Sleep

I'm also learning that my new normal means that I operate with about 6 hours of sleep a night.  This is not a good thing, but it is just how things are working out right now.

A sleepless night

George is teething.  My easy-going baby isn't so easy-going right now.  He has cut four teeth in as many weeks.  Some days and nights he handles it well, others not so well.  Last night was a not-so-well night.  He was restless, which means I was restless. 

In addition to being unable to sleep because of George's restlessness, I was unable to sleep because I read Eli Saslow's article "After Newtown shooting, mourning parents enter into the lonely quiet" yesterday evening.  By the end of the article I was sobbing.  I felt compelled to check on my children, even though I knew each of them were soundly asleep in their beds (until George woke up 30 minutes later, that is). 

I've written about Newtown before, and I think about the families who are still struggling to get through the most horrific of experiences every day.  Last night I dreamed about them, about meeting them, and hearing their stories.  That dream was oddly comforting.  Then I dreamed that Wild Man was one of the 20 children.  I woke up crying, sweating, and almost hyper-ventilating.  Luckily George was stirring so I could focus on getting him back to sleep; without that task I think I would have had a full-blown panic attack, something that hasn't happened to me in years. 

The thing is, I had one sleepless night as a result of a young man who felt compelled to commit an unfathomable act of violence in a place that is meant to be safe, to house the innocent, and to help them grow.  I cannot imagine how the parents and siblings of those 20 sweet children and the families of those 6 amazing teachers sleep at all. . .

Freedom, Sweet, Sweet Freedom

For the first time in I can't even remember how long (since we moved to CU Land at least), Wild Man amiably agreed to permit his father put him to bed. Well, ok, he didn't so much agree as I slipped out of the room right after story time just as C turned the lights out. I did, however, fully anticipate that I'd be back in Wild Man's room within 5 minutes as whenever I do this, I'm usually met by cries of "Mommy, I need my Mommy! No Daddy, Mommy!" But this evening Wild Man apparently cuddled up to C and dozed off within 15 minutes. I'm usually in there for at least half an hour, generally longer. But not tonight! It's 8:15, and I have the whole evening to myself! Too bad I actually have to go grade a paper. . .

Warning: Pity Party Ahead

Well, it is Thursday again, and I'm feeling blah. I honestly don't know what other word to use. That's not true either. I'm feeling tired, frustrated, uninspired, annoyed, lonely, and a whole host of other things. So I'm issuing a fair warning; you're entering the throws of a pity party in which I attempt to be rational.

First, let me say this: I am seriously displeased with my reaction to this move and how my reaction is making my husband feel. I have been (and often continue to be) incredibly selfish. Before we left Southwest College Town I was so focused on my dissertation and on my feelings about the move that I honestly forgot to say "C, how are you doing? I know this is a huge life change for you. What can I do to make it better for you?" And considering all the things he did to make the move easier on me, I feel really terrible about that. We've talked about that a lot, and I've apologized a lot. He seems to understand, but I don't think he's forgiven me. Every time I get upset or I complain about something he says, "I'm sorry you feel that way. I wish I could fix it since it is my fault." He truly thinks I blame him for everything I'm feeling right now, and no matter how much I tell him I'm not upset with him in anyway at all, he doesn't believe me. So I'm seriously working on being a better wife.

Second, for all my whirlwind of emotions, I really, really like CU Land. This is a wonderful city--aside from the very annoying traffic that is largely the cause of poor city planning. There are lots of beautiful parks, 3 great farmer's markets (1 of which is open all year round), and lots of family oriented activities. We've taken Wild Man somewhere different every Saturday to do something he's never done before. And this weekend is no exception: at his request, we're planning to take him on a ride on one of the city buses (yes, I know this seems odd, but every time we go out we see about 50 buses. Wild Man declares "Big bus, Mommy! My turn to ride!" Apparently on the way to school this morning, he told C "Daddy, me ride big bus!"). We're also investigating the possibility of taking him horseback riding since he's recently become obsessed with horses. Where CU Land is lacking, for me, is the opportunity to meet new people. Unlike with our move to Southwest College Town, where I had a core group of good friends within 2 months of arriving there, I already know it will be difficult for me to meet people here. I have met one cool person, but she commutes 3 hours and is only in CU Land 3 days a week. C, on the other hand, has met lots of people in his department and even went out for beers with a few last weekend. Most of the people in his department, however, don't have kids, so although I was included in the invitation, they didn't think to issue the invitation early enough in the week for us to get a babysitter. My solution to this is to be more proactive and to get out of my shell a bit more. Mrs. Nice Guy takes yoga classes every Monday evening, so I'm going to call her this weekend to get the info on that. I'm also going to make more of an effort to get to know Blue & Brown-Eyed Girls' Mom, with whom I've had lots of nice chats with when I run into her when we're both corralling our toddlers outside. I know this part of life will get better too, but it will take effort on my part. Frankly I miss being able to pick up the phone and say "Hey, Supadiscomama, Harrogate, P-duck, L, Sarah, Ms. Reads, and/or any of my other friends in Southwest College Town do you want to go do anything?"

