My mom left on Saturday, and she did manage to make it to Home State safely. As soon as my dad heard her cough, however, he packed her up and took her to the doctor. As I wrote last week, she caught a cold while she was here (she catches a cold every time she comes to visit, now that I think of it), and she developed a severe cough quickly. This isn't that unusual. My mom had bronchitis a lot when she was a child, so she tends to develop a cough whenever she gets a cold. This was a really bad cough though. So bad that she woke herself and me up coughing several nights last week. I wanted to take her to the doctor (luckily, Mom is smart enough to buy travel insurance every time she comes to visit), but she refused. My dad made her go on Sunday though, and it turns out my mom has walking pneumonia. That upset me. Pneumonia is serious.
Beyond that, it also upsets me because it tells me that she isn't taking care of herself. She takes her medicine and goes to her appointments, but she doesn't exercise and she doesn't eat well. I'm not sure what to say or do about her health. I did try to speak to my dad about it, especially about my concerns with her memory. He just shut down, however. He has never responded well to anything that he perceives to be a criticism of my mother, so it isn't surprising that he wasn't willing to listen to my concerns. I also know that he thinks I overreact. I've been thinking about that a lot lately as well.
Am I overreacting? I don't know, maybe. Is this about me more than my mom? That is entirely possible. I've never been entirely comfortable with her diagnosis, primarily for three reasons. First, she never got a second opinion. I think that if a doctor diagnoses you with a mental illness that will require you to take multiple medications for the rest of your life you get a second opinion just to make sure. Second, if my mom does indeed have bipolar that means her illness went undiagnosed for a long time, perhaps for years if not decades. That has made me rethink a lot of my childhood. For example, does the diagnosis explain her severe anxiety over meeting new people and her hesitancy to let us have friends over when we were kids? Third, since the diagnosis, my mom has changed drastically. This one is the hardest on me. There are so many things we used to do that we no longer do. When I visited, we used to spend an entire day shopping and having lunch in our favorite area of Home City. We'd stay up late and talk. Archer and I would help her with little projects, like planting new flowers and hanging up pictures she'd had framed. We'd go for long walks around her neighborhood. We'd even get up early and go to breakfast with Archer and my dad. On the days that we stayed with Archer's family, I would often meet my mom somewhere for a few hours, which meant Archer and I both were able to spend one-on-one time with our families. Our visits are so different now, in large part because my mom is different. I could list all the differences, but I think it is enough to say that I have to drag her out of the house. More often than not if I want to go do something when I'm there, she says, "Just go without me. Take the boys and have fun. I'll be here when you get back."
That isn't the only thing I'm struggling with. I keep asking myself, "Am I just being selfish?" Maybe she is happier like this. She is certainly more even-keeled than I ever remember her being. She almost never gets annoyed with my dad for his stupid jokes or his unintentionally insensitive comments. She seems much less anxious, and she no longer gets upset about how we split our time between her and Archer's family. So part of me feels like I should accept her as she is instead of judging her, which is how she feels I treat her. If she's happy, and she says she is, should I just let it go and accept her as she is? Why is that so hard?
Showing posts with label Mom. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Mom. Show all posts
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Friday, June 24, 2011
My mom
My mom has been visiting all week. She arrived last Friday, and the ostensible purpose of the visit was so she could be here for Bear's birthday. When she arrived, she seemed to be in good shape. She was coherent, she was engaged, and she was present. She did mention that she has an appointment with a neurologist early next month as she has been experiencing some facial ticks that neither her psychiatrist nor her G.P. can figure out. I took that with a grain of salt as she has been under a lot of stress with her mother's death and some of my sister's and father's health issues. I immediately thought that perhaps the ticks are due to stress. We had a fairly good weekend, so I said to Archer, "You know, Mom seems to be in good shape. I think she's doing well." By Monday, it became clear, however, that she isn't doing as well as I thought.
