toward that sort of relationship.  But I honestly have not spoken to him in more than passing since last spring."  She looked at me for a moment, almost as if she were assessing me, and then said, "I will speak to him for you.  I will also speak with Dr. Modernist.  I know she isn't directly in your field, but she is kind.  She's a great editor, and I think you would like her."

I got the implicit message.  Yes, you were screwed over a bit, but you need to do well here.  Doing well here clearly means getting past all that.  You need to do that if you're going to succeed.  I appreciate that she is giving me the space to do this, and that she's the one trying to repair these relationships for me.  But honestly, letting go of this is hard.  I'm still trying to understand what happened.  It's hard not to feel as though I did something wrong, even though I know I didn't--other than trust these people.  It seems I have more work to do on this.