I just don't get it

Pita sent Archer an email this morning via FB in which she wrote something along the lines of, "Why don't you ever like the comments I post?  I see you can like everyone else's comments but mine.  I also say how much I love you.  Why don't you like my comments?"  It was, however, a bit more aggressive.  Archer opted not to respond, but a few hours later she sent him another message in which she wrote, "Are you ignoring me?"  He responded briefly, but he did his best not to engage her in anything further.

I just don't get it.  I absolutely do not understand how this is an effective form of communication.  I also don't understand why this is something that is worth initiating an argument over.  I do understand that she is a profoundly unhappy person.  Instead of deal with her own unhappiness, she'd rather attack those who love her.  I also understand that trying to engage in any sort of conversation about her behavior will not help the situation at all.  No matter how the topic is approached, Pita will claim to be attacked, despised, hated, and any other number of negative things.  It is impossible to express to her that we do care for her a great deal, but that we don't care for the drama she feels compelled to create.  As she sees it, our lives are perfect, and we look down on her because she doesn't have an education, because we're smarter than she is, because she is unmarried, because she doesn't have a "fancy" job, etc. 

Do I judge her?  If I'm being completely honest, yes, I do, but not for any of the reasons she'd likely list.  I judge her for causing drama, for taking advantage of Yetta, and for casting me as the person who has changed her brother and taken him away from their family.  I judge her for the things that I believe she is actively in control of, for the things she does that make Archer's life and relationship with her and his mother more difficult to manage.  I judge her for causing him stress and aggravation unnecessarily.  I judge her for being a 45-year-old child who refuses to express her feelings in a healthy way, despite being in therapy for over 8 years.  I judge her for using Archer as a target rather than dealing with her own unhappiness.

Mostly, I wish she'd try to have a healthy productive relationship with Archer rather than attacking him unnecessarily.

Pissed

As I wrote in my previous post, we're staying in CU Land for Christmas.  Archer called his brother last night to tell him, as R was really looking forward to seeing us.  R was very understanding though, which eased Archer's guilt about deciding not to go a bit, I know.  Archer then talked to J, R's soon to be ex-wife (it is so sordid and complicated that I'm not even going into it).  He asked her what their boys would like for Christmas, and she offered a few suggestions.  She then asked what Bear and Wild Man would like, and Archer listed off a few things.  She then, apparently, said, "Well, your mom told me that if you all aren't coming here for Christmas, she is just going to put money in your checking account here.  That way you and M can get the boys what they like.  Is it okay if I do that to?"  Archer said, "Sure, that will be fine.  You could send a gift certificate though."

When he relayed this conversation to me, I was pissed.  Seriously.  How hard is it to go online and order a gift?  I've sent lists of things the boys like, items at every price range, as every single member of Archer's family has asked me to do.  How hard is it to go to Amazon and order a few items off the list?  You know, Amazon even ships to Canada for FREE!  Or how hard is it to do what my parents have done?  They shop early, so they've had the boys' gifts for a while.  My mom, who is practically agoraphobic, stood in line at UPS for 45 minutes on Tuesday afternoon to mail a package to Wild Man and Bear.  Do you know why?  Because, as she said to me, "I know how much fun they'll have opening the package, M.  Be sure to call me when you get it so I can hear them open it.  Hearing their excitement will make standing in line with all those people worth it." I said all of this to Archer last night, and he said, "I know.  You're absolutely right.  It sucks.  They just don't want to put out the effort. But I'm not saying anything because it isn't worth it."  And then I was pissed got him!

On one level, I totally understand this tactic.  I'm a big believer in choosing one's battles carefully.  But frankly, my children are openly disregarded in favor of R and J's children.  Why?  Well, they created the first grandchild, and their children live in the same city as Yetta and Pita.  In fact, that is the precise reason why Yetta and Pita will not spend a Christmas in our house--they can't leave #1 and #2.  To me, this is a battle worth fighting.  You can bet that Yetta will be braving long lines at the toy store and the book store to get gifts for #1 and #2.  She can damn well do the same thing for my children.  Or at the very least, she can know how crappy I think her plan to send money is.

As an important aside, I honestly don't care if they give Wild Man and Bear gifts.  Truly I don't.  They would be thrilled with a long phone call on Christmas morning.  But the whole explanation that putting money in our account is "easier for us" is pure bullshit.  It is easier for them.

