Job Frustration

I met with the chair of one of the departments that I am appointed in.  Although I know her, she is new to the chair's position, and she was on leave when I was appointed.  Thus, we hadn't spoken since I'd been appointed as my leave had already started by the time she got back from her leave.  It was an interesting meeting.  She gave me some tips on securing tenure, took a look at my CV, and reassured me I don't have to change my research area.  She then told me what I more or less already knew: I will be teaching the huge introductory survey often.  I'm not thrilled with this, but whatever.  I can handle it.  I then told her about the travel course I designed and received $17,000 to run from a grant that I worked on for several months last fall.  She was pleased, but a bit taken aback.  There is, apparently, no way the class can work in this department.  Long story short: the class is an underwater basket weaving class, this isn't an underwater basket weaving department.  In fact, I am not appointed in a department that teaches underwater basket weaving.  It seems that neither of these departments is particularly interested in me teaching this class.  It also seems I will be having a long conversation with the dean about this particular situation. 

Not my best

That is how I feel today, not my best.  So I'm blogging during my scheduled writing time in an attempt to get out of my funk.  Why am I in a funk?  It's been a difficult few days for lots of reasons.

Bear's sleeping habits have improved (as in he is no longer waking up every 2 hours), but he still wakes up incredibly early.  This morning, for example, he woke up at 4:30.  He doesn't want to be awake this early, but he won't go back to sleep without help.  And that help, it seems, must come from me.  This is a fairly recent thing, since the move.  Until then, Archer and I had worked out a really great schedule for dealing with Bear.  We simply alternated mornings and nights.  If it was my night to get up with Bear, Archer got up with him in the morning and vice versa.  This meant that we both got enough sleep.  Mind you, we were both tired, but neither of us was exhausted.  At some point following the move, however, Bear has refused to let Archer soothe him in the night.  This means that Archer tries, and Bear screams bloody murder at the top of his lungs.  I can't sleep through this, and to avoid both of us being completely exhausted, I've gotten in the habit of just getting up with Bear.  As I said, most nights this is fine, and most mornings it is as well since he's gotten into the habit of sleeping until 6:00.  This morning, though, it wasn't.  Wednesday night I'd been up twice with Wild Man, who first wanted a drink and then needed to go pee.  Each time I was woken up it took me about 30 minutes to go back to sleep.  Then I was up early with Bear as it was my morning to do so.  Thus, this morning I was hoping to get some extra sleep.  It didn't happen.

After struggling to get Bear to go back to sleep for about 15 minutes, I finally brought him into our bed, as I didn't want him to wake up Wild Man (they are now sharing a bedroom).  After another 15 minutes, most of which Archer slept through (although he says he was awake, I argue that his snoring indicated otherwise), I got up to take Bear downstairs to see if he'd relax on the couch.  Archer woke up and asked me if I wanted him to take over.  Now, I hate this question.  Hate it.  And Archer and I have talked about this.  If he can see I'm struggling and at my wit's end, I'd rather he just take over.  I don't want him to ask me that question because in such a moment I'm not going to respond nicely.  As much as I mean to say, "Yes, please, thank you.  I really need a break," in such a moment, when I'm tired and frustrated and unhappy with my own behavior, I'm going to say something like, "Of course I want you to take over.  Do you really have to ask that question?"  That's what I said at 5:30 this morning.  And it didn't go over well.  Understandably, Archer doesn't like to be snapped at when he's offering to help.  I get that.  He said something like, "You don't have to be such a martyr, M.  Just ask for help."  That, of course, made it worse.  So I grabbed Bear and went downstairs, telling Archer I'd take care of it.  So I was now annoyed and frustrated and tired. 

