I've made some real progress in the past few days--post mini-breakdown. Yesterday I managed to write 4 pages and begin revising the chapter as well. As I was making some revisions I realized that one section I had planned to write I had, in fact, already written. Now instead of writing said section I just need to write a short paragraph that connects the first section of the chapter in which I discuss this issue to the second section of the chapter. I know this is all fairly cryptic, but it does make my life infinitely easier.
In other news, C completed a major grant today--the third he's submitted in the past two weeks. He has plans to begin work on a book prospectus and he also has to revise a short paper for a conference he is attending in April. But, other than teaching, he has no major deadlines for the rest of the semester. In fact, he has no major deadlines until the fall. So he has agreed that the next 10 weeks will be about me. We're making the chore chart this weekend, and we're also planning a huge trip to Costco (thanks for the idea, Jennie!) to stock up on easy to make meals. I'm a bit obsessive about healthy food for my family, so we already have a few things in the freezer. Now I just have to focus on my work and letting things go. I will make this happen!
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
A bit of a breakdown
Yesterday I had a bit of a breakdown. After spending the morning reading through all my research and making an extensive outline for my Jacobs chapter, I found myself completely incapable of writing. I managed to write about 2 pages, but I wasn't happy with it and couldn't figure out how to fix it or how to move past it. As I was in C's office, while he was teaching, I decided to give myself a break by going to the library to check out some books I need to consult. I thought the change of scenery might help me recollect my thoughts so that by the time I returned to C's office I could write again. No, such luck. I sat back down and tried to write, and I felt overwhelmed. C was back by then and asked me what was wrong, and I just started crying. And I couldn't stop. I tried to explain what I was feeling, but I don't think I made much sense. In the end, I said, "I'll be 20 weeks pregnant on Thursday. That means I have 10 weeks before I have to have a complete draft of this damn dissertation to my committee. I don't know if I can do it, especially not if I keep having days where I have writer's block. I just feel like I'm never going to finish." And then I cried some more. I know C was at a total loss, and I also know he's feeling a fair amount of guilt over my anxiety.
When C was at this point with his dissertation, I basically took 6 months off from my own work--I did lots of research and kept teaching, but I did no writing. This enabled me to focus on Wild Man and take care of the house so that C could get his dissertation finished. I'll be honest; it was a brutal 6 months. By the time he was finished, I was becoming increasingly resentful that I didn't have much time to devote to my own work. In hindsight, I realize that, given C's 4-4 teaching load at the time and his hour-long commute one way, one of us had to make a sacrifice, and at that point in our relationship, that had to be me. I have always assumed that C would make a similar sacrifice when I got to this point in my dissertation. I didn't, however, anticipate that I'd be pregnant with our second child and that C would be a tenure-track professor at a R1 university. Given the demands of his job, he can't put his own work on hold the way I did. And while C does everything around the house in terms of home repair, I do almost everything in terms of the day to day stuff, a point he will readily agree with. So when I find myself vacuuming the house while C preps lectures or works on a grant, I get a little angry. Or when he asks if I can take Wild Man with me to the grocery store so he can have some quiet time to work on the weekend, I really, really want to smack him hard. We have talked about this, and he has agreed that it is totally unfair, while also pointing out that I should have said something much sooner (yes, I know he's right, but I have felt hard pressed to say anything when he's expressed so much anxiety over tenure). We're going to sit down and develop a "chore chart," something I loathe to do, but something that I really believe is essential to my own mental well being. I don't want a dirty house, and I don't want to sacrifice time with my son. But I do want to finish this dissertation before Z arrives so that I can enjoy the summer with my family before I begin the next phase of my career.
I believe I can do this, but I also know I can't do it without help. I need C to understand that help isn't always him sitting down and talking my ideas out with me. Sometimes help comes in the form of clean laundry, a hot meal, and an occupied child. I know I have lots of long days and nights ahead of me, but hopefully, I'll have fewer breakdowns.
When C was at this point with his dissertation, I basically took 6 months off from my own work--I did lots of research and kept teaching, but I did no writing. This enabled me to focus on Wild Man and take care of the house so that C could get his dissertation finished. I'll be honest; it was a brutal 6 months. By the time he was finished, I was becoming increasingly resentful that I didn't have much time to devote to my own work. In hindsight, I realize that, given C's 4-4 teaching load at the time and his hour-long commute one way, one of us had to make a sacrifice, and at that point in our relationship, that had to be me. I have always assumed that C would make a similar sacrifice when I got to this point in my dissertation. I didn't, however, anticipate that I'd be pregnant with our second child and that C would be a tenure-track professor at a R1 university. Given the demands of his job, he can't put his own work on hold the way I did. And while C does everything around the house in terms of home repair, I do almost everything in terms of the day to day stuff, a point he will readily agree with. So when I find myself vacuuming the house while C preps lectures or works on a grant, I get a little angry. Or when he asks if I can take Wild Man with me to the grocery store so he can have some quiet time to work on the weekend, I really, really want to smack him hard. We have talked about this, and he has agreed that it is totally unfair, while also pointing out that I should have said something much sooner (yes, I know he's right, but I have felt hard pressed to say anything when he's expressed so much anxiety over tenure). We're going to sit down and develop a "chore chart," something I loathe to do, but something that I really believe is essential to my own mental well being. I don't want a dirty house, and I don't want to sacrifice time with my son. But I do want to finish this dissertation before Z arrives so that I can enjoy the summer with my family before I begin the next phase of my career.
I believe I can do this, but I also know I can't do it without help. I need C to understand that help isn't always him sitting down and talking my ideas out with me. Sometimes help comes in the form of clean laundry, a hot meal, and an occupied child. I know I have lots of long days and nights ahead of me, but hopefully, I'll have fewer breakdowns.
Monday, January 26, 2009
Wild Man-isms
This morning Wild Man requested to see some pictures of his friends from Southwest College Town. Well, actually, he requested to play with Supa-T and Mr. Noodle, but as that isn't possible, we made do with looking at pictures on my computer.
