Yesterday I acted as a doula for my good friend and happily helped her and her husband welcome their beautiful baby girl into the world. I have to say birth is an entirely different experience when you're not the one giving birth. It was so thrilling to see Baby J crown and to encourage her mother to fulfill her goal of unmedicated childbirth. I was deeply honored to be there and very, very happy to return the favor, as Baby J's mama acted as my doula at S's birth three months ago. As I was with my birth experience, I was deeply awed by the strength of the female body. Welcome to the world Baby J!
After such a great day, I woke up this morning not feeling so great. Today is the first day I take S to daycare. I will be with him the entire time as we're spending this week transitioning. Tomorrow C will take him, and on Friday, we will take him together. We've talked about this endlessly, and while I know it is the right decision, I feel horrible. I'm going to be a complete wreck next Monday, the first day I will leave him by himself. As I reread that sentence, I know how preposterous it sounds. I am not leaving him by himself. I'm leaving him with capable caregivers whom I trust and who were highly recommended by two good friends. I know I'm setting myself up to feel like a bad mother, whatever that means, but I really feel like I'm leaving him all alone.
2 comments:
Oh, I'm jealous -- I really dream of seeing a birth, other than the birth of my own babies that I didn't get to see fully (although I saw everything through the mirror that I asked them to put at the feet of the bed). I'm do glad you and your friend were able to do this for each other -- wonderful!!
As for sending your baby to daycare -- I really don't know what that is and I imagine that it must be extremely difficult. I'm very lucky that my parents can help me by coming here and staying with us for many months at a time (they're coming back at the end of this month so I can finally finish the Ph.D.).
I hope the transition is OK and that you don't feel so terrible about all this.
You certainly don't sound preposterous for thinking you're leaving S "all by himself" because being separated from him like that feels just as bad as leaving him all by himself. Nobody can replace you, or do things just like you would, or know your son like you do. This has been the hardest part of my experience with my baby going to daycare. No care is as good as the care you & your husband provide. But, having a safe, loving group of people to help you take care of him is the next best thing. Thinking of the daycare staff as part of my 'home team' helped my husband and I adjust and feel more comfortable with our decision.
I would forewarn you about one thing, though...It doesn't necessarily get easy after 1 or 2 days, or 1-2 weeks even...Baby E has been in daycare for a month now, and I still have bad days, in which I'll feel so guilty that I'll leave work early to go get her. Or I'll find it too hard to leave her in the mornings, so I sit and rock her in the infant room for a half hour before I can work up the strength to leave. I'm not sure if it ever gets 'easy'...
My thoughts are with you as you go through this, because I truly know how hard it is.
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