I finally got Bear back to sleep at 5:30, and he slept until 6:30.  Between his wiggles and the cat deciding 5:45 was the perfect time for a snuggle, I didn't get much sleep.  When Bear woke up at 6:30, I woke up Archer and asked him if I could have a break.  He happily took over, and I lied down.  He forgot, however, to close our bedroom door all the way, which meant that I heard him turn on the coffee grinder 5 minutes later, just as I was dropping off to sleep.  So I got up and closed the door all the way, and that annoyed me more.  To be fair to Archer, our house is old.  Unless you close the door all the way, it will fall open again.  Neither of us is used to this yet, as we've only been in the house for 3 weeks.  I know he didn't do that on purpose, but again, in that moment, it really irritated me.

When I woke up at 7:10 I went downstairs, still tired and annoyed and frustrated.  I expected that Archer would have finished packing Wild Man's lunch, which I'd started packing the night before.  But no.  He'd hung out with Bear.  So I started doing the 45 things that are part of our morning routine.  He came into the kitchen to say good morning, and I rolled my eyes at him.  He knew why I was upset, so he said, "I was coming to do all of those things now that you're awake.  I know you can hear all the activity from the kitchen in our room.  Since you'd been up since 4:30 I wanted to give you a bit more time to sleep.  Let me do that."  To which I said, "Well you could have had all this stuff done if you'd just take the time to close the bedroom door all the way."  Archer walked away, understandably so, and left me to finish everything. 

We managed the rest of the morning routine without speaking to each other, which sucks.  It sucks even more because Bear is knee-deep in the terrible twos, and we normally get through his crankiness by laughing together.  This morning we were barely looking at each other.  On the way to school, I apologized.  I said, "I'm really sorry I snapped and that I was being so unreasonable.  I know you were trying to help me.  I now you probably feel like I treat you as though you never do anything right, and I'm sorry for that.  I'm really sorry I make you feel that way."  He nodded, but he didn't really respond.  I know he needs more time to process everything, and I know everything will be fine by this afternoon.  I'm just so tired of feeling tired and frustrated, and I feel like crap for taking those feelings out on Archer.

A brief rant

One of my very best friends in the world--a person who has been my friend since 5th grade and is the only person from high school that I go out of my way to keep up with--is getting married in October.  This person, whom I'll call Prudence (a reference she'll get, I think), was my maid-of-honor when Archer and I got married, so there is absolutely no way I am missing this wedding.  That said, the wedding is in a hard-to-get-to location, and it will take place in the middle of the fall semester, both of which make it difficult and expensive for our entire family to go.  Originally we had planned that I would go by myself while Archer stayed home with the boys.  After some investigating, I discovered that it wouldn't be terribly expensive for Archer to come with me, provided we could find someone to stay with the boys for about 4 days.  So I mentioned this to him.  He loved the idea--especially since we haven't had a night alone together since Wild Man was born almost 5 years ago.  We discussed our options for childcare, which are somewhat limited.  We decided, against my own reservations, that Pita and Yetta were the best choice, so we asked them if they would come up to CU Land to care for the boys so we could go to the wedding.  They immediately agreed, provided Pita could get the time off of work.  Archer and I began making tentative plans to attend the wedding.  The plans, however, have gotten increasingly complicated.  And to be honest, I don't know why I'm surprised as everything involving Yetta and Pita gets complicated.

In the past 5 days, Yetta has called every single day to ask us when the wedding is (you know, because Prudence and her fiance change the date every 5 minutes), how long we'll be gone, and when we need them here.  Whatever.  I can handle this mainly because I'm not the one on the phone with her.  Apparently she called Archer earlier this morning to ask one more question: "Is there anyway you could come to Home State first and leave the boys here with us?"  Um, how in the hell would that work?  The wedding is in, as I said, an out of the way location, so doing this would necessitate that we buy 4 plane tickets to Home State, drop the boys off, and then, having purchased 2 tickets to the wedding location, fly there.  Then we'd have to do the exact reverse--all in 4 days.  Plus, we'd have to pull Wild Man out of school and haul all of their stuff to Home State.  I mean, seriously, on what planet is this even practical? 

