Thursday, December 13, 2012
Holidays and gender
I'm up later than I should be completing holiday-oriented tasks. I've addressed Christmas cards, which I designed and ordered. I've also done most of the decorating, shopping, and menu-planning. As I was addressing envelopes, it struck me how much of the holiday is gendered. Archer decorated the outside, set up the tree, and hung lights. He has done some shopping with me, and we did discuss what we would buy for the boys. I bought all the "extra" gifts--for teachers (4 in total), friends, nieces, and nephews. In fact the only gift Archer has bought entirely on his own is the one we're getting for his mom, and that is because I told him I wasn't doing it. To be honest, more than half of the stuff I do isn't essential (I mean we didn't have to decorate a gingerbread house last weekend), but it is fun for the boys and helps make the holiday special for them and us. That said, Archer just wouldn't think of a lot of stuff--like sending Christmas cards or buying gifts for the boys' teachers. I know that women do the bulk of relationship building, but still I find it frustrating. When I put the Christmas cards in front of him to sign, he'll ask why we aren't sending cards to about half a dozen or so people. In the past I've just added them to the list. This year I'm going to tell him if he wants to send cards to his old friends and family he can address the cards.
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4 comments:
Well said!!! I was wondering the same thing the other day. Sigh... what are we to do, though? Today we were actually having a conversation in the car and I (in a very frustrated tone) said to K that I thought that the U.S. wasn't going to have a woman president anytime soon. We talked a bit about gender and he just kept saying, "it's the testosterone, you just don't have it, there's nothing that can be done." Sigh...
Earlier this week K asked me "why do we need all these cards?" I was so angry I sat down and made a list and showed to him that we had enough friends to send ALL those cards to (the cards were in Portuguese, he was wondering if we'd have 50 Brazilian family & friends -- we have MORE than that, obviously).
Thanks for blogging this!
I totally expected this to be about gendered gifts from the title, since that's what I keep seeing elsewhere.
I do more for the holidays as well. I do the baking, but I prefer my recipes to his (as does my family), so there's that. And he helps mom with the meal on Christmas Eve, I don't. I do the cards, but we send so few, and mostly to people I know, so I'm not sure I complain. This year I bought more of the gifts, but I'm also working less so I have time to go to the stores during less busy hours. I decorated. He has to put up the tree, if we get one because two years ago we learned that I'm super allergic--I helped him handle the tree and had huge welts on my arm and needed to take medication...I don't think I mind the divide this year because we're doing decidedly less than we normally ever do.
But in general, you're right. My mom does more of all of that stuff and it drives me nuts that dad doesn't. Mom and dad both work full time--but he can come home and read the paper while she figures out dinner, makes dinner, cleans up after dinner, etc. I don't get it.
I totally agree that the Christmas cards should be addressed by the person who is related or associated to the recipient.
I think a lot of women know that anything worthwhile that they can feel good about involves a lot of preparation and thinking ahead. Which as you mentioned, men are not generally good at, and don't notice or feel a need to change.
I dont know how someone doesn't notice year after year that a whole lot of stuff is happening that he/she isn't participating in, but our family has my dad's "must stay busy and participate" Navy style OCD.
perhaps because it's embedded, I feel making a fuss over people is an awesome way to show love and valuing a relationship, though. I've learned my MIL is the same way, and she seems to find Xmas extra fun because she was a December baby.
But I have met people who act like anything fussy you can do is "just so much work" and "just buy something" or "leave it up to someone else". Not surprisingly I don't like these people, and I dont think it's the "hard to relate" part I think it's the when they look back on times they could have made an effort and just said "oh whatever" they cost themselves some of life's best moments.
When I was younger, we had to write Santa and make him a card. Of course we left out cookies. When I was old enough I helped with cookies.
Christmas morning, the doors of the fireplace were open and a newspaper was smudged with soot as if someone had been there and wiped their feet.
I think this was my Dad's doing, and he also put up the tree, strung its lights, and outdoor decor.
--Prudence
This year, the only thing Hubby's done for the holidays are put up & decorate the tree with the girls and then, only on my request, did he go out and buy a gift for Eliza's teacher (and I had to give specific instructions on what to get and where to get it). I have put up the outdoor lights, bought ALL Christmas gifts (even those for his family), shipped any gifts that needed to be shipped, wrapped all gifts thus far, baked dozens of cookies, and spent God knows how much time planning the menu for the week my father will be here for the holidays. This year, frankly, I could care less that we won't be sending cards. And next year? He can buy gifts for his own family.
I work just as hard as Hubby, have just as much stress, and even less time considering my drive to a second college campus. Things will either be more equitable in the future, or there's a whole bunch of stuff that simply won't get done. I may not prefer it to be that way, but I'm tired of over-extending myself to the point of complete exhaustion. I'm really not a humbug, I'm just human (rather than superhuman).
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