She spent the morning house hunting with us, and by the afternoon, she was exhausted. She kept asking the same questions over and over again. When we took the boys by the house we really liked, she literally did not remember having been there less than 3 hours earlier. On Tuesday, she went with us to complete the paperwork to put in an offer on this house, but she sat in the car and slept. Wednesday she came to campus with me to help me unpack my office, which I finally have a key to. She fell asleep while I unpacked and organized, and eventually she asked me to take her back to my house. Keep in mind that Wednesday was Bear's birthday. We had planned to order pizza and have cupcakes, as we'd already had a small party for him over the weekend. When we arrived home after getting the boys, we found her still asleep. She'd taken a 3 hour nap, and she complained throughout the evening of not feeling well. She woke up yesterday with a cold, and she stayed home while Archer and I went to work and looked at more houses. This morning she went with us to look at houses again, but she stayed in the car for much of the morning. She is now back at our house resting. Tomorrow she goes home, and I'm really concerned about her ability to make it on the shuttle and through the airport, as she really doesn't seem to be with it.
Let me add a few things. My mother, as I've written before, is not a social person. She endured our good friend's daughter's birthday party last Saturday, as well as Bear's on Sunday (there were 6 children there, including Bear and Wild Man, along with 5 other adults). She went house hunting even though that is not her thing. She played with the boys a lot last weekend, but since Tuesday she has basically sat on the couch. She keeps calling Wild Man Bear and vice versa. She's called me by my sister's name about 10 times. If she had just seen my sister, I wouldn't find that so troubling, but she hasn't seen my sister since February. When I correct her, she honestly doesn't seem to realize her mistake. I last saw my mom in November at her mother's funeral, and she looks like she has aged 5 years.
I'm really worried about her. I know that her medication for her bipolar does cause some memory loss, but this memory loss seems extreme. She doesn't seem to be capable of doing anything for herself, and more to the point, she doesn't really seem interested in anything. I tried to talk to her about all of this, and I don't even know if she understood the questions I was asking her. Aside from all of that, I miss my mother. This person is so different from the mom I grew up with that in many, many ways I feel like I've lost my mother. I no longer know who this woman is, and while I cannot begin to imagine how she must feel, that is almost unbearable to me.
I have so much more to write, but for now, I'll just say has been a really rough week.
She spent the morning house hunting with us, and by the afternoon, she was exhausted. She kept asking the same questions over and over again. When we took the boys by the house we really liked, she literally did not remember having been there less than 3 hours earlier. On Tuesday, she went with us to complete the paperwork to put in an offer on this house, but she sat in the car and slept. Wednesday she came to campus with me to help me unpack my office, which I finally have a key to. She fell asleep while I unpacked and organized, and eventually she asked me to take her back to my house. Keep in mind that Wednesday was Bear's birthday. We had planned to order pizza and have cupcakes, as we'd already had a small party for him over the weekend. When we arrived home after getting the boys, we found her still asleep. She'd taken a 3 hour nap, and she complained throughout the evening of not feeling well. She woke up yesterday with a cold, and she stayed home while Archer and I went to work and looked at more houses. This morning she went with us to look at houses again, but she stayed in the car for much of the morning. She is now back at our house resting. Tomorrow she goes home, and I'm really concerned about her ability to make it on the shuttle and through the airport, as she really doesn't seem to be with it.
Let me add a few things. My mother, as I've written before, is not a social person. She endured our good friend's daughter's birthday party last Saturday, as well as Bear's on Sunday (there were 6 children there, including Bear and Wild Man, along with 5 other adults). She went house hunting even though that is not her thing. She played with the boys a lot last weekend, but since Tuesday she has basically sat on the couch. She keeps calling Wild Man Bear and vice versa. She's called me by my sister's name about 10 times. If she had just seen my sister, I wouldn't find that so troubling, but she hasn't seen my sister since February. When I correct her, she honestly doesn't seem to realize her mistake. I last saw my mom in November at her mother's funeral, and she looks like she has aged 5 years.
I'm really worried about her. I know that her medication for her bipolar does cause some memory loss, but this memory loss seems extreme. She doesn't seem to be capable of doing anything for herself, and more to the point, she doesn't really seem interested in anything. I tried to talk to her about all of this, and I don't even know if she understood the questions I was asking her. Aside from all of that, I miss my mother. This person is so different from the mom I grew up with that in many, many ways I feel like I've lost my mother. I no longer know who this woman is, and while I cannot begin to imagine how she must feel, that is almost unbearable to me.
I have so much more to write, but for now, I'll just say has been a really rough week.
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Are you my mother?