Why would Yetta ask if this was possible?  Well, she is likely more comfortable in her own home than in ours, and it also seems that she is not sure Pita can get the time off.  So she wants to ensure we are able to go to the wedding, and in her mind, bringing the boys to her makes the most sense.  And no, she will not come take care of the boys on her own--we wouldn't even ask her because we don't think she's physically up to it.  Archer just suggested asking my mom, who would happily come and could (more or less) manage it, except she refuses to drive in CU Land.  Thus, the boys would be trapped in the house with her for 4 days, and Wild Man would still miss school.

Really, I just want to go to Prudence's wedding--with my husband.  Is that too much to ask?  Is it wrong to hire Bear's teacher, our go-to babysitter, for 4 days? 

Ugh

Due to a mistake on the part of the rep in Human Resources and my ignorance about the Canadian system, it turns out that I do not qualify for maternity leave benefits. I'm feeling a little sick to my stomach right now as that affects our income for the summer, although not drastically. C will still begin leave in a few weeks, and thanks to his full-time position at the university, he is assured of benefits.

There are some positive things to remember, which I'm trying to focus on rather than having an all out break down, which I'm sure would be fueled by my post-partum state of mind. We have enough in savings to see us through till the fall when I will be getting paid again. I recently found out that I will be teaching 3 courses in as many departments this year (well, 3 in the fall term, and 2 in the spring term), which will significantly improve our income and mean that we'll be able to replenish our savings fairly quickly. We also got a sizable amount back in income taxes which will help see us through. But knowing that this is due to the fact that someone forgot to check something soon enough and that I didn't know to ask the right questions is very, very upsetting.

A Frustrating Monday

Mondays, in general, are difficult at our house. Wild Man is home with us, effectively giving us a three-day weekend. I really like the extra time I get with Wild Man, and we always try to do something fun, even if we don't leave the house. When we first moved to CU Land, I tried to do limit the time I work on Mondays to Wild Man's naptime, but as the deadline for my dissertation defense draws closer, I've had to spend the better part of Monday working while C and Wild Man do other stuff. Typically, C doesn't have to be on campus on Mondays, and as a rule, he doesn't schedule meetings on Mondays so he can stay home while I work. Today, however, he was supposed to go to campus to attend a ceremony for one of his honors students. Since he was going to be on campus anyway, he agreed to meet with two students shortly before the ceremony. I knew about this well in advance, so, although I wasn't happy with it, I was prepared for it. We had agreed that he would take Wild Man out to the park or the indoor playground for the morning while I worked. C would then help get Wild Man down for a nap before heading to campus for the rest of the afternoon.

Well, on Friday, C received an email saying the ceremony had been rescheduled for Tuesday. As soon as he told me of the change, I asked him if he could reschedule his other meetings so I could have more than a few hours to work. Well, in the rush of Friday afternoon (he had a lecture and a reception to attend), he forgot to email his students, and by the time he remembered, he felt like it was too late to reschedule. I would have preferred he rescheduled, but whatever. I had already planned for the day, so it wasn't a huge issue.

Let's say it has become a huge issue. Out of a day in which I was promised a solid 3 hours of work before C had to leave and Wild Man had to go down for a nap, I got an hour and a half, which was interrupted 3 times (each time, Wild Man and C were coming in or out of the house; now that my office is on the ground floor, I have to deal with these sorts of interruptions if I'm working while they're home). On top of that, Wild Man refused to go down for his nap easily, and although he is now asleep, he took 45 minutes to get down. Instead of helping with naptime, as he promised he would, C did some prep for his meetings. When I expressed my frustration, he had the audacity to say, "I don't understand what's wrong. I took Wild Man out to the park so you could get work done."

Today's lesson: go to Starbucks to get work done rather than stay at home.

Job frustration

My friends who know me well know that I don't always deal with change very well. I am, by nature, a creature of routine. I like to know when things are going to happen so that I can plan. Of course, the fact that I've chosen to pursue a career in academia means that there is often a lot of uncertainty in my life.

