More on the short of it

As I wrote yesterday, I had several meetings in an attempt to figure out how to proceed.  I met with Dr. Writing and Dr. Rhetoric, and I had a phone conversation with the dean.  Drs. Writing and Rhetoric were, as always, wonderful and supportive.  They helped me work through the decisions I have to make.  They also listened to me vent the process.  They outlined their vision for me, which more or less matches my own vision, and reassured me that they see me as a valuable member of the program, something they have already told me and, more importantly, demonstrated. 

I then spoke with the dean, who (as much as a dean can) expressed frustration with the situation and apologized.  As much as I've been able to determine, the dean isn't the problem.   In fact, the dean has been among my most vocal supporters, primarily from an institutional standpoint more than a personal one, but frankly, that's what I expect from a dean.  I will say that the dean sees me as key to several projects within the faculty, and the dean further sees both joint appointments and partner-placements as key to building a healthy, collegial community in the faculty.  I see those things as valuable too.  I like that I am a trailblazer to some extent; I do not, however, want to be a sacrificial lamb, and I said that to the dean.  We discussed the options available to me, and the dean is not ready to give up on the track we've been headed down since October.  I stated very emphatically that in an ideal world the current track is also my preference; however, I do not think it is likely to work out given the personalities involved, and I am no longer certain I can receive a fair assessment from several key players involved.  I reiterated that I do not want to be a sacrificial lamb.  I also stated I am not willing to renew my contract as it currently stands to "try" this whole process again next year.  Without using the word grievance, I made it as clear as I could that I've been advised that I have grounds for a grievance; to avoid taking that route, I want this matter resolved as soon as possible.  The dean was positive and supportive (have I mentioned I really like this individual?  I appreciate the forthrightness, again as much as a dean can be forthright, and the pragmatism this individual demonstrates).  We ended the conversation with the dean assuring me that I would know something definite by this afternoon.  We're scheduled to meet Monday morning, so I have some time to deal with whatever that decision is and make my own decisions.

As for how I'm feeling, I've moved on from being hurt to being pissed.  I realize that much of what is going on is political and most of it has little to do with me.  I am, unfortunately, simply the person who is seeking a partner placement, something for which I am more than qualified .  I am not asking for a t-t position to be handed to me.  Quite the contrary.  I've willingly and, dare I say, happily submitted all the same materials I submitted for any other job search.  I've been preparing a talk for weeks (Archer has read the damn thing twice, and my research group has read it once).  I expect to be evaluated, but I also expect that I'll be given a fair chance.  I have been working under the assumption that once everyone saw my C.V., job letter, writing sample, letters of recommendation, and teaching philosophy they would see what I bring to the table.  I then assumed hearing my job talk would help them see that I do something that is worthwhile, something that no one else at CU does.  I have not been naive, but I have assumed that people would be fair.  That's where I was wrong. 

I'll know something by 1:00 today.  And at this point, I have no idea what I want the outcome to be.