We just finished looking at a series of pictures that include 3 of Wild Man's friends: Supa-T, Jeezy, and Lion Cub. In several shots, Supa-T is helping give Lion Cub a bath. Upon viewing these pictures, Wild Man said to me, "He help give baby a bath. Bless his heart!"
We just finished looking at a series of pictures that include 3 of Wild Man's friends: Supa-T, Jeezy, and Lion Cub. In several shots, Supa-T is helping give Lion Cub a bath. Upon viewing these pictures, Wild Man said to me, "He help give baby a bath. Bless his heart!"
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Note to my mother-in-law
I am, in fact, not a horrible person who is desperately trying to keep my child away from you.
I will either elaborate on this post or delete it, depending on how I feel once I'm no longer pissed.
I will either elaborate on this post or delete it, depending on how I feel once I'm no longer pissed.
Revising Introduction
This morning, while C occupies Wild Man, I'm trying to revise the introduction to my second chapter. Can I just say that I hate revising introductions?
Saturday, January 24, 2009
A question
I have a question for all of my readers in cyberspace--and although this is a question about parenting (sort of), I'm equally interested in the opinions of those of you who aren't parents. I'm sorry to be cryptic with the information, but I'm not ready to be specific.
If you were selecting a guardian for your child (or children), would you feel compelled to select family members over friends? Also, what do you consider the most important thing when selecting a guardian for your children? Is a familial connection more important than choosing someone who shares your values?
If you were selecting a guardian for your child (or children), would you feel compelled to select family members over friends? Also, what do you consider the most important thing when selecting a guardian for your children? Is a familial connection more important than choosing someone who shares your values?
A proud parenting moment
Today, we made our weekly trip to Costco--yes, I know we live an exciting life here in CU Land! Wild Man has taken the opportunity of turning this weekly trip into his weekly excuse into conning Mommy and Daddy into buying him a hot dog. Today was no different as the moment we pulled into the parking lot, Wild Man announced "I need a hot dog." We've actually gotten into the habit of planning this trip around lunch time, so we're generally willing to accommodate his request, as we were today.
As we made our way through the parking lot, Wild Man asked both C and I to run with him, so we did. Once we got to the store, however, I told him he had to stop running so he wouldn't get run over because the entrance to the store was mobbed. Being 2, Wild Man didn't want to listen, and said "I run, Mommy. You just hold my hand." When I told him no, he again tried to run. So C picked him up and carried him inside the store. This really annoyed Wild Man, although he tolerated it fairly well. He did tell C, "I no want you, I want Mommy." C asked him if he wanted a hot dog, which, of course, Wild Man answered affirmatively, but he also reiterated that he didn't want C. So while C got himself and Wild Man a hot dog, I took Wild Man with me to the bathroom.
Once we got in the stall, Wild Man began hitting the wall and grunting. I asked him what was wrong. He didn't answer, but kept hitting the wall. So I asked him "Are you mad at Daddy?" He said "Yes, I mad at Daddy." When I asked him why, he said "I want to run." I told him he needed to tell his father how he felt. After we washed our hands and returned to the snack bar, Wild Man told C "I mad at you, Daddy." C looked at me, but I just shook my head, indicating he was going to have to talk to Wild Man about it. C asked why, and Wild Man explained the best he could, although as a proud mother, I have to say I think he explained his feeling quite well.
To be quite honest, I wasn't 100% sure how C would react. At times, he can be short with Wild Man, especially when it comes to Wild Man not listening. And C had picked him up and carried him into the store precisely because Wild Man wasn't listening. C, however, said "I'm sorry I made you mad, but I needed you to listen and to get out of the other people's way. I picked you up because I was afraid you would get hurt. Thank you for telling me how you feel. I'm proud of you for sharing your feelings so well." This is the first time that Wild Man has verbalized his anger like this; generally, he responds as most toddlers do--he cries or he hits one of us. C and I are both really proud that he was able to articulate his feelings so clearly. And I'm really proud that C responded as he did. I feel certain that C never expressed any anger toward his father ever, and I feel equally certain that if he had his father would not have responded so positively. After this exchange, Wild Man happily ate his hot dog!
As we made our way through the parking lot, Wild Man asked both C and I to run with him, so we did. Once we got to the store, however, I told him he had to stop running so he wouldn't get run over because the entrance to the store was mobbed. Being 2, Wild Man didn't want to listen, and said "I run, Mommy. You just hold my hand." When I told him no, he again tried to run. So C picked him up and carried him inside the store. This really annoyed Wild Man, although he tolerated it fairly well. He did tell C, "I no want you, I want Mommy." C asked him if he wanted a hot dog, which, of course, Wild Man answered affirmatively, but he also reiterated that he didn't want C. So while C got himself and Wild Man a hot dog, I took Wild Man with me to the bathroom.
Once we got in the stall, Wild Man began hitting the wall and grunting. I asked him what was wrong. He didn't answer, but kept hitting the wall. So I asked him "Are you mad at Daddy?" He said "Yes, I mad at Daddy." When I asked him why, he said "I want to run." I told him he needed to tell his father how he felt. After we washed our hands and returned to the snack bar, Wild Man told C "I mad at you, Daddy." C looked at me, but I just shook my head, indicating he was going to have to talk to Wild Man about it. C asked why, and Wild Man explained the best he could, although as a proud mother, I have to say I think he explained his feeling quite well.
To be quite honest, I wasn't 100% sure how C would react. At times, he can be short with Wild Man, especially when it comes to Wild Man not listening. And C had picked him up and carried him into the store precisely because Wild Man wasn't listening. C, however, said "I'm sorry I made you mad, but I needed you to listen and to get out of the other people's way. I picked you up because I was afraid you would get hurt. Thank you for telling me how you feel. I'm proud of you for sharing your feelings so well." This is the first time that Wild Man has verbalized his anger like this; generally, he responds as most toddlers do--he cries or he hits one of us. C and I are both really proud that he was able to articulate his feelings so clearly. And I'm really proud that C responded as he did. I feel certain that C never expressed any anger toward his father ever, and I feel equally certain that if he had his father would not have responded so positively. After this exchange, Wild Man happily ate his hot dog!