CU Land

While Yetta was here this past weekend, she pointedly asked Archer and me if we were still looking for jobs in the States.  Prior to her arrival, Archer and I had discussed what we would say if she broached this topic, and we decided to be honest.  Archer started by pointing out that he has been on the job market every year since 2007.  That is 5 years.  If he sends out job applications again, that makes 6.  Since taking the job at CU, he has had several phone interviews and conference interviews as well as 1 on-campus interview.  He hasn't, however, gotten any offers.  He then reminded her that this is my third year on the market.  The first year I did not get any interviews, and last year I had several initial interviews and 1 on-campus visit, but again, I had no offers.  I did, however, receive a full-time position at CU with the "promise" that the job would either be renewed as is or that it would convert to a T-T line.  He then gently reminded her that we've tried to get jobs in the States, and for whatever reason, it isn't working out for us. 

She seemed fairly accepting of all of this, as Archer was offering concrete evidence of our attempts to return to the States.  I then pointed out that we actually like CU Land.  This is the beginning of our fourth year here.  We've developed a social network.  We have people we can call on in an emergency.  Wild Man has good friends.  I've made 4 close friends in the past year, and Archer has finally found a group of guys he can have beers with.  As for Bear, well, CU Land is the only place he's ever known.  I said, "While CU Land still doesn't necessarily feel like home for Archer and me, this is home for Wild Man and Bear.  I moved around a lot as a young child, and that takes a toll on a kid.  Unless a really great deal comes along and assuming my position does convert, it looks like we may be here for the long term.  And we're okay with that."  I had planned this statement.  I had thought about the argument.  I intentionally used passive voice and focused on the children as I thought it would be the most convincing way to present the argument.  But, it seems I overestimated my MIL's ability to accept reason. 

Calling CU Land the boys' home was, apparently, not the track to take as it reminded her that they do not consider Home State home, a fact she pointed out to Archer in a phone conversation after she left.  She stated point blank, "I want my grandchildren to think of Home State as their home.  I want you all to live here."  He said, "I understand that, but unfortunately, we don't have a lot of control over that given our profession.  You're going to have to accept that this is our decision to make.  And you've got to stop thinking of Canada as Antarctica.  We're a 3 hour flight away, not on the other side of the world.  It is time you accepted that."  I couldn't have said it better myself.

I survived . . .

the weekend with Pita and Yetta.  It was mostly good.  Yetta misrepresented several statements I made to her and, predictably, reported those misrepresentations to Archer.  For example, I am apparently an advocate of divorce.  Yes, I'm am thrilled to bits that my BIL and SIL are divorcing and I think their children will be better off and so much happier.  Indeed, I will.  And if you know me at all, you know that I would totally be in favor of such a thing. 

When Archer told me this I literally laughed until I cried.  You see, I said that the children, my lovely, lovely nephews, would have a hard time for a while.  I told Yetta, "I know they will struggle with this.  I'm a child of divorce, and I know how hard it will be on them.  But, in the long run, I think they'll be better off having two happy parents in separate homes than two unhappy parents in the same home."  Somehow that became "Your wife* thinks the divorce is a good idea."  Archer, however, knows me so well that he realized I would never have said such a thing, and without even knowing what I said, he corrected his mother.  He told her, "I know M did not say that the divorce was a good idea.  She likely said the boys will be happier with two happy parents."  I love my husband.

And I'm also glad that Yetta and Pita only visit a few times a year.

*Notice I didn't even get named in the statement.

Perspective, part 2

Pita and Yetta arrive today for a 5 day visit.  I will write a post about the reasons why they came this week instead of last week, but right now, the events are still too frustrating for me to think about without getting upset.  Keep your fingers crossed for me, though, that I manage to maintain some perspective while they are here.

Vacation?

Since we've arrived back in CU Land, we've been asked numerous times, "How was your vacation?"  And while the answer is, "We had a nice time with our families and friends," I also want to say, "Visiting family is not a vacation." Here are some updates to reiterate that point.

• I attended 2 doctor's appointments with my mom and took her to have an MRI.  The facial tics that I wrote about before are most likely a side-effect of one of her medications, which she is no longer taking.  Her MRI showed no problems, which is good.  I now have her permission to speak to her neurologist without her present.  
• Wild Man had his first sleepover--with his 5-year-old cousin J.  He had a blast, but Yetta was mightily upset because the sleepover meant she got one less night with him.
• Bear discovered the joys of the ocean, but his afraid of my dad for reasons I'm not entirely certain I can explain.
• I spent lots of time with my sister-in-law, Aunt J.  We vented about being outsiders in the family, but we also just had fun.  Pita commented on the time we spent together, which meant she was unhappy that we didn't include her.
• I was able to see my BF from high school and college twice, which is rare thing indeed.  I was very, very happy to get to hang out with her so much.
• I had many conversations with my parents about selling their house and moving closer to her sisters.  I'm not sure I made any headway at all.
• None of the homes we stayed at (with the exception of the home of our grad school friends who now live in Home State) were remotely child proofed.  Bear almost fell down more staircases than I care to count.  Being constantly vigilant to ensure he didn't injure himself or destroy my mom's or Yetta's countless knick knacks was exhausting for both of us.
• I tried to have a conversation with Archer's brother, you know, just because.  After getting a series of monosyllabic answers, I gave up.  To be fair, I don't think Archer got much more than that out of him either.
• Yetta was very displeased that we not only saw friends on our way to Home State but that we elected to stop overnight to see more friends on our way to CU Land.  Because you know, both side trips took time away from her.
• We're already being interrogated about our plans for Christmas.

