Did I mention. . .

that Yetta is dating.  Yes, and they are talking about getting married.  Archer and I are still trying to get a hold of that one.

For the record. . .

I hate baby talk.  I do not speak baby talk to my children (although I don't necessarily talk to them like they are adults).  Baby talk drives me absolutely insane.  Seriously.  Insane.

Venting

As I posted a few weeks ago, Yetta and I have been getting along very well.  She has, however, made a few comments in the last few days that I'm trying hard not to let bother me.  To that end, I'm writing a post to get out my frustration rather than let it eat away at me.

• She called last night while Archer was taking Wild Man to soccer practice.  She called at 6:00, which she knows is dinner time at our house, and she wanted to have a lengthy conversation about the boys' school pictures.  Yes, that's right, she was calling to passive/aggressively remind me to send her copies of the boys' school pictures.  And I do mean passive/aggressively.
• While we were talking, she also asked if it is okay if she and Pita visit together during August.  Archer and I had thought that Yetta was coming alone and that Pita was coming sometime in the fall.  She assured me their visit will only overlap by 3 or 4 days; she told Archer 2 or 3 days.  I do not think I will be in the frame of mind to have them both in the house when the baby is only a few weeks old, but how can I say, "Um, no!"?  I've asked Archer to handle this as tactfully as possible.
• She also asked if we're planning to travel to Home State for Christmas.  Seriously. 
• She called this morning to wish Bear a happy birthday, which was incredibly thoughtful.  We were, however, trying to get out of the house (she called at 8:30), so Archer and I opted not to answer it.  Rather than leave a message, she hung up and called right back--three times.  So Archer finally answered it.  She also asked if we could have another birthday party for Bear when she's here in August.  Archer was forced to remind her we aren't having a birthday party for Bear (we are having some friends over for cake on Sunday, but that's it), and he was again subject to a lecture on what terrible parents we are.

I am fully aware that I am extra sensitive to everything right now.  In fact, last night Archer said something about renovating the basement, and I was suddenly in tears for no reason I could explain.  That said, I wish my MIL had it in her to be more aware that right now is not the best time to bombard me with lots of questions.  I am a place where I'm quite likely to be rude or start crying.  I am, after all, 36 1/2 weeks pregnant.

The Good and the Bad

Yetta and Pita are now home; they left on Saturday morning, so Archer, the boys, and I have had some time to settle back into our routine.  Their visit, most of which Archer and I were out of town for, went well, mostly.  I particularly enjoyed my time with Yetta, which is not always something I can say.  She and I, however, had several really long conversations.  She was incredibly supportive after the interview debacle, which was surprising.  She only asked once about the possibility of returning to the States.  For the most part, she was in a good mood, which meant I didn't need to be on edge, so we had a great visit.  I think it also helps that she's been battling a health problem that, while difficult to adapt to, has actually left her in better health. 

She has Meniere's disease, which is an disease of the inner ear.  One of the only ways to treat it without taking medication constantly is to cut sodium out of one's diet.  Doing this means she has had to change her diet drastically, which has led to some fairly dramatic weight loss.  In the past 6 months, Yetta has lost about 60 pounds, and because she can't eat fast food, has to watch what she eats when she goes out, and is determined not to suffer the effects of the disease, she has kept the weight off without a problem.  This means she gets around easier, feels better, and has more energy.  Those things mean she is a happier person. She also appreciated that Archer and I have made some changes to our diet so that it isn't much work for us to accommodate her when she comes for visit.  I've always cooked with very little salt, but I've started buying as many low-sodium or sodium free products as possible.  I also made sure she had lots of low-sodium or no-sodium things she could eat while we were gone.  She was surprised, and she said more than once how much that meant to her.  Hey, she came 1,000 miles to take care of my children; I figured that was the least I could do.

As for Pita, well, she was Pita.  Mostly she was great.  She loves the boys, and she devoted most of her attention to them, which is what I wanted and expected her to do.  She does lots of little things that grate on my nerves that I have to consciously overlook.  She never washes a dish.  NEVER.  She doesn't even take her own dish to the sink after a meal--Wild Man is 5, and he does this 85% of the time without being asked.  She doesn't push her chair under the table.  She is a large woman with a large personality, so she takes up a lot of space, both literally and figuratively.  Figuratively, she's like a big kid herself, so both Archer, Yetta, and I were constantly reminding her of the boys' schedule and to stop having tickle-fests 20 minutes before bed.  Literally, she weighs 400+ pounds.  This became an issue when she was in the kitchen while anyone was cooking.  My kitchen is not large; in fact, Archer and I struggle to cook in it together.  At some point we'll be able to redesign it, but that point is not anytime in the near future.  The size of my kitchen coupled with her size meant that I had to ask her to move several times just so I could get to the stove or the refrigerator.  She got annoyed because I asked her to move, and I got annoyed because she was in the way. 

From a different perspective, her size frustrates me because she is not in good health.  As I've said, my children love her.  I'd like her to be around for them.  I'm not sure how much longer she will be around given her myriad of health issues.  It seems that while Yetta has lost weight, Pita has gained, and there is nothing that I, who normally weighs under 110, can say to her. 

Pita has certain expectations that both Archer and I think are unreasonable, and she doesn't hesitate to make it known when her feelings have been hurt over something that really doesn't have anything to do with her.  One evening the subject of guardianship came up in a round about way (Yetta mentioned she was very nervous knowing Archer and I were on the same flight in case something happened to both of us, and we assured her that everything was taken care of financially for the boys), and Pita, who knows she has not been named as the boys' guardian, got very upset.  She actually left the dinner table and refused to speak to anyone for the remainder of the evening, including Bear and Wild Man.  So, as usual, the visit with Pita did present its own challenges.

