Just thought I'd tell everyone. . .

• I really want to go shoe shopping.
• I'd rather be doing just about anything than getting ready to go teach.
• I wish Bear's teeth would come in. He seems to be cutting a mouthful at once. This makes for a cranky baby and a cranky mama.
• I'm in love with my children. Bear lights up whenever he sees Wild Man, and when Wild Man kisses Bear, Bear laughs out loud. Wild Man then announces, "Look, he loves me! I'm a good big brother, Mommy."
• C and I are trying to figure out how to get to San Francisco in a few months for a long weekend. I am presenting at a conference, and we thought we'd make an early anniversary trip out of it. We'll take Bear, but if everything goes as planned, someone will come stay with Wild Man.
• I can't believe people are already asking me what we're doing for Bear's first birthday. It is still 3 months away!
• Oh, and I can't believe my baby is 9 months old. Sigh.
• This week Wild Man is insisting on being called Robin Hood. C is Little John, and I'm Maid Marian. Bear is Friar Tuck. Wild Man is using his toy golf clubs as his bow and arrow, and as I was leaving the house today, he was putting the Sheriff of Nottingham in jail for being "unkind to everyone."
• I am so ready for spring.
  

Just because . . .

This picture makes me smile.

Boys and Girls, Celebrity Parents, and Stupid Tabloids

I've frequently blogged about my determination to bring Wild Man and Bear up to be who they want to be, even if that means they want to be boys who wear dresses (for the record, I'm too lazy to go through my archives to link to these posts, but they are there). So, even though I try to stay away from tabloid stuff, I was really bothered by recent headlines like, "Is Angelina Jolie Turning Shiloh into a Boy?"

I am upset by this article for a number of reasons. I mean, first, who cares? (And yes, I get the irony of that statement, since clearly I care enough to read the article online). Second, the headline really gets to me. Why do must the author assume that the mother is to blame? Seriously, why is the mother who has all the control when it comes to dressing her daughter? I mean, obviously, the mother is the one making all the fashion choices in the family. Clearly neither the father nor the child have any say in what the child is wearing. And there is absolutely no way a little girl would ask to have her haircut short. Nor is there a possible logical explanation for the haircut other than the fact that her mother wants her to look like a boy (um, I don't know, these people do have 6 kids. Maybe they don't want to brush the kid's hair every single day.). Beyond that, the language really bothers me. Yes, I know it is all subjective, and it is a tabloid--or sort of. The blog I link to often includes some decent articles on parenting. I'm not surprised to see this sort of thing on "Life & Style," but I am a little bit on this particular blog (although perhaps that says something about my own naivete).

That said, I really dislike how we continually have to point out when a "boy" doesn't look like a "boy" or when a "girl" doesn't look like a "girl." I also think the evidence the authors offer is just odd. So Shiloh likes to be called John? I have a 3-year-old, and Wild Man routinely announces, "Mommy, we're playing a game today. Now you must call me X." Typically he wants to be Gloria, the hippo from the movie Madagascar, with whom he is completely in love. He had everyone call him Gloria for an entire month last year. And he also likes to wear my high heels with C's ties and occasionally he asks to wear "sparkles" (make-up). I've also painted his nails, at his request. Do I think this means he wants to be a girl? No, I don't. But if I did, would I care? Only insofar as I would see it as my job to help him make that transition so he could be a happy and fulfilled individual. Here's the thing: kids experiment. One day, Wild Man wants to be a mommy and nurse his dinosaurs, and the next day he wants to be a superhero and fight the mean guys. So I applaud Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie for allowing their kids to be who they want to be, knowing that they and their children will have to deal with stupid articles like this one.

Warning: Unpleasantness Ahead

I want to begin this post first by writing that I am about to be uncharitable. I'm about to write about something that really, really annoys me, so if you don't want to read me be annoyed, stop now. I also want to say that I do realize that I live in Canada. Now for the real post.