Despite all of this, the visit was nice.  It was, in fact, the most drama free visit we've had since I can remember.  Perhaps the last one that was this drama free was the August before Wild Man was born.  There were no arguments, very few recriminations about our chosen career fields, and no questions about when we're moving "home."  That made it very relaxing indeed.

I really hate . . .

that I am expected to hide my disappointment to make other people feel better about breaking promises. 

I feel a bit like Anastasia seems to have felt in her recent posts on being expected to assuage people of their guilt for backing out of commitments (the commitment in question was Anastasia's daughter's birthday party).  Why is it my responsibility to make you feel better?  Why must you say things like, "I'm so worried you'll be mad at me"?  If you're worried I'll be upset, chances are I'm going to be upset.  That said, it isn't like I have the temper of a pit viper.  I'm not going to lash out at you, nor am I even likely to voice my disappointment much beyond, "That sucks.  I really wanted to do X with you."

To what am I obliquely referring?  Bear's second birthday is next week, and we're having a small party for him this weekend.  As my mom is going to be here, I invited my sister, who lives about 5 hours away by car, to come as well.  I didn't expect her to come as she has yet to visit while our mom is also visiting (don't ask; I can't explain it).  She, however, accepted the invitation and assured me she'd be here despite her schedule.  She did explain that she and her two kids would likely arrive late Friday evening and leave mid-day Sunday.  Of course, that was not an issue, so I planned on her being here.  As Archer would say, that is where I made the mistake.  I should not have counted on her as she routinely goes back on her word for various reasons (and there is probably a blog post--or lots of therapy sessions--on how the only family members I can routinely rely on are my mom and my cousin).  I was so excited that we were actually going to have family in town for Bear's birthday that I believed her.  More to the point, I told Wild Man she was coming along with Brown-Eyed Boy and Girl, whom he worships.  Wild Man bought them presents at his school book fair--with his own money without any prompting from me.  He has talked about their coming for weeks, constantly reminding me that he has presents to give them.  He is excited to say the least.

As of this morning, I hadn't heard from my sister in about 2 weeks, despite emailing her twice to ask when to expect them.  She finally emailed this morning, saying that she's had a rough few weeks managing her bipolar, and that as much as she wants to come she doesn't think she's up to it.  She ended the email with, "I'm so worried you'll be mad at me."  Well, no, I'm not mad, and why would I be?  Obviously, she has to take care of herself first.  I do not, however,  like the assumption that I would be mad over something like this.  Disappointed, sure, but mad?  Um, no.  In fact, what makes me mad is the clear need for me to assuage her guilt for changing plans.  You're not well, and you need to stay home.  I get it.  You feel bad about it.  I get that too.  I also feel bad about it, but it isn't the end of the world.  Let's move on and be done with it.  I don't understand why I have to make her feel better about it.  I mean (and I totally know I'm being selfish here) she isn't going to have to deal with the utter meltdown Wild Man is going to have when I tell him his cousins won't be here for the weekend.  And I do mean utter meltdown as in sobbing and pulling the covers over his head, saying "I'm so sad, Mommy.  I wanted to give them their presents" meltdown.  I will, however, manage it, and we'll all be fine.

As an aside, I will not be telling Wild Man about any possible visits until I know they are on the way to our house.

Yetta's Visit and the Aftermath

As I wrote on Saturday, this visit with Yetta has been good. Archer and I talked a lot about it before hand, and we did quite a few things differently. All of that, as well as the simple facts that Yetta seems to be happy now and that she came without Pita, have made for a fairly relaxed and enjoyable visit. That isn't to say, however, that the visit hasn't been without its moments. Yetta has, as is expected, shared her opinion on several things, and she has also vented quite a lot about Pita. In an attempt to process it all in preparation for our visit to Homestate in July, here is a smattering of what has been shared.