Third, I'm feeling a bit marginalized in my department. Nothing has gone right in terms of me getting set up there. I don't feel like anything has been explained to me in terms of office policy, and therefore, I keep asking the wrong person questions--and namely the wrong person is the lead admin assistant, who frankly, is a bit off-putting and not remotely helpful. For example, I asked this person, who is also new to the department, about passwords and keys. She tersely emailed me back telling me she didn't know that information and told me who to ask. I clearly offended her by asking that questions, but then, I had no idea she wouldn't know the answer. I'm learning some things are cultural--like not returning emails or phone calls right away. In the States, when I make a phone call or send an email, I generally get a response right away, even if the response is only "I received your call/email. I'll get back to you as soon as I can." Here, people don't get back to you until they are able to answer your question, which means I often don't get responses for a week, which I find really annoying. I understand it might take awhile to answer my question, but could you at least let me know that you've received the question?

Fourth, Wild Man is not sleeping well. Rather he's waking up between 3 & 4 times a night and needing help going back to sleep, which means I'm not sleeping well as he wants nothing to do with C in the middle of the night. This has made it virtually impossible to get us all on a morning schedule as I find myself need an extra hour of sleep in the morning to even make it through the day. Every night I set my alarm for 6:30 and tell myself this will be the morning I get up and get dressed and ready before I wake Wild Man and C up at 7:00. And every night as I crawl back into bed at 3:30 (or whatever time) I turn the alarm off because I know I'll be too exhausted to wake up at 6:30. So this morning we all slept until 7:30, and when I finally woke up, I then had to prod C awake (which irritates me to no end!). I then had to rush us all through breakfast and our other morning routines to ensure that Wild Man and C were ready to leave at 8:30 to avoid most of the morning traffic to get Wild Man to school before 9 so he wouldn't miss morning snack (I've decided to work from home on Thursdays). I like the mornings to be calm and quiet. I don't enjoy feeling like a drill sergeant. I also don't enjoy going through the day half-asleep. I feel like I have a newborn again. C and I have talked about this too, and other than letting Wild Man cry it out, neither of us is sure how to get him back to sleeping through the night.

Fifth, none of this is making me want to work on my dissertation, which is the most annoying thing I am experiencing right now. I'm so flipping close to finishing this Phelps chapter, and frankly I need to move on if I'm going to meet my other deadlines and defend on time.

So that's where I am and how I'm feeling right now. Tomorrow will be better I know. Heck, if I can get something done today, today will be better. Ok, I'm going to refill my coffee cup and get to work.

Early Morning

This morning Wild Man woke up at 6:30, and he promptly asked C, who went to check on him, "Hold you, Mommy. Hold you, Daddy." In Wild Man-ese, this means "Father, I'd like to get in bed with you and Mother." Since Wild Man has been waking up between 5:30 and 6:30, we've taken to letting him get in bed with us (another bad habit we'll have to break at some point, but as we've all been through a lot these last few weeks, I happen to think a little family snuggling is in order!). Generally Wild Man snuggles between C and me, by which I mean he takes over the majority of the bed while C and I struggle not to fall off. He then goes back to sleep for at least 45 minutes. This morning, however, he was more interested in whispering secrets to me, so I decided to get up with him, allowing C to sleep in--something he allowed me to do Friday morning.

And you know what, I don't even care that Wild Man woke me up so early. I don't even care that I was up until well after 11:00 helping C put together a desk that had no written directions, only a very complicated diagram. We had to take it apart twice before we finally got it together! I don't care at all. And would anyone like to know why? Because last night, for the first time in our new home, Wild Man did not struggle to go to sleep at all. In fact, he willingly followed our traditional bedtime routine, and he fell asleep by 8:00 precisely. On top of that, he slept straight through the night! I swear I can do anything when I've had 7 hours of uninterrupted sleep. I'll happily wake up with him every morning at 6:30 if he goes to sleep without fuss and sleeps through the night!

