The following was written by a cranky, tired, dissertating, pregnant woman.
I am so tired of hearing the following two questions/comments, and I'm only half way through my pregnancy. As I recall, I was annoyed by these same questions/comments when I was carrying Wild Man.
1. How are you feeling?
2. You're how far along? You look great!
The first question annoys me just because it seems like the only thing people can think to ask me. This time around I'm inclined to say something along the lines of "Well, I've got to have a complete draft of my dissertation finished in 7 weeks. I'm a bit stressed out, but thanks for asking." I know, however, that isn't what most people are asking about.
The second question/comment annoys me because it always strikes me as a back-handed sort of compliment. I always want to say "Thanks, but did you expect me to look awful?"
And, as I know I'm likely to get comments on the people's good intentions when they make these sorts of comments, I know people don't intend for me to respond as I do to these comments. Most people make these comments out of interest and concern, which I way I never respond how I want to. I just wish I didn't find the comments so annoying.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Random Updates
Life is a bit crazy in my house as of late. Here are some things that are going on and random thoughts that I can't seem to get out of my head.
- I will be out of town this weekend, leaving C and Wild Man on their own for 2-plus days. Well, not exactly on their own; Yetta and Pita are flying in "to help out" as Yetta puts it. Ordinarily I would be worried about this for various reasons I've discussed here before, but right now I'm not. I won't be here, so I won't be in control. And I'm mostly ok with that.
- I'm tired of winter. I mean really and truly tired of winter.
- We bought Wild Man new, used furniture this weekend. I found it on the Canadian equivalent of Craig's List, and it is solid wood furniture. We do need to refinish it, but C doesn't think that is too much of an undertaking as it only has a clear finish on it. It was a steal too, considering it is birch and includes 3 pieces. Wild Man can't wait to sleep in it, but we have to get a mattress first.
- I'm really worried that I won't be able to finish everything I still need to do in order to defend my dissertation before I can no longer travel. I know I could easily finish well before the deadline to file if I didn't have travel restrictions. As it is, I've convinced my midwife to let me travel as late as 36 weeks into my pregnancy, something C is not at all comfortable with.
- C is going out of town in early-April, and rather than stress out about how I'm going to manage Wild Man alone for 4 days at the beginning of my third trimester, I asked my sister to drive up and spend the weekend with me. Now that she is so close, I figured, what the hell? I can, of course, manage on my own, but frankly, C always gets help, so why shouldn't I? She wants to bring her kids with her, so she's trying to work out an agreement with her ex-husband (he has to give her written permission to take them out of the country). Barring any unforeseen events, they are coming. Wild Man will be thrilled to see his cousins, and I will be happy to have the company.
- Yetta is already asking about our plans for Christmas 2010. Note: this is not a typo. We've already told her that we have no plans to travel this holiday season as I will be on the job market. We're hoping I will, in fact, be at MLA immediately following Christmas. As Z will still be nursing a fair amount by then (I'm hoping at least) and as several of our closest friends will be there, we're planning a family trip out of it. She knows this, so she is already planning for Christmas 2010 when she "can have her entire family together for the first time in who knows how long." Yes, that is a direct quotation.
- My dad still has not gotten a passport despite the fact that I've asked him specifically to do so at least 5 times. He just doesn't seem to get that I live in a different country. I'm under no illusions that my dad is just going to randomly decide to visit, not even to see Z after she's born. But, as I've said to him, without a passport he can't even come to CU Land in the event of a medical emergency. His refusal to travel really hurts my feelings--a lot.
- My mom recently purchased a ticket to fly directly in to CU Land four days before Z's due date. She has also said that if I go over my due date she will extend the time she is planning to stay so she can help out with Wild Man. My mom is in a much better place than she was when Wild Man was born, so I'm excited. In fact, she even recently apologized for how little help she was at that time. She is also practicing using her GPS system so that she can take Wild Man to school if need by. That she is doing this means so much to me. My mom has a huge phobia of driving in places she doesn't know. We've had big fights about this in the past b/c her fear of driving has often meant that we have to ask Yetta to come help when one of us is out of town rather than her. She is working to overcome this phobia in order to help us out, and that tells me how much she cares about us.
- My sister is planning to get in her car and drive to CU Land the minute we tell her I'm in labor. Since she's the closest relative, she happily offered to do this for us. She came for five days after Wild Man was born and was so helpful. I really needed someone to take over so I could focus on Wild Man. Her presence was especially helpful given that C ended up flying to Home State 3 days after Wild Man was born to attend his dad's funeral. He wouldn't have done that if Sis hadn't been with me, and I know he would have regretted missing his dad's funeral. Sis has asked me what I want her to do, and I've told her to do just what she did after Wild Man's birth: run the show and let us focus on the baby. My Sis and I often disagree about a lot of things, so I know she feels special that I valued her help and want it again.
- I need to read 100+ pages in order to teach Thursday, but I'm really wondering if I can just wing it, since I've read the book before. Does that make me a bad teacher?
- C and I need more time alone together.
- I need more time to myself, and I seriously need to find some ladies to go out on the town with.
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Wild Man and Baby Z
In the past few days, Wild Man has become increasingly interested in Z and my belly. A few nights ago, he requested to see "Mommy's big belly." He then said "I kiss belly. I kiss Baby Z." For some reason he had to "clean Mommy's big belly" before he could give it a big hug.