Yetta will be back sometime in August, following the birth of #3, and I have no idea when Pita will be here.  Yetta is not fond of traveling by herself, so it is possible she would try to arrange the visit so she and Pita could travel together.  I've asked Archer to encourage her to come on her own.  It's just easier for everyone involved.

The Routine

We're settling back into our routine.  It is taking longer for the boys to settle in that I expected, primarily, I think, because Yetta and Pita are still here.  They leave today, so I'm hoping that will help.  Their visit has gone well, at least as far as Yetta and I are concerned.  We've had several great conversations, and we're learning more and more about each other.  Pita, well, she's Pita. She's had a hard time stepping back now that Archer and I are home.  She is still trying to "parent" Wild Man and Bear.  It irks me whenever someone else tries to parent my children in front of me, and it especially irks me when she does it as our values are very different.  I'm fine with her caring for my children for a week, but she is not someone I would feel comfortable being a daily presence in their lives.  It's doubly hard when everything becomes about her, but I'll save that for another post.

I met with the Dean yesterday, and s/he was helpful to an extent.  I got the distinct impression s/he didn't want to answer a lot of questions, which I found troubling.  The Dean laid out the available options, but did not offer much in the way of advice.  While every questioned I asked was answered, I did feel like the Dean was, well, being a Dean.  This entire situation has put the Dean in an awkward position, and likely, the Dean realizes I have grounds for a grievance (against the Dean, against RC, against the entire appointments committee of RD).  So I'm going to attribute the hesitancy to answer questions to that.  I'm going to try to meet with one more person early in the week to ask a few more questions before I give the Dean my final answer about where I want to be appointed.  And then we'll see what we see.

I may pass out from shock. . .

Archer and I both have a modest amount of grant money to do research in one of our favorite cities, and we've been trying to coordinate with Yetta and Pita in the hope that we both could actually go to said city together.  I was at the point where I was ready to book my trip, as it was seemed increasingly unlikely that Yetta and Pita would come through.  For weeks we got the usual run around.  It goes something like this:
Y: Tell me what dates work best for you and Archer.
M: Here are three different weeks we could make work.
Y: Okay, I've written them down; I'll check with Pita and get back to you.

Y: (in another phone call a few days later) Tell me what dates work best for you and Archer.
M: Really anytime after Date X is fine.
Y: Okay, I've written that down; I'll check with Pita and get back to you.

You get the point, and this went on for about six weeks.  Then, Pita called to say she was almost positive she had the time off, and she told us to book our tickets.  But we didn't.  Neither of us was comfortable booking tickets if we didn't know for certain that they were able to come.  This made her angry.  Then, she got the time off.  I nearly fainted.  But they didn't book their tickets.  Yetta called us almost every night for 10 days to find out if we'd booked our tickets.  Every single time Archer said, "We're not booking your tickets until you book yours.  So let me know when you book your tickets."  Then, Pita hurt herself while at the park with some friends.  At that point, Archer and I were both sure we weren't going anywhere together.  But miracle of miracles: they booked their tickets.  They will be in CU Land for 10 days, which means that Archer and I have two days to show them our very complicated schedule before we can go to said city for a week.  I seriously think I might pass out from shock.  Seriously.

CU Land

While Yetta was here this past weekend, she pointedly asked Archer and me if we were still looking for jobs in the States.  Prior to her arrival, Archer and I had discussed what we would say if she broached this topic, and we decided to be honest.  Archer started by pointing out that he has been on the job market every year since 2007.  That is 5 years.  If he sends out job applications again, that makes 6.  Since taking the job at CU, he has had several phone interviews and conference interviews as well as 1 on-campus interview.  He hasn't, however, gotten any offers.  He then reminded her that this is my third year on the market.  The first year I did not get any interviews, and last year I had several initial interviews and 1 on-campus visit, but again, I had no offers.  I did, however, receive a full-time position at CU with the "promise" that the job would either be renewed as is or that it would convert to a T-T line.  He then gently reminded her that we've tried to get jobs in the States, and for whatever reason, it isn't working out for us. 

She seemed fairly accepting of all of this, as Archer was offering concrete evidence of our attempts to return to the States.  I then pointed out that we actually like CU Land.  This is the beginning of our fourth year here.  We've developed a social network.  We have people we can call on in an emergency.  Wild Man has good friends.  I've made 4 close friends in the past year, and Archer has finally found a group of guys he can have beers with.  As for Bear, well, CU Land is the only place he's ever known.  I said, "While CU Land still doesn't necessarily feel like home for Archer and me, this is home for Wild Man and Bear.  I moved around a lot as a young child, and that takes a toll on a kid.  Unless a really great deal comes along and assuming my position does convert, it looks like we may be here for the long term.  And we're okay with that."  I had planned this statement.  I had thought about the argument.  I intentionally used passive voice and focused on the children as I thought it would be the most convincing way to present the argument.  But, it seems I overestimated my MIL's ability to accept reason. 

Calling CU Land the boys' home was, apparently, not the track to take as it reminded her that they do not consider Home State home, a fact she pointed out to Archer in a phone conversation after she left.  She stated point blank, "I want my grandchildren to think of Home State as their home.  I want you all to live here."  He said, "I understand that, but unfortunately, we don't have a lot of control over that given our profession.  You're going to have to accept that this is our decision to make.  And you've got to stop thinking of Canada as Antarctica.  We're a 3 hour flight away, not on the other side of the world.  It is time you accepted that."  I couldn't have said it better myself.