I'm really, really tired of getting phone calls from relatives saying, "I want to buy Wild Man and Bear a gift, but instead, I'm just going to send you money so you can buy it for them. Be sure to buy X, as I think they will really enjoy this. Or, you can just buy them whatever you think they will like and/or need. Oh, and also be sure to take pictures of them using the gift from me that you bought for them from me and send me those pictures. Oh, and make sure your 3-year-old understands that the money being used to buy the gift is from me, not you. In fact, I expect a lengthy phone call from your 3-year-old telling me how excited he is to play with/wear the thing you bought him with my money. Incidentally, start prepping the baby for this too, as I will make comparable demands of him as son as he is able to understand the concept of a gift."

In all seriousness, I really appreciate that people want to give the boys gifts. I also appreciate that I live in Canada and shipping things here can be bit of a hassle, but really, it is neither that difficult nor that expensive to ship things here. I mean, one could buy stuff from the Canadian version of Amazon and ship a gift to the boys. It also isn't that difficult to go buy a gift, package it, and take it to the post office and ship it to Canada. I also appreciate that people want to buy the boys gifts they will like, but again, is it so hard to say, "Hey M and C, I want to buy the boys a gift. What do Bear and Wild Man like right now?" I generally say, "Well, Wild Man is really into dinosaurs, and Bear is into Little People. But both boys play with lots of different things. They both also like books, especially Wild Man. They will likely be happy with whatever you want to give them." I find this type of gift giving lazy and annoying. The purpose of giving a gift, at least in my mind, is to show that you have put some thought into buying the gift. The purpose is not to make my life more difficult.

Oh, and no, buying a gift card isn't any more helpful. They aren't teenagers. They don't enjoy going to a store and picking something out, and especially with Wild Man, taking him to a store and allowing him to pick something out could easily lead to a meltdown. They are easy to buy for. Ok, I'm finished being unpleasant for awhile.

More Home Improvements

We recently purchased an electric fireplace, and while I think it is so very tacky, I've enjoyed the extra warmth it has provided to the main floor of the house. I've also enjoyed the reduction to our monthly energy bill as the tacky fireplace is much more efficient than our outdated baseboard heaters. This concludes the home improvement posts for today.

Renovations

Our kitchen is almost done! Here are some shots of our new cabinets. Pay particular attention to our lovely wooden counter tops! We haven't decided what kind of material we want to use, and C and I are currently debating having them installed versus installing them ourselves. Can you guess which method I'm advocating?

Babies, Clothes, and Little Girls

I've been organizing all of Bear's outgrown clothing and sorting through Wild Man's old clothes. I'm doing this primarily because Bear is growing so fast that at 8 months, he has already outgrown a lot of 6 to 12 month clothing. In fact, he is already wearing pajamas that Wild Man wore at 15 months--when he was walking. Bear is big! At a check-up a few weeks ago, he weighed 19 pounds 15.5 ounces--3 more pounds that Wild Man weighed at the same age. Based on the clothes he is wearing, Bear is easily 2 inches longer than Wild Man as at this age too. So I'm going through all of Wild Man's clothes to see what Bear can wear and to determine if I need to go shopping for anything.

As I was going through all the clothes, I came across the box of girl's clothes I've been hanging on to since Bear was born. As you may remember, we were told that Bear was going to be a girl. Although we were somewhat skeptical, we prepared as though Bear was a girl, so we received lots of gifts of girl clothing. When Bear was born, we were surprised, but I wasn't at all disappointed. In fact, I was a bit relieved. I felt like it made sense. Given my tumultuous relationship with my mother, I was more than a bit nervous to have a daughter. I was totally unsure that I would be able to avoid making similar mistakes. I'm not saying that boys are any easier to parent, but given my experience with Wild Man, I was more sure of my ability to effectively parent a boy. I remember thinking all of this when I packed up all the clothes that were no longer "appropriate" for Bear (although in the first days, the boy wore a lot of pink, I must say, at least until we found Wild Man's newborn clothes and got them washed!). A few friends had urged me to mourn the loss of the daughter, and while I can see the validity of that for some people, I didn't feel that need. Because I was somewhat skeptical that we were having a girl, I hadn't really invested myself in having a daughter. In fact, we were completely unable to agree on a name, and the only name we had agreed was a boy's name--the name we gave Bear.

