I think a lot about whether I am a good parent, and Kate's recent post at Academic Ecology made me ask myself the "Am I Good Enough?" question yet again. It is very safe to say that C and I ask one another this question a lot. While I do feel like I'm a successful parent most of the time, there are lots of reasons why I think I'm not doing a good job, and I make bad parenting decisions almost every day. C and I do try to discuss the bad decisions, and if I make a bad decision, I expect him to say, "Um, M, that wasn't such a good move," as I also help him recognize his mistakes. Suffice to say, we spend a lot of time talking about our children, how we parent, how we want to parent, and how to be better parents.
After reading Kate's post, I began to wonder if there is a direct correlation between being a good parent and doubting whether one is a good parent. It seems to me that the best parents I know, including my blogging mama buddies Kate, Anastasia, Lilian, Profgrrrl, and AcadeMama, as well as my real life mama friends Meg, ML, Supadiscomama, P-Duck, Jennie, Sarah, and L, are constantly questioning their parenting decisions. And each of these ladies are wonderful, thoughtful, concerned, and involved parents, although each and everyone of them has a parenting style that fits their individual children and lives. I also know these ladies agonize about various parenting decisions similarly to the way C and I do. I think that thinking about parenting doesn't make one neurotic (as I have been told in the past and as I have occasionally felt); rather, it makes one a better parent.
5 comments:
I do hope so!! 'Cause I do feel crazy neurotic at times when dealing with Kelvin's schooling. And I'm getting tired of all the agonizing over this. One thing I know. I'll be a better parent when the boys start going to school again. Sigh.
I hope so, too. Kate's post really hit me. I was thinking about responding. I've been thinking a lot lately about whether I'm doing okay, especially with my eldest who is not old enough to question my decisions now and then--which should not be my barometer, I realize. She's five and thinks I should play with her every waking moment. Still. I wonder. Then again, I think you're right that the worry makes me evaluate how I'm doing and make changes, both in what I do and in the things I say to my kids. It's a relationship, after all. We have to communicate.
Anyway, I hope you're right.
You're sweet, M. But I have to say that I don't necessarily think there is a correlation between being a good parent and doubting or thinking about whether or not you're a good parent. I think about my parenting a lot, but that's my personality and not a prerequisite for or qualification of good parenting. Nor does it mean I'm neurotic, although I am a bit of that too! For me, so much thinking does help ME to parent as best I can, but I don't think it works that way for everybody.
Gabe does not think about parenting a lot, not in the way I do. But he is a great parent. He is relaxed and confident, he does his best (which is in many ways perferable to my best) and trusts his instincts. He is loving and accepting of imperfection, both of Luke's and his own. He has great faith that all will be fine and he does not exert an ounce of energy doubting his best efforts or worrying about what is beyond his control. But that's HIS personality, and not necessarily what makes him a great parent either.
In my opinion great parenting stems from unconditionally loving your child, getting to know them as well as you possibly can so you have a reasonable understanding of who they are and what they as an individual need to thrive (which in most cases isn't necessarily what you needed to thrive), and finally doing the best you possibly can to see that their needs are met and that they as individuals feel valued and validated.
I also happen to believe there is a bit of luck involved with great child/parent dynamics. Meaning one could be a great parent for one particular child, but not necessarily be the parent another child needs or desires, and it's the luck of the draw that who you are as a parent matches who your child needs as a parent. In this sense the truly exceptional parent would be the one who is not naturally the parent their child needs, but is able to recognize that and be flexible enough to become the parent their child needs.
PS- M, you are a great parent!
M, you are awesome. I think the reality is that we all are. And for the most part I do think that if we completely and fully love our children that does make us good parents. And there is variation in what strategies work for which parents and which kids. But there do seem to be some strategies that are better than others, even among those parents who completely and fully love their kids (plenty of parents who hit their children do completely and fully love their children, they just also have major shit going on).
I guess that's why I was struck by your post, and do actually agree that good parenting often comes from thinking about parenting. I was speaking to someone in our teaching center recently who said that the best teachers are the ones who are constantly reading about pedagogy, who are self-effacing and say things like "Oh, you don't want to visit my class this week because I've totally changed things up this semester and it's in upheaval!" But that constant thoughtfulness, zest for learning new things, and interest in improvement is what makes them so good. I think this can be extended to parenting. How many of us have thought of things our parents did that we will keep, and things that we reject?
It may seem like I think about parenting more than my husband (he is a relaxed and confident parent, very good at caring for our daughter). I certainly talk about it more. But just because my thinking is more public than his doesn't mean he isn't thinking about it. He may not identify the thinking, or if he does he may not share it. We talk about parenting; often because I am sharing something with him that I've read or tried. But he thinks about it and often incorporates it into his practice as well.
I also think men have often been conditioned to NOT talk about these sorts of things -- not just parenting, but talking about struggles, difficulties, strategies. We often see these things as signs of weakness, at least in most North American culture I've witnessed so far. And we can't handle that in men, even though it's not actually weakness.
Ugh. Totally hijacked your comments. But what you wrote was so interesting and led me to think about lots of things! :)
I just wanted to check back in here to say I'm still thinking about all of these issues. I'm planning a response post to continue the conversation.
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