A Difficult Fall

Part of the reason I stopped blogging was that I was experiencing a difficult fall.  In the past, I likely would have blogged more as a way to sort through all the difficulties.  This past fall a lot was happening, a lot changing.  I actually stopped writing for a while.  There was too much to process.  Writing didn't help, as it usually does, so I stopped.  I turned inward and relied on some good friends to help me sort everything out.  I focused as much as I could on my family and kept moving.  I'd like to say that the difficult things I was experiencing--or more accurately, that my family was experiencing--have passed.  In some ways, they have.  In other ways, we're still sorting through these experiences.  I'm finally in a place in which I feel better prepared to write, in which I feel that writing will help.  That is, primarily, why I'm back. 

I also feel as though my reasons for blogging have changed.  I'm less interested in finding a community than I once was.  I will likely continue to tag my posts as I write them, more out of habit than anything else, but I'm not as concerned with how others will respond to my thoughts.  That begs the question: why blog, as it is, ostensibly, public?  The answer is that blogging is a form of journalling for me, although I recognize it is a public journal.  I could easily just write in a journal, even one I create on my computer, which I occasionally do.  I have returned to blogging because the kind of writing I do here feels different.  I'm not sure I can explain it in more depth than that, and I'm not sure I want to.  The writing, this time, is more out of necessity, out of my need to put things down in a tangible way, as I process my thoughts and experiences. 

Productivity

Since dropping George and Bear off at daycare this morning, I've managed to finish a large section of a paper that has been dogging me for almost two months.  This paper is the culmination of a project I started with two colleagues over a year ago.  It has been an exciting process as it has allowed me to work in an area I find intriguing but know almost nothing about.  For that reason--at least I'm blaming it on that--I have really struggled with this essay.  In fact, writing it has been more painful than writing my dissertation.  But now, I'm almost finished.  In fact, I can now see the finish line.  That makes taking George to daycare just a little bit easier.

Too much?

I had a lengthy conversation with a good friend a few nights ago.  K told me she was impressed with how much I've gotten done "academically" since George was born.  She said she was a "drooling idiot" for the first 6 to 8 months following her daughter's birth.  For the record, I want to say that most of the things I've gotten done are fairly easy tasks--some editing, a bit of writing on a collaborative project, some service oriented tasks before my leave officially started.  Mostly I've been mothering.  And most days I'm not sure I do that all too well.  Wild Man and Bear are eating too many applesauce, carrot sticks, and chicken nugget dinners for my taste; I'm drinking way to much coffee (and thanking my lucky stars that the caffeine doesn't seem to affect George); I'm perpetually running late; and some weeks I'm lucky if one of us makes it to the grocery store before 6:00 pm on Sunday evening.  Archer is picking up a lot of slack, but in the midst of all of this, he has renovated our downstairs bathroom (stupid, yes, but necessary as the tile floor was literally breaking apart) and started renovating our basement (also stupid, but also necessary for reasons I'll go into in another post).  In my mind this seems fairly normal, for us at least. We always have too much going on.  K's comment, however, got me thinking about the differences in the American and Canadian system of maternity/paternity/parental leave and how my own experiences have influenced my thinking about "leave."

I never officially got maternity leave when Wild Man was born.  I was a graduate student, so I worked around my teaching schedule (luckily I was team-teaching a course with my dissertation adviser, and she told me to "go away" for a few weeks following Wild Man's  birth).  I was able to keep Wild Man out of childcare until he was about 4 months old, and then I found a daycare that would take him part-time (a relatively unusual thing for Southwest College Town).  Even when he was with me, though, I was typically multi-tasking--reading and writing while I was nursing him or when he was in his activity center.  I managed because I didn't know any better.  I knew what I had to do, and I did it.

With Bear, I didn't qualify for maternity leave benefits as I hadn't accrued enough working hours in Canada.  He was born in the end of June, and I had from then until school started.  I didn't do any work in that time period, but by September, I was teaching 3 classes and on the job market.  It was awful, in many ways much, much worse than what I had experienced with Wild Man.  I was not Bear's primary care giver, and that was frustrating for me.  Luckily, Archer was able to take leave, and he was home with Bear for that semester.  That said, Archer was still submitting grant applications and working on an article.  Our schedule was insane as we struggled to find time to work, but again, we made it work because we had to. 

