I'm experiencing Dissertation Frustration. Last night, after a great weekend (S & I threw C a surprise graduation party, and we truly surprised him), I had a long cry. I've been struggling with some feelings the past few weeks, and last night was the first night I let myself talk about them. Here's the issue: I'm not getting as much done as I'd like to be getting done. I have a million reasons why not: I taught a summer course; I haven't read enough and don't feel ready to write; we moved; and I could go on I'm sure. But I'm having doubts, not about my ability to complete the dissertation and to get a tenure-track job, but about my desire to do so. Every week day morning, I drop S off at school, and I feel miserable leaving him. It isn't the same visceral misery I felt when he first started going to school (yes, it is a total euphemism for daycare, but it makes me feel better), but it is there. I'd simply rather be with him. I get enough work done every day to justify having him in school, but I don't get as much done as I'd like. Altogether I've written about 20 pages, and it doesn't all go together and none of it is particularly good at this point. I find myself daydreaming about staying home with S all the time.
I expressed these fears to C, and he was a bit baffled, to say the least. I'm the ambitious one in the relationship; for a while, he actually thought I'd finish before he did. But somewhere in the past few months, I've lost my motivation, and I'm not sure how to get it back.
3 comments:
I'd say give yourself some time, see if the feelings are still there in a month or so. If they are, maybe ask yourself if you really *want* to get the motivation back. It may be that your gut is trying to tell you something, and there's nothing wrong with listening. Or, it may just be a matter of getting back into the routine of a regular semester (without the added hassle of moving).
Oh my, I hope this doesn't come across as insensitive (because the comment I am about to write is only motivated by me knowing EXACTLY what you are talking about)--JOIN THE CLUB!
My son is also at 'school' and I can tell you that the amount of work I accomplish each day is directly related to how happy he seems when I drop him off on the playground. Then I go home and turn on my computer...and look at pictures of him. It is difficult for me to explain my change in motivation, or maybe it's a change in priorities, since feeling such joy and contentment in parenthood. I don't actually think I care about my work less, I just care about the rest of my life a lot more. And I am choosing to see this as a very good thing (for me, but not so much for my dissertation).
I feel ya! I didn't accomplish any "real" diss work this summer. I had my son at home more than in the regular semester and I just indulged myself in spending time with him.
I struggled all summer trying to get something accomplished but just didn't. I had all year off last year from teaching and I think not having a regular schedule hinders my productivity. I hope with one class this semester having to get myself into work mode will help with my productivity.
And I second what AcadeMama said, too. Maybe you should take a step back and listen.
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