As I wrote last week, the job situation is not good at CU, at least not for me. I met with Dr. Feminist last week, and she has been able to earmark one course for me next year, in the spring. She can't guarantee anything for the fall because of budget limitations. She told me that she was able to give me two courses this year because the Dean had "found" the money, which I knew. But this year's assignments didn't come with any guarantee that the Dean would "find" money again, which I didn't know. Let me clarify: I knew that I primarily got hired because of C, and frankly, I was (and am) ok with that. But I knew that I would only continue teaching at CU because of me; C may have gotten me in the door, but I am the one who has to keep me hear and, ultimately, turn the job into a tenure-track line. The Dean (who is, of course, no longer the Dean) did, however, lead us to believe that there would be a few years of part-time funding for me since she realized that me teaching here was a retention issue for C. It seems that this wasn't the case. The money was guaranteed only for this year, and now if Women's Studies wants to keep hiring me to teach part-time, they have to lobby the new Dean for money. Well, since I've been hired, the economy has gone to crap, and CU is at the end of a budget cycle. Deans and department heads across the board are starting to be conservative with their spending as they have no guarantees from the Canadian government what sort of funding they will get for the next 3-year budget cycle.

So what does this mean for us? Dr. Nice Guy, C's department head, was told point blank by the new Dean that she couldn't come up with any money for me, either for a term-appointment or a tenure-track line, unless C was in a position to leave. Meaning either one or both of us has to get a job at a comparable school and use that as leverage to get me a tenure-track job in either Women's Studies or English. I know all you academics are thinking: not so unusual. Well, this is actually a bit unusual for CU, which has a history of partner placement. In fact, both Dr. Nice Guy and the previous Dean had told C on multiple occasions (before he accepted the job) that I probably wouldn't have to have a job offer to secure a tenure track line at CU. He was told over and over again that they value their employees, have strong retention policies, and have high rates of partner placement. While I never really believed this (it seemed too good to be true), it did provide us both with a modicum of comfort. Now it seems that we will have to do things the old-fashioned way.

So why is this a source of so much frustration, since I knew inherently all along that this is the route we'd have to go? For two reasons. First, I'm now in the position of not having a teaching position for the fall. I am, of course, already looking. I'm being pro-active, which isn't always something I'm great at. I've already contacted the head of the English Department (the whole reason I didn't get courses there this year was because they had already hired all their part-time people by the time C was offered the job), and he has seemed very receptive. I have a meeting with him next week. Second, C loves his job. As nervous as he was about taking a position at an R1, he loves it, as I knew he would. He's already been asked to present at his field's major conference next spring, submitted an internal grant for research money, and proposed a major curiculum change for his department. On top of that, he has been solicited by a publisher to turn his dissertation into a book, and he actually has time to work on a book prospectus. He has also started working on an article. Because he was teaching a 4-4 load and commuting an hour each way, he didn't have time to do these things when he was lecturing at the small liberal arts college near Southwest College Town, a job that was slowly sucking the life out of him. In short, my husband is flourishing here. I don't want to be the reason he has to leave CU. I honestly don't see myself getting a job at a comparable school the first year on the market, which will be next year. And given the nature of my field and the economy, I am fully aware it will likely take me two years (if not more) to even get an offer. All of which means, I will be facing some job uncertainty for a while. It's times like these when I ask myself: M, why didn't you go to nursing school?

Warning: Pity Party Ahead

Well, it is Thursday again, and I'm feeling blah. I honestly don't know what other word to use. That's not true either. I'm feeling tired, frustrated, uninspired, annoyed, lonely, and a whole host of other things. So I'm issuing a fair warning; you're entering the throws of a pity party in which I attempt to be rational.

