December Adventures

This month I'm trying really hard to get organized and focused for the upcoming semester. I want to be more organized and focused. My goal for the upcoming year is to divide work and home more neatly. I know a complete division is almost impossible given my profession, but I hope to not be thinking about all the things I need to do in the back of my mind while I'm with my sons. I want my time with them to be focused on them. To that end, we've implemented a "no errand" policy on the weekends, or at least as few as errands as possible. We're going to focus our weekends on being together and being with our boys. Here are a few pictures of our December adventures.

Bear all bundled up

Bear and Wild Man all bundled up to pick out a Christmas Tree

Wild Man and Bear in matching PJs

Wild Man with his "cheese" smile

*Sorry if you missed the pictures!

Baby blues

I really hate the term "baby blues." I think it is dismissive of what the emotional changes that many women go through following the birth of a child. That said, I'm trying to determine if I'm experiencing a case of the "baby blues."

Following Bear's birth, I was emotional for a few weeks. Given the tendency for women in my family to get depressed, C and I talked about my emotional state a lot. In fact, since my sister was diagnosed as bi-polar, C is very aware of my moods and mood changes, but that is a topic for another post. Given the mood swings I was having, I talked to my mid-wife, and she encouraged me to get more sleep and to allow myself room to be upset and to adjust to life with two children. After a few weeks, I started to feel better, so I stopped worrying about it.

In the last few weeks, however, I've been wondering if the "baby blues" are returning. Putting Bear in daycare has upset me much more than I anticipated. I mean, I knew I would be upset, just as I was upset with Wild Man. I didn't anticipate, however, that thinking of him being with other caregivers would make me burst out in tears and feel so sad. I asked C his opinion a few days ago, and he said that I seem to be much more sensitive this time around, but he thinks it is because Bear will likely be our last baby. I am also experiencing a profound sense of disappointment that I was not able to stay home with him. I've been thinking about that a lot, as Wild Man started part-time daycare at 3 1/2 months. I've been trying to determine what the difference is with Bear, and I really think it is all about our geographic and cultural location. I live in a country where it is the norm to stay home for a year, and I didn't get to experience that for a variety of reasons, primarily financial. And that has left me sad. So I've been trying to gauge if I'm depressed or if I'm just really upset by this particular situation, and while I do think it is the latter, I think I'm going to be smart and talk to my doctor at a check-up next week.

Another note to Yetta

Dear Yetta,

I'm happy you're getting along so well with my sister-in-law, Auntie J. I do not understand, however, why you can only get along with one daughter-in-law at a time. J and I talked last night, and we've both observed that when you're happy with one of us you are also very unhappy with the other. Neither of us feels this is necessary, and in fact, it only puts pressure on our relationship with each other as we feel we're constantly competing for your attention. Can't we all just get along?

Love,
M.

Bear, 5 months

A Note to Yetta

Dear Yetta,

I am sorry to inform you that the world does not revolve around you. In fact, it revolves around a large celestial body known as the sun, which is responsible for heating and lighting the entire globe. I realize this is hard to believe, but it is so.

Sincerely,
M.

P.S. I'd also like to tell you that when you give someone a monetary gift you typically don't get to tell that person how to spend said gift. This is why I prefer not to receive monetary gifts.

Bear

C and I dropped both Wild Man and Bear off at school today. Wild Man will be there for his usual day of preschool, and Bear is only going to be there a few hours.

And it was hard, although not as hard as I expected. It helps that one of his caregivers is Wild Man's best buddy's mom. We've spent lots of time with her, and Bear likes her a lot. As soon as he saw her, he smiled and starting giggling. As we watched another mother dropping off her 11-month-old for the first time, I thought of one more thing to be positive about: Bear hasn't experienced any separation anxiety. He is not "making strange," as they say in Canada. He smiled at us when we left, and I know he'll be fine for the 2 hours that he will be there today. We're planning to take him to school for a few hours every day until the holiday starts. It sucks. I don't know how else to put it. But I do love that his school is on campus. I can be there in 5 minutes if I need to be (or want to be).