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Product confusion
You know, it really hasn't been all that long since I had a baby. Wild Man is just a little over 2, so less than 3 years ago I did copious amounts of research on various products, put together a registry, and bought things that I thought would work for us. I naively assumed that this time around choosing products would be easier, especially since I now have experience on my side. It is, however, even more complicated now.
C and I have been discussing bottles and diapers this week. With Wild Man, we registered for and received a number of Dr. Brown's bottles. I selected this brand based on the large number of positive reviews I read online and got first hand from moms and dads; however, Wild Man hated them. Granted, my boy hated bottles, and he only ever took them reluctantly. We ended up using Playtex nursers with him because they were the only kind he would ever take. C thinks we should play it safe and use these again with Z, but frankly, the number of plastic bags we threw away while using these bottles made me sick to my stomach. I want to try bottles that don't include a disposable liner again. But now, I have to pick out bottles that I think Z will like and that are BPA-free. Do you have any idea how hard that is? Let me tell you, BPA-free bottles are enormously expensive, and most don't look remotely inviting. Add to that our current diaper dilemma--cloth or disposable--and I've been doing a lot of baby product research in my spare time--as in when I'm not dissertating or chasing Wild Man. I'm learning that not everything is easier the second time around.
C and I have been discussing bottles and diapers this week. With Wild Man, we registered for and received a number of Dr. Brown's bottles. I selected this brand based on the large number of positive reviews I read online and got first hand from moms and dads; however, Wild Man hated them. Granted, my boy hated bottles, and he only ever took them reluctantly. We ended up using Playtex nursers with him because they were the only kind he would ever take. C thinks we should play it safe and use these again with Z, but frankly, the number of plastic bags we threw away while using these bottles made me sick to my stomach. I want to try bottles that don't include a disposable liner again. But now, I have to pick out bottles that I think Z will like and that are BPA-free. Do you have any idea how hard that is? Let me tell you, BPA-free bottles are enormously expensive, and most don't look remotely inviting. Add to that our current diaper dilemma--cloth or disposable--and I've been doing a lot of baby product research in my spare time--as in when I'm not dissertating or chasing Wild Man. I'm learning that not everything is easier the second time around.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Saturday, January 17, 2009
And the drama begins. . .
C just got off the phone with his sister, who asked if I was following doctor's orders correctly. C replied "Huh?" Apparently, Yetta interpreted the fact that I may have to have another ultrasound to check on the placement of my placenta to mean that I have been put on bed rest. C explained the actual situation to Pita, who initially seemed to understand, but as they were getting off the phone, she said "Make sure M keeps her feet up and doesn't pick up Wild Man at all." By next week, I'll be on death's door, I'm sure.
Friday, January 16, 2009
Pink, Pink, and More Pink
During a day that is mostly devoted to my dissertation, I took a lunchtime break to do some online browsing for Z. We had previously thought that Z would get Wild Man's room part and parcel as we're moving Wild Man into the room that is currently my office and I will be taking over the room that is currently C's office (it turns out C doesn't need an office at home; he works better from school, and when he does work at home, he takes over the dining room table.). But the more we talked about these impending spatial changes, C said "You know, it doesn't seem fair that Z gets nothing new." He went on to recognize that he knows Z won't give a damn about her bedroom or bedding, but still. I see the validity of his point. Wild Man was our first, and he got lots of new stuff out of necessity. Z will be getting lots of hand-me-downs, including hand-me-down furniture while Wild Man will be getting new (at least to him) furniture with Z's arrival. On some level, it does feel like Z is getting screwed, at least materially.
So I took a few minutes while I ate my lunch to peruse some nursery bedding for Z. I found pink, pink, and more pink with some lavender occasionally mixed in. I do not want a pink room. Don't get me wrong; I like pink just fine, but I don't want a pink room. I just don't. Ideally, I'd like something to go in the current room so we don't have to paint; after all, we just painted the entire upstairs in September. Thus, I need something to go in a light aqua colored room. Let me tell you, there isn't much that is considered to be for girls that goes with light aqua. In fact there isn't much without flowers, ruffles, or fairies. I could go for something plain white with a little pink in the trim, but really, what is the fun in that? For boys, there are lots of things that go with light aqua, but as progressive as I am I don't think I want Z to have dinosaurs, trucks, or sailboats. I'd really like something with animals, which is what we ultimately chose for Wild Man. But apparently girls only like lambs, bunny rabbits, or butterflies--romping in vast fields of pink gingham. It looks like we will be choosing something that is gender-neutral for Z just like we did for Wild Man.
So I took a few minutes while I ate my lunch to peruse some nursery bedding for Z. I found pink, pink, and more pink with some lavender occasionally mixed in. I do not want a pink room. Don't get me wrong; I like pink just fine, but I don't want a pink room. I just don't. Ideally, I'd like something to go in the current room so we don't have to paint; after all, we just painted the entire upstairs in September. Thus, I need something to go in a light aqua colored room. Let me tell you, there isn't much that is considered to be for girls that goes with light aqua. In fact there isn't much without flowers, ruffles, or fairies. I could go for something plain white with a little pink in the trim, but really, what is the fun in that? For boys, there are lots of things that go with light aqua, but as progressive as I am I don't think I want Z to have dinosaurs, trucks, or sailboats. I'd really like something with animals, which is what we ultimately chose for Wild Man. But apparently girls only like lambs, bunny rabbits, or butterflies--romping in vast fields of pink gingham. It looks like we will be choosing something that is gender-neutral for Z just like we did for Wild Man.
Wild Man announces. . .
that he will nurse Baby Z.
We've been talking with Wild Man about nursing and Z off and on for a few weeks. At first, he wanted no part of any such conversation, telling me adamantly that "Z can have bottle, Mommy." Wild Man apparently still remembers nursing, and when he's having a bad day or even a bad moment, he still wants to snuggle with me and always puts his hand on one of my breasts. He is fascinated by breastfeeding of any kind and will approach perfect strangers he sees nursing to ask them about it. We've been talking about it because I anticipate this will be the primary source of jealousy for Wild Man when Z arrives. Every time we've talked about it, he has offered alternatives for Z, even telling C "Daddy, Baby Z will eat your nu-nus (Wild Man's word for breasts)."
