Archer and I were married for six years before Wild Man was born. Prior to getting married, we were in a long distance relationship for two and a half years. Immediately after getting married, we lived with my parents for two months. By the time we were in our own apartment, we were more than ready to take full advantage of being in our own space together. For six years, I didn't have to worry about putting on a robe when I walked from the bathroom to the bedroom. I would strip out of running clothes in the kitchen and make dinner in my sports bra. I would pull off my shirt and bra and throw them directly into the washing machine. On really hot days while we were living in Southwest College Town, Archer would come home to find me in my underwear lying directly beneath the air conditioning vent. Suffice to say, I have no problems walking around our house naked, and neither does Archer.
After Wild Man was born, my attitude toward nudity didn't really change. I was breast feeding, and I was exhausted. I doubt I have a single friend, male or female, from Southwest College Town who hasn't seen my breasts, and frankly I didn't--and don't--care. While lots of my friends were hesitant to let their children of the opposite sex see them naked, I honestly never thought about it. Wild Man was colicky, and for the first three months of his life he cried for 3 or 4 hours straight every night. One of the very few things that soothed him was the shower, something we discovered by total chance. Archer was showering one evening while Wild Man screamed. I was simply unable to take it anymore, so I took all of his clothes off and handed him to Archer. I expected him to cry louder--even though that seemed impossible at the time--but I didn't really care. I just needed five minutes to myself. Amazingly, however, as Archer held Wild Man under the shower, he relaxed. As long as he could feel the spray hitting his back, he was calm. I was delighted to see my newborn so calm, so I joined them in the shower. Thus began a nightly ritual.
By the time Wild Man was six months old, we were no longer showering with him every day, but at least two or three nights a week one of us would plop him down in the tub and turn on the shower. While I washed, Wild Man would play in the spray, and then I'd wash him. Then Archer would take him out and dry him off while I got dressed. When Archer was on the job market and gone two or three nights a week, every week for almost two months, showering with Wild Man became the only way I could ensure we both got a bath before midnight. Wild Man got accustomed to seeing me naked, and I didn't think much of changing my clothes in front of him or taking a bath with him. When Bear was born, we took him into the shower as well, and while he wasn't colicky, he enjoyed feeling the spray on his back as much as Wild Man did.
In the past few months, Archer and I have been talking about whether it is still appropriate for Wild Man to see me naked. This has been a difficult conversation to have for a few reasons. First, we only have one full bathroom, so often while I'm showering in the morning, Archer and the boys are brushing their teeth too. Second, my children think seeing their parents naked is normal. Wild Man rarely comments on it, except for the few times he has asked why my body is different than his. I didn't want to change things unless we absolutely had to. Plus, I enjoy the freedom of being able to walk from the bathroom to the bedroom without putting a robe on or getting fully dressed. A few weeks ago, however, it became very clear that somethings were going to have to change around our house.
We were getting ready to go to the pool. While Archer put sunscreen on the boys, I was changing into my suit. Wild Man walked into our bedroom just as I had taken off my bra, and he said, "Mommy, you have such beautiful boobies!" I quickly put on my suit, and then I sat down with Wild Man for a chat. I tried as carefully as I could to explain that that isn't a sentiment one expresses to one's mother. We then had a quick talk about bodies and how bodies are private. I left it at that, but from that day on, I've been wearing a robe and keeping the door to the bathroom closed. I've asked Wild Man to knock before entering, simply explaining that "Mommy wants some privacy." I thought we were past the hard part until this past weekend.
Friday evening, while we were at the pool (I'm seriously rethinking our decision to get a family membership to the neighborhood pool), Wild Man said, "Mommy, what do you call a girl's penis?" This seemed like a simple enough question, so I answered. The rest of the conversation proved both hilarious and enlightening.
WM: S (a girl in Wild Man's daycare class) showed me her vagina the other day.
M: She did? While you all were in the bathroom? (The bathroom in their classroom has three sinks and three toilets and no doors; the boys and girls are allowed in there at the same time.)