*Keeping with my agreement with C, these photos were only up for a few days.
*Keeping with my agreement with C, these photos were only up for a few days.
Staking her claim
Last week, C and I made our first big purchase for Z. We bought a Moses basket and a rocker for it. We're planning to use it as a bassinet when Z is first born as she will be sleeping in our room. We chose this over a pack and play (although we will be using the one we purchased for Wild Man in the living room) or a co-sleeper because it is smaller. Our room isn't very large, and the Moses basket will take up minimal room while giving Z a space of her own to sleep.
Since we purchased it, it has been sitting in a corner of my office, with its freshly washed bedding just lying inside of it. This morning one of our cats decided it makes the perfect spot for a rest. It seems that she has claimed it for herself, and we must now begin the arduous task of teaching her to stay out of it.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Revising my approach
After Jennie's thoughtful comments to yesterday's post about my anger toward my mother-in-law as well as a conversation with C last night, I've decided to revise my approach to my relationship with Yetta. As Jennie said, I want my husband and my son to have a healthy relationship with Yetta, one that has nothing to do with me and my often difficult relationship with her. I don't want my feelings to affect their view of her, and I definitely do not want to become between them. The bottom line is she does love them very much, and she will love Z very much as well. I even believe that she cares a lot for me, and in spite of all my anger, I care a great deal for her. So here is my new approach:
- I will stop avoiding conversations with her; I will talk to her when she calls instead of immediately passing the phone off to C.
- I will be open-minded and understanding about her feelings regarding our inability to visit more often and how far away we live.
- I will not take any comments she makes about my family, specifically my mother, to heart; her view of my family does not influence my or my son's relationship with them.
- I will not allow her to pit C and I against each other.
- I will earnestly try not to put C in a position to choose between our family and his natal family.
- I will try to accommodate all of her reasonable requests.
- I will remember that I will likely be a mother-in-law myself one day, and I will use my relationship with Yetta as a model for how not to treat my adult children and their partners.
- I will no longer let her attitude or her comments ruin visits to Home State. When we visit and she says inappropriate things, I will simply not respond or I will leave the room.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Holy Crap!
I did it. I finished a complete draft of my second chapter. And, quite frankly, I think it is pretty damn good. I do know I will need to do some revisions, especially in the introduction, but for now, I can give it a quick proofread (well, as quick as I can manage for 70+ pages) and send it to my adviser. With any luck, I can manage to revise my first chapter in a week and get myself back on schedule. I may be able to defend before I can no longer travel!
Getting over anger
Apparently this is the morning for using my blog to vent.
C made a fairly reasonable request of me last night, but one that I'm struggling to figure out how to address. He asked that I figure out some way to get over my recent and (at times) almost all-consuming anger at his mother. He recognized that I am, mostly, fully justified in my anger, but he said it makes it difficult on him. I know this, and I have repeatedly apologized to him for my current state of mind regarding his mother. But I also freely admit I have made no attempt to get past my anger, and if anything, my anger has grown.
Why am I so angry at Yetta? It's long and complex. The reasons include the typical ones most daughters-in-law site for being angry with their mothers-in-law. She is overbearing, intrusive, self-centered, and manipulative. She often says things without thinking that are hurtful, spiteful, and downright mean. She almost never apologizes, and if she does, it is typically in a back handed way that lets me know that she is insincere. I've dealt with this for years, and while these things are a source of irritation, I can handle them. What I really resent is the fact that she has recently lied directly to me and has begun saying negative things about me to C. For his part, C does tell her that he doesn't want to hear any of these negative things and that her comments are completely inappropriate. She, however, continues with the comments after a short respite. Frankly, I can also deal with this; I mean, really, whatever, she can think whatever she wants to think about me, or at least usually. She has, however, begun espousing an opinion that I find completely intolerable as it insults me, my parents, my upbringing, and whatever semblance of a relationship I have with her.
She has said, repeatedly, in the past year, that my family and I do not seem to value family as much as she does (to be fair, she says the exact same thing about my sister-in-law, C's brother's wife). She is so sure of this, in fact, that she has rearranged her finances to ensure that neither J, my SIL, or I will ever have to take care of her in her old age. I can tolerate this sort of thing when she says it to C, although it does piss me off. But I reason as long as she doesn't say it to me, I'm not going to worry about it as I don't really have to respond. During our visit at Christmas, though, she made this very statement to me. She then added that she resented that I put my family before her and that I am not appropriately thankful for all she does. Oh, and then she said, my parents never include her in anything and that she knows I say awful things to my mother about her all the time. She then claimed to have never said anything negative about me to anyone. These statements were made in the course of what I thought was going to be a productive conversation between just the two of us, a conversation that was initiated by something she said that made C so angry he left the room and refused to come back for the remainder of the evening (as an aside, I tried to retreat with him, but he was so angry he wanted to be alone for fear he would say something mean to me. His mom's house is small; I had no choice but to hang out in the kitchen alone with her until C calmed down.).
Truth be told, the conversation started off well. She talked, I listened, primarily b/c she was trying to understand C's anger at her very ignorant comment and I wasn't about to try to explain her son to her. Then she started making these comments about me and my family. And frankly, I lost it. I did manage to not sound angry, but I responded to every single comment--even telling her that, in fact, I do know almost every negative thing she has ever said about me b/c C tells me about many of the comments. She didn't even respond to most of the things I said, which included the fact that my parents no longer invite her over to their home b/c they don't like entertaining and b/c she has refused their invitations so many times they no longer see the point in ever offering. After I made my points, the conversation went elsewhere, and I eventually excused myself and went to bed, believing that perhaps we had actually started to understand each other. It seems I was wrong.