At the time I decided to keep a lot of the clothes (I gave some away, and I did sell 2 big boxes of clothes) not because I was hoping for a girl but because we weren't sure we were done having babies. C and I decided it made sense to hang on to the clothes until we decided for sure we were done. Lately, we've been talking about having a third, and we're both feeling more certain that our family is complete for a variety of reasons. So when I opened the box of saved girl's clothes, I decided to just go through it and get rid of everything. I was totally unprepared for the sudden sadness I felt. All of a sudden I realized that I will most likely never have a daughter. While I'm ok with that, I was not expecting to tear up a little bit as I folded a brown sundress with a giraffe print that Wild Man had happily picked out sometime last spring.

(I feel it necessary to explain that I just spent 15 minutes trying to compose the last sentence. Sadness isn't exactly what I felt. In fact, I paused in writing this post to talk to C and to try to explain to him what I was thinking as I folded the tiny little girl clothes once again. Wistful may be more accurate, but even that isn't quite right. Sad isn't accurate because that suggests that I feel like I'm missing something in my life (or at least it does to me), and I don't feel that. I can't put a word to the emotion at this moment, but it was something between sad and wistful.)

JK Open House and Other Musings on Wild Man

Yesterday we attended the open house for Wild Man's Junior Kindergarten program. As I've written about here, choosing the right JK program for Wild Man was not easy for us. It was complicated for all the usual reasons, but the fact that we are Americans living in Canada made it even more complex. We ultimately chose to send him to the school that is affiliated with the university's daycare. While convenience played some role in our decision (his daycare teachers will actually walk him to and from JK every day), we primarily chose the school because it is 1 of the top 5 elementary schools in our province.

That said, when C and I toured it the day we registered Wild Man, we left feeling a bit uncertain about our decision. I think most of that uncertainty stemmed from the reality that we had just registered our 3-year-old for Junior Kindergarten. Even though we have a much better understanding of the Canadian school system now, we're still finding it hard to separate what we know about kindergarten (as in, you go to kindergarten when you are 5, not 3 or even 3 and 3/4s, as Wild Man will be when he starts JK in September) with what Wild Man will experience in JK. So we went to yesterday's Open House as much for us as we did for Wild Man. We wanted some sort of understanding of what his day will be like and what the program requires of him. We met the teachers and toured the rooms. Wild Man had an opportunity to explore the room and ask questions. He also discovered that many of his friends from daycare will be attending JK at the school too. Wild Man left excited and happy, and C and I left relieved. In fact as we walked to the car, he looked at me and said, "Ok, now I know we made the right decision." I agree completely. Now that we've had an opportunity to talk to the teachers, I realize Wild Man is prepared for this, and he will benefit from the experience, even at his relatively young age. I am still somewhat concerned about how he will handle the transition come September.

While I've always been acutely aware that Wild Man is a lot like me, I've become even more aware of that fact recently. As C has told me every time I've expressed concern about Wild Man's similarities to me, this means he has a lot of good qualities. Like me, Wild Man is empathetic, sensitive, caring, and gentle. He is also assertive, out-spoken, and independent. These are the qualities I like most about myself, and I am very pleased that Wild Man shares them with me. But, like me, Wild Man also has a tendency to be overly anxious and easily over-stimulated or overwhelmed. Further, while his sensitivity and empathy for others means that he has the ability to feel for others, it also means he picks up on everything.

For example, C and I were both stressed out about the whole process of choosing a school for Wild Man, and we spoke about it in front of him several times. One night he couldn't go to sleep because he'd heard us talking. When I checked on him and asked why he was awake an hour after bedtime, he told me, "I made you and Daddy worry about my school. Mommy, I don't want you to worry about me." My 3-year-old was worried that I was worrying about his future too much. I gave him a long hug and tried my best to reassure him that it wasn't his fault that I was worried. I also tried to explain that I'm the grown-up and that C and I want him to be a kid and to not worry about grown-up things. I'm not sure he understood, but he did relax and went to sleep soon after.

On some level, I love that he wants to take care of me, but I want him to understand that isn't his job. And as I was the kid who worried about everything, I feel like I've passed this on to him. My parents never took the time to help me understand that I didn't need to worry about everything or that it wasn't my responsibility to worry about money or illness or other grown-up things. I want to try to explain that to Wild Man. I want him to be a kid. I don't want him to feel like an adult at 10, which is how I felt. I want him to know it is ok to be a little boy.