Last night may have marked a change though. As I was dressing him for bed, he asked to see my belly and said "Mommy, I kiss Baby Z." Then he looked down at his chest and said "Baby Z will eat my nu-nus, Mommy!" Maybe this won't be such an issue after all . . .
We've been talking with Wild Man about nursing and Z off and on for a few weeks. At first, he wanted no part of any such conversation, telling me adamantly that "Z can have bottle, Mommy." Wild Man apparently still remembers nursing, and when he's having a bad day or even a bad moment, he still wants to snuggle with me and always puts his hand on one of my breasts. He is fascinated by breastfeeding of any kind and will approach perfect strangers he sees nursing to ask them about it. We've been talking about it because I anticipate this will be the primary source of jealousy for Wild Man when Z arrives. Every time we've talked about it, he has offered alternatives for Z, even telling C "Daddy, Baby Z will eat your nu-nus (Wild Man's word for breasts)."
Last night may have marked a change though. As I was dressing him for bed, he asked to see my belly and said "Mommy, I kiss Baby Z." Then he looked down at his chest and said "Baby Z will eat my nu-nus, Mommy!" Maybe this won't be such an issue after all . . .
Thursday, January 15, 2009
And C decided to. . .
find out Z's sex. And we think Z is most likely a girl. The ultrasound tech wasn't 100% certain, so we're speculating. C was more than a bit annoyed with the uncertainty of it all when we left the appointment. He said "How can I get excited when we don't know for sure? We may as well have not found out at all!" I, admittedly, laughed at him. He can be a bit dramatic, my husband.
As it turns out, I will likely have to have another ultrasound in a few weeks, so we may be able to get some confirmation on Z's sex. The tech wants me to have another scan because she was a bit concerned that Z's placenta is too close to my cervix. She made this comment before I went to the bathroom, and once my bladder was empty she said it looked to be farther up. She said that she was going to show the images to the radiologist and recommend a second scan in a few weeks. Cody's a bit worried about this, but I'm not. It's still too early for them to diagnose me with placenta previa, and I know that as Z and the placenta grows that its placement is likely to change. If I do have it, there isn't much we can do about it. Depending on the placement of the placenta my midwife could refer me to an OB, and I may have to have a C-section, which doesn't thrill me. But so long as both Z and I are healthy, I can handle that.
Aside from that, Z is quite lovely. Z has long, long legs (not unlike Wild Man). Z also didn't enjoy being poked and prodded at all. Although she cooperated by moving all over, she also swatted at the ultrasound wand, which the tech found quite amusing.
As it turns out, I will likely have to have another ultrasound in a few weeks, so we may be able to get some confirmation on Z's sex. The tech wants me to have another scan because she was a bit concerned that Z's placenta is too close to my cervix. She made this comment before I went to the bathroom, and once my bladder was empty she said it looked to be farther up. She said that she was going to show the images to the radiologist and recommend a second scan in a few weeks. Cody's a bit worried about this, but I'm not. It's still too early for them to diagnose me with placenta previa, and I know that as Z and the placenta grows that its placement is likely to change. If I do have it, there isn't much we can do about it. Depending on the placement of the placenta my midwife could refer me to an OB, and I may have to have a C-section, which doesn't thrill me. But so long as both Z and I are healthy, I can handle that.
Aside from that, Z is quite lovely. Z has long, long legs (not unlike Wild Man). Z also didn't enjoy being poked and prodded at all. Although she cooperated by moving all over, she also swatted at the ultrasound wand, which the tech found quite amusing.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
To find out, or To not find out, continued
It seems we will be making this decision much sooner than expected. I had a routine appointment with my mid-wife this morning, and she scheduled my next ultrasound appointment. It seems the radiology clinic she is sending me too had a cancellation this afternoon, so I have my 18 week ultrasound later today. We still have yet to make a decision as to whether or not we will find out, but we do have to make that decision today!
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
To find out, or To not find out
I've been getting so many questions about this topic, I decided I'd break down and write a post.
Right now, at almost 18 weeks along, I'm most often asked, "Do you know the baby's sex?" "Are you going to find out the baby's sex?" comes a close second. Our answer: we haven't decided yet. With Wild Man, I adamantly didn't want to know. I was so against knowing, in fact, that I pulled the "I'm the one carrying the baby" card to trump C's desire to know. Ultimately, however, I did tell C we could find out it if it meant that much to him. On the day of my ultrasound, C told the tech that we didn't want to know.
With Z, C told me as soon as we found out I was pregnant that he wanted to know. He reasoned that we're accustomed to a boy; thus, he wanted to know so he could mentally prepare if Z is a girl. This made sense to me especially as I know my husband well enough to know he isn't remotely concerned about treating a girl differently or making sure we have pink clothes for a girl. A daughter will change our lives in a way that a son will not. Why? Well, primarily because she would be the only granddaughter on C's side of the family. That means that Yetta and Pita will flip out, both in good ways and bad ways. Suffice to say, they will both be much more interested in and invested in a girl than they will in a boy. As much they voice their opinions and attempt to interfere with how we're rearing Wild Man, they will do so ten-fold with a girl. C wants time to mentally prepare for the number of batles he will have to wage with his mother and sister if Z is a girl. I understand that. Further, we did it my way with our first, so it seems only fair that we do it C's way with our second.
But just as I got my mind wrapped around finding out, C announced a few days ago "I don't want to find out Z's sex. I mean, it really isn't going to make that much of a difference is it? We waited with Wild Man. We should wait with Z. Remember how cool it was when the doctor held him up and we realized he was a boy? I think I want to experience that again." So, now I am in the process of mentally regrouping as it seems we won't be finding out Z's sex. But, to be quite honest, who knows? As my ultrasound isn't for two more weeks, we have lots of time to change our minds yet again, and I feel quite certain we will do just that at least two more times!
