I really should be . . .

doing 18 other things, but I'm facing a serious lack of motivation. In fact, I don't think I've been this unmotivated since I was pregnant with Wild Man and working on my dissertation proposal. I have not motivation to do anything. I have a long list of things I need to do, and a lot of those are even things I want to do. But I don't want to do any of them. So I keep asking myself why am I not motivated?

I think some of lack of motivation is due to the disappointment of the job search. Part of me thinks, no one was interested in me, so why bother? I know there is a lack of logic to this statement, but it is how I feel. I also think some of it is due to the lack of deadlines. I have to do teaching prep and I have to grade, but I do not have to write a grant proposal or an article. Again, there is a lack of logic to this rationale, but it is how I feel. I can think of a million things I'd rather do than revise my chapter into an article, even though I could likely have the revisions done in 2 weeks. I am fully aware that adding a publication to my CV would greatly improve my chances on the market next year--or hell, even this year. But I am not motivated. I'm trying to figure out how to get motivated, but so far it isn't working. I really just don't want to do any of this right now, and I also really don't want to analyze why I don't want to.

Motivation

I'm having trouble staying motivated to work on my dissertation again, and there are a variety of reasons why. I don't feel like going into the reasons, though, because I don't feel like that will accomplish much. I have lots of reasons to be motivated, and I am managing to get work done. I am not, however, getting as much work done as I think I should be. At any given point in the day I can thing of 10 things I could be doing rather than working on my dissertation, and generally, I'd rather be doing at least 5 of those other things. That seems to be the nature of dissertation work for me.

Dissertation Frustration

I'm experiencing Dissertation Frustration. Last night, after a great weekend (S & I threw C a surprise graduation party, and we truly surprised him), I had a long cry. I've been struggling with some feelings the past few weeks, and last night was the first night I let myself talk about them. Here's the issue: I'm not getting as much done as I'd like to be getting done. I have a million reasons why not: I taught a summer course; I haven't read enough and don't feel ready to write; we moved; and I could go on I'm sure. But I'm having doubts, not about my ability to complete the dissertation and to get a tenure-track job, but about my desire to do so. Every week day morning, I drop S off at school, and I feel miserable leaving him. It isn't the same visceral misery I felt when he first started going to school (yes, it is a total euphemism for daycare, but it makes me feel better), but it is there. I'd simply rather be with him. I get enough work done every day to justify having him in school, but I don't get as much done as I'd like. Altogether I've written about 20 pages, and it doesn't all go together and none of it is particularly good at this point. I find myself daydreaming about staying home with S all the time.

I expressed these fears to C, and he was a bit baffled, to say the least. I'm the ambitious one in the relationship; for a while, he actually thought I'd finish before he did. But somewhere in the past few months, I've lost my motivation, and I'm not sure how to get it back.