I survived . . .

the weekend with Pita and Yetta.  It was mostly good.  Yetta misrepresented several statements I made to her and, predictably, reported those misrepresentations to Archer.  For example, I am apparently an advocate of divorce.  Yes, I'm am thrilled to bits that my BIL and SIL are divorcing and I think their children will be better off and so much happier.  Indeed, I will.  And if you know me at all, you know that I would totally be in favor of such a thing. 

When Archer told me this I literally laughed until I cried.  You see, I said that the children, my lovely, lovely nephews, would have a hard time for a while.  I told Yetta, "I know they will struggle with this.  I'm a child of divorce, and I know how hard it will be on them.  But, in the long run, I think they'll be better off having two happy parents in separate homes than two unhappy parents in the same home."  Somehow that became "Your wife* thinks the divorce is a good idea."  Archer, however, knows me so well that he realized I would never have said such a thing, and without even knowing what I said, he corrected his mother.  He told her, "I know M did not say that the divorce was a good idea.  She likely said the boys will be happier with two happy parents."  I love my husband.

And I'm also glad that Yetta and Pita only visit a few times a year.

*Notice I didn't even get named in the statement.

Perspective, part 2

Pita and Yetta arrive today for a 5 day visit.  I will write a post about the reasons why they came this week instead of last week, but right now, the events are still too frustrating for me to think about without getting upset.  Keep your fingers crossed for me, though, that I manage to maintain some perspective while they are here.

A brief rant

One of my very best friends in the world--a person who has been my friend since 5th grade and is the only person from high school that I go out of my way to keep up with--is getting married in October.  This person, whom I'll call Prudence (a reference she'll get, I think), was my maid-of-honor when Archer and I got married, so there is absolutely no way I am missing this wedding.  That said, the wedding is in a hard-to-get-to location, and it will take place in the middle of the fall semester, both of which make it difficult and expensive for our entire family to go.  Originally we had planned that I would go by myself while Archer stayed home with the boys.  After some investigating, I discovered that it wouldn't be terribly expensive for Archer to come with me, provided we could find someone to stay with the boys for about 4 days.  So I mentioned this to him.  He loved the idea--especially since we haven't had a night alone together since Wild Man was born almost 5 years ago.  We discussed our options for childcare, which are somewhat limited.  We decided, against my own reservations, that Pita and Yetta were the best choice, so we asked them if they would come up to CU Land to care for the boys so we could go to the wedding.  They immediately agreed, provided Pita could get the time off of work.  Archer and I began making tentative plans to attend the wedding.  The plans, however, have gotten increasingly complicated.  And to be honest, I don't know why I'm surprised as everything involving Yetta and Pita gets complicated.

In the past 5 days, Yetta has called every single day to ask us when the wedding is (you know, because Prudence and her fiance change the date every 5 minutes), how long we'll be gone, and when we need them here.  Whatever.  I can handle this mainly because I'm not the one on the phone with her.  Apparently she called Archer earlier this morning to ask one more question: "Is there anyway you could come to Home State first and leave the boys here with us?"  Um, how in the hell would that work?  The wedding is in, as I said, an out of the way location, so doing this would necessitate that we buy 4 plane tickets to Home State, drop the boys off, and then, having purchased 2 tickets to the wedding location, fly there.  Then we'd have to do the exact reverse--all in 4 days.  Plus, we'd have to pull Wild Man out of school and haul all of their stuff to Home State.  I mean, seriously, on what planet is this even practical? 

Why would Yetta ask if this was possible?  Well, she is likely more comfortable in her own home than in ours, and it also seems that she is not sure Pita can get the time off.  So she wants to ensure we are able to go to the wedding, and in her mind, bringing the boys to her makes the most sense.  And no, she will not come take care of the boys on her own--we wouldn't even ask her because we don't think she's physically up to it.  Archer just suggested asking my mom, who would happily come and could (more or less) manage it, except she refuses to drive in CU Land.  Thus, the boys would be trapped in the house with her for 4 days, and Wild Man would still miss school.

Really, I just want to go to Prudence's wedding--with my husband.  Is that too much to ask?  Is it wrong to hire Bear's teacher, our go-to babysitter, for 4 days? 

Yetta's Visit and the Aftermath

As I wrote on Saturday, this visit with Yetta has been good. Archer and I talked a lot about it before hand, and we did quite a few things differently. All of that, as well as the simple facts that Yetta seems to be happy now and that she came without Pita, have made for a fairly relaxed and enjoyable visit. That isn't to say, however, that the visit hasn't been without its moments. Yetta has, as is expected, shared her opinion on several things, and she has also vented quite a lot about Pita. In an attempt to process it all in preparation for our visit to Homestate in July, here is a smattering of what has been shared.

