Here's my second shocking discovery.
Breastfeeding can make you feel like a failure, even if you're successful at it.
To be honest, this one wasn't as shocking as some of the other things I experienced b/c I've done some reading on the politics of breastfeeding (I recommend any articles by Joan Wolf on this subject). I have seen friends struggle to breastfeed, so I knew it wouldn't be easy--at least, from an intellectual perspective. That said, I wasn't prepared for how difficult it was (and still is). Breastfeeding is an overwhelming thing. For the first three weeks, I feel like I've done nothing but breastfeed, and essentially that is all I have done. Even on the days I've managed to get out of the house to go to the grocery store or go to lunch with C, I've had to nurse in the car or in the restaurant. I've been to school twice, both times with S, and both times I spent an hour of what should have only been an hour trip nursing him in my office.
And breastfeeding has been relatively easy for me. S had some initial latch problems which were quickly remedied by a visit to the lactation consultant. But when he screams and can't be soothed by anything, including my breast, I feel like a failure. I weigh him constantly on my bathroom scale (not so reliable, I know), and I agonize over every ounce. I ask myself: did I nurse enough today? did I nurse too much? Every time he coughs or sneezes, I ask myself: did I make him sick? did my milk make him sick? Intellectually I know that yes, I fed him enough, and no, my milk has not made him sick. Emotionally, breastfeeding has rendered me a basket case more than a few times.
Ultimately, I think my expectations were too high rather than other mothers hadn't told the whole truth. Which leads me to #3: no one tells you to lower your expectations.
3 comments:
In my experience, lots of people told me not to expect to be my "old self" right away, but it's hard to really know what that means until you've experienced it. It's impossible to conceive of the life change until it is upon you. I've also been told (today!) that nothing can prepare me to be a mother of two--and as much as I try to take that advice to heart I am sure I will be shocked when I am living the experience. You're not alone (as in, lots of people have felt this way and as in, lots of people are here to help in any way we can).
As for breastfeeding, it is at once quite rewarding and downright traumatic to consider yourself responsible for every thing that happens to this child, including producing the food that nourishes him. I think that breastfeeding in some ways exacerbates the guilt a mother feels when things don't go well--but then if you don't breastfeed, you feel guilty about that. One of the hardest lessons, and one that must be learned over and over is that there are things beyonf our control and that even when we follow all the rules things may not be optimal. And as a mother, it always feels like it's my fault in some way. I don't think we can escape that, however we feed our babies, but talking about it helps us all to remember that we can't control everything and we are good mothers even if our babies (and older children) are crying or sick or not sleeping through the night.
Yes, breastfeeding is really really hard. I had tremendous problems in the first month, but everything was well after that... (my son just wouldn't latch on and I pumped for a month until he learned to latch properly).
Hmmm, I don't think I really had problems with high expectations, I felt pretty confident. I guess this varies from mother to mother.
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