Wild Man's first open house

Tonight we will be attending an open house for Wild Man's Junior Kindergarten program. C and I tried to explain it to him this morning, and he was a bit distraught, as he didn't quite understand that he would continue to go to his current school while also going to JK. Having an open house in March when the program starts in September seems very, very early to me. I mean, I doubt Wild Man will remember all of this come September. As for me, I'm alternately excited and sad at the idea. It hardly seems possible that he is old enough for JK.

Teaching

I just want to write that I totally love my English class. Given the structure of CU, I've been teaching the same class since September, so I've really gotten to know these students. And these are some bright, considerate, thinking individuals. I was uncertain about teaching a year long course, but now I love it. I think the method has a lot of pedagogical merit, and I can't wait to teach another one.

Job, blah, blah, blah

Last week I had a meeting with Dr. Feminist to discuss my future in the department. I updated her on the current situation, including the fact that Dr. Nice Guy has had several conversations with the Dean. I made this appointment at Dr. Nice Guy's suggestion. He was concerned that if he was the only person speaking with the Dean about our situation that we didn't have a very strong case. So I asked the hard question: "Have you spoken to the dean about a more permanent position?" I really hated asking this question, but I have to say, I was a bit floored by her response, which was, essentially, "No, I haven't because I didn't realize you wanted a more permanent position." Now I feel like I've been really up front with Dr. Feminist--I've told her we were hoping for a partner placement, that I'd be happy to keep working in her department, that I'd be happy with a visiting position, that I'd take a joint appointment in Women's Studies and another department (I currently teach in three departments), and that I'm on the market. I now realize that I never specifically asked her if she'd speak to the dean, but given that Women's Studies is seriously short handed (only 2 full-time profs and 5 joint appointed profs and about 600 majors as well as a brand new MA and a Ph.D. program), I didn't realize I had to. Sigh. I feel a bit stupid and a bit annoyed.

So she happily agreed to speak with the dean. We'll see what happens.

Um, Seriously?

Ok, this is getting a bit extreme. Since we've been back in CU Land, Yetta has called C several times. The first time I answered the phone even though as soon as I saw her number on the caller id I considered not answering. She asked some fairly random questions, and the conversation lasted about 2 minutes. I knew she wanted to talk to C, but C was sitting in the car with Bear who had fallen asleep in his car seat (once he falls asleep in his car seat, he could sleep for 2 hours, but there is no chance of transferring from his car seat to his crib without him waking up. To keep him asleep one of us will work in the car while the other hangs out with Wild Man or works in the house), so I didn't ask her if she wanted to talk to him. Oh, and I also knew C didn't want to talk to her. Since then she's called his office several times, and each time he's either been out or had students and hasn't been able to answer. I'm sort of curious why she keeps calling his office, which she never does. We know it isn't an emergency because if it were se'd also call his cell phone and the home phone. I think she's calling his office because she thinks she'll be able to talk to him without me around or because she's afraid I won't tell him she's called. I have to admit I'm sort of amused by C's unwillingness to talk to his mom right now. I know it won't last, but for now, I'll take some enjoyment out of it.

We have returned

We got back to CU Land on Sunday after spending a week in Home State with our families. For the most part, we had a good trip. I made a conscious effort to be relaxed and not to focus on fairly minor things. My parents also made an effort to plan for having 4 extra people in the house. My mom had stocked up on groceries, and my dad cooked two of the three nights we were with them. The fourth we had salad and ordered pizza, which was totally fine. The biggest issue we had during our stay with my parents was that Bear caught a cold the day before we left, and he was running a fever between 100 and 102 for much of the time we were with my mom and dad. As long as he had medicine in him, he was fine, but the minute the medicine wore off and the fever returned he was, well, a bear. C ended up sleeping in my parents' recliner holding Bear upright for several hours a night, and I ended up getting up early with him. All in all it was a minor illness, and by mid-week, Bear was fever-free and feeling better. It was really great to spend time with my parents.