Now, I'm on leave.  I have been employed with CU long enough that I qualify for both provincial and university benefits (this means that I am receiving 90% of my pay).  Also, I will not teach again until September 2013, even though my leave officially ends the beginning of April.  I am not expected to complete any service or research until then.  But I am doing some research.  By some standards, I'm doing a lot.  I've learned this is atypical, especially for female faculty members.  While none of the faculty members I know who have taken a parental leave have stopped researching altogether, most have slowed down dramatically--as have I.  They do, however, seem to stop participating in all collaborative projects, which I definitely have not stopped doing.  In fact, the biggest project I'm working on now is a collaborative project, and I'm continuing to participate in my writing group, although I'm doing a lot more reading and commenting than new writing.  And I'm doing most of this while caring for George.  Some days I do nothing; some days I'm lucky I make it out of my pajamas.  Other days I focus on stuff around the house.  But at least one day a week I am able to carve out a chunk of time to do something academic.  It makes me feel focused; it makes me feel centered. 

But my Canadian friends think I'm doing too much, while my American friends seem to get why I'm still working a bit.  And on some level I agree that I am doing too much, but I'm not sure how to stop.  I think the American system--a system in which parents must think about returning to work almost immediately after having a baby--has hardwired my brain to think about work.  My sister was back in the office (in a part-time capacity) a month after giving birth to her son; she did this partly out of economic necessity, but also because it was expected of her.  Most of my friends either tried to plan the birth of their children around the semester, or they just managed to finish their teaching responsibilities with a newborn in tow.  Given this past experience, being on leave doesn't mean I stop working altogether--at least not for me.  It means I don't have to teach or do service.  I still have to do some research, while managing everything else in my life.  I don't know if I know how to do it any other way.

Things I want to blog about

My writing time currently comes in snatches--15 minutes here, 20 minutes there.  I often have to accomplish other things during those snatches, like starting dinner or folding laundry, so blogging has taken a back seat to other writing when I can privilege writing over other more mundane, but equally essential tasks.  I have a list of things I want to blog about, but I don't necessarily have the time.  That list includes

• the middle child
• the politics of the bus stop
• bossy girls and passive boys
• my control issues
• clutter
• Christmas
• me-time

At some point in the future (I'm not going to say near because it could be months before I get to any of these posts), I will write these posts, but for now they will continue to ruminate.

Trying

I'm trying to write.  It's not going so well.  That's about all I have to say about that.  Now you see why it isn't going well.

A new workspace

Last week I wrote about trying to work and getting organized in the hope that I'd be able to get some things done while I'm on parental leave in the fall and winter.  I'm still working on my list, but I have, with Archer's help, created a lovely work space for myself.  You see I work on campus.  I cannot work at home.  I'm too tempted to do laundry or mop the floor or put away clothes or cook.  I can think of a million things I need to do at home that distract me from my academic work.  When we moved, I sold my desk because, well, I didn't use it.  When I work at home I use the coffee table or the kitchen table as a work space.  For the next year, that just isn't practical, but neither is sharing a desk with Archer.  Let's just say I prefer to be organized while writing and he needs to room to spread out.

To create a work space, we made a trip to Ikea on Friday.  I wanted to purchase a specific desk, but I found something that was more functional and on sale!  The desk is nothing like I'd normally buy, but it fits exactly in the space we have.  Eventually (as in a few years) we'll have the entire basement refinished with an office space, and I can see this desk working really well in a small office with modern furniture.  In the meantime, I think it will work really, really well for the work I have planned in the next 10 months or so.  In fact, I've been using it all day!

*And yes, that is a Starbucks cup you see in the picture, and yes, it was a caffeinated beverage.  If you feel the need to judge a woman who is currently 38 weeks pregnant, caring for two older children, and not sleeping well, go right ahead.

More Good News!

