I really hate . . .

that I am expected to hide my disappointment to make other people feel better about breaking promises. 

I feel a bit like Anastasia seems to have felt in her recent posts on being expected to assuage people of their guilt for backing out of commitments (the commitment in question was Anastasia's daughter's birthday party).  Why is it my responsibility to make you feel better?  Why must you say things like, "I'm so worried you'll be mad at me"?  If you're worried I'll be upset, chances are I'm going to be upset.  That said, it isn't like I have the temper of a pit viper.  I'm not going to lash out at you, nor am I even likely to voice my disappointment much beyond, "That sucks.  I really wanted to do X with you."

To what am I obliquely referring?  Bear's second birthday is next week, and we're having a small party for him this weekend.  As my mom is going to be here, I invited my sister, who lives about 5 hours away by car, to come as well.  I didn't expect her to come as she has yet to visit while our mom is also visiting (don't ask; I can't explain it).  She, however, accepted the invitation and assured me she'd be here despite her schedule.  She did explain that she and her two kids would likely arrive late Friday evening and leave mid-day Sunday.  Of course, that was not an issue, so I planned on her being here.  As Archer would say, that is where I made the mistake.  I should not have counted on her as she routinely goes back on her word for various reasons (and there is probably a blog post--or lots of therapy sessions--on how the only family members I can routinely rely on are my mom and my cousin).  I was so excited that we were actually going to have family in town for Bear's birthday that I believed her.  More to the point, I told Wild Man she was coming along with Brown-Eyed Boy and Girl, whom he worships.  Wild Man bought them presents at his school book fair--with his own money without any prompting from me.  He has talked about their coming for weeks, constantly reminding me that he has presents to give them.  He is excited to say the least.

As of this morning, I hadn't heard from my sister in about 2 weeks, despite emailing her twice to ask when to expect them.  She finally emailed this morning, saying that she's had a rough few weeks managing her bipolar, and that as much as she wants to come she doesn't think she's up to it.  She ended the email with, "I'm so worried you'll be mad at me."  Well, no, I'm not mad, and why would I be?  Obviously, she has to take care of herself first.  I do not, however,  like the assumption that I would be mad over something like this.  Disappointed, sure, but mad?  Um, no.  In fact, what makes me mad is the clear need for me to assuage her guilt for changing plans.  You're not well, and you need to stay home.  I get it.  You feel bad about it.  I get that too.  I also feel bad about it, but it isn't the end of the world.  Let's move on and be done with it.  I don't understand why I have to make her feel better about it.  I mean (and I totally know I'm being selfish here) she isn't going to have to deal with the utter meltdown Wild Man is going to have when I tell him his cousins won't be here for the weekend.  And I do mean utter meltdown as in sobbing and pulling the covers over his head, saying "I'm so sad, Mommy.  I wanted to give them their presents" meltdown.  I will, however, manage it, and we'll all be fine.

As an aside, I will not be telling Wild Man about any possible visits until I know they are on the way to our house.

In other news . . .

My sister is out of the hospital.  With the help of a really great doctor, she seems to have resolved her medication issues and has found a combination of meds that really works for her (this has been an issue since she was diagnosed with bi-polar 2 years ago).  I'm very proud of her for all the hard work she has done and continues to do to manage this illness.

Text Messages

If my sister sends me one more text message today, I'm going to reach through my cell phone and strangle her. I appreciate that she is busy and often doesn't have the time to call, especially considering when she does call I inevitably end up on the phone for over an hour. But I am also busy, albeit in a different way. My sister's job is high stress at various times of the day and the month; during off times, she has work to do, but she is not swamped. Thus, she has time to send 45 text messages on certain days. I'm not kidding; she wants to have entire conversations through one-line text messages. It is really, really annoying.

I know she doesn't call because she assumes I am working--as I have been today. But what she doesn't seem to understand (despite the fact that I have told her this at least twice) is that it takes a lot of time to read and respond to her text messages. And I can't just ignore them because when I do that she sends the same message over and over again until I respond. I've actually taken to telling Wild Man's teachers to call me on my office phone if there is an emergency rather than on my cell so I can turn my cell phone off and ignore my sister.

Something to be thankful for. . .

C, Wild Man, and I have been planning a trip to our Home State for Thanksgiving since September. Such trips are always stressful as our parents live about 35 miles apart--too far apart to make traveling back and forth daily convenient but too close together to not see both in a single visit. The week becomes complicated as each family jockeys for time with us. Our families handle it in different ways--mine is so non-confrontational and passive that it is seriously annoying, and C's just makes plans for us. I just got some news that will inevitably add to the stress of the week, yet it makes me very, very happy. My sister, who lives on the West Coast, and her two kids are going to be visiting as well. I'll miss seeing my brother-in-law, as he has to work, but I'm really excited to see my sister and my niece and nephew. I'm really thankful that she decided to make this trip. It has been almost 3 years since my parents, my siblings, and I have all been together. It should be a very exciting visit!