One year ago . . .

today I received a phone call from my cousin.  JL called to say that our grandmother had passed out in her bedroom.  The paramedics were unable to revive her, so they put her on life support (which is standard procedure in an emergency, but not something my grandmother would have wanted done).  As a result of being deprived of oxygen, she was declared brain dead sometime the next day.  My aunts, my uncle, and my mother then debated when to take her off of life support, a decision my grandfather wanted no part of and one that was legally my youngest aunt's to make, as she had medical power of attorney for my grandmother.  They finally agreed to give everyone a chance to get to Gram, and two nights after she first passed out, my grandmother was taken off of life support.  She died five hours later, never regaining consciousness. 

My grandmother was a difficult lady.  She was determined, proud, intelligent, confident, and honest.  She didn't mince words, especially not with her daughters or her granddaughters.  She openly questioned my desire to get my doctorate, telling me right after Archer got his, "Why do you need to continue with your studies?  He has a degree.  You don't need one too."  But, as I learned at her funeral, she was also incredibly proud of "her girls," as she apparently referred to me, my sister, and our two female cousins.  Over and over again, people we had not seen in years came up to each of us and told us how much she talked about us.  My sister, for example, had no idea how brave my grandmother thought she was to end her marriage to her first husband and to parent her two children alone.  My cousin, who dropped out of college and worked her way up through retail management to run her own store, had no idea that my grandmother admired the way she stood up to her parents when she refused to go back to college.  I had no clue that my grandmother was proud of all that I'd accomplished or that she'd told people, "My M, she's smarter than I'll ever be."  I know we all wish we had known some of this while she was still alive, but that was Gram.  You didn't know something until she was ready to tell you.

My grandmother

My grandmother died on Monday morning.  She was 85 and had not been in the best of health; however, her death came as a bit of a shock.  On Friday evening, my aunt and uncle, with whom my grandparents live, took them out to dinner, at my grandmother's request.  When the returned home, my grandmother, who suffered from senility, complained of a headache and went to her room to change into her pajamas.  She passed out, and Aunt F went to her while my uncle called the paramedics.  They then called my other aunt, who is a cardiac care nurse, and she instructed Aunt F on how to administer CPR.  When the paramedics arrived, they had to intubate Gram, even though that is not something she would have wanted.  By late Saturday afternoon, it was apparent that Gram had suffered severe brain damage, likely due to being deprived of oxygen.  Ironically, her heart never stopped beating. 

Archer, the boys, and I left for the States on Sunday around 10:00 am.  By 8:30 Sunday night, I was sitting with my Gram, as I called her, holding her hand.  It was clear to me, however, that my Gram was not present, something my youngest aunt, Aunt S, wholeheartedly agreed with.  She had already discussed turning off Gram's ventilator with her siblings, including my mom, and they had all agreed, with deep reservations.  My mom arrived later that evening, around 10, and at mine and Aunt S's urging, my Gram was taken off the ventilator around 11:15 Sunday night, and she died at 5:50 Monday morning.  She was a great lady, who did not hesitate to tell you what she thought.  In fact, she strongly disapproved of many of my life choices, arguing that I didn't need to pursue my doctorate and that I needed to stay home with Wild Man and Bear.  As long as Archer had a good job, she argued there was no need for me to work, and certainly no need for me to be so educated, as she put it.  While she never hesitated to tell me these things, she also ended every conversation we had by saying, "I love you so much, M."  I know my Gram didn't approve of all my choices, but I never doubted how much she loved me and my boys.