I just received an email telling me that an essay I submitted was accepted for publication!  This is the essay that I've been working on for, oh, about 3 1/2 years.  It was part of my dissertation, and I edited and revised it.  I sent it out last year.  It was rejected.  I revised it some more, and I sent it to my writing group.  I revised it still more.  I sent it out again.  It was rejected.  I made minor, minor changes, which primarily consisted of editing a few passages and moving some paragraphs.  I then sent it out about 2 weeks after the second rejection.  In the meantime I've been working on other things and trying not to think about it.  This morning I got a lovely email saying, Yes, it has been accepted.  I shouted so loud Archer thought I'd hurt myself and I scared Bear!  I will likely shout again when I see it in print!

Perspective

Bear wakes up insanely early--between 5 and 6 without fail.  And try as we might, we cannot get him to go back to sleep for any extended period of time.  In fact, he seems to be the child who wakes up really early, as he doesn't get fussy until his nap time.  So Archer and I take turns getting up with him.  We've both gotten in the habit of logging in a bit of work while Bear watches a bit of TV (yes, I'm THAT mom, but really, when your kid wakes up at 5:30 every. single. morning. I bet you'd be THAT mom too). 

This morning was my morning to get up with him.  In an attempt to be productive, I've finally sent out the article I finished revising (I've been procrastinating, mainly due to nerves), and I'm also editing a panel proposal I've been working on for about a week or so.  Just as I had sent the article out and was about to allow myself a few minutes of anxiety as I contemplated whether or not the damn thing was good enough for the journal I decided to send it to, Bear calls out, at the top of his lungs, "I need milk, Mama.  I need milk now!"  Someday, when he's old enough to understand, I'll thank him for helping me keep things in perspective.

I'm hanging on

I have lots and lots I want to write about now that my first week as an official "Assistant Professor" is almost over.  For now I will just say, I'm hanging on, barely.

Keeping Tabs

Following Wednesday's post, I've also decided to keep tabs on myself in an attempt to keep myself motivated.  My friend Anastasia often blogs about her writing progress, and she truly seems to get stuff done, even with three children underfoot, as she herself often puts it.  So here is my tally for this week.

Monday: read/took notes on three articles
Tuesday: New Faculty Orientation, day was a wash
Wednesday: wrote 2 1/2 pages, met with my writing group
Thursday: took the day off from work to pack b/c, you know, we're moving next week
Friday: yet to be determined, but I'm hoping to write 2 1/2 more pages and finish a syllabus

I'll update this later today to see if I managed to accomplish my goal.

*By 3:00 I have written a 1 1/2 pages and finished a syllabus.   I have also, unfortunately, spent an inordinate amount of time on hold trying to get some questions answered in anticipation of next week's closing.

New faculty orientation

Yesterday I attended new faculty orientation, which was sort of weird as, well, I've been teaching at CU for three years now.  I enjoyed it though as I got to meet several really cool people, one of whom I think may become a good friend.  I also had the opportunity to get some really excellent research/writing advice.  As of this morning, I have blocked out 6 hours during the work week for my research/writing.  I will not allow myself to schedule meetings of any sort during that time.  I have no idea why I didn't think of that before.

More writing

Well I was on track to finish my essay, but then I asked Archer to read it.  I asked him for two reasons.  First, I value his opinion, and more importantly, he knows the theories I'm using much better than I do.  So he read the first seven pages, in which I set up my argument and address the theoretical framework I'm using and challenging, and he got very, very excited.  It seems my argument is challenging some key theories, and it also seems I'm doing this without even realizing I'm doing this.  How do you ask did I not know I was doing this?  Well, that's easy.  I'm primarily using one critic (a political scientist, as it happens) and one theorist (the great and wonderful Foucault--and yes, that is sarcasm you detect).  I'm mostly saying these two people say X, which is really smart, and now I'm applying what they say to this text, which they've never considered.  But at one point I do say something like, these two people are really smart, but here is where they miss something key and this text proves that they miss it.  Apparently in saying they miss something I'm turning lots of theoretical models upside down.  Now this is good in that it definitely means that I'm adding something to the conversation.  It isn't good as it also means I'm not done with the damn essay. 

