Thursday, January 11, 2007
MLA and my residual guilt
MLA was over 2 weeks ago, but I'm still experiencing a lot of residual guilt from the conference. While I sat in interviews and engaged in some really great intellectual conversations and learned a lot about what to do and what not to do when I am on the job market myself, S & C struggled 7 floors below me. S has been refusing to take a bottle for several weeks now, and his refusal came to a head in a hotel room in Philadelphia. So even though my son is now taking bottles occasionally (we're still working on it) and my husband and I have discussed my guilt and his frustration, I still feel horrible about that entire experience. My guilt was compounded when I asked a friend to watch S yesterday for about an hour; again, he refused to take a bottle, and my friend was forced to come get me so I could nurse S. Later that afternoon C tried again to give him a bottle, and again, S refused. After 15 minutes of screaming, I couldn't take it. I took him from C and nursed him, and as soon as he positioned himself at the breast he latched right on and gave what I imagine must have been a sigh of relief. While I know these episodes, as C & I have started to call them, won't scar S for life, they are scarring me a bit. I already have a fair amount of anxiety about daycare, which S starts in a few weeks, but his refusal to take a bottle is making my anxiety a thousand times worse. Unfortunately, I simply can't be with him all the time, and I've worked out what I think is an ideal situation. He'll be in daycare 4 hours a day while I frantically work on my dissertation, and he'll spend the afternoons with both parents most days. I feel really good about this decision, or at least I did until he stopped taking bottles. My advisor told me what she hoped would be a reassuring story about her son: he never took a bottle, and she had her dissertation finished by the time he was 2. She said, "I'm proof that a dissertation can be written while your child naps." I fear I'm nowhere near as organized as my advisor, so I didn't find this particularly helpful. As I type this post, S is nursing away, and C is making up a bottle for later this afternoon to try again.
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6 comments:
This is probably a dumb question, but have you tried pumping breastmilk for his bottles? If you're using formula, he may be objecting to the new taste rather than the bottle itself. My son would eat anything--breastmilk or formula, warm or cold, fast or slow-flow nipples. But still, I was not able to write my dissertation while he was napping and had my own set of issues with guilt and frustration about that. Hang in there and try not to beat yourself up over it--you'll eventually find what works for you and the dissertation will get finished one way or another. Being an ABD mom, I have to believe that.
As you know, Supadiscobaby didn't really master the art of bottlefeeding until he started daycare. I don't know exactly what they did that worked, but it was a huge relief for us, the parents. Your little man will get the hang of it--it just might take someone other than you and C (and someone with more experience) to get him to do it.
I know you've said that temperature isn't an issue with him, but you might experiment with that anyway.
As for writing a diss while the baby naps, I know that would only work for me if the "nap" we were referring to was the one he takes from about 9pm to 6am (unfortunately, I require sleep, too)! I certainly wouldn't accomplish much with the 30 min-2 hour naps that Supadiscobaby may or may not take on any given day!!
Hang in there :)
I'm sure you've already given this a shot, but have you tried a variety of bottles and/or nipples? Instead of worrying about which ones reduce colic (which S doesn't seem to have), spitting up, etc., you could just focus on which one he'll actually take. As you know, my oldest was breastfed, and she would only take Avent bottles. With my second baby, she has an obvious preference for the Dr. Brown's bottle (despite me stocking up on Avent because of previous experience--argh!). And, I don't know if you've ever tried Nuk nipples. They'll only work with the Dr. Brown's bottles, but my first OB recommended them, and they've worked really well for my littlest one. Just some suggestions. I know the term *hard* doesn't begin to explain the anxiety, but you can just remind yourself that this too shall pass, and you'll find that you've done a fantastic job!
Thanks for all the tips! I am using expressed breastmilk, and I've tried a few types of bottles and nipples. I just bought an Avent bottle, which I hope works. And C gave S a bottle in the car today, and he took it without a problem. C has theorized that S's refusal to take a bottle has less to do with the bottle or who is giving it to him than with spaces he associates with me. That doesn't explain why S wouldn't take the bottle from our good friend Supa yesterday, but I wonder if he could tell she is a nursing mother too and that she technically had something better to offer. . .
Sometimes moving--rocking or walking--while you offer a bottle helps. Movement is soothing and might calm baby down a little.
Oh, dear. All I can say is that I wish you luck. I was lucky enough that I didn't need to offer my sons a bottle -- or maybe that's why I'm still not done with the Ph.D. ;)
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