Recently her comments about me and my "hatred" of family have become increasingly more frequent, so frequent in fact that she has two visits planned in the next few months but has made it very clear that she will be coming when I'm out of town so as "not to interfere with my work schedule." C has said he thinks this is thoughtful, but I told him that is her passive agressive way of reminding me that she's still pissed at me for saying that extended family isn't a priority right now b/c I've got to finish my dissertation. And so, my anger increases, and I inadvertently take it out on C. I've got to find a way to deal with it, a way that doesn't include talking to my mother-in-law because, frankly, I've tried it before and it doesn't work. I've tried changing my behavior, and that also doesn't work. I had hoped that writing about it here would help, but alas, I'm just pissed all over again. I really, really want to like this woman b/c she is my husband's mother. She loves Wild Man dearly, and I know she will feel the same about Z. I want to have a healthy relationship with her b/c I don't want to dread every single visit we make to her house. But I honestly have no idea how to accomplish that.
C made a fairly reasonable request of me last night, but one that I'm struggling to figure out how to address. He asked that I figure out some way to get over my recent and (at times) almost all-consuming anger at his mother. He recognized that I am, mostly, fully justified in my anger, but he said it makes it difficult on him. I know this, and I have repeatedly apologized to him for my current state of mind regarding his mother. But I also freely admit I have made no attempt to get past my anger, and if anything, my anger has grown.
Why am I so angry at Yetta? It's long and complex. The reasons include the typical ones most daughters-in-law site for being angry with their mothers-in-law. She is overbearing, intrusive, self-centered, and manipulative. She often says things without thinking that are hurtful, spiteful, and downright mean. She almost never apologizes, and if she does, it is typically in a back handed way that lets me know that she is insincere. I've dealt with this for years, and while these things are a source of irritation, I can handle them. What I really resent is the fact that she has recently lied directly to me and has begun saying negative things about me to C. For his part, C does tell her that he doesn't want to hear any of these negative things and that her comments are completely inappropriate. She, however, continues with the comments after a short respite. Frankly, I can also deal with this; I mean, really, whatever, she can think whatever she wants to think about me, or at least usually. She has, however, begun espousing an opinion that I find completely intolerable as it insults me, my parents, my upbringing, and whatever semblance of a relationship I have with her.
She has said, repeatedly, in the past year, that my family and I do not seem to value family as much as she does (to be fair, she says the exact same thing about my sister-in-law, C's brother's wife). She is so sure of this, in fact, that she has rearranged her finances to ensure that neither J, my SIL, or I will ever have to take care of her in her old age. I can tolerate this sort of thing when she says it to C, although it does piss me off. But I reason as long as she doesn't say it to me, I'm not going to worry about it as I don't really have to respond. During our visit at Christmas, though, she made this very statement to me. She then added that she resented that I put my family before her and that I am not appropriately thankful for all she does. Oh, and then she said, my parents never include her in anything and that she knows I say awful things to my mother about her all the time. She then claimed to have never said anything negative about me to anyone. These statements were made in the course of what I thought was going to be a productive conversation between just the two of us, a conversation that was initiated by something she said that made C so angry he left the room and refused to come back for the remainder of the evening (as an aside, I tried to retreat with him, but he was so angry he wanted to be alone for fear he would say something mean to me. His mom's house is small; I had no choice but to hang out in the kitchen alone with her until C calmed down.).
Truth be told, the conversation started off well. She talked, I listened, primarily b/c she was trying to understand C's anger at her very ignorant comment and I wasn't about to try to explain her son to her. Then she started making these comments about me and my family. And frankly, I lost it. I did manage to not sound angry, but I responded to every single comment--even telling her that, in fact, I do know almost every negative thing she has ever said about me b/c C tells me about many of the comments. She didn't even respond to most of the things I said, which included the fact that my parents no longer invite her over to their home b/c they don't like entertaining and b/c she has refused their invitations so many times they no longer see the point in ever offering. After I made my points, the conversation went elsewhere, and I eventually excused myself and went to bed, believing that perhaps we had actually started to understand each other. It seems I was wrong.
Recently her comments about me and my "hatred" of family have become increasingly more frequent, so frequent in fact that she has two visits planned in the next few months but has made it very clear that she will be coming when I'm out of town so as "not to interfere with my work schedule." C has said he thinks this is thoughtful, but I told him that is her passive agressive way of reminding me that she's still pissed at me for saying that extended family isn't a priority right now b/c I've got to finish my dissertation. And so, my anger increases, and I inadvertently take it out on C. I've got to find a way to deal with it, a way that doesn't include talking to my mother-in-law because, frankly, I've tried it before and it doesn't work. I've tried changing my behavior, and that also doesn't work. I had hoped that writing about it here would help, but alas, I'm just pissed all over again. I really, really want to like this woman b/c she is my husband's mother. She loves Wild Man dearly, and I know she will feel the same about Z. I want to have a healthy relationship with her b/c I don't want to dread every single visit we make to her house. But I honestly have no idea how to accomplish that.