First, let me say this: I am seriously displeased with my reaction to this move and how my reaction is making my husband feel. I have been (and often continue to be) incredibly selfish. Before we left Southwest College Town I was so focused on my dissertation and on my feelings about the move that I honestly forgot to say "C, how are you doing? I know this is a huge life change for you. What can I do to make it better for you?" And considering all the things he did to make the move easier on me, I feel really terrible about that. We've talked about that a lot, and I've apologized a lot. He seems to understand, but I don't think he's forgiven me. Every time I get upset or I complain about something he says, "I'm sorry you feel that way. I wish I could fix it since it is my fault." He truly thinks I blame him for everything I'm feeling right now, and no matter how much I tell him I'm not upset with him in anyway at all, he doesn't believe me. So I'm seriously working on being a better wife.

Second, for all my whirlwind of emotions, I really, really like CU Land. This is a wonderful city--aside from the very annoying traffic that is largely the cause of poor city planning. There are lots of beautiful parks, 3 great farmer's markets (1 of which is open all year round), and lots of family oriented activities. We've taken Wild Man somewhere different every Saturday to do something he's never done before. And this weekend is no exception: at his request, we're planning to take him on a ride on one of the city buses (yes, I know this seems odd, but every time we go out we see about 50 buses. Wild Man declares "Big bus, Mommy! My turn to ride!" Apparently on the way to school this morning, he told C "Daddy, me ride big bus!"). We're also investigating the possibility of taking him horseback riding since he's recently become obsessed with horses. Where CU Land is lacking, for me, is the opportunity to meet new people. Unlike with our move to Southwest College Town, where I had a core group of good friends within 2 months of arriving there, I already know it will be difficult for me to meet people here. I have met one cool person, but she commutes 3 hours and is only in CU Land 3 days a week. C, on the other hand, has met lots of people in his department and even went out for beers with a few last weekend. Most of the people in his department, however, don't have kids, so although I was included in the invitation, they didn't think to issue the invitation early enough in the week for us to get a babysitter. My solution to this is to be more proactive and to get out of my shell a bit more. Mrs. Nice Guy takes yoga classes every Monday evening, so I'm going to call her this weekend to get the info on that. I'm also going to make more of an effort to get to know Blue & Brown-Eyed Girls' Mom, with whom I've had lots of nice chats with when I run into her when we're both corralling our toddlers outside. I know this part of life will get better too, but it will take effort on my part. Frankly I miss being able to pick up the phone and say "Hey, Supadiscomama, Harrogate, P-duck, L, Sarah, Ms. Reads, and/or any of my other friends in Southwest College Town do you want to go do anything?"

Third, I'm feeling a bit marginalized in my department. Nothing has gone right in terms of me getting set up there. I don't feel like anything has been explained to me in terms of office policy, and therefore, I keep asking the wrong person questions--and namely the wrong person is the lead admin assistant, who frankly, is a bit off-putting and not remotely helpful. For example, I asked this person, who is also new to the department, about passwords and keys. She tersely emailed me back telling me she didn't know that information and told me who to ask. I clearly offended her by asking that questions, but then, I had no idea she wouldn't know the answer. I'm learning some things are cultural--like not returning emails or phone calls right away. In the States, when I make a phone call or send an email, I generally get a response right away, even if the response is only "I received your call/email. I'll get back to you as soon as I can." Here, people don't get back to you until they are able to answer your question, which means I often don't get responses for a week, which I find really annoying. I understand it might take awhile to answer my question, but could you at least let me know that you've received the question?

Fourth, Wild Man is not sleeping well. Rather he's waking up between 3 & 4 times a night and needing help going back to sleep, which means I'm not sleeping well as he wants nothing to do with C in the middle of the night. This has made it virtually impossible to get us all on a morning schedule as I find myself need an extra hour of sleep in the morning to even make it through the day. Every night I set my alarm for 6:30 and tell myself this will be the morning I get up and get dressed and ready before I wake Wild Man and C up at 7:00. And every night as I crawl back into bed at 3:30 (or whatever time) I turn the alarm off because I know I'll be too exhausted to wake up at 6:30. So this morning we all slept until 7:30, and when I finally woke up, I then had to prod C awake (which irritates me to no end!). I then had to rush us all through breakfast and our other morning routines to ensure that Wild Man and C were ready to leave at 8:30 to avoid most of the morning traffic to get Wild Man to school before 9 so he wouldn't miss morning snack (I've decided to work from home on Thursdays). I like the mornings to be calm and quiet. I don't enjoy feeling like a drill sergeant. I also don't enjoy going through the day half-asleep. I feel like I have a newborn again. C and I have talked about this too, and other than letting Wild Man cry it out, neither of us is sure how to get him back to sleeping through the night.