Daycare Update

Yesterday C and I learned that there is no chance of starting Bear later in December. If we want a spot in January, we have to start paying on Nov. 30. After we found this out, we were both quiet and tense. On the drive home, C said, "Suddenly, I feel sick to my stomach, and M, this is one time in our relationship where I get to be more upset than you do. I've been the one home with Bear, and I actually think I'm going to feel a little lost the first day we send him for the whole day." I looked at C and tried really hard not to burst into tears, especially since both Bear and Wild Man were in the backseat.

We talked about our plan after both boys were asleep. We've decided that we will start transitioning Bear this week and next week. It will be a slow process because we want it to be. Neither of us is really concerned about the cost, especially as my teaching 3 classes this term has enabled us to put a big chunk of money in savings. We want this to be easy on Bear and, frankly, to be easy on us. So by the second week of December, we plan to start taking him to his classroom for a few hours a day. Even though I don't want to do this, I know this is the best decision. He has to be used to his surroundings and his caregivers before the holiday. The school closes from Christmas Eve till the Winter Term begins, which means Bear will go straight to daycare after not seeing the school or his caregivers for about 10 days. The start of the term will be stressful enough on everyone (it always is), so we want that transition to be as smooth as possible. We will likely not leave Bear for a full 7-hour day until January, and as he is only going 3 days a week, I will still get plenty of time with him.

Yes, I'm making a conscious effort to focus on the positive.

Chaos

That single word describes my life this past semester. That and guilt. I've felt a lot of guilt about various things this semester. Suffice to say, teaching 3 classes while having an infant and a pre-schooler (oh, and a house and a husband) has been much more difficult than I would have ever imagined. I was thinking this morning (at 5:45 when Bear woke up for the day) that I've somehow managed to go a lot accomplished.

• I've sent out 34 job applications, and I have about 6 more to send out in the next 3 weeks.
• I've graded, on average, 40 papers a week.
• I've prepped lessons for 3 classes.
• I've written paper prompts, quizzes, and exams for 3 classes.
• I've managed to keep the house reasonably clean with lots of help from C.
• I've managed to continue nursing Bear, although I've logged in a lot of time at my breast pump (although I haven't written about it, this has been a major worry of mine).
• C and I have managed to keep both Bear and Wild Man from getting sick the entire semester, aside from a minor eye infection that Bear had in October.
• I attended a major conference in my field.
• I've kept up with office hours.
• C and I have managed to cook relatively nutritious dinners 5 nights out of 7.
• We've actually attended a few social events, and while C's family was here, we even managed to go out to lunch just the two of us.

When I see that all in writing, I know why I'm tired. The semester ends on the 8th, and I am so looking forward to a break, albeit a short one, as the Winter term starts on January 4th. I plan to spend one whole day in my pajamas just hanging out with my guys.

Bear and Daycare

In January, C's leave ends, and given our teaching schedules, Bear will have to go to daycare part-time. I'm ok with this. Notice I didn't say I'm ecstatic or anything. I'm just ok. He will go three days a week, and two of those days are essential as C's and my teaching schedules overlap on those days. He will be 6 months old, and he will be going to the same school that Wild Man goes to. He will literally be a 10 minute walk from me if I decide I want to go nurse in the middle of the day. Plus, his teacher is going to be Miss M., who is Wild Man's best friend's mom. We know Miss M., and Bear likes her a lot. I'm quite pleased that he has been placed in her room as I think it will make the transition easier for him. This has been the plan for sometime, and as I said, I'm ok with this plan.

Last week we got a call from the school telling us that a spot had opened up for Nov. 30th. The person who does the scheduling for the infant rooms knows our situation and knows we don't want Bear to start until January, but as she explained it, she didn't know if any other spots would be opening up between now and January. If we wanted to ensure Bear had a spot in January, we had to take the November 30th spot. I agreed, but I made it clear that I preferred to wait. I even said if another spot opened that I wanted to take the later spot. She agreed, but I haven't heard anything.