• Canada is a country without religion as no one ever talks about church. As Yetta hasn't really spoken to anyone but us during her visit, this statement translates to: I want my grandchildren to go to church, and you need to do something about that. This is something that is fairly easy to ignore. She isn't here on a daily basis, and she doesn't really know what we teach our boys about religion. Nor is that really any of her business. 
• Pita knows I've deleted her off of FB, which must mean that I hate her, that I think she's stupid, that I think she's unworthy of being my children's aunt, that I won't allow her to spend anytime with the boys when we're in Homestate, that I think she's untrustworthy, and any other number of things. I told Yetta that if Pita wants to discuss this with me, she knows how to get in touch with me. Yetta asked point blank why I deleted her. I said that I use FB as a way to keep in touch with people I don't see regularly. I don't want to log on to see pictures of my friends' children and find a message from Pita telling me that I'm a hateful, horrible, ungrateful person who doesn't understand what it is like to be as single woman and that as a proclaimed feminist I should understand what a single woman like Pita has to go through (yes, friends, that is essentially what her last FB message to me said, and that is why I deleted her). I said if Pita wants to communicate with me she has my email address and phone number. I also said that I don't hate her; I do not, however, feel called upon to deal with such messages from anyone. If my own sister sent me messages like that I'd delete her too. As I tried to explain to Yetta, it was a means of protecting myself. I left the conversation at that, but I know she brought the issue up again with Archer. 
• Pita is also convinced we've spent the entire visit talking about her. Has Yetta vented? Sure, and we've let her vent while keeping our comments to a minimum. Here's the thing. Two adult women live together in what can only be described as a co-dependent relationship. Pita is not the easiest person to get along with (and neither is Yetta, but to her credit, she admits this), so Yetta needs to vent. Yetta knows we won't turn around and tell Pita everything she's said, so she vents. And on some level, I think Yetta actually thinks she can "fix" the problems in the relationship by meddling. 
• Pita apparently thinks I'm dismissive and short with her on the phone. This came about when she called at 8:40 on Friday night. We'd let Wild Man stay up past his 8:00 bedtime to watch a movie with Yetta, and as he was getting ready for bed, he complained that his finger hurt. I looked at it and saw he had a splinter. Archer and I were in the middle of trying to keep Wild Man calm while we tried to get the splinter out of his finger when Pita called. I answered the phone and said, "Hi, how are you? I can't really talk now. I'm trying to get a splinter out of Wild Man's finger. Here's your mom." Apparently I was rude and hurt Pita's feelings. I apparently do this on a regular basis. When Yetta told me this, I said, "Well, maybe I do, but Pita routinely calls at dinner time or bed time and wants to talk to Wild Man and Bear. She then gets upset when Archer or I tell her that it isn't a good time to talk. She knows our routine. We've told her that the best time to call is Sunday morning." 
• From this exchange, Archer learned that it is my responsibility to make sure Pita has a good relationship with Wild Man and Bear. I am the one who is supposed to call her when it is convenient and when the boys want to talk on the phone. Yes, that's right, it is my job to ensure Wild Man and Bear have a close relationship with their father's sister. After all, Pita talks to J, her's and Archer's brother's wife almost every single day. J makes sure that her children talk to Pita several times a week. I need to take a lesson from J and be a better sister-in-law. 
• I could go on and on, but rather than helping me process all of this, I'm just getting more irritated. 
• What I've learned in the last week is that Pita is angry at me--or she is directing her anger at me. She is convinced I hate her and that I will not allow her to spend anytime with Wild Man and Bear. She thinks I don't trust her and that I will sabotage her relationship with the boys. I haven't, nor will I, respond to these statements from Pita via Yetta. Really, I think it all a bit absurd. Actually that isn't true. I think it is hateful, antagonistic, and mean-spirited. I think all of this is a precursor to the inevitable fight that will occur during our visit. I think Pita will be nasty and mean, and I think she will start the fight in front of my children. Archer said as much to Yetta, and Yetta said, "Oh, I think it will be okay." I then said, "I need you to know that I will do my absolute best not to engage her and that I will try my hardest to keep my temper. But if Pita starts something in front of my children, I will put them in our car and go to my parents' house for the duration of the visit. I fully realize that isn't fair to you at all, but I will not tolerate my children being exposed to the kinds of outbursts I have had to endure." Archer then added, "Wild Man will not forget such an outburst. If Pita yells at me or M in front of him, he will be very, very upset, and he won't forget it. It will change his perception of Pita, whom he loves dearly." Yetta said, "I hope she won't start anything in front of the boys." I wanted to say, "Having the boys in the room didn't keep you from calling me a horrible, selfish daughter-in-law the last time we visited," but I didn't. 
• So there will be some sort of altercation during our visit. I will be the object of said altercation. After the said altercation, I will be expected to forgive and forget. I will be expected to act like it never happened. I will be repeatedly told, "That is just Pita. She isn't going to change, so you should just forget about everything she said." The visit will be ruined because any outburst she has will be the only topic of conversation with Archer's family for the rest of the visit. Any support Yetta has promised in the past week will not appear because Pita is her daughter and they live together. I will cry. I will get sick to my stomach from the stress. I will want to leave and go home early. I will be expected to put on a happy face and get through it. I will be expected to make up or else I will be called a bitch (or much, much worse) behind my back. Archer will be forced to hear Pita say all sorts of awful things about me as a way to bait him into a fight. He will be told that I'm selfish, that I don't value family, that I privilege my family (i.e., my siblings and parents) over their family, that I'm an overprotective mother (okay, so that one is true), that I don't like to have other people take care of my kids (and that is also true), that I don't think anyone can do it as well as I can (well, no one other than Archer), that I think I'm better than her and everyone in their hometown.  Archer will be so stressed out that he will inadvertently snap at me, and I'll burst into tears because I'll be stressed out from being on edge waiting for Pita to attack. Then we'll have a stupid, pointless fight even though we're not mad at one another at all.
• And they wonder why I don't want to visit more.

