I've determined that this week will be about getting back into the groove of things. I've been out of the groove of working, reading, and writing for about 3 weeks now, give or take. I made lots of progress at the beginning of the month, and then we visited family for a week and a half. I spent last week trying to get organized to teach, filing articles, and rearranging our office/nursery in anticipation of the baby's impending arrival. I now need to get some serious work done. I'm trying to figure out how to rework the introduction to my proposal, and that isn't going so well. My biggest problem with revising is introductions; I know this about myself, but I don't necessarily know how to correct it. Despite what I tell my own students about not getting too invested in their work in its early stages, I do that very thing. I become attached to things, and revising becomes more about completely starting over than making any sort of changes to the original text. I'm hoping I can make enough sense of my committee's comments to actually revise rather than rewrite, but I have serious misgivings about that.
I am also establishing a new groove for myself. I've been thinking about my most recent entries, and I feel like I wrote about myself, motherhood, and my work as someone who was experiencing an "identity crisis." While I don't think I am experiencing an identity crisis, I am curious and even a bit nervous about how motherhood will change me. I believe most of the changes will be for the good. But I don't want to fall into the trap of viewing myself as someone who loses herself because she's become a mother--I'm familiar with that mentality, having witnessed several friends and family members go through it. I've never understood how one loses one's self, nor do I comprehend the need to "find one's self." How precisely does one lose one's self? I mean, I would have to know absolutely nothing about myself to lose myself. And if I lost myself, where would I begin looking for myself? I already have a firm grasp on who I am, and I believe that motherhood will help me become a better version of my current self.
3 comments:
It sounds like you've got a healthy attitude. I don't think that motherhood has to carry with it an identity crisis, and actually it seems like you might be more concerned about how motherhood will change your lifestyle, maybe your attitude, maybe your priorities, but not YOU. After all, people go through major and minor life changes all the time, and they change all the time. It doesn't mean you lose yourself or that you then have to go on the mysterious quest of finding yourself. Don't get me wrong--change is often hard. But even when it's hard, it can be very good.
I haven't ever thought of motherhood as anything lost--identity, independence, whatever--but rather a lot gained. (Well, I've pretty much lost going to the movies, but how important is that, really? I do appreciate Netflix.)
I just read your last post after I commented, and I'll add that it seems like you're uncomfortable about being "defined" as a mother. But that is not necessarily a limiting or exclusive definition. You are also defined as a teacher. And a student. And a scholar. And a wife. But those identities do not cease because a new one is added. Motherhood is different from some of those because it is pretty all-consuming. You can't stop being a mother, even for an hour (this is my problem with the term "full-time mom," as if some women are only part-time moms). Just like you can't stop being pregnant right now. But even as you are always a mother, you can be a lot of other things, too. It is probably the biggest life change you will ever undergo, but it doesn't mean that is the only thing that can define who you are.
I think you're right--I do have a problem with definitions. But it's not just being defined as a mother that bothers me; I dislike being defined as anything, by anyone other than myself. I realize it is impossible to go through life without defining one's self, but I prefer to come up with those definitions rather than be labeled.
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