- They left today and will be driving back through upstate NY to tour some wineries. Pita doesn't return to work until Sunday, so in my mind, they could have stayed at least one more day to spend time with the boys.
- My refrigerator now contains 2 jars of mustard and 2 jars of relish because they had hot dogs for dinner on Saturday and didn't like the brands of mustard and relish I had on hand.
- Yesterday C took them to Toys 'R Us to buy gifts for Bear's upcoming birthday. They left the store with a water table for Bear and a more expensive toy for Wild Man. (Ok, so this really, really bugs me, and I'm going to comment on it here. I truly don't care that she bought Wild Man a gift, and I know Bear will love the water table. What bothers me is that she spent more money on Wild Man when she was ostensibly shopping for Bear's birthday. It bothers me because I see it as symptomatic of the way she and Pita treat Bear in general. As the 4th grandson/nephew, he just isn't seen as important as Wild Man and his cousins. They rarely ask about Bear, they made little effort to connect with him, and they left early when they could have had another day with him, which I would think would be especially important as they were with Wild Man all weekend and we took Bear with us. When they were with him, they both complained that he was frightened by them and refused to go to either of them, which he did, and rather than spend more time with him so he could become accustomed to them, they left early.)
- The visit began with them both questioning C on "M's stress level." In fact, Pita asked "Is M managing any better than she was when you all came to visit us in February?" (I'm commenting here. So, right, she's recalling the fight when I told Yetta she hurt my feelings and Yetta told me I was selfish and didn't know what it was like to have a cruel MIL. Was I stressed out that visit? Damn right I was. In addition to that fight, I was dealing with Bear who had been sick all week and was only sleeping in 3 hour increments as well as Wild Man, who was completely off his schedule. I had 40 papers to grade, was being interrogated about our decision to live in Canada, and was told I didn't try hard enough to get a job in the States so we could move closer to them. So, yes, I was stressed out. Am I managing better? I manage wonderfully most days, I think, especially days I'm not judged by my in-laws.)
- C was told at least twice that we privilege money over family. This was made in response to him pointing out several times (in response to questions about jobs) that we make considerably more money at CU than we would in the states. In fact, I personally make about twice what most full time adjuncts make in the states, and C makes about 20% more what most assistant professors make.
- C was told we value our careers over our families.
- We were told that Mexico is too dangerous and we can't possibly take the boys there when C needs to go there to do research.
- C was told that my sister is mentally unstable and a bad influence on our children.
- C was told that I'm too controlling and need to relax in my parenting style.
- I was told that my SIL J is too lax and needs to take more charge in her parenting style.
- It became abundantly clear to me that neither C nor his older brother ever do anything wrong but that they made poor choices with their wives and that Pita and Yetta could parent my children better than I can.
Wednesday, June 02, 2010
Trying to Understand
So a lot happened in the course of Yetta and Pita's visit, and instead of being angry (as I usually am after spending time with them), I want to try to understand them. I'm doing this in the goals of encouraging a positive relationship between them and my children, not necessarily between them and myself. I, for one, am perfectly comfortable to keep them at arm's length. But I do want them to be involved in my children's lives as I see how much they love Bear and Wild Man. So I'm just going list out a few things that struck me. I may blog about certain things in more depth later as I try to come to terms with all of this.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
5 comments:
I think you hit on why they don't like you in your last bullet: you aren't good enough for C. Period. I seriously doubt that anybody could be, which is to say it isn't actually about you. It affects you, though, which completely sucks. I'm sorry.
I really truly understand *exactly* what you mean in the last two sentences. I've had those same two questions regarding my in-laws, though I've come to my own resolutions on each. In the first instance, I just came right out and asked (in a letter): What did I ever do to make you not like me? (something to that effect, but 100% direct). The response I got helped me resolve the second question. That is to say that the response confirmed what I'd suspected all along: it's not about me, because I'm not seen as a separate person, someone with an identity, existence, and history of my own. Rather, I am the person Hubby married. His wife and mother to his children. Period.
Once I realized this, and moreover realized that it probably would never change, it was like a wave of relief came over me. Suddenly, none of it mattered anymore. We care about what our family (and friends) think of us because we want to be liked. We want to be recognized as good people--flawed, of course--but good people with good intentions who genuinely want what is best for those we love. I know I've thrown around the "I don't care what people think line dozens of times in my life. But inside, I usually care, and I can't help it.
This time, though, I really don't care...at least not much. Would I like to be liked? Of course. Do I want a good relationship with them? Absolutely. But, I recognize that those are things that might just not be possible for reasons that are out of my control, so I can't allow my energy, time, and spirit to be devoted to things that are beyond my control. I really do feel a sense of calm now, and I feel like I'm handling things in a way that won't have negative effects on the relationships my kids have with their grandparents.
I'm sorry you have to go through this with each visit. I hope you and C find a way to get some sort of resolution or peace.
Thanks to both of you. You're both 100% right--it isn't about me. Unfortunately, that doesn't make it any easier to deal with. I am frustrated with myself b/c I do think that after a decade of marriage that I should have developed a tougher skin. It seems, however, that I am increasingly more sensitive to their actions. It has all become more complicated since Wild Man and Bear were born (and since C's dad died, interestingly enough). It was very easy to say I don't care before the boys were born, but it is harder now. Wild Man especially notices that I'm tense when they are here, and I know one day Bear will notice that he is treated differently. I could handle it if it was just me, but I'm having a hard time dealing with it b/c of my sons.
It's really different when you add kids and I think after you add each kid, it changes. That's been my experience--and as frustrating as my MIL is, she doesn't have the same block your in laws seem to have. It's ten years of marriage but not that many years of kids. You may still find ways to cope.
M, I'm sorry, this is tough stuff. I think the 'problem' in most cases is that it's just hard to blend families, because they're all so different, and nobody realizes how unique their family/perspective is until they try to blend it with another one. So of course people who assume their family is normal easily conflict with anyone who is different and therefore (I think the term typically used here is...) CRAZY. And there tends to be a lot of defensiveness going on too, as different can sometimes make people feel insecure about their version of normal, if that makes sense at all. I am so articulate these days! Anyway, add a little power jockeying and differing expectations to the mix of difficulty, defensiveness, and insecurity and you have one big mess.
The good news is that I really think everybody goes through this to some degree and even you will go through it again when Wild Man and Bear marry and have children of their own. For example, you'll do things differently, like mind your own business about where they decide to live, so as not to annoy your daughters-in-law the way Yetta and Pita annoyed you, and your daughters-in-law may interpret that as you not caring, or showing no interest in their families, or you just not liking them enough to want them to live nearby. Because people are different, and because it's hard to blend families.
For me, it has actually gotten easier to deal with my in-laws (who, honestly, were never that difficult, but I made them difficult in my head since they were not my version of normal) since I've had Luke, because all of a sudden I realize that someday I am going to be the in-law, and not a wife's mother either (which I do believe is somewhat easier), but a husband's mother! And my son is my world, and probably always will be my world, even though someday I will be just a small part of his world. And even though that's the way things are supposed to be, I imagine that is still going to be very hard for me. And I hope my daughter-in-law understands that when I inevitably drive her nuts with my own crazy version of normal and my inadvertent yet no less inappropriate attempts to reassert and validate my position in his life.
PS--as I was typing this VERY LONG comment my son kept bothering me with all sorts of things and I found myself ordering him to go away (so I could write about how he's my world). Sigh.
Post a Comment