I've started this post about 5 times, and every time I begin it with a lengthy caveat about being thin and how I know that most women would like to have the problem I'm currently having with my body. I'm not sure why I feel it necessary to apologize for being thin, but I do. Ok, so that's not true. I feel it necessary to apologize for being thin and for complaining about being thin because I've been made to feel like it isn't ok for me to have body issues based on my thinness or that my thinness is an affront on people who aren't as thin as I am or that I need to be reprimanded for being thin because, after all, I'm thin to make other people feel bad about themselves. Case in point, at my wedding, my sister-in-law told me I made her sick because of how small my waist is. Nice thing to be told at my wedding, right? But then I thought this is my blog, and I will write whatever I want to write, comments be damned.
Anyway, since giving birth to Bear, my body has changed dramatically. I have lost all of the weight I gained while pregnant and then some. In fact, I now weigh about 10 pounds less than I did when I got pregnant with Bear. None of my clothes fit, and shopping trips are incredibly frustrating. Anything I try on I try on knowing I will have to have altered. C is getting concerned as I eat like a horse (literally, I eat as much as he does), and I'm still losing weight even though I'm not trying to and I'm not really exercising (chasing after a pre-schooler and breastfeeding Bear do count as exercise in my mind). But this post isn't about any potential health issues (of which I'm fairly certain there aren't any; my metabolism just seems to be in overdrive lately, although I do have a doctor's appointment to get everything checked out just in case). It is about body issues.
I'm so tired of pulling out my favorite shirt/skirt/dress/pants/jeans only to discover that everything is too big. I know this is an issue lots of people would love to have (there I go apologizing), but I don't. I feel like I'm too thin. Seriously, everything I own needs to be taken in. It's incredibly frustrating. I don't want to be this thin. I don't want to have the body of a 12-year-old girl with big boobs (boobs that will disappear as soon as I stop breastfeeding Bear). Before I got pregnant with Bear, I had some curves, not a lot mind you, but some. Now, I just look skinny. I want to be able to wear something without having to cinch my belt as tight as possible. I don't want people to say, "My god, you've gotten so skinny." Or "I wish I was as thin as you." Really I don't. I just want to wear my favorite dress and my favorite jeans and know that they look nice on me, not like they are falling off of me.
9 comments:
I understand why you're apologizing but I agree with you that you shouldn't have to. Anyone who thinks they want your problem doesn't get it. Women can't win--if you're too fat or too thin it's never quite right.
I have had friends who had a hard time sustaining breastfeeding without losing quite a lot of weight. Women's bodies work differently--I usually retain a little bit until after I finish nursing--but I have known others who found themselves getting up in the middle of the night to eat and eating like a horse and were *still* losing weight during nursing.
I don't know if that's related or not. It just came to mind.
I'm just SO SO glad that you wrote this post!!! You totally make me feel less alone in the world! Have you read my post from a year ago on the topic? Yours is so nice (and apologetic), compared to mine, which was kind of a reaction to some blog posts I'd read at the time regarding body issues. I think I just sound bitter and unhappy, which is not nice. But then, again, why is it that we feel we have to apologize for being unhappy about being so skinny!!
OK, here's the link. I just re-read my post and it's not that bad. I'm not really bitter, just realistic. I kind of liked reading it!
As I say in the post, my one and only "endownment" as far as curves are concerned is my cute "Brazilian derriere", 'cause I'm awfully flat chested and since I don't have any hips, so I don't have a thin waist either... :-(
Oh, and I don't remember if I wrote there(I read too quickly), but I often buy clothes in the children's section. The only pants that really fit me well (particularly jeans and corduroy pants, which are a staple for me) are size 14 (16 is too long and sometimes too loose on the waist).
Anyway... I think I'd worry if I were losing weight even eating a whole lot! Unless you're always like that. I have a threshold, I never go under 98-100 lbs. I'd worry if I did. Do talk to your doctor, but I guess everything is fine, it's just your metabolism.
You commented on that post! I'm so glad you also posted about it now.
What you describe about your favorite clothes being too big is something I don't recall having ever experienced. Well, at least not after many of my clothes are a children's size 14 like they are now. ;-)
Let's exchange notes again after you're done nursing ;-). I found that the "going south" situation improves a bit after a while (it was quite dramatic after 5 years of non-stop breastfeeding, I tell ya). But I wish I could afford the job before I were too old (it looks like it'll be many years before I can afford it, and then, I'm afraid I'll feel I'm too old of a lady to do it... :-( ).
OK, just rambling. But it's OH, SO GOOD to know someone knows how I feel about this!
M, when I was breastfeeding I also ate like a horse (more than Gabe) and continued to lose weight. I was about 8-10 pounds less than the weight I had been for two decades. I would try not to worry about this, at least not while you're still nursing. Your body will most likely return to your prepregnancy weight once you wean Bear. For me, I began to gain weight almost the minute I stopped. But it took about a year for my appetite to go back to normal. And it took that year for my weight to go back to normal as well. Now unlike you I was sort of hoping the lower weight would last, because I kind of enjoyed people telling me I was so thin and tiny. I realize those comments are annoying to you, but I bet they would be compliments to the people who are making them or else they wouldn't say such things to you. Try not to read anything more into them than that. And just wait until you hit your late 30s and your metabolism slows to the point that, even if you exercise and restrict your caloric intake to 1500/day, you will still gain weight. You'll have to come back to this post to remember that clothes being too loose was once your problem!
Lilian, I remember that post, and I thought about your post as I wrote mine.
Jennie and Anastasia, I do think a lot of this weight loss is due to breastfeeding. C and I were talking last night and when I stopped nursing Wild Man I weighed less than I did when I got pregnant with him, but only by 2 or 3 pounds. I didn't experience a dramatic weight loss like this, however.
As for compliments, I can take a compliment. Like most people I appreciate being told I look nice. But for much of my life (since 16 or so), being told I'm thin or skinny or tiny hasn't always come across as a compliment. Often it is a backhanded compliment. My sisters-in-law have often commented on it, and while it isn't always the content of what they're saying it is usually the tone (which I know I can't effectively convey in a blog post or a comment). It becomes very frustrating to be told (even implicitly) that I think I'm better than everyone because I'm thin, or that my being thin only reminds people that they are big in comparison. I don't think comments like these are meant as compliments--for example, when I've been told, "How can you be that skinny? I've seen what you eat. Are you bulimic?" I think, on some level at least, such comments are meant to make me feel bad about being thin, which I really have no control over.
M, my best friend had a heck of a time keeping on weight with breast feeding.
It's nice to hear someone else talk about the difficulties of being thin. I'm not now, but I used to be and when other women gripped about their bodies, I always heard "well you can't complain, you don't know what it's like. You can eat whatever you want." This among other comments about my lack of womanly curves, doesn't help a girl feel all that great. These are our bodies, and there's not much we can do about that at times.
I think these comments come out of people's own insecurities about their bodies but they are clearly meant to belittle you and make you ashamed of your body. I'm sorry people say these things.
I am too. It took me years to like my body, and I never felt confident as a thin girl. Imagine if I had, instead of hiding it with baggy clothes. And a girl can't win, because once you gain weight people make comments about that.
Thanks for the support, everyone! I appreciate it so much.
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