Family and Academia

This weekend Archer was asked the following questions by a very famous scholar in his field: "Is your wife seeking a tenure track appointment at CU?  And you have two children?  How do you get anything done?"  Archer took these questions* very differently that I did--admittedly I wasn't present when the questions were asked.  When he relayed them to me, however, I became really annoyed.  To me, the implication behind these questions is that there can't be more than one working academic in a family, especially not if that family has more than one child.  And as an academic couple with two children, we're constantly faced with comments like this one.  On some level, I want to respond with something like this:

"We don't do it all.  In fact, we struggle every single day to get the bare minimum accomplished.  I finished my dissertation a year ago, and while I've been working on an article, I still haven't submitted anything for publication. Why?  Well, let's see.  I have 2 children, and I've taught 7 classes since Bear was born.  I submitted well over 50 job letters last year, and while I received some requests for more information, I didn't get any interviews, in part because the market is so bad but also because I have no publications.  I do, however, have an excellent teaching record and a great conference history.  As for Archer, he has, in fact, been awarded 3 grants: 2 to develop courses and 1 to start a new research project.  He has also written a book proposal (for which he's received a letter of interest from a reputable publisher), and he's also gotten an article published and another out for review.  How has he managed that you ask?  Well, he has the tenure-track position, which means he teaches 2 courses a term, one of which he gets a grader for.  He also has access to research money.  Yes, indeed, CU is very hospitable to academics with families, if you have a tenure track position.  If you don't, well, then you end up teaching a 4-4 load and have virtually no time to get your own work done, especially if you do have a family and if you actually want to spend time with your family.  The fact of the matter is academia is not hospitable to having a career and a family.  Is it possible?  Yes, but not without a lot of stress and effort.  So please stop asking stupid questions like, 'How do you do it?'"

Clearly that turned out to be much more of a rant than I had intended.  Being an academic and having a family is hard, plain and simple.  I don't like these questions because such questions make me face my own fear that this isn't possible, that life would be easier if I didn't have academic ambitions.  Then I could just teach during the week and hang out with my family the rest of the time.  Archer and I wouldn't have to worry about splitting work time evenly because I would be able to treat my job like a "normal 9 to 5 job."  The fact of the matter is that I struggle every single day.  Every evening I wonder if I spent enough time on my writing, my teaching, my children.  And the answer is usually, no, I didn't give enough time to anyone task.  And I'm not suggesting that the life of an academic is more difficult from that of any other parent--be the parent someone who stays home with the children or works outside the home.  I am suggesting that being a parent is hard, and in my case, being an academic and a parent is really hard.  I don't know how I do it all.  Most days I don't think I do any of it very well, so please, please, keep your questions to yourself.

*Archer interpreted the person to actually be saying something like this: "Wow, you and your wife both finished your dissertations after you had your eldest son!  And now you both teach at CU, and you have another child.  My goodness!  How do you do it?  I don't have any children, and I struggle to get my own work done."  Notice the fundamental difference in our interpretations.  Mine is, Archer said, cynical; his is, I said, overly optimistic.