• Canada is a country without religion as no one ever talks about church. As Yetta hasn't really spoken to anyone but us during her visit, this statement translates to: I want my grandchildren to go to church, and you need to do something about that. This is something that is fairly easy to ignore. She isn't here on a daily basis, and she doesn't really know what we teach our boys about religion. Nor is that really any of her business. 
• Pita knows I've deleted her off of FB, which must mean that I hate her, that I think she's stupid, that I think she's unworthy of being my children's aunt, that I won't allow her to spend anytime with the boys when we're in Homestate, that I think she's untrustworthy, and any other number of things. I told Yetta that if Pita wants to discuss this with me, she knows how to get in touch with me. Yetta asked point blank why I deleted her. I said that I use FB as a way to keep in touch with people I don't see regularly. I don't want to log on to see pictures of my friends' children and find a message from Pita telling me that I'm a hateful, horrible, ungrateful person who doesn't understand what it is like to be as single woman and that as a proclaimed feminist I should understand what a single woman like Pita has to go through (yes, friends, that is essentially what her last FB message to me said, and that is why I deleted her). I said if Pita wants to communicate with me she has my email address and phone number. I also said that I don't hate her; I do not, however, feel called upon to deal with such messages from anyone. If my own sister sent me messages like that I'd delete her too. As I tried to explain to Yetta, it was a means of protecting myself. I left the conversation at that, but I know she brought the issue up again with Archer. 
• Pita is also convinced we've spent the entire visit talking about her. Has Yetta vented? Sure, and we've let her vent while keeping our comments to a minimum. Here's the thing. Two adult women live together in what can only be described as a co-dependent relationship. Pita is not the easiest person to get along with (and neither is Yetta, but to her credit, she admits this), so Yetta needs to vent. Yetta knows we won't turn around and tell Pita everything she's said, so she vents. And on some level, I think Yetta actually thinks she can "fix" the problems in the relationship by meddling. 
• Pita apparently thinks I'm dismissive and short with her on the phone. This came about when she called at 8:40 on Friday night. We'd let Wild Man stay up past his 8:00 bedtime to watch a movie with Yetta, and as he was getting ready for bed, he complained that his finger hurt. I looked at it and saw he had a splinter. Archer and I were in the middle of trying to keep Wild Man calm while we tried to get the splinter out of his finger when Pita called. I answered the phone and said, "Hi, how are you? I can't really talk now. I'm trying to get a splinter out of Wild Man's finger. Here's your mom." Apparently I was rude and hurt Pita's feelings. I apparently do this on a regular basis. When Yetta told me this, I said, "Well, maybe I do, but Pita routinely calls at dinner time or bed time and wants to talk to Wild Man and Bear. She then gets upset when Archer or I tell her that it isn't a good time to talk. She knows our routine. We've told her that the best time to call is Sunday morning." 
• From this exchange, Archer learned that it is my responsibility to make sure Pita has a good relationship with Wild Man and Bear. I am the one who is supposed to call her when it is convenient and when the boys want to talk on the phone. Yes, that's right, it is my job to ensure Wild Man and Bear have a close relationship with their father's sister. After all, Pita talks to J, her's and Archer's brother's wife almost every single day. J makes sure that her children talk to Pita several times a week. I need to take a lesson from J and be a better sister-in-law. 
• I could go on and on, but rather than helping me process all of this, I'm just getting more irritated. 
• What I've learned in the last week is that Pita is angry at me--or she is directing her anger at me. She is convinced I hate her and that I will not allow her to spend anytime with Wild Man and Bear. She thinks I don't trust her and that I will sabotage her relationship with the boys. I haven't, nor will I, respond to these statements from Pita via Yetta. Really, I think it all a bit absurd. Actually that isn't true. I think it is hateful, antagonistic, and mean-spirited. I think all of this is a precursor to the inevitable fight that will occur during our visit. I think Pita will be nasty and mean, and I think she will start the fight in front of my children. Archer said as much to Yetta, and Yetta said, "Oh, I think it will be okay." I then said, "I need you to know that I will do my absolute best not to engage her and that I will try my hardest to keep my temper. But if Pita starts something in front of my children, I will put them in our car and go to my parents' house for the duration of the visit. I fully realize that isn't fair to you at all, but I will not tolerate my children being exposed to the kinds of outbursts I have had to endure." Archer then added, "Wild Man will not forget such an outburst. If Pita yells at me or M in front of him, he will be very, very upset, and he won't forget it. It will change his perception of Pita, whom he loves dearly." Yetta said, "I hope she won't start anything in front of the boys." I wanted to say, "Having the boys in the room didn't keep you from calling me a horrible, selfish daughter-in-law the last time we visited," but I didn't. 
• So there will be some sort of altercation during our visit. I will be the object of said altercation. After the said altercation, I will be expected to forgive and forget. I will be expected to act like it never happened. I will be repeatedly told, "That is just Pita. She isn't going to change, so you should just forget about everything she said." The visit will be ruined because any outburst she has will be the only topic of conversation with Archer's family for the rest of the visit. Any support Yetta has promised in the past week will not appear because Pita is her daughter and they live together. I will cry. I will get sick to my stomach from the stress. I will want to leave and go home early. I will be expected to put on a happy face and get through it. I will be expected to make up or else I will be called a bitch (or much, much worse) behind my back. Archer will be forced to hear Pita say all sorts of awful things about me as a way to bait him into a fight. He will be told that I'm selfish, that I don't value family, that I privilege my family (i.e., my siblings and parents) over their family, that I'm an overprotective mother (okay, so that one is true), that I don't like to have other people take care of my kids (and that is also true), that I don't think anyone can do it as well as I can (well, no one other than Archer), that I think I'm better than her and everyone in their hometown.  Archer will be so stressed out that he will inadvertently snap at me, and I'll burst into tears because I'll be stressed out from being on edge waiting for Pita to attack. Then we'll have a stupid, pointless fight even though we're not mad at one another at all.
• And they wonder why I don't want to visit more.