Seeing Yetta was another issue altogether. In an attempt to be positive, I have decided not to blog about the drama that occurred on the day before we left. Suffice to say, there was drama, though, and it involved a thoughtless comment on her part coupled with my attempt to be mature and tell her that the comment, which was apparently intended as a "joke," hurt my feelings. The resulting conversation was not pretty (once again, I was labeled as ungrateful, impossible, and malicious), and it ended with C so angry that he is still not speaking to his mother. I was not in the room for much of the conversation as I removed myself and the boys once the shouting commenced, but I did hear C shout something to the effect of "You don't want to put me in a position to choose between you and my wife because you will not be happy with my choice." Luckily Bear was oblivious to it all, but Wild Man was angry. He only understood that his mommy was upset and his daddy was shouting. I had to physically restrain him from leaving the back of the house to give his Yetta a lecture "for hurting my mommy and daddy's feelings." He told me at least 3 times that he would "take care of it, Mommy. I will go put Yetta in time out for being unkind to you and my daddy." I managed to distract him with packing as I knew his presence would have only aggravated the situation--somehow Wild Man's reaction would have been blamed on me, even though I told him nothing about what was going on.

I've been thinking about these sorts of arguments and how they routinely occur during our trips to Home State. Every visit we've made since C's dad died has ended with a similar argument, and these arguments always seem to happen either the day before we leave to go home or the day we leave Yetta's house to go stay with my parents. I think she starts an argument because she is wholly unable to discuss her sadness that we're leaving. I really want to tell her that we'd all be much happier if she could only say, "I'm so sad you're leaving. I wish I could see you all more often," rather than pick a fight as a way to express her emotions. I could deal with that honesty. I can't deal with passive-aggressive comments that are meant to tell me I'm a bad mother-wife-daughter-in-law who is constantly manipulating to keep her son and grandsons away from her.

Aside from that, the trip went really well. Wild Man fell in love with his cousin J, who is only 14-months older than he is. They spent all day Friday and Saturday of the visit playing, and they gave each other a very long hug good-bye on Saturday night. Seeing them together almost makes me want to move closer--almost.

Packing

Packing for 2 adults, 1 pre-schooler, and 1 infant is reason enough never to leave the house!

Being a Grown-up

So rather than just complain and expect the worse with the family trip, I've decided to be a grown-up. I just called my mom and asked her if she could go to the grocery store before we get there. She was a bit taken aback, but she agreed. I gave her a short list of some things that Wild Man likes, most of which are not things she keeps in the house. I also told her that C and I would be happy to cook while we're there (my parents don't cook much anymore, and I've decided just to accept that fact rather than thinking it has something to do with me) as long as she'll buy the groceries before hand. So she'll have stuff on hand for nutritious meals that we will cook, and we won't be scrambling for things to feed Wild Man. I think this is a more effective tactic than waiting till we get there and getting annoyed with my parents.

A trip to Home State

On Sunday, we're traveling to Home State to visit our families for Reading Week (what CU calls Spring Break. It falls way too early here to be called anything close to Spring Break.). I have to admit that I am not remotely excited to be going to visit our families, and as soon as we booked the tickets I regretted our decision. Why do you ask? Primarily because I could use a week of uninterrupted work. The boys' daycare will be open during Reading Week (or at least T-F), so if we had stayed in CU Land, I could have actually gotten some work done. But I'm also not looking forward to all the family drama that is likely to take place. And even if there is no drama (ok, even if there is minimal drama) there will still be catty comments and lots of frustrations.