The oddities of Facebook
So after years of resisting, I joined Facebook this fall. I confess I did it mainly because I had lost the email address of one of my dearest, lifelong friends (this person was my maid of honor and we've been friends since we were 8), and I knew she was on FB. I expected to use FB to find her and that would be that. Well lo and behold, a lot of my friends from Southwest College Town are also on FB, and using FB has become a great way to keep in touch with them. I've also found it extremely useful to communicate with several of these friends who are also completing their dissertations from afar. We've become one another's support group so to speak.
I've also some how managed to reconnect with a bunch of people from high school. I have to admit that I find this odd. I did not enjoy high school. My reasons for not enjoying high school are complex and difficult to explain; suffice to say, they go beyond the typical reasons. I was fairly popular and had lots of friends; I was never ostracized or mistreated by those who were more popular, nor did I mistreat others in return. In a nutshell, I lost a lot of friends in my senior year, people who had claimed to be among my best friends, because I did not attend church, did not consider myself a Christian, and had a close relationship with a teacher who had us read things that challenged the beliefs of many of my peers (apparently most high schoolers don't read Joseph Campbell's The Power of Myth or talk about the "Christian myth"). While I'm happy to reconnect with some people from high school, I find it utterly amazing that people whom I rarely spoke with in high school or the very individuals who cut me out of their lives because of the above described situation have now asked to be my FB friend. I have no idea how to respond to this. I am, I think, a very, very loyal friend, but I don't respond to betrayal of any kind well. I also really dislike hypocrisy and can hold a grudge. I truly don't understand why some of these individuals want to know what is going on in my life some 16 years after high school ended, especially when they wanted to have little or nothing to do with me while we were in high school. I just don't get it. I mostly ignore these requests, but then, for some crazy reason, I feel guilty. I honestly think these people are just trying to amass friends so they can feel popular again. So while I like FB for lots of reasons, in some ways, it reminds me of high school all over again. And I definitely don't like that.
I've also some how managed to reconnect with a bunch of people from high school. I have to admit that I find this odd. I did not enjoy high school. My reasons for not enjoying high school are complex and difficult to explain; suffice to say, they go beyond the typical reasons. I was fairly popular and had lots of friends; I was never ostracized or mistreated by those who were more popular, nor did I mistreat others in return. In a nutshell, I lost a lot of friends in my senior year, people who had claimed to be among my best friends, because I did not attend church, did not consider myself a Christian, and had a close relationship with a teacher who had us read things that challenged the beliefs of many of my peers (apparently most high schoolers don't read Joseph Campbell's The Power of Myth or talk about the "Christian myth"). While I'm happy to reconnect with some people from high school, I find it utterly amazing that people whom I rarely spoke with in high school or the very individuals who cut me out of their lives because of the above described situation have now asked to be my FB friend. I have no idea how to respond to this. I am, I think, a very, very loyal friend, but I don't respond to betrayal of any kind well. I also really dislike hypocrisy and can hold a grudge. I truly don't understand why some of these individuals want to know what is going on in my life some 16 years after high school ended, especially when they wanted to have little or nothing to do with me while we were in high school. I just don't get it. I mostly ignore these requests, but then, for some crazy reason, I feel guilty. I honestly think these people are just trying to amass friends so they can feel popular again. So while I like FB for lots of reasons, in some ways, it reminds me of high school all over again. And I definitely don't like that.
Saturday, February 14, 2009
Giving birth in Canada
After our appointment with my midwife this week, C and I have finally begun to grasp just how different our birth experience with Z will be from the one we had with Wild Man. As I have said many times, I experienced a number of medical interventions with Wild man, but given the circumstances of the birth, I really think all the interventions were necessary. Further, I had as close to the birth experience as I could have hoped for given the distress that Wild Man was in throughout labor. I have never felt unsatisfied or unhappy with our experience in anyway. In fact, I have always felt very glad I had such a great nurse who advocated so strongly for me and helped ensure I was able to have an unmedicated, vaginal birth.
Despite that, we've recently been considering a home birth for a lot of reasons. For me, I was primarily concerned about the amount of rest I would get in the hospital. With Wild Man, I managed to get some, but I still left the hospital exhausted, as did C, who was able to stay with me because we were given a birthing suite (we got this because the maternity floor was packed, and it was the only room available; I'm assuming the couch in the room made it a suite!). From what my friends have told me, private rooms in Canada are rare and come at a very high premium (about $250 or more a night). C has, however, declared that I get a room at any expense (we're paying nothing out of pocket for my prenatal care or for Z's birth; that's the benefit of socialized insurance), assuming there are any available after I give birth. If there are none available, I will be sharing a room with 3 other women. I don't mind sharing, but it doesn't seem conducive to rest at all. Giving birth at home seems much more restful to me.