Facebook is annoying; or a family drama of sorts

In the next few weeks, Archer is planning to return to Mexico to finish the research he started in August.  To complete the project (for which he received a grant from CU), he has to travel to several sites, look at some documents, and photograph a bunch of buildings.  He'll be gone about 5 days, and he has planned the trip for Spring Break.  I would love to go.  I could use a vacation (who couldn't?), but I'm in the middle of two articles.  The week off from teaching will give me the time to finish these articles and get them out.  I need this time for my own work, so Archer will be going alone.  In the past few days, Archer has been contemplating Wild Man with him.  He wants to do this for two reasons: he thinks taking Wild Man will make my parenting load lighter, and he thinks this would be a cool trip for them to take together.  Wild Man is interested, but he's also a bit nervous about not having me and Bear with them. 

Last night, Archer posted something on Facebook about trying to decide if he would take Wild Man with him.  His sister immediately commented, writing: "So can't miss school to see his aunt or come to [home state] but go to Mexico - yeah I am putting u on facebook blast - how about some family proirities world traveler? Yeah I mad!"  Now, I really, really hate this kind of passive-aggressive statement.  Really.  And frankly, this statement encapsulates why I'm happy we don't live in Home State.  

Seriously, is it necessary to try to initiate an argument via Facebook? And I believe that is what Pita is trying to do.  There is nothing in this statement that suggests she want to have a conversation.  In fact, she is explicitly accusing Archer of not valuing his family, something she repeatedly does.  What she fails to recognize over and over again is that every single decision we make is for the benefit of our family, the family that we created together.  Do we consider Pita in every aspect of our life?  No, much as she doesn't consider us or our children in every aspect of her life.  I also really hate that she thinks she has the right to question Archer as a parent in such a public way.  I could go on and on, but instead, I'll just say that I understand she misses the boys (no, there is not a single part of me that thinks she misses me or Archer).  I understand that we don't get to Home State that often, and I understand that upsets her.  Hell, it upsets me.  I can respect and even validate those feelings if they are presented in a coherent way, in a way that invites conversation, in a way that is expressive without being combatant.  But don't try to call us out on Facebook and expect that we're going to engage in that kind of conversation publicly.  Grow up, Pita.  Now I will go back to work.

Archer's dad

Today would have been Archer's father's 64th birthday, something that both Archer and I completely forgot.  I was only reminded when I randomly logged into Facebook to ask a friend a question and saw Pita's post.  When I got home, I reminded Archer, not because I wanted him to feel bad, but because I don't want him to deal with the shitstorm he's likely to get from Pita and Yetta if he didn't call to ask how Yetta is doing.  So he called, and Yetta was out.  Pita said, "How are you doing?"  He said, "I'm sick.  I have a fever.  I feel awful."  She said, "No, I mean about the other."  Archer gave a long, long sigh, and said, "I completely forgot.  I only remembered b/c M said you posted it on Facebook.  I'm fine.  His birthday doesn't bother me."  Pita didn't say much, but Archer told me he felt like he upset her. 

These phone calls happen on every significant holiday you can think of, and the implication is always that Archer is a horrible human being because he isn't weeping over his dad on Christmas/Father's Day/Valentine's Day/his dad's birthday.  Here is the thing for Archer. He misses his dad every day, and it hits him at the oddest moments.  Like when's he found his dad's camo hat that he didn't know he had or when Wild Man asks a question about animals or nature (Archer's dad was a hunter and loved hiking).  The "big" days aren't hard for him.  The little, every day moments are.  He's explained this to his mom and sister several times, but they just don't get it.  I have no idea why.