So why are we going? Well, we haven't been to Home State in over a year. My dad, C's brother, and our nephews have not yet met Bear. I haven't seen my childhood best friend (we've been friends since we were 8, and seeing her is the one thing I'm excited about) in 2 years. And Yetta was constantly asking, "When are you coming home?" Add to that the fact that C will be in Home State in March to give a lecture at our undergrad alma mater, and there was no way we could work a trip to Home State for all 4 of us mid-semester and mid-week. Going now seemed like a good idea a few weeks ago. But, as I've said, traveling to see our families is always fraught with tension, and quite frankly, a lot of it is due to the idiotic machinations and manipulations of C's mother and my mother's complete inability to plan or socialize. For example, last night I called my mom to give her our flight information since she's picking us up at the airport (my dad works at the end of the week, so we're spending the first part of the week with my family). I told her that Yetta wants to come by her house sometime on Sunday to see the boys, and I then added that maybe Yetta could just come by for lunch. Mom immediately said, in a total panic, "But what will I make?! I was planning on going by the grocery story after I picked you all up, so we could get whatever you wanted for the week." I swear I really wanted to reach through the phone and smack her. I calmly pointed out that we would be arriving at lunchtime, after getting on a plane at 7 am. "Taking Wild Man to the grocery store when he is both tired and hungry is not a good idea, Mom, " I said. I then asked if she could just have lunch stuff on hand.

I really don't understand why it is so hard to plan a little ahead. I remember visiting my grandparents when I was a kid, and the refrigerator was always well stocked and the house was ready for us. We weren't expected to go to the grocery store the moment we arrived. My grandmother spent days cooking before we got there. I certainly don't expect my mom to do this, but I also don't expect to have to plan the menu for the entire time I'm there. I'm really not that hard to please, I swear. But I do want to feel like they want us there and that they've planned for our arrival just a little.

It takes talent. . .

to throw-up while breastfeeding and NOT disturb the baby. I'm just saying . . .

Yesterday C and I spent the day alternating between caring for the boys and throwing up thanks to the stomach bug Wild Man brought home from daycare. It was not fun, but we managed--which explains the first line of the post. In our house, once Bear goes to sleep, we do everything we can to ensure he stays asleep.

A little levity

Here is Bear performing his new favorite activity: blowing raspberries!

And this is Wild Man, the T-Rex!

*Pictures have disappeared.

And the Dean said. . .

something along the lines of, "I understand C and M's situation, and I'm sympathetic to their position. They are both valuable to the university, but right now, due to budget constraints, there isn't anything to be done. Once the department budgets are finalized next month, we can revisit this topic." And of course, all of this was filtered through Dr. Nice Guy, so who knows what she actually said other than, "Um, no, not now. No money. Tell C to have a great trip to Chicago. Get back in touch when one of them has an offer we can take seriously." Dr. Nice Guy urged C to talk to him again if he gets an offer. My lovely husband is pissed, PISSED. He read the email from Dr. Nice Guy and said, "F*** them. Now we're playing hardball."

C is an incredibly easy-going man. It takes a lot to get him angry--a lot. But when he feels like he's being screwed or when he feels like I'm being screwed, you really want to get out of his way. So he's gone from not wanting to go to the interview to wanting to rock the interview and get the job. In fact, in his mind, we've already moved. Me, I don't know. I expected this response, but I made the mistake of hoping. So I'm feeling demoralized all over again.

And for the record, Dr. Nice Guy, who has become a family friend, handled it badly. He emailed C this news while C was teaching and then, knowing C wouldn't have had a chance to check his email, stopped by C's office as soon as C had gotten out of class to discuss another departmental issue. He never once mentioned his meeting with the dean; instead, he let C read about it as soon as he left C's office. I understand he wanted to avoid confrontation, but given that they go out for beers on a semi-regular basis and our families spend time together on the weekends, I know this hurt C.

I did get some good news on Friday. Dr. Feminist has asked me to teach the intro Women's Studies course over the summer, which is great. This means I'll have an income over the summer, and I get to teach something new. I also feel like it is a test of sorts. So maybe if I do well with this course, I'll have more leverage. . . Who knows? Here's hoping next year's job list looks better than this year's. . . Now to get that article published.

Random Chaotic Notes

My life is a whirlwind right now, so here are some random things I'm thinking. And some of this may explain why I feel like I'm screaming silently.