On Wednesday, we asked my midwife about home birth, and she answered a few basic questions. When I expressed the above to her, she said, "Well, there is another option. Since you're under a midwife's care, you can actually leave the hospital as soon as 3 hours after you give birth (asuming, of course, it is a normal, uneventful birth and she has no concerns for me or the baby)." C and I must have looked completely flabbergasted because she went on to explain that the reason for this is the after care Z and I will receive with her. She will visit us at our home 24 hours after Z is born, and at least 2 more times in the first week. If she needs to come more she will. I will then see her in her office at 2, 4, & 6 weeks after giving birth; she will also give Z check-ups. Women using OBs don't have this option because they, typically, don't see their doctors until 6 weeks post-partum. After she then explained this, I was still puzzled, so I asked "Do you mean that the baby isn't sent to the nursery for tests?" It was her turn to look flabbergasted. She said, "No, as long as there are no complications, you will have the baby with you at all times." I know I still looked puzzled because she then said, "We don't have nurseries in our province; we only have NICUS. As long as babies are healthy, they are with their moms the entire time." She then asked about our experience in the States. When we explained that Wild Man had been in the nursery for at least 3 hours following the birth (we were allowed to have him with us for almost an hour), she looked aghast. She actually checked my chart to remind herself when I had given birth. She asked "You mean this practice was still going on in 2006?" C laughed and said that our experience was fairly typical, at least for our state. I told her what she described is very similar to a what I've read about birthing center births, not about hospital births. Needless to say, C and I left her office feel very reassured about the sort of hospital birth we will likely have, and unless we can get a private room, we will likely leave the hospital as soon as we can--provided that I don't give birth in the middle of the night. Then I think we'd stay just so we wouldn't wake up Wild Man with our arrival home.
We did discuss the option of home birth for a while on Thursday, but we have one major obstacle: what do we do with Wild Man? My mom will be here about 4 days before Z's due date, but I fully realize Z could come much earlier. My sister, who lives about 6 hours away, has offered to get on the road as soon as I go into labor so she can be with Wild Man, but given how fast my first labor went (just under 5 hours), there is no guarantee she'll be here in time. I really don't want Wild Man to be around when I've giving birth, and I especially don't want him in the house. With a hopsital birth, we will have to make arrangements with our friends to watch him, but neither of us will have to worry about his presence in the house. Given everything we'd just learned about a hospital birth in Canada, we think it seems like the right option for us, so I am fairly certain that is what we will do. I am feeling very excited about this birth and the fact that we will have Z with us at all times.
Despite that, we've recently been considering a home birth for a lot of reasons. For me, I was primarily concerned about the amount of rest I would get in the hospital. With Wild Man, I managed to get some, but I still left the hospital exhausted, as did C, who was able to stay with me because we were given a birthing suite (we got this because the maternity floor was packed, and it was the only room available; I'm assuming the couch in the room made it a suite!). From what my friends have told me, private rooms in Canada are rare and come at a very high premium (about $250 or more a night). C has, however, declared that I get a room at any expense (we're paying nothing out of pocket for my prenatal care or for Z's birth; that's the benefit of socialized insurance), assuming there are any available after I give birth. If there are none available, I will be sharing a room with 3 other women. I don't mind sharing, but it doesn't seem conducive to rest at all. Giving birth at home seems much more restful to me.
On Wednesday, we asked my midwife about home birth, and she answered a few basic questions. When I expressed the above to her, she said, "Well, there is another option. Since you're under a midwife's care, you can actually leave the hospital as soon as 3 hours after you give birth (asuming, of course, it is a normal, uneventful birth and she has no concerns for me or the baby)." C and I must have looked completely flabbergasted because she went on to explain that the reason for this is the after care Z and I will receive with her. She will visit us at our home 24 hours after Z is born, and at least 2 more times in the first week. If she needs to come more she will. I will then see her in her office at 2, 4, & 6 weeks after giving birth; she will also give Z check-ups. Women using OBs don't have this option because they, typically, don't see their doctors until 6 weeks post-partum. After she then explained this, I was still puzzled, so I asked "Do you mean that the baby isn't sent to the nursery for tests?" It was her turn to look flabbergasted. She said, "No, as long as there are no complications, you will have the baby with you at all times." I know I still looked puzzled because she then said, "We don't have nurseries in our province; we only have NICUS. As long as babies are healthy, they are with their moms the entire time." She then asked about our experience in the States. When we explained that Wild Man had been in the nursery for at least 3 hours following the birth (we were allowed to have him with us for almost an hour), she looked aghast. She actually checked my chart to remind herself when I had given birth. She asked "You mean this practice was still going on in 2006?" C laughed and said that our experience was fairly typical, at least for our state. I told her what she described is very similar to a what I've read about birthing center births, not about hospital births. Needless to say, C and I left her office feel very reassured about the sort of hospital birth we will likely have, and unless we can get a private room, we will likely leave the hospital as soon as we can--provided that I don't give birth in the middle of the night. Then I think we'd stay just so we wouldn't wake up Wild Man with our arrival home.
We did discuss the option of home birth for a while on Thursday, but we have one major obstacle: what do we do with Wild Man? My mom will be here about 4 days before Z's due date, but I fully realize Z could come much earlier. My sister, who lives about 6 hours away, has offered to get on the road as soon as I go into labor so she can be with Wild Man, but given how fast my first labor went (just under 5 hours), there is no guarantee she'll be here in time. I really don't want Wild Man to be around when I've giving birth, and I especially don't want him in the house. With a hopsital birth, we will have to make arrangements with our friends to watch him, but neither of us will have to worry about his presence in the house. Given everything we'd just learned about a hospital birth in Canada, we think it seems like the right option for us, so I am fairly certain that is what we will do. I am feeling very excited about this birth and the fact that we will have Z with us at all times.
Friday, February 13, 2009
Weekly Progress Update
For some odd reason, putting these updates makes me feel accountable, so I'll keep doing it. Here's the run down for this week.
Monday: I get minimal done on most Mondays as Wild Man is home with me. I did get some major revisions completed and sent the first half of the chapter off to my adviser.