Snow day part three

So tomorrow will be the third snow day in a row in CU Land.  This means that the last two days of class for the fall semester have been canceled.  This means that Archer and I have been home with Bear and Wild Man for the last two days, stuck in the house.  Wild Man loves the snow and has made several trips outside to play in the snow.  Bear, who is getting over a bad cold, hates the snow.  In fact, we took him outside briefly today, and he cried the entire time. 

In addition to being snow bound with two children who are getting a bit stir crazy, I have four sets of papers to grade by next Wednesday, including final papers for 2 classes (I'm still getting caught up from the week I was out of town for my grandmother's funeral). I have an exam to write, and all of my students are emailing me because they have final papers due soon and they don't know when they'll see me again!  I'm obsessively checking email in the hopes that I will receive an interview request for my field's big conference which is at the first of the year.  I'm trying to get ready for the holiday, which also means dealing with Archer's family's passive-aggressive comments about how we privilege our careers over our family, i.e. them, every year.  Oh, and we're traveling to Europe for 11 days in less than 10 days for Archer to do some research.  Yes, we will be in Europe for Christmas, which is the reason for all the passive-aggressive comments.  Archer keeps asking me why I'm so tense.  Maybe I should tell him to read this post. . .

The Visit

Yetta and Pita left this yesterday morning.  I’m relieved that the visit is over.  It is also no surprise that the visit has left both Archer feeling really angry at Yetta in particular.  Here are the facts as I observed them, and I willingly admit that I am not remotely objective.

·       They left Cabbage Town on Wednesday, drove north, stopping in various locations, before their planned in CU Land arrival on mid-afternoon Friday.

·       They never called Archer at any point on their way to CU Land to let him know where they were or when we could expect them.  In fact, he had to call them Thursday evening so we could know when to expect them.  He only called because we both had to be on campus Friday and couldn’t leave until picking up the boys from JK and daycare.  If they arrived before 3:30 we had to coordinate how to let them into our house. 

·       When Archer spoke with them they said they would arrive around 2:30 on Friday.  They agreed to meet us at CU so they could give their friends a tour of the campus.

·       I had plans (which I made 2 months ago) to go shopping with a friend, and I was supposed to leave at 5:30, after, I assumed, Yetta and Pita’s arrival.

·       We got home at 4:30, having heard nothing from Yetta or Pita.  At that point they were 2 hours late. 

·       At 5, Archer, who had thought they would be at our house in time for dinner, ordered a pizza for he and the boys.

·       I left at 5:30 to meet my friend, and he took the boys to pick up the pizza.

·       At 6:30, he received a phone call from Yetta and Pita saying they were 15 minutes away.  The arrived at 7, 4.5 hours after they said they would be there.  They did not apologize for being late. In fact, they were upset that Archer and the boys had already eaten and that Archer refused to let the boys stay up past their bedtime (Bear is usually asleep by 7:45, and Wild Man goes to bed at 8:00.).  (On a side note, Archer is a stickler for schedule; he doesn’t like to deviate from the schedule for anyone, even me.)

·       In the middle of the night, after settling down a teething Bear, I heard Yetta vomiting in the downstairs bathroom, and I sent Archer to check on her. 

·       She was sick, and she said she was suffering from an attack of vertigo, which she was diagnosed with last year.  She has not had an attack in 6 months. (Apparently the dizziness of the vertigo makes her sick to her stomach.)

·       By Saturday morning, Yetta was clearly sick, and we all tried to help her out.  Pita got Yetta her anti-nausea meds, I kept the boys as quiet as possible, and Archer went out to get her gingerale and crackers to help settle her stomach.

·       By 9:30 it was really clear she wasn’t going to be able to do much for the day, so we adjusted the schedule to account for her absence.  She then had a 10 minute breakdown because she wasn’t able to take Wild Man and Bear shopping or attend Wild Man’s soccer practice.  She had said breakdown in front of my children, unnecessarily stressing out them both.

·       By noon she was miraculously recovered and able to go out to lunch with all of us because, as she told Archer, “There’s nothing here that I think my stomach can handle.” (Note: bagels, toast, bananas, applesauce, cheerios, turkey, and a lot of other plain foods were available in my refrigerator.)

·       After lunch she was feeling well enough to have Archer take her and her friends (who were staying at a nearby hotel) on a tour of the area.  She did, however, have a bucket in her lap the entire time in case she got sick.

·       For the rest of the afternoon, she sat on the couch and complained or slept while Pita and their friends played with Bear and Wild Man.  In fact, at Pita’s insistence Archer and I went out to dinner and Pita and their friends fed the boys and kept them entertained until we got home right at bedtime.  Yetta sat on the couch.

·     Sunday she woke up sick again, and we all urged her to go to the doctor.  She refused—until 3:00.  She then made Pita drive her to the nearest state and take her to the emergency room (Medicaid wouldn’t cover her visit to a hospital in Canada).  She got upset because her friends elected to stay in their hotel rather than go to the ER with her. 

