I am regularly asked if I'm going to "try for a girl." I hate this question. I really do. First, it assumes that I'm unhappy mothering three sons. Second, it privileges the relationship between a mother and a daughter as somehow more meaningful, more important than the one between a mother and a son. I typically just laugh and say, "No, three boys is just right for us." I realize the individuals asking the question don't mean any harm, but really, it isn't so bad being the only woman in a house of four men.
In fact, I'm often glad I don't have a daughter. I'm often uncertain a mother and a daughter relationship can be healthy. I mean, I know it can; I have seen lots of examples in my life. I have friends who have great relationships with their mothers. I have friends who have great relationships with their daughters. But in my own family, the relationships are contested at best, particularly the one between my mother and sister.
You see, my mother and sister don't really talk. They text, and they attempt to communicate through me. I talk to my mother about twice a week, and she invariably asks "Have you talked to your sister? Do you know what's going on with her?" Sometimes I have talked to my sister, and I occasionally share what I consider to be fairly innocuous details with my mother, primarily to appease her and make my life easier. Lots of times, though, I haven't spoken to my sister in weeks, sometimes months, and I have nothing to share. When I do talk to my sister, she says thinks like, "Why does Mom call you and not me?" Well, I know the answer to this, but I don't share it. Telling my sister that my mom finds her to be self-centered (she is, but so is my mom) and reticent about discussing her children (we are, after all, at the point in our lives when our mom is more interested in hearing about her grandkids than about us, and that's fine with me, but not so fine with my sister). My mom calls my sister to check on her, but she also wants to know how Brown-Eyed Boy and Girl are doing. My sister never discusses them, never. This upsets my mom, so she has stopped calling, relying instead on weekly text messages.
My mom isn't much better than my sister at communicating; in fact, she's rather judgmental, particularly about my sister's choices. Simply put, she can't keep her opinions to herself. Sure my sister makes poor choices, but as the choices rarely impact her children, I don't think my mom should offer her opinion. That said, I also don't think my sister should seek out my mom's opinion and then get pissed when my mom offers one my sister doesn't like. It's complicated, and it's childish.
In fact, this is the model that most mother-daughter relationships seem to follow. It's as though strong, independent women revert to adolescent behavior when dealing with their mothers and their daughters. It's odd and disconcerting. I realize I have no guarantee my relationship with my sons will be any different, but I'm taking notes, and I'm cautiously optimistic.
4 comments:
My brother has that relationship with our mom to a degree weeks, sometimes months go by before any of us hear from him. Mom and I talk (e-mail really) often. She always asks about him, and I usually have nothing to offer. So I'm not sure it's a mom-daughter thing.
We both (bro and I) struggle with wanting to ask our parents for advice, and then being upset about the advice given--complicated, yes, childish? I'm not sure. At the end of the day, I want their approval. So does he. At the end of the day, ou parents are excellent at "it's your life" which sounds really awful when we are looking for validation. (And we didn't get much validation as kids either, hence looking now). Add to that, mom's terrible with emotions. Terrible. I'm not sure what I'm saying really, other than I sympathize with your sister. (And with you! Getting asked "so how is....doing?" when you have to screen what you say or having nothing to say gets old. I sometims say "call him.")
I should clarify, RL; I don't think my sister should seek my mom's opinion on things she knows my mom will not respond positively too. For example, last week my sister got a rather large tattoo on her forearm. She wanted it b/c she feels having it will help her stay positive as she struggles with her depressive episodes connected to her bipolar. She sent my mother a picture of it without any explanation. When my mother, who hates tattoos, responded less than positively, my sister spent the next 90 minutes messaging me about how horrible our mother is. My take on this is fairly simple: don't go seeking feedback if, when you stop to consider the situation for 2 minutes, you know you're not going to receive the feedback you're looking for. My mom's response was not surprising in the least. I get that my sister was excited and wanted to share that excitement, but on some level, I also think she wanted one more reason to say "I have such a horrible mother!" I guess my point is that I'm over it. I want them to either figure out how to have a moderately healthy relationship or just stop speaking to each other. I definitely want them to stop speaking to each other.
And my standard response to them both is always, "If you want to know so badly, just call her!"
Sigh... I'm sorry about your mom and your sister. I think you're right in trying to stay out of it as much as possible.
I also agree that mother-daughter relationships can be fraught with angst and problems. My relationship with my mom is hard too because she thinks she understands me, but we're so different and she doesn't, really. In spite of that we have a good relationship, talk a lot, etc.
As I blogged back in May 2006 (a post my mom accidentally read and which caused quite a bit of trouble) and then later again, I'm glad I had sons in the end. I think that because I have some problems with my mom I'd have trouble with my daughter too. My relationship with my sons isn't perfect, but, like you, I'm cautiously optimistic about our prospects. Let's hope our intuition proves right!
I don't know. I don't really see my adult relationship with my mom as troubling in any way. And, though, we speak less often, I consider myself very close with my dad, as well. As an adolescent, I was closer with my dad but, because I lived with my mom and was primarily under her jurisdiction, she was forced to be the heavy.
In terms of my relationship with my own children, I feel like they're forged so much on personality. My relationship with Kid A (a girl) is, as you know, VERY different than that with Kid B (another girl). And Ringo--I have no idea why I'm calling him that, but it totally works, right?--has a completely different attachment to me than either girl. I know they're all still very young. But Kid A, at six, is mature enough to want some conversations to be private and, more often than not, those private issues are for my ears only.
What I'm saying, I think, is that kids respond to their moms (and dads, although that's not what's at stake here) based on the kind of moms they are. And if I'm right, then you, my dear, have nothing to worry about!
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