Memories

My parents are fairly young, in their early sixties.  My mother, aside from having bi-polar II, is in fairly good health.  My father is in good health as well, but he has some physical problems that require he use a leg brace, a back brace, and a walker.  Getting around is not easy for my dad.  He uses a shower chair, an elevated toilet seat, and other aids that make life easier for him, at least in their house.  His ability to get around is so limited that he rarely leaves the house.  My parents go to dinner once a week, and they run errands--to the grocery store (where he uses a motorized cart), the drug store, and places like that.  He often goes days without leaving the house, and travel is virtually impossible (well, it isn't, actually, but as he prefers not to use his insurance to get items that would make travel infinitely easier, travel is hard).  That said, my dad's mind is fully functioning.  He reads a lot (although stuff I think is terrible!), he watches the news constantly, and he plays several computer games meant to keep his mind active.  His memory is great, and he keeps track of all his appointments as well as my mom's without a problem.  My mom, on the other hand, forgets a lot.  She claims this is due to her meds, and I think she is right, at least partly.  Lately though, it has become very apparent that she is forgetting a lot, things that I think she should remember, like my sons' ages and their grades, the ages of her other grandchildren, that her father died.  I've tried to talk to my father about my mother's memory loss, but he brushes me off, assuring me she's fine.  I don't think she is though.  I will see her later this month, and I will be observing very closely the sorts of things she forgets.  I'm not sure what I will say or do, but I will be paying very close attention

*I started this post weeks ago, and I just finished it. I have since seen my mother, and my concerns were founded.  I've arranged an appointment for her with her doctor and have scheduled a conference call with her doctor.

The Good and the Bad

Yetta and Pita are now home; they left on Saturday morning, so Archer, the boys, and I have had some time to settle back into our routine.  Their visit, most of which Archer and I were out of town for, went well, mostly.  I particularly enjoyed my time with Yetta, which is not always something I can say.  She and I, however, had several really long conversations.  She was incredibly supportive after the interview debacle, which was surprising.  She only asked once about the possibility of returning to the States.  For the most part, she was in a good mood, which meant I didn't need to be on edge, so we had a great visit.  I think it also helps that she's been battling a health problem that, while difficult to adapt to, has actually left her in better health. 

She has Meniere's disease, which is an disease of the inner ear.  One of the only ways to treat it without taking medication constantly is to cut sodium out of one's diet.  Doing this means she has had to change her diet drastically, which has led to some fairly dramatic weight loss.  In the past 6 months, Yetta has lost about 60 pounds, and because she can't eat fast food, has to watch what she eats when she goes out, and is determined not to suffer the effects of the disease, she has kept the weight off without a problem.  This means she gets around easier, feels better, and has more energy.  Those things mean she is a happier person. She also appreciated that Archer and I have made some changes to our diet so that it isn't much work for us to accommodate her when she comes for visit.  I've always cooked with very little salt, but I've started buying as many low-sodium or sodium free products as possible.  I also made sure she had lots of low-sodium or no-sodium things she could eat while we were gone.  She was surprised, and she said more than once how much that meant to her.  Hey, she came 1,000 miles to take care of my children; I figured that was the least I could do.

As for Pita, well, she was Pita.  Mostly she was great.  She loves the boys, and she devoted most of her attention to them, which is what I wanted and expected her to do.  She does lots of little things that grate on my nerves that I have to consciously overlook.  She never washes a dish.  NEVER.  She doesn't even take her own dish to the sink after a meal--Wild Man is 5, and he does this 85% of the time without being asked.  She doesn't push her chair under the table.  She is a large woman with a large personality, so she takes up a lot of space, both literally and figuratively.  Figuratively, she's like a big kid herself, so both Archer, Yetta, and I were constantly reminding her of the boys' schedule and to stop having tickle-fests 20 minutes before bed.  Literally, she weighs 400+ pounds.  This became an issue when she was in the kitchen while anyone was cooking.  My kitchen is not large; in fact, Archer and I struggle to cook in it together.  At some point we'll be able to redesign it, but that point is not anytime in the near future.  The size of my kitchen coupled with her size meant that I had to ask her to move several times just so I could get to the stove or the refrigerator.  She got annoyed because I asked her to move, and I got annoyed because she was in the way. 

From a different perspective, her size frustrates me because she is not in good health.  As I've said, my children love her.  I'd like her to be around for them.  I'm not sure how much longer she will be around given her myriad of health issues.  It seems that while Yetta has lost weight, Pita has gained, and there is nothing that I, who normally weighs under 110, can say to her. 

Pita has certain expectations that both Archer and I think are unreasonable, and she doesn't hesitate to make it known when her feelings have been hurt over something that really doesn't have anything to do with her.  One evening the subject of guardianship came up in a round about way (Yetta mentioned she was very nervous knowing Archer and I were on the same flight in case something happened to both of us, and we assured her that everything was taken care of financially for the boys), and Pita, who knows she has not been named as the boys' guardian, got very upset.  She actually left the dinner table and refused to speak to anyone for the remainder of the evening, including Bear and Wild Man.  So, as usual, the visit with Pita did present its own challenges.