My mom called today for our weekly chat (yes, that's right. My mom and I only talk once a week. If I call her any other day, she immediately thinks something is wrong. Seriously. She seems my number on the Caller ID and answers the phone saying, "Are you ok? Are the boys ok? What's wrong, M?"). As we were getting off the phone, she said, "Oh, by the way, I booked a ticket to come visit for Bear's birthday." I said, "Um, what?" She said, "I booked a ticket. I'll be in CU Land for Bear's birthday. If you sell the house by then, I can stay longer and help you pack." I wanted to say, "Are you my mother?" Instead, I said, "That's great! I can't wait to see you."
Now, why did I want to say, "Are you my mother?" In the almost 13 years since I've lived in my Home State, my mom has come to see me many times. Almost every time she flies, so in 13 years, we're talking about 12 visits or so (there was a 2-year period when we lived in the Northeast that she didn't visit for various reasons). Every single time I've gone on-line and booked her ticket for her, using her credit card number. I even booked her ticket in February when she flew to the Midwest to stay with my sister, who had a depressive episode due to bipolar. Yes, I live in Canada, my mother lives in the South, and my sister lives in the Midwest. And I booked my mother's plane ticket to fly to my sister's. So when my mom told me she booked her ticket to come see us all by herself, I was more than a little surprised. I was downright shocked. When I told Archer, he said, "Say what?" I can't express how proud I am of my mom, and I said as much to her. I'm thrilled that she did this for herself, and I'm even more thrilled that we'll have some family here to celebrate Bear's birthday.
Now, why did I want to say, "Are you my mother?" In the almost 13 years since I've lived in my Home State, my mom has come to see me many times. Almost every time she flies, so in 13 years, we're talking about 12 visits or so (there was a 2-year period when we lived in the Northeast that she didn't visit for various reasons). Every single time I've gone on-line and booked her ticket for her, using her credit card number. I even booked her ticket in February when she flew to the Midwest to stay with my sister, who had a depressive episode due to bipolar. Yes, I live in Canada, my mother lives in the South, and my sister lives in the Midwest. And I booked my mother's plane ticket to fly to my sister's. So when my mom told me she booked her ticket to come see us all by herself, I was more than a little surprised. I was downright shocked. When I told Archer, he said, "Say what?" I can't express how proud I am of my mom, and I said as much to her. I'm thrilled that she did this for herself, and I'm even more thrilled that we'll have some family here to celebrate Bear's birthday.
Monday, February 21, 2011
Thanks Mom and Dad
With a great deal of apprehension, I called my parents late last week and told them about the good news we received from CU. My parents don't really get the world of academia, and they struggle with us being so far away, my mom especially. So I didn't tell them right away because I wanted some time with the news before they (potentially) said something that upset me.
I am happy to report that I was pleasantly surprised. My dad was enthusiastic and congratulatory, but as usual, he passed the phone to my mom very quickly. She was really, really excited, even tearing up a little bit when she told me how happy she is for us and how proud she is of me. She asked a lot of questions about teaching load, TAs, grad classes, and office space--stuff I had no idea she really knew about. I mean, I've told her about all of these things, and she has been here for 2 weeks during the fall for the last 2 years. I think those visits gave her some understanding of how time consuming the job search has been, how my time to focus on my own projects is limited by all the prep and grading I do, and how much I want my own office. She did ask if I'll be making more money, and when I said yes, she asked, "Does that mean you'll be able to come for visits more often?" To which I also said yes. I know that is important to her, but I really appreciated that she waited until after she asked all the other questions to ask this particular question. I ended the conversation really happy that I told them rather than wait.
Archer also shared the news with Yetta and Pita. I will say that they offered me congratulations. Yetta's only questions, however, focused on whether Archer and I will continue to go on the job market every year to get positions closer to Home State. Oh well, at least my parents were happy for us.