So those are the facts.  Was she sick?  Yes, it was an attack of vertigo, for which I’m really, really sorry.  I wish she had felt better.  I wish she had been able to talk to and play with the boys more.  That said, I do feel like she amped up the drama whenever she could.  I’m sure she was sick.  I am not, however, sure how sick she was.  I feel like she made it out to be a lot worse than it was for the attention.  Unfortunately, she wasn’t very successful as Archer and I both took the, “well, I’m sorry your sick.  It seems like you just need to rest.  We have to go on with our day” approach.  She made it clear through some passive-aggressive comments (like “I guess I’ll just drive myself to the hospital.” and “Oh, you think I’ve ruined the whole weekend.”) that she was not happy with our behavior.  She also made it very clear that she was annoyed by all the attention Wild Man gave Pita and that she thinks I coddle Bear, who refused to go to her at all (he’s 15 months old; he is going through his “I only want Mommy!” phase.  He doesn’t even want Archer some days.).  It was an exhausting weekend because I felt like I was held captive in my house.  We couldn’t leave in case she needed us, and the few times one of us left, she made it really clear that “we deserted her.”  I’m glad it is over.  I’m even more glad I don’t have to see her again for a long time.

We have returned

We got back to CU Land on Sunday after spending a week in Home State with our families. For the most part, we had a good trip. I made a conscious effort to be relaxed and not to focus on fairly minor things. My parents also made an effort to plan for having 4 extra people in the house. My mom had stocked up on groceries, and my dad cooked two of the three nights we were with them. The fourth we had salad and ordered pizza, which was totally fine. The biggest issue we had during our stay with my parents was that Bear caught a cold the day before we left, and he was running a fever between 100 and 102 for much of the time we were with my mom and dad. As long as he had medicine in him, he was fine, but the minute the medicine wore off and the fever returned he was, well, a bear. C ended up sleeping in my parents' recliner holding Bear upright for several hours a night, and I ended up getting up early with him. All in all it was a minor illness, and by mid-week, Bear was fever-free and feeling better. It was really great to spend time with my parents.

Seeing Yetta was another issue altogether. In an attempt to be positive, I have decided not to blog about the drama that occurred on the day before we left. Suffice to say, there was drama, though, and it involved a thoughtless comment on her part coupled with my attempt to be mature and tell her that the comment, which was apparently intended as a "joke," hurt my feelings. The resulting conversation was not pretty (once again, I was labeled as ungrateful, impossible, and malicious), and it ended with C so angry that he is still not speaking to his mother. I was not in the room for much of the conversation as I removed myself and the boys once the shouting commenced, but I did hear C shout something to the effect of "You don't want to put me in a position to choose between you and my wife because you will not be happy with my choice." Luckily Bear was oblivious to it all, but Wild Man was angry. He only understood that his mommy was upset and his daddy was shouting. I had to physically restrain him from leaving the back of the house to give his Yetta a lecture "for hurting my mommy and daddy's feelings." He told me at least 3 times that he would "take care of it, Mommy. I will go put Yetta in time out for being unkind to you and my daddy." I managed to distract him with packing as I knew his presence would have only aggravated the situation--somehow Wild Man's reaction would have been blamed on me, even though I told him nothing about what was going on.

I've been thinking about these sorts of arguments and how they routinely occur during our trips to Home State. Every visit we've made since C's dad died has ended with a similar argument, and these arguments always seem to happen either the day before we leave to go home or the day we leave Yetta's house to go stay with my parents. I think she starts an argument because she is wholly unable to discuss her sadness that we're leaving. I really want to tell her that we'd all be much happier if she could only say, "I'm so sad you're leaving. I wish I could see you all more often," rather than pick a fight as a way to express her emotions. I could deal with that honesty. I can't deal with passive-aggressive comments that are meant to tell me I'm a bad mother-wife-daughter-in-law who is constantly manipulating to keep her son and grandsons away from her.

Aside from that, the trip went really well. Wild Man fell in love with his cousin J, who is only 14-months older than he is. They spent all day Friday and Saturday of the visit playing, and they gave each other a very long hug good-bye on Saturday night. Seeing them together almost makes me want to move closer--almost.

Really, really, really pissed

A few months ago I deleted a post about my mother-in-law because I wanted to make an effort to appreciate the things about her that I really like rather than focus on the things I don't like. Well this post isn't about my MIL directly; it is about my sister-in-law, but it indirectly involves my MIL.