November 30th is about 10 days away, and last night, C asked me what our plan was. He wants to go ahead and start Bear before the holiday break, especially if we'll already be paying for the spot. I, however, don't. After Dec. 7th, I will be done for the semester, aside from grading. I was really looking forward to just hanging out with Bear before the holidays and MLA. The thought of taking him to daycare, whether it is November 30th or later, makes me sick to my stomach. As I told C, I'm feeling all the things I felt when we started Wild Man in daycare. I know Bear has to go in January, but I don't want him to go any sooner than that. C seems to understand, but I can tell he isn't pleased. I know he'd rather start Bear so that we could both get a lot of work done in December and not be so stressed out at the start of the semester. He also said he thinks it is a good idea to get Bear exposed to the school to start building up his immune system. He makes a good argument, but then he does what he always does with these kinds of decisions. He said, "But if you want to have him home with you, that's what we'll do." I don't know what to do.

Random Thoughts

I haven't been blogging regularly, and while I miss, I don't have the time or the energy to post as much as I used to. In fact, I'm writing this at 6:30 in the morning, as Bear woke me up at 5:45 ready to play. I had to get up in 45 minutes anyway, so we're hanging out downstairs while C and Wild Man continue to sleep. Bear is currently playing with his favorite toy and trying to sit up on his own, while I do some things on the computer. I'm thinking about so many different things lately, so I thought I'd post some random thoughts.

• MLA is in about 6 weeks, and I still haven't decided what to do about the conference. I made hotel reservations in September, but I haven't bought a plane ticket. In fact, we can't decide if I should go, if the whole family should go, or if Bear and I should go. I'd rather take the whole family if only because I won't be worried about everyone. If I take Bear with me, I know there will be lots of friends there who will happily take care of him if I'm in an interview, but I also know I'll be more relaxed if I know Bear is with C. C thinks I should go on my own, but Bear will only be 6 months old at that point. He'll still be nursing a lot, and he is still nursing a lot at night (at least twice). I'm not sure either of us is ready to be away from each other for that long. So we're currently contemplating other options.
• We also can't decide if we want to fly or drive. Flying has its advantages, but it is expensive. Driving is, well, driving. Putting the boys in the car for 8+ hours isn't my idea of fun. Although given the fact that we'd likely fly out of the nearest big U.S. city, we may as well just drive and have the freedom of having our own car.
  
• I have about 12 more applications to send off in the next 2 weeks, and at that point, I will have applied for about 36 jobs. I've eliminated and added some along the way. I've heard from two schools requesting my full dossier, so we'll see what we see. C is very confident that I'll get interviews this year, but I'm not so sure. I think he is being a supportive husband more than anything else.
• Wild Man has been very clingy and needy since C's return. For the past few days he is demanding hugs and kisses from both C and I all the time and randomly announcing, "I love you, Mommy. I love you, Daddy." I think this has something to do with C's recent trip and all the family who have come and gone in the past two weeks. He seems to want to make sure that no one is going anywhere for a while, which is another reason why I'd rather just take everyone to MLA.
• I finally gave in and started Bear on solids. We initially tried a few weeks ago, at C's insistence and our doctor's suggestion. She said he was showing all the indications that he was ready, which, frankly, I disagreed with. The first night we gave him some very runny rice cereal mixed with breast milk he just let it run down his chin and started screaming. I felt justified knowing I was right! But while C was gone, Bear began reaching for my plate and watching everyone eat. He even started imitating us chew. About 2 weeks after we first tried rice cereal, I tried it again, and he willingly (and happily) ate about 2 tablespoons. We've since introduced oatmeal, which he seems to prefer, and sweet potatoes, which he loves. Since he is so much younger than Wild Man was when he started solids, I want to introduce new foods more slowly. And since Bear is likely my last baby, I want to do things with him that I didn't do with Wild Man, so I'm trying my hand at homemade baby food. I made Wild Man a few things, but it was easier at that time to buy jarred baby food. In all honesty, it would be easier this time around too, but I want to start Bear off on organic food, at least for the first year. Organic produce is much cheaper than organic baby food in CU Land, so I'll be able to make baby food and freeze it for a lot less than I could buy it already made.
• I cannot believe Christmas is only 6 weeks away. I have done nothing to prepare. I will be hitting the internet again to send gifts to family in the States. I think we're going to get Wild Man an art easel, but I have no idea what to get Bear. Or C for that matter.
  