Battle of the Wills

As we speak I am involved in a battle of wills with my son. For the past hour and forty minutes he has been refusing to take a nap and I have been trying every method I know to get him to take a nap. Sleep has, once again, become an issue in our house, and frankly, it is making me, once again, feel like a failure as a mother.

Wild Man has been out of school for exactly one week, and every single day in our new home I've fought with him either to take a nap or to go to sleep at night. Yesterday afternoon I was in tears. Monday night he refused to go to sleep until he was so exhausted that he finally fell asleep at 9:30 sitting up in the corner of his crib. Today I started our normal naptime routine at 12:40; the routine was interrupted because he told me he had to poop so I rushed him to the potty (we're giving potty training a shot on top of everything else). After he successfully pooped on his potty, I laid him down on his mat and began to rub his back. It quickly became apparent that he was not going to sleep, and since C was at CU, I was left to deal with it myself. I left him alone in his room for 5 minutes, only to return to find that he had emptied an entire box of wipes. Wild Man generally naps on the floor on a quilt as this has been what has worked for us in the past, but after that, I put him in his crib and let him cry. I then checked on him every 10 minutes. When C got home, about 20 minutes ago, he tried, unsuccessfully, to get Wild Man to calm down and go to sleep. He is still standing up in his crib crying for me, but frankly, I'm spent. I do not know what else to do. I told C that we've been keeping him at home fulltime for a week, and I'm already exhausted. I just want him to take a decent nap so he isn't impossible to deal with in the afternoon. And, frankly, I need a break in the middle of the day to get some work done and to recharge my own batteries. I know he is just testing his boundaries, but I'm at my wit's end. I feel like a failure.

*Wild Man fell asleep shortly after I wrote this, and at C's insistence, I took some time for myself. Granted, I ended up wandering around Home Depot looking at light fixtures and paint, but I still needed some time away. We had a nice dinner, and Wild Man fell asleep with out incident by 8:20. C and I talked about the nap time frustrations, and he thinks part of the problem is that I've been trying to put him down too early. He typically doesn't go to sleep until 1:00 when he is at school, so tomorrow we're backing nap time up 20 minutes and C is putting him to sleep.

Mean Mommy

I occasionally become a different sort of mother, the mother whom C has named "Mean Mommy." (And in our house this is a direct reference to a Sex and the City episode in which Miranda says "All of a sudden I become "Mean Mommy," and nobody likes "Mean Mommy.") "Mean Mommy" makes rare appearances in our household primarily because I don't like to be mean. Last night, however, I was more than willing to be mean. As has become his habit lately, Wild Man woke up at 12:15; his cries woke me up out of a dead sleep. I was in the exact same position I had been when I went to bed about 3 hours earlier (yes, I went to bed a 9:15, and no, this is not altogether unusual for me). Given that Wild Man had gone to bed about 45 minutes later than usual and that he had kept me up the night before, I was not in the mood to be soothing and comforting. I was in the mood to sleep. After it became apparent that he was not going to go back to sleep on his own, I went into his room, helped him find his puppy, and rearranged his blanket for him. He settled right down and in about 3 minutes was asleep. The second I turned to walk out of his room he stirred and sat up; rubbing his eyes, he said "Go play?" All of a sudden I realized that my wily toddler was trying to stay awake. On a different night I may have felt some sense of guilt over the chaos that has ruled our lives as of late and that has clearly had an effect on Wild Man. I may have interpreted this as an attempt to spend more time with me, given we hadn't seen each other much that day because of C's absence and my schedule. I may have been patient and comforting. This realization, however, irritated me to my very core, and I became "Mean Mommy." In my sternest voice I said, "It is not play time; it is sleep time. You go night night now." I then walked out of his room. He, of course, began crying. And you know what, this time I did not care. I was so tired that I just lied down in my own bed and dozed for the next 15 minutes. Yes, that's right I actually let my kid cry for 15 minutes straight, and again I did not care. After 15 minutes I went back into his room, and you know what? He wasn't standing up in his crib like he usually is; he was actually lying down, holding his puppy and his blanket. As soon as he saw me he indicated that he wanted me to hold him so he could rub my hair, something that always comforts him. I again said, in my "Mean Mommy" voice, "It is sleep time; you go night night right now." And for a change, he did just that. Within 5 minutes he was sound asleep in snoring. Within 10 minutes I was asleep myself. I'm beginning to think that "Mean Mommy" may be making more appearances if Wild Man continue to wake up in the middle of the night.