Tuesday: 6 pages written
Wednesday: 3 pages written, coupled with a visit to the midwife and various other errands that had to be done
Thursday: no progress on the dissertation due to teaching responsibilities
Friday: 5 pages; notes taken on Foucault's Discipline and Punish; as a plus, I also wrote the section of the chapter that includes references to this.
I'm feeling very jazzed about this next section; in fact, I'd love to churn out another 3 or 4 pages tonight, leaving me only the conclusion of the chapter to write. I'm seriously considering heading out this evening after dinner and leaving C and Wild Man to handle the bedtime routine on their own, so I can accomplish this goal.
Next week is Spring Break, so I have no teaching responsibilities, aside from grading (YUCK!), so I will finish this chapter and complete revising the next, putting me back on schedule! Hooray for progress!
Monday: I get minimal done on most Mondays as Wild Man is home with me. I did get some major revisions completed and sent the first half of the chapter off to my adviser.
Tuesday: 6 pages written
Wednesday: 3 pages written, coupled with a visit to the midwife and various other errands that had to be done
Thursday: no progress on the dissertation due to teaching responsibilities
Friday: 5 pages; notes taken on Foucault's Discipline and Punish; as a plus, I also wrote the section of the chapter that includes references to this.
I'm feeling very jazzed about this next section; in fact, I'd love to churn out another 3 or 4 pages tonight, leaving me only the conclusion of the chapter to write. I'm seriously considering heading out this evening after dinner and leaving C and Wild Man to handle the bedtime routine on their own, so I can accomplish this goal.
Next week is Spring Break, so I have no teaching responsibilities, aside from grading (YUCK!), so I will finish this chapter and complete revising the next, putting me back on schedule! Hooray for progress!
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
A little less flummoxed
Tonight at dinner, amidst Wild Man's ongoing discussion of his events at school (it seems that his buddy Theresa chased him around the room yet again), C and returned to our conversation of home birth. I asked him point blank how he feels about it. He said he many of his original feelings still stand, especially given the emergency nature of Wild Man's birth and how close we came to having a C-section. But he also said he feels like our situation in CU Land is somewhat different.
If we had wanted a home birth in Southwest College Town, we would have been hard pressed to find a midwife to work with us. We would have had to pay all expenses out of pocket, as our insurance didn't cover home births. Add all of this to the general anxiety we felt because we were having our first child, and a home birth just wasn't something either one of us was willing to consider. This time, however, if we choose a home birth, we will have two certified midwives attending us, both of whom we've already met and really like and trust. In C's mind, this changes the game a bit. These are women who have credible degrees in midwifery from highly respected Canadian universities. Both have been practicing for some time, and both have attended numerous home births in the past. While he still has lots of concerns, C also made it very clear that he is more than willing to discuss this with our midwife and consider this as a real option.
For my part, I'm still uncertain. I don't know if I can even articulate why the idea of a home birth is appealing to me this time around. I don't feel that I had an unsatisfying birth experience with Wild Man. Given the issues surrounding his birth, I really believe I had as close to the experience I wanted. My midwife and I have already talked about Wild Man's birth, and she has assured me that she will not perform several of the interventions that my OB just routinely did. I will not, for example, have an episiotomy this time around; if I tear, I tear. But I've done some research on this, and apparently the rate for tearing is greatly reduced when a woman uses a midwife--at least this is what the stats I've found for the province we're living in indicate. I did some quick research on home births earlier today, and I was reassured by what I learned. The survival rate for moms and babies are actually slightly higher in a home birth environment than in a hospital--it is around .25% difference. Midwives are required by provincial law to stay with the family for a minimum of 2 hours after the placenta is delivered, but most stay at least 3 hours if not more. Midwives are also required by law to visit the mom and baby the day following delivery, and most visit a minimum of 3 times in the first week (and my midwife will do this regardless of whether I give birth at home or in a hospital). As I wrote in my earlier post, midwives bring all necessary equipment with you, although families are responsible for any extras they want--like renting a birthing tub.
I feel at least somewhat more knowledgeable about this, and tomorrow we're going to ask my midwife some questions about home births. We both still have lots of questions and some concerns--like what do we do with Wild Man, for example. He gets upset when I throw up and tells Baby Z to "leave Mommy alone"; I don't think he'd react well to hearing me in labor. Clearly we have a lot to figure out, but it is really cool to know that this is something we can think about now.
If we had wanted a home birth in Southwest College Town, we would have been hard pressed to find a midwife to work with us. We would have had to pay all expenses out of pocket, as our insurance didn't cover home births. Add all of this to the general anxiety we felt because we were having our first child, and a home birth just wasn't something either one of us was willing to consider. This time, however, if we choose a home birth, we will have two certified midwives attending us, both of whom we've already met and really like and trust. In C's mind, this changes the game a bit. These are women who have credible degrees in midwifery from highly respected Canadian universities. Both have been practicing for some time, and both have attended numerous home births in the past. While he still has lots of concerns, C also made it very clear that he is more than willing to discuss this with our midwife and consider this as a real option.