• I'm presenting at a conference in town tomorrow and am totally unprepared. Luckily the paper is written, although I haven't looked at it in about 3 years. I think it will be a late night. . .
  
• I'm contemplating hiring a baby sitter for a Saturday afternoon so C and I can go out alone, even if only for an hour. I have a student who has mentioned that she does a lot of babysitting. She seems to be really bright and dependable, and given her personality, I know Wild Man would like her. I'm not sure she could manage both boys though, especially given Bear's random unwillingness to take a bottle. I'm also not sure it's ethical for me to hire someone who is currently in my class.
• I guess I should stop writing and get my day started. . .
  

C is home!

C got home on Wednesday night. Both boys were asleep by the time he made it home. Bear, however, woke up around 5 to play, and when he saw his father, his entire face lit up. He played for an hour or so, and when he got fussy, which usually indicates he is ready to nurse and go back to sleep, he refused to nurse. He kept coming off the breast and looking at C. C finally took him and rocked him back to sleep. Yesterday was my long teaching day, and apparently Bear was only happy when C was holding him.

When Wild Man woke up, C walked into his room, and I heard Wild Man shout, "Hooray! Daddy is home!" Both boys have staid very close to their dad in the past 24-hours, despite the presence of both Yetta and Pita (I'll write more on that later). In fact, right now all my men are snuggling on the couch together. Seeing them together is wonderful.

A productive Sunday

So the entire time change threw Wild Man off, which means I've been up forever. First Bear woke up at 5 to play, which is not that unusual. By 6 he was ready to go back to sleep. I nursed him and got him down, and just as I was drifting off to sleep Wild Man started hollering "Mommy! I want to play!" I debated waking my mom up, but honestly, it wasn't worth it. Wild Man likely would have flipped out and had a meltdown or just demanded me anyway. So I got up and took him downstairs. We chatted, and then he asked to watch a movie. I was exhausted, so I complied. He watched while I drank coffee and graded. Bear woke up about 45 minutes later, and then I did get my mom up. She amused Bear while I kept on grading. After my brother got up and Wild Man's movie was over, we had breakfast. Then Wild Man drug his uncle upstairs to play, and my mom did some stuff around the house for me (my house is a wreck, and I don't even care that Yetta will be here later in the week; how's that for progress?). Meanwhile I nursed Bear, and we both napped on the couch for an hour or so. Then we all got ready and headed to the bookstore, where we met some friends. Wild Man played with his buddies while I chatted with my friend and my mom shopped for Wild Man and Bear. By the time we got home, it was lunchtime and then naptime. Currently Bear is napping on me (no, I'm not moving him as I needed him to cooperate), Wild Man is napping in his room (despite fighting the nap, he finally gave in), and my mom is napping on the couch. My brother is reading. I have just finished grading all 22 of my students' job portfolios and am about to finish up some more job applications myself.

Not bad for a Sunday.

5 nights down . . .

5 nights to go until C returns. I'm exhausted for a variety of reasons. I want to write more, but all mental energy is focused on childcare, job applications, and grading.

Today I have to get out 5 more applications, after getting out 8 earlier this week. Somehow I'll also manage to get Wild Man to a birthday party and take both Wild Man and Bear trick or treating. I will also try not to strangle my mother. I will remember she is doing her best and that it has been over 30 years since she took care of little ones.