Fifth, none of this is making me want to work on my dissertation, which is the most annoying thing I am experiencing right now. I'm so flipping close to finishing this Phelps chapter, and frankly I need to move on if I'm going to meet my other deadlines and defend on time.

So that's where I am and how I'm feeling right now. Tomorrow will be better I know. Heck, if I can get something done today, today will be better. Ok, I'm going to refill my coffee cup and get to work.

Nice, real nice

I'm feeling more than a bit frustrated with my status (or lack thereof) at CU. So I realize I'm only a lecturer, and I also realize that the primary reason anyone even looked at my CV--let alone allowed me to create 2 cool courses to teach over the next year--is because the dean really wanted to hire C. Fine, I can accept that. I do not expect anything fancy at all. Hell, I'm a grad student. I wouldn't know what to do with anything fancy. What I do expect is to have my contract processed in a timely manner so that I can prep the course these people hired me to teach. Yes, that's right, I turned my contract in the day after Wild Man and I arrived in CU Land--on August 8th. And today is September 2nd, and classes start this week. My contract still has not been processed. What does this mean do you ask? It means that I cannot

• establish a CU Land email account.
• open up a CU Land turnitin.com account.
• establish a CU Land Web CT account.
• check books out from the CU Land library.
• request articles from the CU Land library.

I was finally able to get keys to my office today because the admin assistant in my office decided to help me out. Oh, and yes, that's right. I paid a $25 deposit per key that I received for a total of $75. Nice, real nice.

Thanksgiving

Next week, C, Wild Man, and I are traveling to visit our families for the Thanksgiving holiday. The past few days have been incredibly stressful (including quite a few tears for me) for both of us as we try to negotiate with our families (well, primarily C's mom and sister) a visiting schedule. Every time we visit our families, we go through this process. We try to split the time as evenly as possible, but as I've discussed before, my family is laid-back to the point of passivity while C's family likes to plan things months in advance. C & I generally sit down and decide what nights were staying with whom, and since Wild Man's birth, we no longer move back and forth every night. We stay with one family half the time, and with the other the remainder. In my mind, this means that the days that correspond with those nights are reserved for which ever family we're staying with. Unfortunately, C's family (again, primarily his mom and sister) don't agree. Once he shares this schedule with them, they inevitably say "I want to do x on x day," regardless of whether it is a day earmarked for my family or not.

The planning for this visit has been particularly tense as my mom actually wanted to host Thanksgiving dinner this year. In the past, when we've been in our Home State for holidays, we've tried to get our two families together for the holiday dinner as it is easier than having 2 dinners and it makes it less stressful for everyone. Despite the tension around planning, our families actually get along together fairly well (at least when they're in the same room!). My mom, however, is not a big "party person," so she prefers to let C's mom host. This year, however, my mom wanted to host for a variety of reasons, the most of important to her and me is that I haven't eaten a holiday meal in my natal home in over 8 years. She was more than willing to have C's entire family over, and even 2 family friends who are always included in their holiday dinners. This, for whatever reason, was unacceptable to C's mom. She couldn't wrap her mind around this, so she went ahead and made plans to have Thanksgiving dinner at her house. Although both my mom and I were disappointed, we agreed to have dinner there. Then my sister unexpectedly announced that she and her 2 kids were flying in for the holiday. I was ecstatic, and my mom still has no idea as my sister wants to surprise her (for the record, I think these sorts of surprises are a bad idea!). The catch: my sister wants to have Thanksgiving dinner at my parents' house. Totally cool with me, even though it means that C, Wild Man, & I will have to attend two dinners. The problem: C's mom is totally obsessing about what time my family is eating and making it very clear that she cannot move the time of her dinner either up or back to accommodate anyone--not even her grandson's schedule. So we adjusted. My family is eating very early, and we will only be spending about 2 hours with C's family as we have to account for Wild Man's nap and bedtime. Frustrating yes, but not the end of the world (admittedly, I'm saying this after I ranted and raved for about 30 minutes to my sister). In the end, my m-i-l is only hurting herself by refusing to compromise.