I'm tired, plain and simple

I've been neglecting lots of things lately, my blog included, and the reason is in the title of this post: I'm tired, plain and simple. I'm not just the "I'm a dissertating-mom-of-a-toddler-tired" either. I'm tired physically, emotionally, and intellectually. It seems that the reason for my tiredness can be traced to one reason, the same reason incidentally that is currently the cause of every single source of stress in my life right now: C's job search.

In all honesty, I may as well have gone on the market myself as much time and energy as I've invested in this damn search. I remember thinking this past fall when C was sending out applications how much easier that whole process was when he did it in 2006. He had all the materials drafted this time; he just needed to revise them to address specific job ads. Thus, our fall was relatively stress free. We had lots of family time, and I even managed to find time to work on my dissertation on most Sunday afternoons. The spring, however, has been a different issue. C has been absorbed with conference interviews and on-campus interviews, which, aside from taking him to all end of the country, take an inordinate amount of time to prep for. He has been consumed by all of this stuff to the extent that it is impossible for us to have a conversation that somehow doesn't include a discussion of an upcoming interview. On top of that, we also enjoy stressing ourselves out further and having the conversation that starts "What happens if after all of this C doesn't get an offer?" When he is home, C is trying to keep up with his classes because he is, in fact, still teaching 4 classes this semester and prepping for future interviews. Every school has asked him to do something different, so his prep for every interview is different. Needless to say it has been hard to get a lot of work done, but I am trying my best to get through another chapter.

The thing that is stressing us both out the most is Wild Man's reaction to everything. C and I have been much snippier with each other than usual--we're both tired, we're both frustrated, we're both missing each other. We've had several pointless conversations which go something like "I'm tired, M." "Well, C, I'm tired too." "No, I'm tired." "No, I'm tired." In other words we have pissing contests on a semi-regular basis. Wild Man has picked up on the tension in the house, and he has also started having trouble sleeping again. This one isn't a surprise. My kid is not a good sleeper, but in the past few months we've had major break throughs. Despite the fact that he consistently wakes up between 6 & 6:30, he generally sleeps through the night. If he does wake up, he does so because he has misplaced his puppy, his favorite stuffed animal that he has taken to sleeping with. Once one of us gives him puppy, he goes right back to sleep. For the past 3 weeks, however, he has had what I can only describe as insomnia. At least twice a week, he wakes up around 11 and is awake for several hours, sometimes 1 but more often 2 or 3. Last night he was up from 11 until 1 and then from 3 until 4. He isn't fussy either; in fact, he only cries when he is alone. As long as one of us is in his room with him he is content to lie in his crib and hold our hands. Sleeping on the floor next to Wild Man's crib isn't the ideal place to get a restful night's sleep, however. We're both hoping that he will begin sleeping through the night again as soon as we able to get back to our regular schedule. Unfortunately there are three more weeks of travel ahead of us: 1 trip for me and 2 for C. It looks like I will continue to be tired for a while.

Sleeping on the floor

Wild Man continues to experience some separation anxiety in the middle of the night, but we're dealing with it. No one in our family is sleep deprived, but it is rare that any one sleeps straight through the night without waking up at all. We can't figure the latest problem out, as Wild Man is making progress in other areas with sleep. He takes all of his naps in his crib now, which is a huge accomplishment for him and for us. In fact he is sound asleep in his crib at this very moment. He does, however, routinely wake up at 1:00 hysterically crying. C goes in there (we've decided recently that he will take the middle of the night wake ups, and I'll handle the early morning ones since I can't seem to sleep past 7:00 anyway). He leans over the crib and hugs Wild Man, who almost immediately lies himself back down and pulls at his blanket. C rubs his back for a few minutes, and Wild Man is generally asleep in about 5 minutes. C, however, cannot leave the room. Every time he gets close to the door, Wild Man wakes up and cries. As soon as C steps away from the room, Wild Man calms down and goes back to sleep. Generally C has to stay in there until Wild Man is sound asleep, about 30 minutes. So C has taken to lying down on the floor to wait him out. Now, my husband can sleep anywhere at anytime. I really wish Wild Man had taken after him in the sleep department, but unfortunately, he seems to have taken after his light-sleeping mommy. C inevitably falls asleep on the floor of Wild Man's room, so I've gotten into the habit of trying to stay awake so I can go in and get C. I mean, I really don't want my husband to sleep on the floor all night. Plus, I don't want Wild Man to think he has to have his father sleep on his bedroom floor every night. Last night, however, I was exhausted from grading and writing all week, and I'm battling a cold. As soon as C left our room to help Wild Man back to sleep, I feel back asleep myself. And I didn't wake up until I heard C returning to our bed at 7:00 this morning. Yes, that's right, not only did I sleep for 6 hours straight (I can't remember the last time that happened), but C slept 6 hours straight on the floor of Wild Man's room. When that sunk in, I was torn between laughing and apologizing. I feel bad, but I feel so much better after that great night's sleep!