Oh, and somehow I will maintain my already tenuous hold on my sanity.

Quiet

My house is too quiet, and it is starting to annoy me. C is currently in Spain while I'm home with the boys. My mom and brother are here helping me take care of them, and I'd forgotten how quiet they are. Add to that the fact that I'm either grading or working on job materials and Wild Man is working on his puzzles, which means that there isn't a whole lot of talking going on. If C were here he and I would be talking while I worked and he played with the boys. Given Wild Man's recent penchant for randomly screaming I never thought I'd complain my house was too quiet, but there it is. Even Bear is being quiet.

Happy Birthday, Wild Man!!

Wild Man is officially 3 today!

No, no, no. . .

I do not want the pediatrician to tell me that Bear can begin eating solid food whenever he shows interest. I am not ready for my baby to be 4 months old. I am not, I am not, I am not.

And yes, I am having a bit of an emotional temper tantrum. I had a really big one on Friday and told C how much I dislike him right now since he is the one who gets to stay home with Bear. I also told him if we end up staying in Canada and if I get a tenure-track job at CU we may well have a third child so I take a year off and stay home with one child. I told you I was having a temper tantrum.

Now and then

On Tuesday, Wild Man turns 3. I can hardly believe how much he's changed in 3 years. To commemorate this event, here are two pictures of him. The first was taken as we were leaving for his birthday party. The second was taken when he was just a few days old. How time flies. Happy Birthday, my Wild Man!


*I deleted the "now" image, but kept the "then" image as Wild Man looks nothing like this anymore.

It happened. . .

So Wild Man turns 3 next week, and by the nature of the travels I described in my last post, none of our extended family will be here for his birthday. Wild Man could care less, quite frankly. He asked for a birthday party with his friends, so we're having one. I guarantee he won't notice if I'm there let alone if either of his grandmother's is there. That said, my mom gets in to town for a 9 day visit a few days after Wild Man's birthday, and she has said she wants to take him shopping for a present. That's cool with me because it means I don't have to tell my mom what to get him. Wild Man can pick it out for himself. When my mom said this to me, I told C and then immediately told him not to tell him mom because I'm not up for dealing with the battle of the grandmothers. I'm just not. Well, C screwed up and mentioned this to his mom (although in his defense she did ask what my mom was getting Wild Man for his birthday). So now not only does Yetta also have to take him shopping when she comes to visit after she and C return from Spain, she is also insisting that we have another party (yes, another party, including friends, cake, and activities) for him because she doesn't want to miss "all the birthday celebrations." You know, taking him to buy him a gift is fine with me; in fact, I think it is a great thing for them to do together. I am not drawing out his birthday for 2 flipping weeks because she is jealous of the time he will be spending with my mom.

Ok, I just reread this and thought: "So, M, she wants to celebrate his birthday with him. Really, what's the big deal? Why are you so annoyed?" I'm trying to be reasonable about Yetta as I promised myself long ago that I would be, but I am tired of being reasonable. I'm annoyed because I feel like she's making Wild Man's birthday about her.

Random Updates

C just left to take Wild Man to school and took Bear along for the ride, so I actually have 45 minutes to myself. Before I take a shower, I thought I'd post some updates.

• I'm about 5 weeks into the semester, and we've finally settled into a routine of sorts. C and Bear have worked out most issues with the bottle, although Bear will still refuse it randomly. C is a bit frustrated that he isn't able to get more research or writing done, but he has been able to submit one grant application. And as he keeps reminding himself, he is on leave. His focus is supposed to be Bear, so it is ok if he doesn't get anything done.
• Wild Man turns 3 in less than a week. C and I are both having a hard time with that one. We've planned a birthday party for him at a local children's museum. This is the first party that will consist mainly of Wild Man's friends rather than mine and C's.
• In another milestone for Wild Man, we recently attend his friend's third birthday party. As we were leaving, C said to me, "You know, D is the first friend Wild Man has made on his own. He isn't the child of one of our friends, but someone Wild Man chose on his own to be friends with." This realization is making us both realize that Wild Man is definitely becoming his own person.
• Bear is a huge flirt. In fact, C says their best days together are ones in which they get out of the house at least once so that Bear can see and "talk" to other people. It is so fun to watch him interact with other people. And he is incredibly vocal for a 3 1/2 month old.
  