Now that I've gotten all of that out--I found it oddly cathartic to put all of that down in a logical, rational way, avoiding all the torrent of emotions I've been feeling about the visit. I am looking forward to a lot of things with this visit.

Wild Man gets to meet his maternal cousins for the first time.

C & I get to see our niece and nephew for the first time in almost 2 1/2 years.

My entire family will be under the same roof for the first time in almost 2 1/2 years--minus my brother-in-law who couldn't get time off for the trip.

I get to see my niece's latest hair-do in person (she's 13, and her hair has been 5 colors in as many months!).


We're taking Wild Man to a Famous Park that I loved as a child.

I get to eat at my favorite restaurant in the whole world.

I'm going out to dinner and who knows what else with my best friend (the woman I've known since we were 8!).

It never ends. . .

C's mother is in the hospital, and we're not sure why. She may have had a minor heart attack, but we won't know until later today. She does have pulmonary fibrosis, which is a lung disease, and she is getting over a very bad chest cold. Her lungs and heart may be responding to the cold. We're both upset. C's mom isn't in great health, but most of her health problems could be improved if she lost weight, exercised, and ate better. Needless to say, she doesn't do these things.

And despite my worry over my mother-in-law, I am left feeling like it never ends. C mailed his dissertation to his committee on Tuesday; we were looking forward to a few quiet weeks before he had to start gearing up for his defense. We were excited because he wasn't going to be in front of the computer almost all day every day, and then we got the phone call telling us about this. Since we're so far away, we spent most of yesterday on the phone with C's brother, and now we have to determine if we need to make another emergency trip to see them. Is it wrong of me to feel like we can't catch our breath?

And this morning I called my sister to have someone to talk to about my frustration, worry, and emotional exhaustion. I didn't get the comfort I was hoping for; instead, I got a lecture on how C's mom didn't get sick to inconvenience me. So on top of the guilt I already feel for my frustration with this particular family situation, I got chastised like I am a child by my older sister, who then yelled at me when I tried to explain that I only wanted her to listen. Now I am in my office crying, and my relatively good mood is shot.

I'm still feeling sorry for myself.

Sounding board

So as those of you who read this blog and offer many helpful comments have become my sounding board for me and my frustrations regarding C's dissertation, I am, logically, his sounding board. In all honesty, (and yes, C and I have discussed this!) I'm tired of his dissertation. For the past 6 months if we're not talking about S and family issues, we're talking about C's diss and his job search. I honestly don't feel like I can talk about Colonial Merida one more time or the implications of the facade he's focused on. And I know he's tired of it too. I guess I'm feeling a little whiny. I want C's feedback on my work--I want to talk about me for awhile.

One of the things I love the most about our relationship is that we give each other great feedback on each other's work. He has read my proposal several times, and now I want him to read the work I've done on the first chapter I'm working on (ok, so it's only 5 pages). I just don't feel justified in asking him to do it. I so, so, so want him to get finished that I've put a lot on hold because this is what is right for my family. But I'm still a little frustrated. I do have other people who could read it, but the 5 pages are in the "stupid" phase. There are a very select number of people whom I ask to read my work when it is in the "stupid" phase, and that number is 1.

To add to the stress, C's mother (whom I get along quite well with) is in town for the week, and she is spoiling the pants off of S--as much as you can spoil a 4.5 month old. At least I won't have to buy the kid clothes until the end of the summer. . .