A good visit

We are midway through Yetta's visit, and I am so pleased to write that it is going well.  She seemed really pleased with the plans we'd made and how we'd arranged things.  Yesterday we kept Bear and Wild Man home from daycare, although we did send Wild Man to kindergarten in the afternoon.  We're planning to do the same for Monday.  She's gotten outside with both boys a lot, even pushing Bear on his ride-on truck.  She and Wild Man have done several craft projects, and she has read to both boys a lot.  In fact, I think this is the most involved she's been during a visit since we left Southwest College Town.  It certainly helps that Pita isn't here (Pita is like an adult-sized 8 year old, and frankly, it's hard to compete with her for the boys' attention).  It also helps that Bear has come out of his shell.  He no longer clings exclusively to me or Archer.  He is much more comfortable with new people, and he has spent the last two afternoons bringing Yetta various toys and telling her all about them.  Yesterday was her birthday, so Wild Man and I made her baked french toast for breakfast.  I took her shopping at one of her favorite stores and bought her a scarf that she picked out.  For dinner we took her to our favorite pizza place.  She told us repeatedly that she was having a wonderful birthday, and I think she meant it.  She has been very relaxed about food, staying out of the kitchen almost completely.  I have to say it has been a lovely, relaxed visit. 

Pita has, however, been making some drama long distance, but you know, I'm having such a nice time with Yetta that I'm going to focus on that.

Rethinking things

Yetta arrives on Wednesday for a week long visit.  In preparation I'm consciously rethinking things.  I want her to have a good time, and I want her to feel welcome.  To that end, I've done some things I don't normally do. 

First, I've borrowed a queen-size air mattress (you know, the kind that is like an actual bed) from a friend, which I've set up in my office (which is almost entirely packed up in preparation for showing our house).  Thus she can have her own space.  This means she won't take over my living room and that I won't have to continuously tell Bear, "Don't touch that!"  If she feels that the air mattress is uncomfortable or too hard for her to get off of, she will sleep in our bed.  This is a minor inconvenience to me and Archer, but I really think this will stress me out less than having her things all over the living room.  Plus, it means she'll be more comfortable as she won't be on our couch.  As an added bonus, it means that Archer and I will still have the couch to retreat to on the odd night that Bear is really restless (on these nights, one of us inevitably ends up on the couch with Bear).  So everyone will get a normal amount of sleep, and if Bear has a bad night, we won't have to worry about waking her up.

Second, I made Archer call her yesterday and get her to give a list of things she wants from the grocery store.  We have never done this because she is incredibly particular about food.  Typically Archer takes her to the grocery store on the first day of her visit, and she buys what she wants.  This stresses me out immensely because she brings all kinds of junk food into my house, which means I'm constantly explaining to Wild Man why Yetta eats X type of food that he isn't allowed to eat.  Although she protested, she told Archer what she needed, and he bought it.  I'm hoping this will allow me to maintain some control over what she brings into the house while also making her feel welcome, like we've actually prepared for her visit.

Third, Archer and I have already decided which days the boys will be out of daycare.  I think this is important because, again, it shows we've prepared for her visit.  I am hopeful that telling her "We've planned these activities for these days" will show her that we're looking forward to her visit.  The only caveat is that Wild Man will not be missing kindergarten at all.  That means that we have to stop what we're doing and have him at school every day by 1, which will certainly limit what we can do.  This is, however, non-negotiable.

Fourth, I have reminded myself that I have no control over her reaction to anything.  I can prepare myself, and I can hope for the best.  That said, I am going to do my best not to get upset if she is unhappy with anything we've planned.  I am going to ignore passive-aggressive comments.  I will be accommodating and welcoming, but I will not be a doormat.  I will also not be aggressive.  If an argument begins I will simply remove myself and my children from the room.  I will not be disappointed. 

Keep your fingers crossed for me that all of this works.

Thanks Mom and Dad

With a great deal of apprehension, I called my parents late last week and told them about the good news we received from CU.  My parents don't really get the world of academia, and they struggle with us being so far away, my mom especially.  So I didn't tell them right away because I wanted some time with the news before they (potentially) said something that upset me.

I am happy to report that I was pleasantly surprised.  My dad was enthusiastic and congratulatory, but as usual, he passed the phone to my mom very quickly.  She was really, really excited, even tearing up a little bit when she told me how happy she is for us and how proud she is of me.  She asked a lot of questions about teaching load, TAs, grad classes, and office space--stuff I had no idea she really knew about.  I mean, I've told her about all of these things, and she has been here for 2 weeks during the fall for the last 2 years.  I think those visits gave her some understanding of how time consuming the job search has been, how my time to focus on my own projects is limited by all the prep and grading I do, and how much I want my own office.  She did ask if I'll be making more money, and when I said yes, she asked, "Does that mean you'll be able to come for visits more often?"  To which I also said yes.  I know that is important to her, but I really appreciated that she waited until after she asked all the other questions to ask this particular question.  I ended the conversation really happy that I told them rather than wait.

Archer also shared the news with Yetta and Pita.  I will say that they offered me congratulations.  Yetta's only questions, however, focused on whether Archer and I will continue to go on the job market every year to get positions closer to Home State.  Oh well, at least my parents were happy for us.

The Visit

Yetta and Pita left this yesterday morning.  I’m relieved that the visit is over.  It is also no surprise that the visit has left both Archer feeling really angry at Yetta in particular.  Here are the facts as I observed them, and I willingly admit that I am not remotely objective.

·       They left Cabbage Town on Wednesday, drove north, stopping in various locations, before their planned in CU Land arrival on mid-afternoon Friday.