For my part, I'm still uncertain. I don't know if I can even articulate why the idea of a home birth is appealing to me this time around. I don't feel that I had an unsatisfying birth experience with Wild Man. Given the issues surrounding his birth, I really believe I had as close to the experience I wanted. My midwife and I have already talked about Wild Man's birth, and she has assured me that she will not perform several of the interventions that my OB just routinely did. I will not, for example, have an episiotomy this time around; if I tear, I tear. But I've done some research on this, and apparently the rate for tearing is greatly reduced when a woman uses a midwife--at least this is what the stats I've found for the province we're living in indicate. I did some quick research on home births earlier today, and I was reassured by what I learned. The survival rate for moms and babies are actually slightly higher in a home birth environment than in a hospital--it is around .25% difference. Midwives are required by provincial law to stay with the family for a minimum of 2 hours after the placenta is delivered, but most stay at least 3 hours if not more. Midwives are also required by law to visit the mom and baby the day following delivery, and most visit a minimum of 3 times in the first week (and my midwife will do this regardless of whether I give birth at home or in a hospital). As I wrote in my earlier post, midwives bring all necessary equipment with you, although families are responsible for any extras they want--like renting a birthing tub.
I feel at least somewhat more knowledgeable about this, and tomorrow we're going to ask my midwife some questions about home births. We both still have lots of questions and some concerns--like what do we do with Wild Man, for example. He gets upset when I throw up and tells Baby Z to "leave Mommy alone"; I don't think he'd react well to hearing me in labor. Clearly we have a lot to figure out, but it is really cool to know that this is something we can think about now.
Flummoxed
I cannot think of another word for how much C floored me yesterday; he truly left me flummoxed, and I'm not sure what to do about it.
Yesterday we were discussing my next appointment with my midwife and what questions we had (as an aside, at some point I need to write about the differences between having a midwife and an OB). As we talked I relayed a story that my office mate (yes, I'm finally making friends!) had shared with me about the birth of her second daughter. She had a home birth and told me that, unlike what I know about home births in the states, she and her partner didn't have to provide anything; the midwife brought it all. I was really surprised by this, and said as much to C. He then looked at me and said "You've been talking a lot about home births recently; do you want to have a home birth?" I was completely floored.
First, I haven't been talking about home births a lot recently; or if I have, I certainly didn't realize it. Second, I have been contemplating the advantages of a home birth, but given C adamant stance against home births, I haven't brought it up with him. C made this comment just as we were putting Wild Man in the tub, which immediately precedes the bedtime routine. After Wild Man fell asleep, C also went to bed, as he is trying to get over a cold. We never really got to finish the conversation, and I'm not sure how I feel. On one hand, a home birth scares the crap out of me, but on the other, I remember how many times my sleep was interrupted by nurses and how loud the hospital was. I haven't been considering a home birth as a way to avoid medical interventions because I know my midwife and I are on the same page there, but I have thought that a home birth might be more restful in some ways. Now that C has put it out there, I feel like it is something I can consider and we can talk about. But first I have to figure out how I feel about it. . .
Yesterday we were discussing my next appointment with my midwife and what questions we had (as an aside, at some point I need to write about the differences between having a midwife and an OB). As we talked I relayed a story that my office mate (yes, I'm finally making friends!) had shared with me about the birth of her second daughter. She had a home birth and told me that, unlike what I know about home births in the states, she and her partner didn't have to provide anything; the midwife brought it all. I was really surprised by this, and said as much to C. He then looked at me and said "You've been talking a lot about home births recently; do you want to have a home birth?" I was completely floored.
First, I haven't been talking about home births a lot recently; or if I have, I certainly didn't realize it. Second, I have been contemplating the advantages of a home birth, but given C adamant stance against home births, I haven't brought it up with him. C made this comment just as we were putting Wild Man in the tub, which immediately precedes the bedtime routine. After Wild Man fell asleep, C also went to bed, as he is trying to get over a cold. We never really got to finish the conversation, and I'm not sure how I feel. On one hand, a home birth scares the crap out of me, but on the other, I remember how many times my sleep was interrupted by nurses and how loud the hospital was. I haven't been considering a home birth as a way to avoid medical interventions because I know my midwife and I are on the same page there, but I have thought that a home birth might be more restful in some ways. Now that C has put it out there, I feel like it is something I can consider and we can talk about. But first I have to figure out how I feel about it. . .
Friday, February 06, 2009
Progress, continued
For some reason it helps me to keep a record of what I've done on my blog, so I'm sorry if these little updates are boring to the few readers I have, but I will likely keep doing it.
Here are this week's stats:
Monday: mostly lost due to travel, but I did manage to get some revisions done on the plane while Wild Man watched a movie.
Tuesday: wrote 5 pages and mapped out the next section
Wednesday: wrote 5 pages and marked up several articles I need to take notes on
Thursday: Thursdays are always a bit of a bust because I teach, and frankly, I'm not sacrificing any of my other writing time to prepping. I prep in the morning and teach in the afternoon. Luckily, the past two weeks I've been teaching the text I'm writing my current chapter on, so I didn't have much prep to do. Yesterday I worked on some revisions and read an article.
Today: I've spent the better part of the day wrestling with Foucault (b/c I thought it would be fun to make my life more difficult) and Patricia Hill Collins. I've written a page and a half and think I can get at least one more written before I have to pick up Wild Man.
Tomorrow: we have lots of errands to run, and C and I are planning to do a bunch of cooking so we have stuff in the freezer. I will take advantage of Wild Man's naptime though and hope to write at least 2 pages.
Sunday: same as Saturday.
Weekly total: (assuming I get 4 pages written on Saturday and Sunday) 16, give or take a half a page.
