I have a cryptic question, and I'm sorry, but I can't offer any more details at this point.
If you're concerned that a loved one's illness is beginning to have a serious and prolonged negative impact on their children, at what point do you step in and point this out to the loved one? Is there a way to do this tactfully without making the loved one feel like s/he is failing her/his children? Is it acceptable to say, "You need to focus on yourself right now. Perhaps it would be best for you if the kids stayed with X for a while"? Or is this something that is impossible to do with any kind of tact?
4 comments:
That's a tough one. I think the way you framed it here (you need to focus on yourself) is how I would do it--if I felt it was necessary to say such a thing. I think you'd need to be prepared for a negative reaction. Maybe also with some suggestions for getting help?
Wow, yeah. This is really hard and I don't think there's any way to do it without causing hurt. And yet not saying anything may not be an option, either.
The person is getting help. But she is dealing with an illness that she is having a hard time getting under control. I'm concerned that her children are being neglected while she struggles just to keep her head above water. They are teenagers, but they still need to be cared for.
Perhaps adding to what you'd already written something about how this would actually be beneficial to the kids too? All I"m thinking is that some moms might feel they have to keep their kids close by, even if they aren't doing the best job at the moment, because it's hard to see what else the kids might need. Making that kind of an appeal-what's good for the kids- in addition to one about taking care of herself might make it hit home.
I'd add further that if you can have others assist you in opening a dialogue, then it may help the person see that it's not just something that you're witnessing, but others are also seeing the same thing. I wouldn't gather a posse or anything, because you don't want your loved one to feel like she's being "ganged up on." But there's no way to avoid the possibility that such a conversation could be very hurtful and alienating, no matter how much tact you use. I think it will depend most on the kind of relationship you have...Do you have a history of success with similar conversations (i.e. telling this person things she doesn't necessarily want to hear?)? Has she ever done the same to you, and how have you reacted? How would you react if someone posed the same concern to you?
It's all very tricky, but you're right on the money that kids--no matter how old they are--need the attention, love, and active presence of healthy parents. I hope it works out.
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