Right now, at almost 18 weeks along, I'm most often asked, "Do you know the baby's sex?" "Are you going to find out the baby's sex?" comes a close second. Our answer: we haven't decided yet. With Wild Man, I adamantly didn't want to know. I was so against knowing, in fact, that I pulled the "I'm the one carrying the baby" card to trump C's desire to know. Ultimately, however, I did tell C we could find out it if it meant that much to him. On the day of my ultrasound, C told the tech that we didn't want to know.
With Z, C told me as soon as we found out I was pregnant that he wanted to know. He reasoned that we're accustomed to a boy; thus, he wanted to know so he could mentally prepare if Z is a girl. This made sense to me especially as I know my husband well enough to know he isn't remotely concerned about treating a girl differently or making sure we have pink clothes for a girl. A daughter will change our lives in a way that a son will not. Why? Well, primarily because she would be the only granddaughter on C's side of the family. That means that Yetta and Pita will flip out, both in good ways and bad ways. Suffice to say, they will both be much more interested in and invested in a girl than they will in a boy. As much they voice their opinions and attempt to interfere with how we're rearing Wild Man, they will do so ten-fold with a girl. C wants time to mentally prepare for the number of batles he will have to wage with his mother and sister if Z is a girl. I understand that. Further, we did it my way with our first, so it seems only fair that we do it C's way with our second.
But just as I got my mind wrapped around finding out, C announced a few days ago "I don't want to find out Z's sex. I mean, it really isn't going to make that much of a difference is it? We waited with Wild Man. We should wait with Z. Remember how cool it was when the doctor held him up and we realized he was a boy? I think I want to experience that again." So, now I am in the process of mentally regrouping as it seems we won't be finding out Z's sex. But, to be quite honest, who knows? As my ultrasound isn't for two more weeks, we have lots of time to change our minds yet again, and I feel quite certain we will do just that at least two more times!
Monday, January 12, 2009
No more procrastinating
I'm currently in the midst of a serious case of procrastination, and today, I'm declaring an end to it. I realized in the middle of the night that I have about 12 weeks to finish a complete draft of my dissertation and send it to my committee. I have a lot of work to do, but I do think it is manageable. So, as I couldn't sleep from about 2 until 3:15, I came up with some deadlines that I'm putting in the blogosphere in an attempt to keep myself honest.
Jan. 30: Send complete draft of 2nd chapter chapter to my adviser
Feb. 15: Complete revisions of 1st chapter
Mar. 10: Complete revisions of 3rd chapter (these will be a major revisions and include an as yet undrafted section, so I'm giving myself more time with this chapter)
Mar. 25: Complete revisions of 2nd chapter
April 10: Complete draft of introduction; send dissertation to committee
This gives my committee about 3 1/2 weeks with my dissertation before a proposed defense of the last week in April or the first week in May. Once I send my 2nd chapter to my adviser I will be able to comfortably set a definite defense date. This is a tight schedule, I know, but I have more than the desire to finish looming over me. I can't travel after May 10th, and frankly, that is pushing it a bit more than my midwife is comfortable with. Now, I'm going to get some work done!
Jan. 30: Send complete draft of 2nd chapter chapter to my adviser
Feb. 15: Complete revisions of 1st chapter
Mar. 10: Complete revisions of 3rd chapter (these will be a major revisions and include an as yet undrafted section, so I'm giving myself more time with this chapter)
Mar. 25: Complete revisions of 2nd chapter
April 10: Complete draft of introduction; send dissertation to committee
This gives my committee about 3 1/2 weeks with my dissertation before a proposed defense of the last week in April or the first week in May. Once I send my 2nd chapter to my adviser I will be able to comfortably set a definite defense date. This is a tight schedule, I know, but I have more than the desire to finish looming over me. I can't travel after May 10th, and frankly, that is pushing it a bit more than my midwife is comfortable with. Now, I'm going to get some work done!
Friday, January 09, 2009
I really wish. . .
that I would wake up tomorrow and find my dissertation finished. That would be a lovely thing to discover.
Thursday, January 08, 2009
I'm hungry. . .
basically all the time. I wake up hungry, and I eat a snack right before I go to bed because I'm hungry. I'm hungry an hour after I eat. For example, this morning, at 7:30, I ate a piece of toast, an egg, and a grapefruit for breakfast. Plus I had juice and coffee. By the time I got to campus at 9:20 my stomach was growling. Seriously, C heard it and asked me if I was ok. I just ate a banana and a granola bar, but I'm still a little hungry. At this rate, I'll spend the entire day eating and not get anything done. I remember experiencing extreme hunger while carrying Wild Man, but I don't think it started this early!
Wednesday, January 07, 2009
I hate sewing
I just took a break from my office reorganizing to hem some pants I bought last week. I hate sewing, hemming in particular so much, that I was just going to take them to be hemmed, but then I realized I'd be without the pants for about a week. Frankly, I need these pants. I still haven't gained any weight, but as C told me recently, I've "popped." Most of my non-maternity pants still fit, but they aren't exactly comfortable. The 2 pair of pants I had from my pregnancy with Wild Man (I was pregnant in the summer in the Southwest; I lived in capris, shorts, and skirts) don't fit quite right any more, so I recently bought three pair of maternity pants. I was lucky enough to find pants that actually fit in the legs and butt, since it seems I've lost weight there since I gave birth to Wild Man. In fact, and I don't think of this as necessarily a good thing, I'm smaller (but weigh the same) than I was when I got pregnant with Wild Man. I attribute this to the fact that I've been lazy and haven't incorporated a work out routine into my life in CU Land. To remedy this, I have located a yoga studio that offers prenatal classes and am going to start a class in a few weeks.
To return to the topic at hand, the pants fit, but given that I'm only 5'3" they were much, much too long, as in 6 or 7" too long. So Monday, while Wild Man napped, I pinned all three pairs, and today, I hemmed them. Let me repeat, I hate hemming. I can sew, barely. My mom taught me the basics, and I have a small, portable machine. I like to make things, as in curtains, quilts (I've made 3), and the like. I am not good at clothes because I don't have the patience to follow a pattern. And while I can hem, I'm not great at it, and I don't really like to do it. Why do you ask? Because I find it really hard to sew in a straight line. Yes, that's right: I'm a drunk sewer. When hemming pants, it is sort of essential to sew in a straight line. I hemmed two pairs and managed to sew the hems fairly straight, but I wasn't perfect by any stretch. Oh well, at least I now have something to wear on my bottom half for the first day of class tomorrow.