·       They never called Archer at any point on their way to CU Land to let him know where they were or when we could expect them.  In fact, he had to call them Thursday evening so we could know when to expect them.  He only called because we both had to be on campus Friday and couldn’t leave until picking up the boys from JK and daycare.  If they arrived before 3:30 we had to coordinate how to let them into our house. 

·       When Archer spoke with them they said they would arrive around 2:30 on Friday.  They agreed to meet us at CU so they could give their friends a tour of the campus.

·       I had plans (which I made 2 months ago) to go shopping with a friend, and I was supposed to leave at 5:30, after, I assumed, Yetta and Pita’s arrival.

·       We got home at 4:30, having heard nothing from Yetta or Pita.  At that point they were 2 hours late. 

·       At 5, Archer, who had thought they would be at our house in time for dinner, ordered a pizza for he and the boys.

·       I left at 5:30 to meet my friend, and he took the boys to pick up the pizza.

·       At 6:30, he received a phone call from Yetta and Pita saying they were 15 minutes away.  The arrived at 7, 4.5 hours after they said they would be there.  They did not apologize for being late. In fact, they were upset that Archer and the boys had already eaten and that Archer refused to let the boys stay up past their bedtime (Bear is usually asleep by 7:45, and Wild Man goes to bed at 8:00.).  (On a side note, Archer is a stickler for schedule; he doesn’t like to deviate from the schedule for anyone, even me.)

·       In the middle of the night, after settling down a teething Bear, I heard Yetta vomiting in the downstairs bathroom, and I sent Archer to check on her. 

·       She was sick, and she said she was suffering from an attack of vertigo, which she was diagnosed with last year.  She has not had an attack in 6 months. (Apparently the dizziness of the vertigo makes her sick to her stomach.)

·       By Saturday morning, Yetta was clearly sick, and we all tried to help her out.  Pita got Yetta her anti-nausea meds, I kept the boys as quiet as possible, and Archer went out to get her gingerale and crackers to help settle her stomach.

·       By 9:30 it was really clear she wasn’t going to be able to do much for the day, so we adjusted the schedule to account for her absence.  She then had a 10 minute breakdown because she wasn’t able to take Wild Man and Bear shopping or attend Wild Man’s soccer practice.  She had said breakdown in front of my children, unnecessarily stressing out them both.

·       By noon she was miraculously recovered and able to go out to lunch with all of us because, as she told Archer, “There’s nothing here that I think my stomach can handle.” (Note: bagels, toast, bananas, applesauce, cheerios, turkey, and a lot of other plain foods were available in my refrigerator.)

·       After lunch she was feeling well enough to have Archer take her and her friends (who were staying at a nearby hotel) on a tour of the area.  She did, however, have a bucket in her lap the entire time in case she got sick.

·       For the rest of the afternoon, she sat on the couch and complained or slept while Pita and their friends played with Bear and Wild Man.  In fact, at Pita’s insistence Archer and I went out to dinner and Pita and their friends fed the boys and kept them entertained until we got home right at bedtime.  Yetta sat on the couch.

·     Sunday she woke up sick again, and we all urged her to go to the doctor.  She refused—until 3:00.  She then made Pita drive her to the nearest state and take her to the emergency room (Medicaid wouldn’t cover her visit to a hospital in Canada).  She got upset because her friends elected to stay in their hotel rather than go to the ER with her. 

So those are the facts.  Was she sick?  Yes, it was an attack of vertigo, for which I’m really, really sorry.  I wish she had felt better.  I wish she had been able to talk to and play with the boys more.  That said, I do feel like she amped up the drama whenever she could.  I’m sure she was sick.  I am not, however, sure how sick she was.  I feel like she made it out to be a lot worse than it was for the attention.  Unfortunately, she wasn’t very successful as Archer and I both took the, “well, I’m sorry your sick.  It seems like you just need to rest.  We have to go on with our day” approach.  She made it clear through some passive-aggressive comments (like “I guess I’ll just drive myself to the hospital.” and “Oh, you think I’ve ruined the whole weekend.”) that she was not happy with our behavior.  She also made it very clear that she was annoyed by all the attention Wild Man gave Pita and that she thinks I coddle Bear, who refused to go to her at all (he’s 15 months old; he is going through his “I only want Mommy!” phase.  He doesn’t even want Archer some days.).  It was an exhausting weekend because I felt like I was held captive in my house.  We couldn’t leave in case she needed us, and the few times one of us left, she made it really clear that “we deserted her.”  I’m glad it is over.  I’m even more glad I don’t have to see her again for a long time.

Seriously, you call that a visit?

Yetta and Pita (who is recovering very well) arrive for a visit late Monday afternoon.  They are bringing two of their friends with them, as they are doing quite a lot of sight-seeing along the way.  I was under the impression that they would be in CU Land for the entire week, taking day trips while Bear and Wild Man are in school and Archer and I are working and spending the afternoons and evenings with us (or with the boys).  They are, in fact, leaving bright and early Thursday morning.  I don't know if I can effectively express why, but I'm really annoyed.  Here are a few reasons.

• For the last few weeks Pita has been telling Wild Man very excitedly about this visit, and he is, thus, excited.  Right now it seems like she and Yetta will be spending 3 evenings with him, probably around 12 hours.  He is going to be really upset when he begins to understand how short their visit is.
• Yetta isn't even staying with us.  She is staying at a hotel with the travel friends.  While this makes life easier on us in a lot of ways, it further limits the time she has with the boys.
• Yetta has already made several comments about how she never sees the boys and how she is so excited to see them, but that she hates that it will be such a short visit.