I am happy to report that I was pleasantly surprised. My dad was enthusiastic and congratulatory, but as usual, he passed the phone to my mom very quickly. She was really, really excited, even tearing up a little bit when she told me how happy she is for us and how proud she is of me. She asked a lot of questions about teaching load, TAs, grad classes, and office space--stuff I had no idea she really knew about. I mean, I've told her about all of these things, and she has been here for 2 weeks during the fall for the last 2 years. I think those visits gave her some understanding of how time consuming the job search has been, how my time to focus on my own projects is limited by all the prep and grading I do, and how much I want my own office. She did ask if I'll be making more money, and when I said yes, she asked, "Does that mean you'll be able to come for visits more often?" To which I also said yes. I know that is important to her, but I really appreciated that she waited until after she asked all the other questions to ask this particular question. I ended the conversation really happy that I told them rather than wait.
Archer also shared the news with Yetta and Pita. I will say that they offered me congratulations. Yetta's only questions, however, focused on whether Archer and I will continue to go on the job market every year to get positions closer to Home State. Oh well, at least my parents were happy for us.
Friday, June 26, 2009
My mom
My mom leaves Sunday, and that makes me really sad. My mom has been here for 2 weeks, and she's been great. She's done all the stuff around the house that she could since she's been here so I could focus on Wild Man before Z's arrival and both boys after Z's arrival. She kept Wild Man calm the evening I went into labor, and she's taken Z every morning so I could go back to sleep and C could get Wild Man ready for school. On top of all of that, we had a week together before Z's birth, and we talked about a lot of stuff that has happened in the past few years. I feel like we understand each other a lot better now. I understand a bit more how hard it was for her when she was first diagnosed with bi-polar and she undersands a bit more how hard it was for me to deal with her diagnosis. I really wish she didn't have to go, and she wanted to extend her ticket. Doing so cost more than either one of us could afford right now, unfortunately. She may come back in August, and she'll definitely be here for Wild Man's birthday in October. In addition to giving birth to a wonderful baby, I also feel like I've gotten my mom back.
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Scheduled
I spoke with my midwife this morning and scheduled an induction for June 28th. Scheduling an induction means that I will have to be transferred out of my midwife's care into that of an ob/gyn. My midwife encouraged me to wait one more day because the doctor on call on the 28th is a doctor whom she has worked with before and who is willing to allow her to be a part of the induction process. Not all ob/gyns are willing to include midwives in the process. My midwife also seems to think that this doctor would be willing to try just breaking my water rather than giving me pitocin or other drugs first. When I had an emergency induction with Wild Man, my then ob/gyn only had to break my water. 4 1/2 hours later Wild Man was born. This suggests my body will go into labor on its own with this single intervention. I'd really like to go this route as I may not have to deal with pitocin and will be able to have an unmedicated birth. I'm not sure what will happen if I have pitocin. I also have a series of appointments scheduled for next week in the event that I do have to be induced. This is making for some crazy conversations and contigency plans.
I do have to say though that it has been really nice to have this time with my mom. We've been shopping, she's helped me hem curtains, we've organized Z's closet, and we've been out to lunch several times. On top of that, she's done all my laundry, done the dishes every day, and played with Wild Man until he's collapsed on the floor in giggles. We also had a long conversation about my expectations once the baby gets here, and before I could even say much she told me she thinks it is more important for her to focus on Wild Man so I can focus on the baby. Since she isn't comfortable driving around a new city, she said she thinks it will be better if C handles errands and things like that. This is precisely what I had in mind anyway, so it all works out very well. It seems a lot of my worrying about her was unfounded. She isn't as energetic as the mom I grew up with, but she is definitely more together and present than she was right after Wild Man was born. Even if she is only here for a few days after Z is born, I will not feel like this was a wasted visit sine we've already had such a good time together.
I do have to say though that it has been really nice to have this time with my mom. We've been shopping, she's helped me hem curtains, we've organized Z's closet, and we've been out to lunch several times. On top of that, she's done all my laundry, done the dishes every day, and played with Wild Man until he's collapsed on the floor in giggles. We also had a long conversation about my expectations once the baby gets here, and before I could even say much she told me she thinks it is more important for her to focus on Wild Man so I can focus on the baby. Since she isn't comfortable driving around a new city, she said she thinks it will be better if C handles errands and things like that. This is precisely what I had in mind anyway, so it all works out very well. It seems a lot of my worrying about her was unfounded. She isn't as energetic as the mom I grew up with, but she is definitely more together and present than she was right after Wild Man was born. Even if she is only here for a few days after Z is born, I will not feel like this was a wasted visit sine we've already had such a good time together.
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