Mothers and Daughters

I am regularly asked if I'm going to "try for a girl."  I hate this question.  I really do.  First, it assumes that I'm unhappy mothering three sons.  Second, it privileges the relationship between a mother and a daughter as somehow more meaningful, more important than the one between a mother and a son.  I typically just laugh and say, "No, three boys is just right for us."  I realize the individuals asking the question don't mean any harm, but really, it isn't so bad being the only woman in a house of four men.

In fact, I'm often glad I don't have a daughter.  I'm often uncertain a mother and a daughter relationship can be healthy.  I mean, I know it can; I have seen lots of examples in my life.  I have friends who have great relationships with their mothers.  I have friends who have great relationships with their daughters.  But in my own family, the relationships are contested at best, particularly the one between my mother and sister. 

You see, my mother and sister don't really talk.  They text, and they attempt to communicate through me.  I talk to my mother about twice a week, and she invariably asks "Have you talked to your sister?  Do you know what's going on with her?"  Sometimes I have talked to my sister, and I occasionally share what I consider to be fairly innocuous details with my mother, primarily to appease her and make my life easier.  Lots of times, though, I haven't spoken to my sister in weeks, sometimes months, and I have nothing to share.  When I do talk to my sister, she says thinks like, "Why does Mom call you and not me?"  Well, I know the answer to this, but I don't share it.  Telling my sister that my mom finds her to be self-centered (she is, but so is my mom) and reticent about discussing her children (we are, after all, at the point in our lives when our mom is more interested in hearing about her grandkids than about us, and that's fine with me, but not so fine with my sister).  My mom calls my sister to check on her, but she also wants to know how Brown-Eyed Boy and Girl are doing.  My sister never discusses them, never.  This upsets my mom, so she has stopped calling, relying instead on weekly text messages. 

My mom isn't much better than my sister at communicating; in fact, she's rather judgmental, particularly about my sister's choices.  Simply put, she can't keep her opinions to herself.  Sure my sister makes poor choices, but as the choices rarely impact her children, I don't think my mom should offer her opinion.  That said, I also don't think my sister should seek out my mom's opinion and then get pissed when my mom offers one my sister doesn't like.  It's complicated, and it's childish. 

In fact, this is the model that most mother-daughter relationships seem to follow.  It's as though strong, independent women revert to adolescent behavior when dealing with their mothers and their daughters.  It's odd and disconcerting.  I realize I have no guarantee my relationship with my sons will be any different, but I'm taking notes, and I'm cautiously optimistic.

My mom

My mom leaves Sunday, and that makes me really sad. My mom has been here for 2 weeks, and she's been great. She's done all the stuff around the house that she could since she's been here so I could focus on Wild Man before Z's arrival and both boys after Z's arrival. She kept Wild Man calm the evening I went into labor, and she's taken Z every morning so I could go back to sleep and C could get Wild Man ready for school. On top of all of that, we had a week together before Z's birth, and we talked about a lot of stuff that has happened in the past few years. I feel like we understand each other a lot better now. I understand a bit more how hard it was for her when she was first diagnosed with bi-polar and she undersands a bit more how hard it was for me to deal with her diagnosis. I really wish she didn't have to go, and she wanted to extend her ticket. Doing so cost more than either one of us could afford right now, unfortunately. She may come back in August, and she'll definitely be here for Wild Man's birthday in October. In addition to giving birth to a wonderful baby, I also feel like I've gotten my mom back.