To return to the topic at hand, the pants fit, but given that I'm only 5'3" they were much, much too long, as in 6 or 7" too long. So Monday, while Wild Man napped, I pinned all three pairs, and today, I hemmed them. Let me repeat, I hate hemming. I can sew, barely. My mom taught me the basics, and I have a small, portable machine. I like to make things, as in curtains, quilts (I've made 3), and the like. I am not good at clothes because I don't have the patience to follow a pattern. And while I can hem, I'm not great at it, and I don't really like to do it. Why do you ask? Because I find it really hard to sew in a straight line. Yes, that's right: I'm a drunk sewer. When hemming pants, it is sort of essential to sew in a straight line. I hemmed two pairs and managed to sew the hems fairly straight, but I wasn't perfect by any stretch. Oh well, at least I now have something to wear on my bottom half for the first day of class tomorrow.
Naming Z
Naming Z is a popular topic of conversation in our house right now, at least for me. Earlier in my pregnancy we quickly agreed on a number of names that we both liked for a boy and a girl, and since then, C feels like we're done. In fact, every time I suggest a new name, he rolls his eyes at me and says "I thought we were done; we have 5 names we like for either sex." And he's right, I like all the names on our list, but honestly, I'm not sure if I love any of them.
Within the first few weeks of becoming pregnant with Wild Man, I had found one name I loved for him--if he was a girl. Although C and I had agreed we would wait to decide on a name until he was born, I knew Wild Man was going to be Lucy if he was a girl. I was also initially certain he would be Liam if he had been a boy. Needless to say, Wild Man was not a girl, and he is also not a Liam. We added the name we ultimately chose for him to our list of names fairly late in my pregnancy. While I really liked the name, I wasn't 100% sold on it, but when Wild Man was born and the doctor showed him to me, I knew at that moment he was Wild Man. In fact, C and I didn't even discuss his name. I saw him and said "His name is Wild Man." C occasionally reminds me that I went back on our agreement to spend some time with Wild Man before naming him. I remind him that I had just done the majority of the work in creating and birthing Wild Man, so my vote on the name counts a bit more than his does. Our disagreements aside, Wild Man's name suits him perfectly; he is a Wild Man, without a doubt.
For Z, however, I'm not convinced we've found the perfect name. We have one girl's name that C is totally in love with, and I like it a lot. I am concerned, however, that it is too unusual (in fact, it is so unusual that C wanted to share it with his family during our recent visit so they'd have time to get used to it and to minimize any stupid reactions they may have). I've spent my entire life spelling my own name, and now that I have a hyphenated last name, I also have to spell my last name. It is a pain in the ass, let me tell you. If Z is a girl and we name her C's favorite name, she will have to spell both her first name and her last name, as well as tell people how to pronounce it. While it is a strong, beautiful, and name that is appropriate both for a little girl and a young woman, I'm not sure I want to inflict that on a child of mine. Wild Man will have to spell his last name, but not his first--as will Z if he is a boy (as an aside, I have to say, I do not understand why C's last name is so difficult for people to spell. It is a bit odd, but it is spelled exactly like it sounds). I also feel like it is too early to say we've decided on our list of names. Now that Z is starting to move around, I feel like I'm just beginning to know Z. I want to discuss naming Z some more, so I guess I will continue to annoy C with name suggestions until we find the perfect name.
Within the first few weeks of becoming pregnant with Wild Man, I had found one name I loved for him--if he was a girl. Although C and I had agreed we would wait to decide on a name until he was born, I knew Wild Man was going to be Lucy if he was a girl. I was also initially certain he would be Liam if he had been a boy. Needless to say, Wild Man was not a girl, and he is also not a Liam. We added the name we ultimately chose for him to our list of names fairly late in my pregnancy. While I really liked the name, I wasn't 100% sold on it, but when Wild Man was born and the doctor showed him to me, I knew at that moment he was Wild Man. In fact, C and I didn't even discuss his name. I saw him and said "His name is Wild Man." C occasionally reminds me that I went back on our agreement to spend some time with Wild Man before naming him. I remind him that I had just done the majority of the work in creating and birthing Wild Man, so my vote on the name counts a bit more than his does. Our disagreements aside, Wild Man's name suits him perfectly; he is a Wild Man, without a doubt.
For Z, however, I'm not convinced we've found the perfect name. We have one girl's name that C is totally in love with, and I like it a lot. I am concerned, however, that it is too unusual (in fact, it is so unusual that C wanted to share it with his family during our recent visit so they'd have time to get used to it and to minimize any stupid reactions they may have). I've spent my entire life spelling my own name, and now that I have a hyphenated last name, I also have to spell my last name. It is a pain in the ass, let me tell you. If Z is a girl and we name her C's favorite name, she will have to spell both her first name and her last name, as well as tell people how to pronounce it. While it is a strong, beautiful, and name that is appropriate both for a little girl and a young woman, I'm not sure I want to inflict that on a child of mine. Wild Man will have to spell his last name, but not his first--as will Z if he is a boy (as an aside, I have to say, I do not understand why C's last name is so difficult for people to spell. It is a bit odd, but it is spelled exactly like it sounds). I also feel like it is too early to say we've decided on our list of names. Now that Z is starting to move around, I feel like I'm just beginning to know Z. I want to discuss naming Z some more, so I guess I will continue to annoy C with name suggestions until we find the perfect name.
Tuesday, January 06, 2009
Back to school
Today we return to our normal routine. C is currently prepping for his first grad class (which he is more than a bit nervous about), I'm compiling a reading list for my class and revising my syllabus, and Wild Man is back at school. C and I were both a little anxious about Wild Man's return to school. After all, he has been with one of us all day every day since the 19th of December. We talked about it with him over the weekend and again yesterday. We tried to keep yesterday as close to our normal Monday routine as possible, which meant that both C and I spent some time working while the other did various activities with Wild Man. C even baked cookies with him yesterday afternoon, which he loved.