Clearly, seeing the boys is not the primary purpose of this visit, which is fine.  They are entitled to take trips that are not associated with visiting us.  But don't get my children all excited about a trip in which you won't be spending much time with them.  Don't complain that you don't know Bear at all and then plan a trip to see him which will not enable you to develop that relationship further.  Oh, and don't plan a trip for the school/work week and then get annoyed that Archer and I will be working and Wild Man will be in school.  I'm trying really hard to focus on all the positive things (yes, including the fact that my teaching schedule means I won't have to spend much time with them), but this isn't going to be an easy trip for Wild Man, who loves Pita and Yetta dearly.  He is going to be upset when he learns that Yetta isn't staying at our house.  It is going to be equally difficult on Bear, who has a hard time adjusting to strangers.  He will not want to go to them, and they will not be here long enough for him to get used to him.  Archer and I will also be regaled with comments like, "Well, why doesn't Bear like me?  I don't understand it.  Wild Man would come right to me at this age." 

I can't believe I'm writing this, but I really wish they were staying longer.  Yes, that would be more stressful on me, but it would be so much better for Wild Man and Bear.

Random Updates

The fall semester started yesterday, so I've been preoccupied by all things teaching.  Here are some updates from my life.

• I have a TA for the first time ever.  I'm not sure how I feel about this.  Obviously I'm excited not to grade papers for this course, but in some ways it also seems like a bit of a hassle to manage someone else's grading.  TA seems competent enough, so I'm hoping it all works out.
• I finally finished the reading list for the course that I have no business teaching.  I added a unit on something that I find really interesting, and now, I'm rather excited about teaching the class.  Let's keep that one a secret, yes?
• Archer and I have a meeting with the VP of Faculty Recruitment and Retention on Thursday.  She is meant to be our advocate at CU, and her primary purpose is to keep faculty here. We're hoping she can give us some tips on securing me a more permanent position.  As a bonus, her daughter is in Wild Man's day care and JK classes, and her son was in Bear's daycare class.  We've gotten to know her a little bit that way, so maybe that will make a difference.  Regardless of our personal connection, she is very nice and seems very concerned about some things we've been told by various administrators.
• The job list in my field comes out on Thursday, so I've been communicating with people re: letters, essays, etc.  None of this is fun, at all.
• My former adviser has taken an administrative position at Southwest College, and now she is impossible to get a hold of.  I've sent her two emails in the last week, and I haven't heard from her.  I may have to resort to messaging her on Facebook.
• Pita, Archer's sister, was in a major car accident yesterday afternoon, and we were the last to find out.  She apparently ran into the back of a car on the interstate, prompting her to lose control of her truck, and was then hit by at least 2 other vehicles.  She flipped her truck several times, and she had to be removed from the car (it was upside down) by firefighters.  We only found out b/c Archer called his mom on her cell phone to ask a quick question.  Yetta was so hysterical that it was impossible to get any info out of her.  Archer's brother called us later in the evening, and I answered the phone.  I said, "So can we get some news from someone who isn't hysterical?"  He said, "Do you want the truth, or do you want what is circulating on the church prayer line?"  I had to crack up.  He then said, "No matter what Mom tells you, Pita wasn't airlifted to the hospital, and all things considering she has fairly minor injuries.  There is no reason for Archer to come home."
• We've since learned that Pita has a broken wrist (which required surgery last night; she was out in under an hour), 2 broken ribs (although it may be just one; R, Archer's brother, says one, while Yetta says 2), and a large cut on her arm (this actually seems to be the most serious as it is so large that the doctor doesn't want to stitch it up; he has put a wet bandage on it to let it heal from the inside out).  The truck is total, and it seems likely that Pita was on her cell phone immediately before the crash.  
• Bottom line: given the severity of the crash, she's lucky to be alive, and that is what we're focusing on in our house.
• Archer is pissed at his mother, however, b/c he has been the last to receive information.  When family friends started posting updates about Pita on Facebook last night--updates that neither he nor R had received--he lost his temper.
• Archer has been invited to give a talk at a big research university in the states by some bigwigs in his field.  He goes mid-week next month, which means, given my teaching schedule, we need someone to help out for a few days.  Our usual babysitter, who is also Bear's day care teacher, goes out on maternity leave next week, so we can't ask her as her baby is due the week before Archer leaves.  My sister can't come because of her work schedule, and it is too much to ask any of our friends, although our dear neighbors would help in a minute.  So I asked my mom if she could come help and visit for a week.  The caveat: I need her to pick Wild Man up at JK one afternoon, which requires that she drive (well, that, or that she hangs out in Archer's office all day long and then walks over to pick up Wild Man.  She would then have to go get Bear at daycare and then walk them both to my office so I could drive us all home after I'm done teaching.).  My mom absolutely refuses to drive in any city except the one she lives in.  She actually may not come because of this.  Seriously.  I'm trying to respect my mom's fears about getting lost, which do seem to be genuine, and to understand how those fears are amped by her bi-polar.  If you can't tell from my tone, I'm having a hard time.  If she doesn't come, I'll have to ask Yetta, who will happily drive, but she won't be able to get the boys dinner, a bath, and to bed when I'm teaching my night class.  My mom will be able to do those things easily, but she won't drive.  There are days when I wonder whose parents are less annoying, mine or Archer's.  And yes, I realize I'm being uncharitable.
• I need to make an appointment with my doctor to discuss long term birth control options.  A third child is increasingly unlikely, but Archer informed me that he isn't ready to have a vasectomy just yet.  I'm tired of being on the pill, so I'm going to talk to my doctor about an IUD.  I've done some research and even considered getting one after Wild Man stopped nursing, but as we knew were likely to have a second child sooner rather than later, I didn't get one.  I'm feeling rather ambivalent about this, mainly because I'm tired of being responsible for birth control, but we'll see what we see.
• That's it for now, although I could probably write for hours. 