• I'm barely keeping up with my classes, and I'm actually enjoying my professional writing class a lot more than I thought I would. The students are vocal and actually want to talk about the things I'm lecturing on, which makes the classes more enjoyable for me.
• So far, I've applied to three jobs and have one more application due this week. The bulk of my deadlines are next month, so I'm trying to get a jump on that.
• Bear and I are going to a conference next weekend, while Wild Man and C stay home. I get to see two of my closest friends, so I'm excited about that. I am, however, a bit nervous about traveling with Bear on my own. C is also a bit concerned about how Wild Man is going to respond to being without his brother for the first time.
• When I return from my conference, I will be bringing my mom and older brother home with me; we're meeting in the airport and driving back to CU Land together. They'll be staying with us for ten days to help me with the boys, as C leaves a few days later to go on a research trip to Spain. I'm more than a bit annoyed that the best time for him to take this trip is mid-semester, but the prices are so inexpensive right now he had to go. It will be a crazy two weeks for us. Starting with my trip, C and I will be together only two nights out of fifteen. My mom and brother will be with me for most of the time that C is gone, but as my brother couldn't get the entire time off of work, their stay overlaps with Pita's, who is coming to help with the boys at the end of the trip. To make things crazier, C is actually taking his mom with him to Spain (and yes, I've told him he is totally insane), so when he gets home she'll return to CU Land with him.
• I'm not thrilled with this arrangement for a few reasons. First, I'm really excited to see my mom, my brother, and even Pita (whose nickname is less appropriate than it once was, but I don't see the point in changing it). I think they will be really helpful and distract Wild Man from C's lengthy absence. Second, Yetta will only be with us for 2 days. When C booked the trip, he tried to get her to stay longer in CU Land after their trip to Spain so she could spend more time with the boys. She flat out refused saying, "I've never been away from home for more than two weeks. I don't want to be gone any longer than that." Ok, so she's entitled to her feelings, and I respect those feelings. After all I prefer being in my own home, but I'm annoyed by this because she is already saying, "I won't get to see the boys for very long, and since you all aren't coming home at Christmas I don't know when I'll see them again." I don't need the guilt trip she's attempting to lay on us, and I've told her that. C pointed out that she is the one who is retired and that we're going to MLA in December in the hopes that I will actually have job interviews there. She's already tried to invite herself to Philadelphia, and C told her flat out no--or at least not until the conference is over. He and I are currently negotiating this one. Point blank: it's cheaper for her to visit us, and she has more free time.
• To make it worse, we're planning a short trip to see my grandparents in December. They live halfway between CU Land and Homestate, but we won't be making this trip very close to Christmas (b/c of MLA) or going on to Homestate as we did last year. Yetta is likely to invite herself there, which she has done before, and C will, once again, have to uninvite her. She really doesn't make this easy. . . If my mom and dad end up driving up to see us (these are my mom's parents), Yetta will really lose it.
  
• That said, we're trying to figure out when we'll get to Homestate again. C is really eager to make another visit, but it is a hard one to figure out logistically (and financially) right now.
• As I type this, I realize that I'm finally coming into my own as a mother of two. C and I are working really well together these past few weeks, and while we still have tense moments, we're focused on making life as stress-free as possible. I'm proud of us for getting through all the life changing events of the past year.
  

One down, a million things to go

I just submitted my first job application. That takes one thing off of my to do list and leaves a million, explaining my prolonged absence from the blog.