• Wild Man is enrolled in Junior Kindergarten, which will begin in September. After 3 weeks of research and talking to various people, we finally decided to send him to a school that is affiliated with his daycare. We chose this school for several reasons. First, it is a great school, in the top 5 elementary schools in our province. Second, he can continue in the daycare; in fact, as we're out of area, he can only go to the school because he is enrolled at the daycare. He will be walked to and from school by his daycare teachers. Third, putting him in JK buys us some time to make further decisions about his and Bear's education. Ultimately, (assuming we stay in Canada) we want the boys to go to French Immersion school. We feel like they would really benefit from that experience for lots of reasons. But we have recently discovered we're not in the school district we thought we were in, so to send the boys to the "right" FI school, we have to move. Wild Man has to start FI by grade 1, so enrolling him in this school for JK and SK gives us 2 years to do that.
• I'm continuing to apply for jobs off of the spring list, which has even slimmer pickins than the fall list. I've applied for 3 jobs and 2 post-docs. I have 1 more post-doc to put in for and 1 visiting position. I'm not remotely hopeful, but whatever, I'm doing it.
• C has an interview at his field's major conference in a few weeks. As I may or may not have written earlier, he went on the market this year as a bargaining tool with CU Land. The school that wants to interview him is something of a big deal, so he's excited and he's not. Further the conference is about 3 weeks away, so he could get more.
  
• He met with his chair, Dr. Nice Guy, to keep him apprised of the situation. He was very clear: he'd prefer not to go to the interviews, but he'll go unless CU Land can make me some sort of offer. So now it's in his chair's hands, and this is a guy who has also become a good friend of ours. Dr. Nice Guy is not only committed to keeping C here, but he is also committed to helping us anyway he can. He is going to the dean with this information, and we'll see where that goes.
• Given this there is an outside chance I might be offered something more permanent that what I have now. We'll see what we see.
• Before all of this transpired, C and I had a lengthy discussion about me, the job market, and his reaction to me being on the job market. This discussion was very necessary after my less than generous reaction to finding out he got an interview. Let's say I had to leave the room for a few minutes because I was upset and more than a bit jealous. In that moment, I realized how upset I am by this year's search and how much I want this for myself, not for anyone else. I remembered that I do have ambitions of my own and I do want to fulfill them. As I told C, I'm not jealous because I think any of his success is unmerited. I've been with him through this entire process. I know better than anyone how hard he has worked, but I also know I've worked that hard too. I want my work to be recognized somehow.
  
• Talking about these things was good, although hard. We came to the conclusion that we could actually be happy staying in CU Land permanently. On some level that would be a relief. I find that, more than anything, perhaps even more than a tenure-track job, I want a sense of stability for my family. I want to be able to stop thinking, "Well, if we're still here we'll do this. . ." I want to know. I want to be able to commit to this community and to the friends I've made. I want to stop feeling like I need to hold part of myself back so that I don't get too attached if we just move next year. I want to stop worrying about how Wild Man and Bear will deal with a potential move. I want to establish roots for my family, and if staying here means we can do that and I get to start my career, then I want to do that, very, very much.
• I also know that I can stay at CU, teaching part-time, if that is what is best for my family.
• C talked to him mom about this yesterday, and that conversation, even though I had no part in it, left me angry and in tears. He explained all this to her--focusing on the possibility that I may be offered something more permanent here. Her reaction was expected, but still upsetting. She apparently paused and said, "So you'd stay in Canada then? Permanently? Why?" She never said how great that would be for us or anything. Once again, she made it all about her. Her reaction isn't remotely surprising, but for some reason, I though she might be happy for us, even just momentarily. I don't know why, but I need that. I need her to know that this would be good for us, while fully understanding that it means she has to give up on the dream that we'll live in Home State.
  
• I decided to call my mom after C spoke with his, and for once, my mom came through. She was very positive and hopeful and kind. She said, "I know how hard you guys have worked to find jobs in the same place, M. This would be so great for you and your family. I'll keep my fingers crossed." And she even got something that Yetta didn't. She cautiously asked, "Does this mean you'd have more money to come home more often?" I said, "Yes, we definitely would. It would actually enable us to rent a beach house for a few weeks in the summer in Home State if we wanted to." My mom was definitely excited about that.
• Now I'm waiting. And I'm reminding myself that this likely won't work, that nothing will come of it. I'll be in this same position next year. I'm not usually so negative, but now that this possibility really exists, I know how much I want this, how much I want all of this to work for us in CU Land. And I can't let myself hope too much.