A few months ago I wrote the following sentence: " I don't feel as though people question my abilities as an academic
because I'm a mother, or at least I don't feel as though most of my
colleagues do." It was part of a post titled Academic Mothering.
I'm beginning to change the opinion I expressed in the above sentence. Now that I'm back in my office and attending meetings and doing academic work where people can see me doing it, I'm hearing, "Wow, you're back! You're working! How are you doing that with three kids?" I'm also hearing, "Oh, I didn't know you were back yet. I don't know how you do it. I can't even keep up with myself and my research. Three kids! Wow."
Maybe I'm starting to read too much into these comments, but here's the thing, comments like these bother me. Perhaps they are meant to be complimentary. I try to take them that way. But, Archer never hears comments like these. Never. In fact, when he tells people he meets at CU that he has three children, he is routinely asked if his wife stays home. The moment they learn I too am an academic who works at CU they typically say something like, "Wow! How does she make that happen?" Apparently I'm not supposed to be an academic and have three children.
*I would like to say that no one in my department has made any of these comments, but lots of people in my faculty have.
4 comments:
This sounds so frustrating... :(
How was Bear's day?
L, the comments aren't coming from people in my department, so I don't hear them every day. But I get them often enough that they are annoying.
And Bear did well. He told me, "I had a great day, Mama!"
I read this yesterday and thought about it all day, as mom and I talked about how women in our lives are about having children. Most people we know give up life after kids. Hobbies, activities, etc., if it's not kid related, the women stop doing it. My mom was never like that when I was younger and she wondered why she was so unusual. Some of my friends are the same way--and this seems to increase with the more children they have. So my friend with 3 kids? No job, no hobbies, she won't even plant a garden this year. She's bought into the bull of "how can I do this when I have 3 kids?" Visiting her was depressing because it was all about everything she gave up in becoming a mom. Women are not supposed to be ANYTHING and have three children. Hell, we're only having one and people are asking if I'll be staying home.
What I don't think helps is the rhetoric of how we're supposed to give up everything because that's what being a mom is all about. It's one reason why I'm no longer blogging. I've gotten a lot of comments about how my life will change, how I can't do what I want to, etc. All that I need to give up (but my husband doesn't have to give up anything?!) Then I see people like you that make it work and I figure, no, it's about choice.
Sorry, my comment is an incomplete thought. This topic and ones related to it have been on my mind since I visited my friend who has 3 kids in May.
You know, I had Wild Man when I was a grad student. It wasn't possible to stop being me, as it were. I was pregnant or breastfeeding for literally every significant event in my doctoral work--comp exams I was carrying Wild Man; submitting my dissertation proposal I was weeks way from delivering Wild Man; writing, defending, and filing my dissertation I was carrying Bear; graduation I was nursing Bear; going on the job market I was nursing Bear (in fact, I weaned him in anticipation of on campus interviews); and interviewing for the job fiasco at CU I was pregnant with George.
For my perspective, I can't imagine giving up those parts of myself to be a mom. Being a mom and an academic, and well, being me, are so interconnected for me, and for many women I know. I think having my own life makes me a better mom.
And tell your friend with the three kids to get out there and make her garden with her kids. I did that this year. Archer got the garden plot ready; Wild Man and Bear helped pick out seeds; and I planted it with them while George played in his activity center. The older boys help take care of it, and they also, eventually, help wash and cook the vegetables. It's not impossible, and it is really worth the effort.
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