If I can stick to this, I can have this chapter entirely drafted by Tuesday, which puts me just a week behind schedule. I'm a pretty fast reviser, so I think I can make the time up fairly quickly and get back on track. Now that I've put it out there for all my bloggy friends to read, I have to do it.
Here are this week's stats:
Monday: mostly lost due to travel, but I did manage to get some revisions done on the plane while Wild Man watched a movie.
Tuesday: wrote 5 pages and mapped out the next section
Wednesday: wrote 5 pages and marked up several articles I need to take notes on
Thursday: Thursdays are always a bit of a bust because I teach, and frankly, I'm not sacrificing any of my other writing time to prepping. I prep in the morning and teach in the afternoon. Luckily, the past two weeks I've been teaching the text I'm writing my current chapter on, so I didn't have much prep to do. Yesterday I worked on some revisions and read an article.
Today: I've spent the better part of the day wrestling with Foucault (b/c I thought it would be fun to make my life more difficult) and Patricia Hill Collins. I've written a page and a half and think I can get at least one more written before I have to pick up Wild Man.
Tomorrow: we have lots of errands to run, and C and I are planning to do a bunch of cooking so we have stuff in the freezer. I will take advantage of Wild Man's naptime though and hope to write at least 2 pages.
Sunday: same as Saturday.
Weekly total: (assuming I get 4 pages written on Saturday and Sunday) 16, give or take a half a page.
If I can stick to this, I can have this chapter entirely drafted by Tuesday, which puts me just a week behind schedule. I'm a pretty fast reviser, so I think I can make the time up fairly quickly and get back on track. Now that I've put it out there for all my bloggy friends to read, I have to do it.
Wednesday, February 04, 2009
Wild Man changes his name
For the past several months Wild Man has been obsessed with the movie Madagascar. He loves this movie so much that C bought him beanie babies of all the characters, and they have quickly become his favorite toys. He is particularly enamored by Gloria. In fact, he has recently decided that he is Gloria. He has refused to answer to anything but Gloria for the past two days. When we refer to him by his name, he says "No, I Gloria." He even insisted that his teachers call him Gloria today at school. When we picked him up and he said good-bye to all of his friends, they called "Good-bye, Gloria." But he is not only insisting that he is Gloria; C has become Alex, I have become Melman, and our cat Minerva is Marty. In order to get him to do anything, C and I have had to stop calling ourselves Mommy and Daddy and start calling ourselves Alex and Melman. It's been an interesting few days in our house.
Tuesday, February 03, 2009
Some days
Some days, like today, I have a lot of success with my writing--at least in terms of how much I'm able to produce. Other days, like last Wednesday, I have so little success that I end up feeling intensely disappointed in myself. What is it about any given day that means it will either be a good or a bad work day? I realize there is no real answer to this question. As my mom says to me when I tell her I'm having a bad day,"Sometimes your moon is just in asparagus." I know some things are unexplainable, but I tell you, I really wish I could explain this one thing so I wouldn't have any more unproductive days.
Home
After a weekend trip to attend the baptism of our goddaughter, we are home. Wild Man woke up this morning asking to see Jeezy and Lion Cub, which made me tear up a bit, but once I assured him that Jeezy and Lion Cub would be visiting in a few months, he was comforted (Note to Solon and Megs: you can't disappoint Wild Man; this kid has an amazing memory. He will ask when you're coming to visit every few days until he sees you next!).
Returning home, I have all the usual things to do after a trip: laundry, grocery shopping, a bit of cleaning. After C and Wild Man left this morning, I actually contemplated doing all of those things quickly (well, except the shopping as C took the car), but then I heard Jennie's voice in the back of my head saying, "Let it go, M. Go work." While I did start a load of laundry, I am only planning to do what is absolutely essential to life--I mean, I only have so many pairs of maternity pants! The cleaning can wait. We're having a quick and easy dinner with ingredients that are already in my pantry, so there is no need to go to the store (although I do think I will get C to stop by the store on the way home to pick up a few essentials) until the weekend. Tonight, C and I are finally going to sit down and make list of daily and weekly chores that have to get done. I plan on hearing Jennie's voice every time I consider putting something on the list. Now that I've finished answering student emails (you'd think these ladies had never written a short paper before), I'm going to have a quick snack and get down to work. I need to crank out at least 5 more pages today, and since I have a pretty good handle on this section I am feeling very confident that I can do this!
Returning home, I have all the usual things to do after a trip: laundry, grocery shopping, a bit of cleaning. After C and Wild Man left this morning, I actually contemplated doing all of those things quickly (well, except the shopping as C took the car), but then I heard Jennie's voice in the back of my head saying, "Let it go, M. Go work." While I did start a load of laundry, I am only planning to do what is absolutely essential to life--I mean, I only have so many pairs of maternity pants! The cleaning can wait. We're having a quick and easy dinner with ingredients that are already in my pantry, so there is no need to go to the store (although I do think I will get C to stop by the store on the way home to pick up a few essentials) until the weekend. Tonight, C and I are finally going to sit down and make list of daily and weekly chores that have to get done. I plan on hearing Jennie's voice every time I consider putting something on the list. Now that I've finished answering student emails (you'd think these ladies had never written a short paper before), I'm going to have a quick snack and get down to work. I need to crank out at least 5 more pages today, and since I have a pretty good handle on this section I am feeling very confident that I can do this!
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