I don't know what to write

*Warning: As I wrote this post, I seriously contemplated deleting it because I know I sound like a whiny little bitch in this post.  I don't enjoy sounding like a whiny little bitch, but I'm trying to process all of this so that I feel and sound less like a whiny little bitch.

I have a lot of stuff swirling around in my brain, but I'm not sure what to write about.  A lot of the things I'm thinking are angry, irrational, and just down right ugly.  I've been thinking a lot about my previous post, and I want to say something really deep and profound about my feelings regarding Archer's current and potential professional success.  But I'm neither thinking nor feeling something deep or profound.  I have figured out why I'm bothered by this particular visit and the comments made by Dr. Bigwig and his partner (who is also an emerging scholar in the field of underwater basket weaving).

Both apparently questioned Archer about the job market and the possibility that he could leave CU.  Now, CU is a Research 1 institution.  Archer has access to a fair amount of research money (in fact, he's been awarded three internal research grants in the 2 years we've been here).  He is expected to do research, and he is getting a lot done.  His work is important for lots of reasons, but primarily because his read of a particular underwater basket is changing how all underwater baskets are viewed in the Gulf of Mexico during the Early Modern Period.  Given his work, I totally get why he wants to stay at CU.  Hell, I'd like to stay at CU.  I've been working on some projects of my own that would be much easier for me to accomplish if I were t-t at CU.  But here's the thing.  I'm not t-t.  I have no access to research money.  In fact, aside from getting reimbursed for professional memberships, I don't get anything in the way of support.  But I digress.

When Dr. Bigwig and his partner (sorry, I know this person deserves a pseudonym, but I'm all tapped out right now) questioned Archer about where he'd accept a position, he gave his standard response: "We'll go where M and I are both able to secure t-t positions." They apparently made some comments like, "Well, you're doing such important work.  We hope you won't consider a position at a place that won't allow you to keep up with your research."  So they don't want him to take a job at a school that is primarily focused on teaching.  I get that; I really do.  And before I type the next sentence, I also get that they don't know me.  They don't know anything about my work or what I do.  But as Archer relayed this whole story, I just got more and more pissed off because I was thinking, as I wrote in my last post, "But what about me?"

I'm so tired of hearing: "Archer is so great.  He's so smart.  He needs to be at an R1.  You can't leave CU, M.  It wouldn't be fair to him."  (OK, so no one has ever said the last two sentences, but I feel like that is heavily implied.  Or perhaps I'm extremely paranoid and am inferring it.)  Every time Archer goes to a conference or a faculty meeting, this is the message he comes back with.  It pisses me off.  It pisses me off because I feel like these people, who don't know me, who don't know anything about our marriage, and who don't know anything about my abilities, are thinking, "Wow, she is really selfish for asking him to move away from such a great gig.  She has a job, and while it isn't t-t, it is a good job.  She makes more money than she would in the States.  Given all his success, it makes more sense for them just to stay at CU, even if she isn't ever offered a t-t position.  His work is so important that they need to focus on him.  They don't even know if she's publishable."  And why does it bother me so much that these people I don't even know may or may not be thinking these things?  Well, apparently, here's where blogging leads to an epiphany: because that is what I think about myself. 

As I type this long, rambling post, I realize that I have no idea what my career would be like.  Yes, I have my doctorate.  Yes, I know I'm an excellent teacher, and I am a pretty good writer.  But no one has shown the interest in my work that people have shown in Archer's.  Maybe it would be better if I just reconciled myself to reaching part time so that Archer can focus on his work and secure tenure.  Maybe that is what makes the most sense for our family.

But I know that isn't what makes the most sense for me.