Trying to Understand

So a lot happened in the course of Yetta and Pita's visit, and instead of being angry (as I usually am after spending time with them), I want to try to understand them. I'm doing this in the goals of encouraging a positive relationship between them and my children, not necessarily between them and myself. I, for one, am perfectly comfortable to keep them at arm's length. But I do want them to be involved in my children's lives as I see how much they love Bear and Wild Man. So I'm just going list out a few things that struck me. I may blog about certain things in more depth later as I try to come to terms with all of this.

• They left today and will be driving back through upstate NY to tour some wineries. Pita doesn't return to work until Sunday, so in my mind, they could have stayed at least one more day to spend time with the boys.
  
• My refrigerator now contains 2 jars of mustard and 2 jars of relish because they had hot dogs for dinner on Saturday and didn't like the brands of mustard and relish I had on hand.
  
• Yesterday C took them to Toys 'R Us to buy gifts for Bear's upcoming birthday. They left the store with a water table for Bear and a more expensive toy for Wild Man. (Ok, so this really, really bugs me, and I'm going to comment on it here. I truly don't care that she bought Wild Man a gift, and I know Bear will love the water table. What bothers me is that she spent more money on Wild Man when she was ostensibly shopping for Bear's birthday. It bothers me because I see it as symptomatic of the way she and Pita treat Bear in general. As the 4th grandson/nephew, he just isn't seen as important as Wild Man and his cousins. They rarely ask about Bear, they made little effort to connect with him, and they left early when they could have had another day with him, which I would think would be especially important as they were with Wild Man all weekend and we took Bear with us. When they were with him, they both complained that he was frightened by them and refused to go to either of them, which he did, and rather than spend more time with him so he could become accustomed to them, they left early.)
• The visit began with them both questioning C on "M's stress level." In fact, Pita asked "Is M managing any better than she was when you all came to visit us in February?" (I'm commenting here. So, right, she's recalling the fight when I told Yetta she hurt my feelings and Yetta told me I was selfish and didn't know what it was like to have a cruel MIL. Was I stressed out that visit? Damn right I was. In addition to that fight, I was dealing with Bear who had been sick all week and was only sleeping in 3 hour increments as well as Wild Man, who was completely off his schedule. I had 40 papers to grade, was being interrogated about our decision to live in Canada, and was told I didn't try hard enough to get a job in the States so we could move closer to them. So, yes, I was stressed out. Am I managing better? I manage wonderfully most days, I think, especially days I'm not judged by my in-laws.)
• C was told at least twice that we privilege money over family. This was made in response to him pointing out several times (in response to questions about jobs) that we make considerably more money at CU than we would in the states. In fact, I personally make about twice what most full time adjuncts make in the states, and C makes about 20% more what most assistant professors make.
  
• C was told we value our careers over our families.
• We were told that Mexico is too dangerous and we can't possibly take the boys there when C needs to go there to do research.
• C was told that my sister is mentally unstable and a bad influence on our children.
• C was told that I'm too controlling and need to relax in my parenting style.
• I was told that my SIL J is too lax and needs to take more charge in her parenting style.
• It became abundantly clear to me that neither C nor his older brother ever do anything wrong but that they made poor choices with their wives and that Pita and Yetta could parent my children better than I can.

All sarcasm and attempts at understanding aside, I find a lot of this so profoundly hurtful. And you know the thing that aggravates me the most? At the end of the day, after all my anger and thoughtful consideration, I still don't understand why they don't like me. And I really don't understand why I still care.

Um, Seriously?

Ok, this is getting a bit extreme. Since we've been back in CU Land, Yetta has called C several times. The first time I answered the phone even though as soon as I saw her number on the caller id I considered not answering. She asked some fairly random questions, and the conversation lasted about 2 minutes. I knew she wanted to talk to C, but C was sitting in the car with Bear who had fallen asleep in his car seat (once he falls asleep in his car seat, he could sleep for 2 hours, but there is no chance of transferring from his car seat to his crib without him waking up. To keep him asleep one of us will work in the car while the other hangs out with Wild Man or works in the house), so I didn't ask her if she wanted to talk to him. Oh, and I also knew C didn't want to talk to her. Since then she's called his office several times, and each time he's either been out or had students and hasn't been able to answer. I'm sort of curious why she keeps calling his office, which she never does. We know it isn't an emergency because if it were se'd also call his cell phone and the home phone. I think she's calling his office because she thinks she'll be able to talk to him without me around or because she's afraid I won't tell him she's called. I have to admit I'm sort of amused by C's unwillingness to talk to his mom right now. I know it won't last, but for now, I'll take some enjoyment out of it.

A Note to Yetta

Dear Yetta,

I am sorry to inform you that the world does not revolve around you. In fact, it revolves around a large celestial body known as the sun, which is responsible for heating and lighting the entire globe. I realize this is hard to believe, but it is so.

Sincerely,
M.

P.S. I'd also like to tell you that when you give someone a monetary gift you typically don't get to tell that person how to spend said gift. This is why I prefer not to receive monetary gifts.