Sleep, Blissful Sleep

Sleep has continued to be an issue with Wild Man. For some reason he doesn't seem to want to be alone. He will sleep soundly from about 7:30 until 2 or so, and then he wakes up in a complete panic. He goes back to sleep fairly easily, but as soon as either C or I leave his room (I have stopped nursing him in the middle of the night unless he is sick) he wakes up and cries. Sunday night I sat on the floor of his bedroom floor for 45 minutes before he was sound asleep. Needless to say I was tired yesterday.

Last night, however, Wild Man slept from 7:45 until 7:20 this morning. I went to bed around 9:30, full anticipating that I would be woken up at some point. I woke up at 3 and thought, "That's odd; he hasn't woken up yet." I then promptly went back to sleep until almost 7, and then I was in a bit of a panic. I mean, seriously, this is way unusual behavior for my kid. Convinced something had happened to him, I tiptoed into his room and saw his sleeping soundly, on his tummy with his butt up in air tightly clutching a blanket my mom made for him. Since I was awake, I decided to take advantage of the quiet and have some "me time." I made a pot of coffee, fed the cats, and finished reading a book. By the time I was done with my coffee, I heard Wild Man talking to himself on the monitor. I walked into his room, and he was still lying on his tummy. He saw me and said "Hi, Mama!" It doesn't get much better than that does it? Immediately after he insisted on greeting C with a "Hi, hi, hi, hi Dada!"

Deadlines

I just wanted to let the blogging world know I am still alive. I've been frantically working all week in an attempt to meet a self-imposed dissertation deadline. I haven't quite met it, but I'm close. I have a meeting with my director on Monday, and I want to send her a substantial portion of my Wharton chapter. Of course, with this deadline looming, Wild Man decided to have several meaningful conversations about life at 1:00 in the morning this week. He is moving classrooms at school, and while he loves the new room, he is a little stressed out by the changes, which has led to some sleeping difficulties. I'm proud that I've been able to get as much work as I have on so little sleep!

Relief

I'm currently experiencing a strange sense of relief. Tonight for the first time in 11 months, Wild Man went to sleep without nursing and with what C described as a minimum of fuss. Tonight, for the first time in 11 months, I was out of the house past 7:30. I wasn't home to put Wild Man to sleep. I have been dreading today for weeks, ever since I found out there was a lecture that I really needed to attend tonight. Not only was it in one of my areas of interest, but one of my committee members organized it and specifically asked me to attend to meet the speaker. I couldn't--and didn't want to--say no. Knowing how worried I was about being away from home at bedtime, C volunteered to give up his weekly softball night so we didn't have to arrange for a babysitter (although Academama very kindly offered to watch Wild Man for us!).

When I left this evening, Wild Man was in the bathtub, and I essentially snuck out so he wouldn't miss me too much. I was a bit upset, but I needed to do this--as much for him as for me. He needs to know how to go to sleep without me. I called C as soon as I left the lecture, and for some reason, my cell phone was fading in and out. All I was able to determine from the phone call was that Wild Man was not upset but he also was not quite asleep. When I got home 15 minutes later, I found C in the kitchen unthawing breastmilk for Wild Man's bottles. Wild Man fell asleep sitting in C's lap about 5 minutes after I called, and C was able to transfer him to his crib without a problem. He did, indeed, fuss a bit earlier in the evening, and he drank all the milk I pumped earlier today. But he didn't scream himself to sleep, he didn't cry for me, and he wasn't traumatized. He's been asleep for over 2 hours now, which indicates that he'll be down for a while if not the whole night. I'm a little sad that I didn't see him right before he went to sleep, but mainly I'm relieved. This allows me a lot more freedom than I've experienced since Wild Man was born.