We got back to CU Land on Sunday after spending a week in Home State with our families. For the most part, we had a good trip. I made a conscious effort to be relaxed and not to focus on fairly minor things. My parents also made an effort to plan for having 4 extra people in the house. My mom had stocked up on groceries, and my dad cooked two of the three nights we were with them. The fourth we had salad and ordered pizza, which was totally fine. The biggest issue we had during our stay with my parents was that Bear caught a cold the day before we left, and he was running a fever between 100 and 102 for much of the time we were with my mom and dad. As long as he had medicine in him, he was fine, but the minute the medicine wore off and the fever returned he was, well, a bear. C ended up sleeping in my parents' recliner holding Bear upright for several hours a night, and I ended up getting up early with him. All in all it was a minor illness, and by mid-week, Bear was fever-free and feeling better. It was really great to spend time with my parents.
Seeing Yetta was another issue altogether. In an attempt to be positive, I have decided not to blog about the drama that occurred on the day before we left. Suffice to say, there was drama, though, and it involved a thoughtless comment on her part coupled with my attempt to be mature and tell her that the comment, which was apparently intended as a "joke," hurt my feelings. The resulting conversation was not pretty (once again, I was labeled as ungrateful, impossible, and malicious), and it ended with C so angry that he is still not speaking to his mother. I was not in the room for much of the conversation as I removed myself and the boys once the shouting commenced, but I did hear C shout something to the effect of "You don't want to put me in a position to choose between you and my wife because you will not be happy with my choice." Luckily Bear was oblivious to it all, but Wild Man was angry. He only understood that his mommy was upset and his daddy was shouting. I had to physically restrain him from leaving the back of the house to give his Yetta a lecture "for hurting my mommy and daddy's feelings." He told me at least 3 times that he would "take care of it, Mommy. I will go put Yetta in time out for being unkind to you and my daddy." I managed to distract him with packing as I knew his presence would have only aggravated the situation--somehow Wild Man's reaction would have been blamed on me, even though I told him nothing about what was going on.
I've been thinking about these sorts of arguments and how they routinely occur during our trips to Home State. Every visit we've made since C's dad died has ended with a similar argument, and these arguments always seem to happen either the day before we leave to go home or the day we leave Yetta's house to go stay with my parents. I think she starts an argument because she is wholly unable to discuss her sadness that we're leaving. I really want to tell her that we'd all be much happier if she could only say, "I'm so sad you're leaving. I wish I could see you all more often," rather than pick a fight as a way to express her emotions. I could deal with that honesty. I can't deal with passive-aggressive comments that are meant to tell me I'm a bad mother-wife-daughter-in-law who is constantly manipulating to keep her son and grandsons away from her.
Aside from that, the trip went really well. Wild Man fell in love with his cousin J, who is only 14-months older than he is. They spent all day Friday and Saturday of the visit playing, and they gave each other a very long hug good-bye on Saturday night. Seeing them together almost makes me want to move closer--almost.
6 comments:
Two things:
1) 'He told me at least 3 times that he would "take care of it, Mommy. I will go put Yetta in time out for being unkind to you and my daddy."' Just about broke my heart.
and
2) You are really perceptive and thoughtful. I appreciate that you notice what's really going on with Yetta and her fights. Doesn't make it easier to deal with, doesn't excuse it, but at least you have the emotional maturity to be able to see her behaviors for what they are.
Awww, Wild Man is a dear! You clearly have taught him well and he loves his mommy and daddy dearly. I wish he didn't have to see his grandma have these outbursts :-( and I'm sure you do too.
I think Kate is right. It's very perceptive to notice the timing of the fights and intuit their psychological purpose. It is too bad that she can't express herself more directly. At least, though, you can take comfort in that it isn't actually about you. It's about her and her misdirected grief.
Of course, kate is also right that this doesn't make her easier to deal with.
As you know, I've had some similar problems with Hubby's mother. I think you're right in thinking that none of this is necessarily about you per se. I think, in our case at least, there's also a seeming unwillingness to detach from the mothering of an oldest son. There has been some sort of privileged status given to Hubby (for all sorts of reasons), and his mom is unable or unwilling to recognize his adult roles as a husband and father, and the prioritizing of his own nuclear family over his childhood family. It can't have anything to do with me because I only exist as The Person Hubby Married/The Mother of Hubby's Children.
Thank goodness C stepped in! I wish Hubby would do the same.`
Thanks for the supportive comments, friends. Knowing that Yetta's comments have little to do with me (even though most are addressed directly to me or are about me) doesn't make it much easier to deal with. When I'm with her, I find myself making a mental list about things I will not do when Wild Man and Bear are adults have significant others. That gets me through. I also try to remind myself that it is likely easier for her to be angry with me than it is for her to be angry with C.
There are times, however, when I think she'd be happier if I just fell off the face of the earth so she could have C and the boys all to herself.
Sympathies about the MIL. W/o children things are fairly tense between me and my husband's mother, should we have children, it will get much worse. Similar insensitive comments (my favorite recent one being about a job I applied too and how it was "too far away." If you knew the state I live in and how close these cities are you'd laugh.)
Wild Man is such a dear. It's amazing how much a child can pick up and it is sweet in it's own way that he feels so protective of his parents. Heartbreaking, sure, but sweet as well, that he wanted to fix it all for you. Glad the rest of the trip went well and that the cousins got along!
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