Audience(s)

I've been thinking a lot about audiences lately, particularly the audience for my blog. I've been rereading past posts and thinking a lot about blogging and my audience. I began this blog ostensibly as a way to work out ideas about my dissertation, and it quickly became more of a journal about my adventures in new motherhood. Occasionally my blog has touched on political issues, and I have continued to blog about my work. But more often than not, I have written about my concerns, anxieties, and triumphs as a new mom. That said, I've been thinking a lot about audience lately.

In all honesty, I don't pay that much attention to how many people look at my blog, although I do try to read most of the comments and reply to them when I feel called to do so. If I was concerned about a large audience, I might experience a similar bloggy depression to the one Lilian at Mama(e) in Translation describes. Like Lilian, I enjoy the feedback, but I still think of this blog as mour of a journal--I don't always know if I want people to respond--or even to read--what I write. Several close friends read my blog on a fairly regular basis, and that make for other audience issues. Unlike my more traditional journals (which I've kept off and on for over 20 years, more off than on lately!), I'm very aware of audience when I blog. Sometimes that is a good thing, like when I write about a political issue that has moved or upset me; in that case I am writing to make my readers (that seems like such a weird thing to say) aware of something that is important to me and that I think may interest them. Sometimes when I want to write about something personal, having an audience, particularly an audience of people I see on a fairly regular basis, isn't a good thing.

From the beginning I've been fairly ambivalent about blogging. I like it and I don't like it; it has its positives and its negatives. But I keep doing it, and I'm not quite sure why. It is an avenue for me to "talk" about things that I don't normally get the opportunity to talk about, and I like that I've met other women who are at a similar place in their lives as I am. But sometimes it is darn annoying to have to think about who will read my blog before I write. That statement begs the question: why don't I blog completely anonymously? For the most part, I am anonymous; if you don't know me, it would be difficult for you to figure out who I am. But, as I said, several good friends know I blog and read my blog with some regularity--at my invitation, I have to admit.

So what is my point? I'm not altogether certain. I'm learning (or perhaps I'm relearning) that it is ok to be ambivalent about something that I generally enjoy doing. I'm also realizing that as much as I claim I would continue to blog if no one read my blog I am not so sure I would. Having an audience makes "journalling" more difficult, but it also makes it more rewarding.