A Difficult Fall

Part of the reason I stopped blogging was that I was experiencing a difficult fall.  In the past, I likely would have blogged more as a way to sort through all the difficulties.  This past fall a lot was happening, a lot changing.  I actually stopped writing for a while.  There was too much to process.  Writing didn't help, as it usually does, so I stopped.  I turned inward and relied on some good friends to help me sort everything out.  I focused as much as I could on my family and kept moving.  I'd like to say that the difficult things I was experiencing--or more accurately, that my family was experiencing--have passed.  In some ways, they have.  In other ways, we're still sorting through these experiences.  I'm finally in a place in which I feel better prepared to write, in which I feel that writing will help.  That is, primarily, why I'm back. 

I also feel as though my reasons for blogging have changed.  I'm less interested in finding a community than I once was.  I will likely continue to tag my posts as I write them, more out of habit than anything else, but I'm not as concerned with how others will respond to my thoughts.  That begs the question: why blog, as it is, ostensibly, public?  The answer is that blogging is a form of journalling for me, although I recognize it is a public journal.  I could easily just write in a journal, even one I create on my computer, which I occasionally do.  I have returned to blogging because the kind of writing I do here feels different.  I'm not sure I can explain it in more depth than that, and I'm not sure I want to.  The writing, this time, is more out of necessity, out of my need to put things down in a tangible way, as I process my thoughts and experiences. 

A Return, of Sorts

I haven't written here in almost four months.  I haven't felt the need to write for a variety of reasons.  For the last few days I have been thinking about this blog and the space it gave me to journal about certain aspects of my life.  I often still feel the need to journal, but I haven't felt the need to journal publicly for a while.  I started this blog almost eight years ago, when I was pregnant with my first child.  I wanted a space in which I could explore all the changes I was experiencing, and this space was very, very useful for that.  In fact, this space helped to keep me sane during three pregnancies, writing and defending a dissertation, an international move, and many family issues, among other things.  I discovered some good friends through this blog, and I maintained strong connections with others because of this blog.  For the past year or so, blogging started to feel like a chore.  I was blogging out of obligation rather than out of a desire to write or to connect with people.  I didn't want to write out of obligation--I already do quite a lot of writing out of obligation.  I wanted this space to be a positive space, even if I used it to rant occasionally.  This is all to explain why I stopped blogging.

I am going to start blogging again, I think.  I may be changing some things, including the blog's name.  I'm no longer as interested in recording my experiences of being an "academic mother," which is not to say that I won't be using this space to write about those experiences.  I just no longer see that as the primary thing I want to write about here.  For now, I think my posts will be more personal, more about my journey as a parent and as a person.  At least that is how I feel right now. 

Still here, sort of

I'm still here, and I often think about posting.  I just rarely get around to it.  I'm not 100% sure why.  Much of my energy is funneled elsewhere.  I'm currently not doing a lot of my own writing.  I'm wrapped up in grading, in teaching, in doing some service work.  When I get home, I am involved in other things, namely with mothering and trying to find time to have a conversation with Archer.  Life is crazy, but it is for everyone, isn't it?  I'm no longer as certain as I once was what will become of this space.  I don't want to be a blogger who only blogs occasionally.  I find value in writing more than just sporadically.  That said, I now communicate with those I've met through this blog in other ways, so I no longer see this blog as my only way to communicate with those people, a few of whom have become very important to me.  I may be back, and I may not.  I just don't know yet.

Having a dog . . .

is nothing like have a baby.  Nothing.  I'm just saying.

A belated happy birthday

On October 20th, this guy

turned 7.  I am so thankful to be his mother.  Wild Man is kind, thoughtful, and loving.  His generosity of spirit pushes me to be a better mother and a better person.

It's been a crappy week . . .

I'm not prepared to say more than that, but I felt the need to acknowledge publicly that it has been a really crappy seven days.  I'm not optimistic that the next seven will get much better.

Saying no

I've gotten really good at saying no.  I often say no--to my children, to my students, to my colleagues.  You see, I have to say no.  My life is structured in such a way that if I don't say no things don't get done.  I just said no to a colleague, a colleague whom I say no to quite frequently.  This colleague needs me to host a dinner for a visiting speaker as the colleague has a conflict.  S/he can't be two places at once, so s/he asked me if I'd relieve hir of one responsibility.  I said no.  It's an evening event, and given that I teach on Tuesday evening and that I'm guest lecturing for this colleague on Wednesday evening I have no desire to attend another evening event this week.  I just don't.  And I said as much.  My colleague was upset, and I do understand that.  But I can't do it.  More importantly, I don't want to do it.  I do the amount of service required of me, and I do it well.  I'm not up for taking on anything else.  I don't much care if I get the reputation as the person who says no.  I don't much care if people think I use my kids as a reason to not attend evening events.  I've learned the hard way that being nice won't get me very far at CU Land.  And I'm not going to feel bad or feel guilty for saying no.

Sleep

I'm also learning that my new normal means that I operate with about 6 hours of sleep a night.  This is not a good thing, but it is just how things are working out right now.

Finding my groove

I am slowly finding my groove.  I'm slowly figuring out what it means to be a working mother of three.  I'm slowly figuring out what things I can let go of and which things have to be done.  It's been a rough few weeks, but now that we have a schedule, now that I know what to expect from most days, I feel like we're getting through the struggle.  I think we're all figuring out what normal is for us now.  That's kind of a good feeling.