Yetta will be back sometime in August, following the birth of #3, and I have no idea when Pita will be here.  Yetta is not fond of traveling by herself, so it is possible she would try to arrange the visit so she and Pita could travel together.  I've asked Archer to encourage her to come on her own.  It's just easier for everyone involved.

The visit

Today is our last day in Home State.  We had back to CU Land early tomorrow morning.  The visit has gone well, although there have been moments of tension.  As I type this, I can hear Bear laughing as he chases Yetta's dog and Wild Man and Pita playing cards together.  Last night, Archer and I met my best friend from high school and her husband for dinner, while Pita and Yetta took care of the boys.  We stayed out till 11:30, lingering over drinks (club soda with lime for me), dinner,and dessert.  Later today, Yetta is taking me to get a massage, and this evening my parents and brother are coming over for dinner.  I'll chalk this one up as a good visit.

Home State

Archer, the boys, and I are coming to the end of our visit to Home State, and while I do have lots to write, I don't have much time. I will say it has been a good visit, mostly.  I'm still processing somethings, but in the meantime,  I thought I'd share a few pictures. 

Bear playing at Yetta's, wearing his 

Spiderman hat and shark rain boots

Wild Man enjoying one of the many great 

fountains in our home city

A giant tortoise at the serpentarium

Wild Man holding the baby 

alligator at the serpentarium

Bear enjoying the beach

A good visit

We are midway through Yetta's visit, and I am so pleased to write that it is going well.  She seemed really pleased with the plans we'd made and how we'd arranged things.  Yesterday we kept Bear and Wild Man home from daycare, although we did send Wild Man to kindergarten in the afternoon.  We're planning to do the same for Monday.  She's gotten outside with both boys a lot, even pushing Bear on his ride-on truck.  She and Wild Man have done several craft projects, and she has read to both boys a lot.  In fact, I think this is the most involved she's been during a visit since we left Southwest College Town.  It certainly helps that Pita isn't here (Pita is like an adult-sized 8 year old, and frankly, it's hard to compete with her for the boys' attention).  It also helps that Bear has come out of his shell.  He no longer clings exclusively to me or Archer.  He is much more comfortable with new people, and he has spent the last two afternoons bringing Yetta various toys and telling her all about them.  Yesterday was her birthday, so Wild Man and I made her baked french toast for breakfast.  I took her shopping at one of her favorite stores and bought her a scarf that she picked out.  For dinner we took her to our favorite pizza place.  She told us repeatedly that she was having a wonderful birthday, and I think she meant it.  She has been very relaxed about food, staying out of the kitchen almost completely.  I have to say it has been a lovely, relaxed visit. 

Pita has, however, been making some drama long distance, but you know, I'm having such a nice time with Yetta that I'm going to focus on that.

Seriously, you call that a visit?

Yetta and Pita (who is recovering very well) arrive for a visit late Monday afternoon.  They are bringing two of their friends with them, as they are doing quite a lot of sight-seeing along the way.  I was under the impression that they would be in CU Land for the entire week, taking day trips while Bear and Wild Man are in school and Archer and I are working and spending the afternoons and evenings with us (or with the boys).  They are, in fact, leaving bright and early Thursday morning.  I don't know if I can effectively express why, but I'm really annoyed.  Here are a few reasons.

• For the last few weeks Pita has been telling Wild Man very excitedly about this visit, and he is, thus, excited.  Right now it seems like she and Yetta will be spending 3 evenings with him, probably around 12 hours.  He is going to be really upset when he begins to understand how short their visit is.
• Yetta isn't even staying with us.  She is staying at a hotel with the travel friends.  While this makes life easier on us in a lot of ways, it further limits the time she has with the boys.
• Yetta has already made several comments about how she never sees the boys and how she is so excited to see them, but that she hates that it will be such a short visit.

Clearly, seeing the boys is not the primary purpose of this visit, which is fine.  They are entitled to take trips that are not associated with visiting us.  But don't get my children all excited about a trip in which you won't be spending much time with them.  Don't complain that you don't know Bear at all and then plan a trip to see him which will not enable you to develop that relationship further.  Oh, and don't plan a trip for the school/work week and then get annoyed that Archer and I will be working and Wild Man will be in school.  I'm trying really hard to focus on all the positive things (yes, including the fact that my teaching schedule means I won't have to spend much time with them), but this isn't going to be an easy trip for Wild Man, who loves Pita and Yetta dearly.  He is going to be upset when he learns that Yetta isn't staying at our house.  It is going to be equally difficult on Bear, who has a hard time adjusting to strangers.  He will not want to go to them, and they will not be here long enough for him to get used to him.  Archer and I will also be regaled with comments like, "Well, why doesn't Bear like me?  I don't understand it.  Wild Man would come right to me at this age." 

I can't believe I'm writing this, but I really wish they were staying longer.  Yes, that would be more stressful on me, but it would be so much better for Wild Man and Bear.