This morning, after a bit of a rough night (I think my boy is experiencing some growing pains; he woke up twice crying that his legs hurt), Wild Man woke up in a great mood. He ate a rather strange breakfast--a grapefruit and blackberries. Then he watched "Curious George" while C and I finished getting ready. He fussed a bit when I told him it was time to go. I explained that I had to go to work, and he finally said, "I go school, Mommy. See my friends." He got his boots and coat on with minimal complaint (I say minimal because C dressed him for the outdoors, and Wild Man wanted me to do it). He talked happily to us during the drive to school, but when we pulled into the parking lot, he announced "I no go to school. I stay with Mommy." C reassured him that we would stay with him as long as he needed us to, and Wild Man said ok. We were prepared to stay for a while, but as soon as we walked into his classroom, he ran over to the play area and began chasing his friend Theresa (the same Theresa who "likes to shake her bootie"). After a few minutes I told him we had to go, and he said "No, Mommy. You stay." He walked over to me and pulled me over to where he was playing, but then he went right back to playing. A few minutes later, he walked over to me and said "Bye-bye, Mommy" and gave me a big kiss. He said good-bye to C, and we left. I'm relieved that was so much easier than I anticipated.
Now I have to wrap my mind around getting back to work, and with any luck, I'll find groove in about an hour or so and get a lot done today!
This morning, after a bit of a rough night (I think my boy is experiencing some growing pains; he woke up twice crying that his legs hurt), Wild Man woke up in a great mood. He ate a rather strange breakfast--a grapefruit and blackberries. Then he watched "Curious George" while C and I finished getting ready. He fussed a bit when I told him it was time to go. I explained that I had to go to work, and he finally said, "I go school, Mommy. See my friends." He got his boots and coat on with minimal complaint (I say minimal because C dressed him for the outdoors, and Wild Man wanted me to do it). He talked happily to us during the drive to school, but when we pulled into the parking lot, he announced "I no go to school. I stay with Mommy." C reassured him that we would stay with him as long as he needed us to, and Wild Man said ok. We were prepared to stay for a while, but as soon as we walked into his classroom, he ran over to the play area and began chasing his friend Theresa (the same Theresa who "likes to shake her bootie"). After a few minutes I told him we had to go, and he said "No, Mommy. You stay." He walked over to me and pulled me over to where he was playing, but then he went right back to playing. A few minutes later, he walked over to me and said "Bye-bye, Mommy" and gave me a big kiss. He said good-bye to C, and we left. I'm relieved that was so much easier than I anticipated.
Now I have to wrap my mind around getting back to work, and with any luck, I'll find groove in about an hour or so and get a lot done today!
Monday, January 05, 2009
Movement
I've been sitting on the couch, with my feet up, for the past few hours. My back has been bothering me off and on all day (blame it on my 33 pound toddler!), and then, in the middle of dinner, I had a horrific attack of heartburn, which made it difficult to move let alone even finish dinner. C banished me to the couch, and other than getting up to take a shower and go to the bathroom, I haven't really moved. For the past 30 minutes or so, I've been revising my syllabus while my cat is pressed up against my side, wedged between me and the couch cushions. While I've been relaxing, Z has been doing flips.
My experience with this pregnancy has been so different, at least emotionally. While I was initially more anxious about miscarriage than I was with Wild Man, I haven't had a lot of time to think about being pregnant. With Wild Man, I analyzed every feeling, every twinge, every thing. With Z, I've been feeling flutters for at least the past month or so, but I have mostly ignored it because I knew it was very early, even though my mid-wife told me it was entirely possible for me to feel movement at 13 weeks. Tonight, though, there is no denying that Z is reminding me that s/he doesn't want to be ignored. I've been feeling rolls and flips all evening. I'd forgotten how wonderful it is to feel those movements. I keep giggling to myself every time I feel a movement, and C, who is working at the kitchen table, keeps looking over at me like I'm crazy. Experiencing this definitely makes the difficulty of a second pregnancy easier to handle.
My experience with this pregnancy has been so different, at least emotionally. While I was initially more anxious about miscarriage than I was with Wild Man, I haven't had a lot of time to think about being pregnant. With Wild Man, I analyzed every feeling, every twinge, every thing. With Z, I've been feeling flutters for at least the past month or so, but I have mostly ignored it because I knew it was very early, even though my mid-wife told me it was entirely possible for me to feel movement at 13 weeks. Tonight, though, there is no denying that Z is reminding me that s/he doesn't want to be ignored. I've been feeling rolls and flips all evening. I'd forgotten how wonderful it is to feel those movements. I keep giggling to myself every time I feel a movement, and C, who is working at the kitchen table, keeps looking over at me like I'm crazy. Experiencing this definitely makes the difficulty of a second pregnancy easier to handle.
At My Wit's End
Tomorrow Wild Man goes back to school, and frankly after almost 3 weeks of uninterrupted togetherness, I am very ready for a bit of a break. I'm ready for a variety of reasons, including that I want to get back to work, but mainly I'm ready because Wild Man is going through a serious Mommy-phase. Almost everything C does elicits cries of "Mommy, I need my Mommy" from Wild Man. And his latest mantra is "Hug, Mommy, hug," which he repeats incessantly. I know that given our recent travels and the number of people he saw in the two weeks we were out of town has caused some anxiety. On top of that, he had four cousins of varying ages to play with during those 2 weeks, and for the past week, because our neighbor Blue-Eyed Girl, has been sick, he's had no one but me and C to amuse him. Add to that one horrific cold that both he and I have suffered from, and it's been a rough week. I honestly think he needs a break from us as much as we need a break from him, a fact that was reinforced when he announced yesterday "I miss Shell and Cole," his nicknames for his teachers.
*And here's a note to myself when Wild Man and Z are adults with children and come to visit me and C: offer to babysit at least one night so that they and their respective partners can have a night off, especially if they aren't able to afford to hire a babysitter often. Seriously, in the 2 weeks we were with family, no one offered to babysit Wild Man so C and I could have some alone time. I get that they weren't willing to put him to bed as no one but me or C has ever put him to bed, but really, someone could have offered to watch him so we could have gone out to lunch or something. And given that no one offered in the first day or so, we didn't feel comfortable asking.
