. . . is the title of a compelling article in this week's Newsweek. Gender is something I think about a lot, both professionally and privately. Professionally, my dissertation focuses on the way American women writers of the 19th century approached space, both literally and metaphorically. Implicit in my argument is the idea that men and women approach space differently. I argue (or I will argue) that the differences are largely due to cultural and, thus, learned differences. I firmly believe that most aspects of gender are learned, although I am beginning to think that some are biological.
Privately, I think about gender mainly as it pertains to my son. Although many of my family members disagree with me, I don't believe S's gender is fixed. Sure, he is a boy, and he has a penis. But aside from that, S has no idea what that means. What he learns about gender he will learn from C and me. We've spent a lot of time talking about gender construction and what we want to teach him about gender. After reading this article, I started considering some of our more unconscious decisions. Does he have a lot of "boy" toys, for example? He has a few, and some, like his hammer that lights up, are his favorite. But as I thought about this, I also realized that rather unconsciously, C and I have only bought S toys that are gender-neutral. He has blocks, an activity center, lots of books, a few stuffed animals, and that is about it. He does have a few trucks and some "tools," but all of those things were purchased by relatives and friends. We both play fairly rough with S--he loves to jump and to be tickled. He throws himself at C and tries to wrestle. But I do think we would have treated a girl the same way as we both played this way with our niece. I will admit that we dress S in "boy" clothes. He has lots of blue, and there are not dresses in his closet (although I've thought more than once that dresses must make for easier diaper changes).
I want to raise my child in an environment that is welcoming of all genders--and, as Anne Fausto-Sterling among others suggests, I do think there are more than two genders. I want S to choose his own way and to understand that he doesn't have to do things the way his parents have. I want him to have the freedom to explore his body and his sexuality and his gender. But in all honesty, I am not entirely sure how to accomplish that. And as much as I want him to make his own way, I'm also wary of the real world. What is acceptable in our home won't necessarily be acceptable in the real world. And as progressive and liberal as I like to think myself, I have no idea how I'll react if my little boy announces one day that he wants to be a girl.
7 comments:
I think about Supadiscobaby's gender identity, too--especially as he seems very "boyish," with no coaching (as far as I'm aware) from us. His toys, for the most part, are pretty gender neutral. He does have some sports-themed toys, but we would have given those to a daughter, too. His favorite toys are balls (which he's quite good at throwing) and vehicles (trains, cars, trucks). He has zero interest in stuffed animals or any kind of lovey.
He cuddles a lot, but he also likes to smack me in the face, pull my hair, and bite my shoulder while he's cuddling. But that may have nothing to do with him being a boy--he just has a very rambunctious personality.
One thing is for sure, Supadiscobaby makes it more difficult to buy into the gender-as-construct theory wholeheartedly. Particularly when I watch Supadiscobaby at daycare, where he is the only boy.
Of course, the whole idea that hammers, balls, and cars are for boys and stuffed animals, baby dolls, and kitchen sets are for girls *is* a construct, so...
All the behaviors that you describe are normal for babies of both genders. My daughter liked balls and cars at a very young age and at around age 2 started playing with baby dolls. As a baby, she liked things she could throw and things that made noise. She was also both affectionate and aggressive and she snuggled and hit. We think of these things as gendered, but really most babies do all of those things. But we also reward, even unconsciously, the "proper" gender behavior and kids learn what is expected of them. Self-fulfilling prophesy.
Amen, Sarah.
I'm trying to figure out if there is a way to bypass that "self-fulfilling prophesy," and I am not sure there is.
Really, I don't think there is. We're so much in the system that the best we can do, I think, is try to be aware of it and make our kids aware of it. I read an article by a woman who attempted to raise her kids without gender constructions, and she described how she changed the genders of characters in their storybooks so there were more girls. She gave them long hair. She overlooked the fact that girls having long hair is a social construction of gender. Can't get out of it. Also, we can't raise our kids in a bubble. Other people will treat them according to certain gender expectations even when we try our best not to. Gender is there and there's no way to avoid it--or even a need to. We just need to give our kids the vocabulary to talk about it critically so that the politics of the whole thing are visible. Gender trouble will be there and will challenge our kids in different ways to different degrees, but they are lucky to have parents who are aware and open to helping them make sense of what gender means in their world.
double amen, sarah.
one thing i found interesting recently was a lecture i went to that talked about how biological differences (including brain development) can actually respond to cultural influences. so if we foster gender differences in our kids by rewarding certain behaviors, it trains their brains to develop in a certain way, thus leading to (measurable) biological differences that actually are products of the environment. Also, "gender" in itself can be understood and determined on multiple levels. Not just chromosomal differences (XX or XY) but hormone levels, sexuality, one's perceived identity vs. how others perceive you, etc. And these are only the ones we can readily identify. So the more you think about it, the more fluid gender becomes as a concept.
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