I first want to say that I've been sitting at my computer reading emails and checking out the few news sites I visit every day, trying to talk myself out of writing about a phone call that C received from my SIL last night. I really don't want to be the person who never says anything positive about my in-laws. But then as I almost had myself talked out of writing about said phone call I heard a little voice in my head say "M, she never has anything positive to say about you and she specifically called last night in an attempt to start an argument with your husband, which would have resulted in an argument between you and C." Bottom line, I'm pissed, and I'm blogging about it.

First some background: C grew up in a very small Southern town (the former cabbage capital of the world), which I've said before. But he didn't grow up in some backwater place; it is 40 minutes from a city of 1 million people. Said city isn't a booming metropolis, by any stretch of the imagination, but it is the most liberal city in our Home State (and that is actually saying something). My point is that while Cabbage Town is very small the people in it live very close to a big city, most of whom work in the big city or at least visit the big city at least once a week. These are not people who have lived exclusively in a small town and know nothing of the world. While they are conservative politically and socially, they are, by and large, educated individuals, most of whom defy the stereotypes surrounding small town individuals. That said, most of them, especially the mothers, do fulfill one stereotype: they expect their children to stay in the same small town. It is expected that the children of Cabbage Town will marry other children of Cabbage Town. When they marry outside of Cabbage Town it is expected that they will either live in Big City close to Cabbage Town or move their families to Cabbage Town. C did neither of those things, and he is constantly reminded of this. Usually the reminders come in the form of a phone call from Yetta. The phone calls almost always go something like this:

Yetta: Do you remember X, the girl you once held hands with on the playground with when you were 4?

C: Um, no, I don't remember her.

Yetta: Well I ran into her mother yesterday at the Piggly Wiggly, and she asked about you. I always thought the two of you would have made such a cute couple . . .maybe if you and she had gotten together you would live closer to Cabbage Town.

C: I have no idea who you're talking about; how do you remember this stuff?

Last night the phone call was from C's sister, whom I am henceforth affectionately calling Pita (as in pain in the ass).

Pita: Mom is buying some furniture from the store in ritzy suburb of Big City.

C: That's great. I know she's been wanting to get some new things.

Pita: Did you know X works there now?

C: Um, X? I don't think I know her.

Pita: Yes, you do! You dated her when you were a sophomore in high school!

C: Um, I did? (Pause as he tries to remember.) You know that was about 15 years ? X? Oh, yes, I remember her. We went out two or three times. How is she? (at this point he looked at me with the "please get me off the phone look." Unfortunately I was putting Wild Man to bed and couldn't help.)

Pita: Wasn't she the girl who said she was pregnant while you were dating? What was that about?

C: I have no idea what you're talking about.

Pita: Were you such a slut in high school that you don't remember this girl? How many people did you sleep with? Does M know about this?

So what was she talking about? C has carefully reconstructed his past in an attempt to figure out what the hell his sister was getting at. C did have a brief relationship with this woman when they were teenagers. Was she ever pregnant? C has no idea, but apparently years later (about 5 years well after they stopped seeing each other and no longer spoke) a friend of hers told several people in Cabbage Town that she had been pregnant in high school. This got back to Yetta and Pita, who at the time interrogated C about it, who knew nothing about it. He was urged to contact her to get to the bottom of the rumor--and to satisfy their warped sense of small town curiosity.

Pita apparently continued with the questions for a few more minutes until it became clear that she was not going to provoke a response out of C and then she abruptly ended the conversation. C and I didn't have a chance to talk about the entire conversation until this morning, and as he told me about the conversation (and the past events) I got more and more angry. Here is why I am angry:

• Pita only called to try to get a rise out of C; once she realized she couldn't accomplish that, she got off the phone.
• These phone calls are pointless, annoying, and completely disrespectful of our marriage.
• I feel like she called to start an argument between me and C.
  
• And finally, I pissed because in a weird way she succeeded. C and I didn't have an argument, but here I am so pissed that I'm blogging about it.
  

I do not understand the motivation behind calling a family member with the sole purpose to start an argument, either with that family member to between that family member and someone else. What kind of person does that? My sister-in-law, that's who. And this isn't the first time she's done it, and I know it won't be the last. The other annoying thing is that there is absolutely no point in confronting her about it. If C were to call her and tell her she's out of line and that her behavior is inappropriate and unacceptable, he would only succeed in giving her what she wants. Ignoring her is the best way to shut her down.

In the past year, Pita has done some fairly despicable things (including calling me and my other sister-in-law ugly, ugly names behind our backs), and I no longer trust her, like her, or want to be around her. I realize after rereading what I've written that it may seem like I'm totally blowing this out of proportion (and I have been known to do that), but I can't believe she was trying to do anything other than start something. I want to yell at her "This is the sort of thing you do when you're in middle school!!" I am sorry she is so unhappy with her own life that she feels she has to actively try to make other people unhappy too, but I am so tired of her crap.