*And here's a note to myself when Wild Man and Z are adults with children and come to visit me and C: offer to babysit at least one night so that they and their respective partners can have a night off, especially if they aren't able to afford to hire a babysitter often. Seriously, in the 2 weeks we were with family, no one offered to babysit Wild Man so C and I could have some alone time. I get that they weren't willing to put him to bed as no one but me or C has ever put him to bed, but really, someone could have offered to watch him so we could have gone out to lunch or something. And given that no one offered in the first day or so, we didn't feel comfortable asking.
Sunday, January 04, 2009
Second pregnancies
I think this will become a recurring topic for me, as I am experiencing a second pregnancy. After Wild Man was born, I wrote a series of posts about things no one ever tells women about labor and childbirth, so I think I will write a series of posts about second pregnancies and things no one ever tells you.
For today, I want to share this little tidbit: being pregnant the second time around, especially when your older child is a toddler, is much, much harder than the first time.
For today, I want to share this little tidbit: being pregnant the second time around, especially when your older child is a toddler, is much, much harder than the first time.
Friday, January 02, 2009
Shopping Dilemmas: Which diaper bag do I buy?
For the past few days, C and I have been discussing baby purchases. We kept most of the things we used for Wild Man--or at least the ones he enjoyed. We have an infant car seat and stroller, a bouncy seat, two boppies (we lived in a two story town house when he was born, and with two, I didn't have to haul one up or down stairs; now that we're in a town house again, I'm so glad we have two), an activity mat and center, lots of infant toys, and an assortment of gender-neutral clothes as well as lots of Wild Man's clothes. We don't need to buy much: some bottles, breast pump accessories (I kept my breast pump), swaddling blankets (Wild Man wore his out), a Baby Bjorn (ditto for that), and some other minor things. I am seriously considering a co-sleeper as Wild Man ended up sleeping with us for the first six months of his life, but I think I can buy one second hand. Our biggest expense thus far won't be for Z but for Wild Man as we've decided to get him new furniture and let Z use his crib and dresser/changing table. Our reasoning behind this is that the nursery furniture is not top quality and is showing some signs of wear. I'd rather spend the money on decent futuniture that Wild Man can use for a while and then do the same when Z outgrows the crib/toddler bed.
There is one thing I definitely want to buy and that is a new diaper bag. I've used the one I got for Wild Man practically every day for two years, and while it is still in good shape, it is stained and a bit small for two kids. While I intend for Wild Man to be fully potty trained by the time Z is born, I will still want to carry some snacks and wipes for him with me. I want a bigger, more stylish diaper bag. I've found two that I like. One is a Mia Bossi bag which is fabulous; my friend Megs has one, although not this particular style, and she loves it. It is a very pricey, although I could use it after i stopped using it as a diaper bag if I purchased the laptop insert. I really love this bag, but I have to admit I'm not sure any diaper bag is worth $180. The other that I like is made by Kalencom, and while I don't love it, I do like it quite a lot. It is a more reasonable $70. While I doubt I'd use this after I stopped needing a diaper bag, I'm sure I'd carry this for at least two years, and for that length of time, I could easily justify $70. C, frankly, is no help. He reasons that $180 isn't that much for a bag that I'd carry almost every day for two years, and more if I spent an additional $70 for the laptop insert. Of course this is the same man that bought me a pink Juicy Couture bag on ebay one year for Christmas. He knows I love a trendy handbag, and as I don't spend money on much else, he really doesn't care if I spend money one a bag as long as it is one I will use (granted, I've bought myself 3 "expensive" bags in the past 2 years, and the most expensive was $65!). So I'm currently debating whether I indulge myself with the truly fabulous bag or whether I buy the cute bag. Of course, knowing me, I'll keep looking rather than make a decision.
There is one thing I definitely want to buy and that is a new diaper bag. I've used the one I got for Wild Man practically every day for two years, and while it is still in good shape, it is stained and a bit small for two kids. While I intend for Wild Man to be fully potty trained by the time Z is born, I will still want to carry some snacks and wipes for him with me. I want a bigger, more stylish diaper bag. I've found two that I like. One is a Mia Bossi bag which is fabulous; my friend Megs has one, although not this particular style, and she loves it. It is a very pricey, although I could use it after i stopped using it as a diaper bag if I purchased the laptop insert. I really love this bag, but I have to admit I'm not sure any diaper bag is worth $180. The other that I like is made by Kalencom, and while I don't love it, I do like it quite a lot. It is a more reasonable $70. While I doubt I'd use this after I stopped needing a diaper bag, I'm sure I'd carry this for at least two years, and for that length of time, I could easily justify $70. C, frankly, is no help. He reasons that $180 isn't that much for a bag that I'd carry almost every day for two years, and more if I spent an additional $70 for the laptop insert. Of course this is the same man that bought me a pink Juicy Couture bag on ebay one year for Christmas. He knows I love a trendy handbag, and as I don't spend money on much else, he really doesn't care if I spend money one a bag as long as it is one I will use (granted, I've bought myself 3 "expensive" bags in the past 2 years, and the most expensive was $65!). So I'm currently debating whether I indulge myself with the truly fabulous bag or whether I buy the cute bag. Of course, knowing me, I'll keep looking rather than make a decision.
A little lonesome
I just received a very supportive and encouraging email from my adviser, and all of a sudden I am missing Southwest College Town and all of our friends. I've been having a rough few days mentally with my dissertation, and as usual, my adviser helped me put things in perspective. I miss being able to meet with her to talk about these things, not only because she is a great adviser but because she is a great mentor and a good friend. Top that off with the sense of isolation both C and I have felt since we returned from our travels and viewing all the Christmas photos everyone has sent me, and I'm really missing my friends. Most days I really like our life in CU Land, but today, I'd like nothing better than to meet everyone for coffee and watch Wild Man run around the fountain with all of his friends.
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