Writing and French fries

I'm on track to finish revising an essay today, one that I will then send out to my writing group.  I do, however, think I will need some french fries for lunch to ensure I accomplish this task.  French fries seem like the perfect writing fuel.

My Office

For the past 2 weeks, I have been taking advantage of having my own office.  I have all of my books unpacked and my files are semi-organized.  I've compiled a list of things I need to purchase (for which I will get reimbursed!), and I've been working away.  I've done research on a new project--the first completely new project I've started since completing my dissertation--and spent time revising a dissertation chapter into an article.  While I've been in my own office every weekday for almost just over 2 weeks now, I don't think I really grasped the fact that I was, in fact, in my own space until late last week. 

While doing research on my current project, I read yet another critic who disagreed with the argument I'm making.  In frustration, I logged onto Facebook, hoping one of my academic friends would be online.  Sure enough, I found a friend and messaged her.  We chatted for a few minutes, and she affirmed that my argument makes sense.  She then pointed me to another book to consider as evidence that my argument is valid.  Her suggestion was fabulous, so I grabbed a piece of paper to jot down the reference and the title, thinking, "I'll have to get this off my shelf at home."  Then it occurred to me that I was in my own office--with all of my books unpacked and neatly organized on the floor to ceiling shelves.  I spun my chair around, found the book, grabbed it off the shelf, and found the part my friend was referring to.  I was so thrilled that I was able to do that.  As soon as I ended my chat with my friend, I was able to jot down some notes about this reference, rather than waiting until I got home to do so.  It was wonderful! 

Writing, writing, writing

That is what I will be doing for the rest of the afternoon.

Writing

That is what I've been doing this morning, and it feels very good to know that I can, in fact, still construct a sentence.

I am in . . .

funk.  I'm not sure why.  I had a good meeting with my new department head yesterday (for whom I'll have to think up an pseudonym at some point).  I think I've figured out the essay I've been working on, and I also may have figured out how to revise the essay that was rejected last spring.  But I'm still in a funk.  I'm going to force myself to work my way out of it.  I'll check in later to let you know how it is going.

The dissertation

I've been rereading my dissertation in an attempt to glean something publishable out of it.  I've also been trying to determine how much work I will need to do to publish it as a book.  I came to the conclusion yesterday that my dissertation should never have been written.  Now, I'm not being self-deprecating.  I am not in the midst of an intellectual crisis.  I still stand by my ideas.  I still think the argument is sound.  I do not, however, think that the works I chose to put together should have been considered together.  And you know what, I'm happy to be able to admit that.  If I had it to do over again (which, given that I have to have a book for tenure at CU, I sort of do) I would focus on African American women writers.  Again, I do think the things I said about the white writers I focused on are valid, but I don't think those chapters work in connection to the discussion of African American writers.  I think, and at the time of my defense my committee agreed, that my chapter on African American women writers is the strongest.  I think I'm adding the most to the current critical conversation with my analysis of these writers.  Now I need to add about three more writers to the mix, craft a book prospectus, and get a contract.  While that is much easier said than done, I do feel like this is a much more manageable project than trying to connect four such disparate authors--authors I really struggled to connect when I was writing my dissertation.  So now that I have a clear plan, I feel like this is a project I can wrap my head around.

Working

That's what I've been trying to do since we arrived back in CU Land.  The weather is unusually warm, so I've been working in my office on campus, which is air conditioned, unlike our townhouse (but our new house does have Central AC!).  I'm working on expanding the paper I presented in May, as I received lots of good feedback about my argument.  I've been wading through lots of historical sources and trying to historicize the events I'm talking about.  I'm not a historian, so finding what I need has been harder than I anticipated.  I've spent the better part of the past two days digging for sources on marriage laws during slavery in the U.S.  After three trips to the library, I think I now have the sources I need.  So I will now go back to work.

Paper Update

I have written 3 1/2 pages and have a clear outline for the rest of the paper.  I have to write about 7 pages between now and Wednesday, the day before I leave.  It is completely manageable, so I'm not worried about that.  As an added bonus, I'd forgotten how good it feels to write something and to get the ideas churning again.