WM: Yes, it was right before lunch. Can I ask you something?
M: Sure, what?
WM: How come S's vagina is prettier than yours? (At this point, Archer, who was changing Bear out of his swim diaper, had to turn away so Wild Man wouldn't see him laughing uncontrollably.)
M: What do you mean?
WM: Well, yours is all furry, and S's isn't.
Following that statement, we had a brief conversation about the differences between children's bodies and adults' bodies. Archer took over at that point because I was also struggling not to laugh. Archer explained that bodies have "private parts." He explained that Wild Man should keep his "private parts" to himself and that, if he doesn't want to see his friends' "private parts," he should tell them that when they are in the bathroom together. Wild Man was satisfied with this, and he hasn't mentioned it since.
I, however, am over analyzing as I am apt to do. I understand that children this age (he's almost 5) are curious about their bodies, and I also realize this was very likely to happen even if I hadn't been open with being naked in front of Wild Man. But the reality is, I have two sons. And in light of these recent events, I'm wondering if I shouldn't be more modest around Bear, who is 2. I like that my children are comfortable with their bodies, and I do think that is, at least in part, due to the fact that Archer and I have never really talked about nudity. Neither of us has ever drawn much attention to being naked in front of them; it just happens at our house. So they see it as normal. But now that Wild Man is asking questions I am wondering if I should have stopped showering with and changing my clothes in front of him sooner. When is nudity no longer appropriate?
12 comments:
hmmm... this issue is probably a culturally-specific thing so my response is probably going to be useless, but I'll comment anyway.
I know for a fact that in Brazil most parents generally change clothes (wearing underwear) in front of their sons and daughters until they are adults, that is, throughout their lives. At least that's how my family and my husband's families are.
In Brazil people aren't very prudish about nudity, which is not the taboo subject it is here in the U.S. (Now... the funny thing is that that stupid old film Blame it on Rio got it ALL wrong and though women do wear tiny beachwear in Brazil they NEVER go topless or naked in public. It's actually against the law).
As for me... because I really enjoy it, I still walk around the house naked and in underwear and still, occasionally, take a shower with my boys and their dad does too. We talk about our bodies a lot. You also know that they nursed until much older, so they know the source of their milk well. :)
Of course I explain to them about private parts, etc. and my behavior has not interfered in the least with their own feelings of modesty (they don't like to change in front of anyone and go hide in the bathroom or their bedroom if anyone different is at our house).
I know lots of other Brazilian friends who don't do that, of course, I just enjoy it and I don't make a big deal out of nudity.
So... you obviously need to do whatever feels comfortable for you and your family. I personally don't think there are any "rules" to follow on this subject. Each family should do their own thing.
The idea that this is culturally specific is really interesting. I must admit that I don't really feel compelled to cover up around my children. I mean, I don't really see what the big deal is. But I know lots of other parents would see it as a big deal. I also think all kids ask questions like these, and I also think Wild Man would be a lot more curious if he had never seen a woman's body before. So I guess that's my real question: why is nudity such a big deal?
My husband has very specific ideas about this, so our girls have never seen him naked. Gigantor has seen me, although now that he's 2, PH would like me to be more private. I try but it's hard. He's still little.
I will say, though, that wild man's comments sound very like things my girls have said to me when they see me change. You have beautiful boobies is something Danger Mouse has said to me (followed by, I hope I get some someday or some such). Both of them thing it's hilarious that I have hair in places they don't. I think this is all normal. The dynamics are different across genders, of course, but this is my experience.
For some reason the boobies comments remind me of a time when I was just starting to get some. I had stayed at grandmas with my much younger female cousins and we were all changing to get ready for the day. One them pointed at my chest and said "what are those?" I was 13 and too embarressed about anything to answer. Thank goodness for grandma! She was matter-of-fact in her explaination. I know it doesn't help your situation, M, but the memory made me smile.
I think you and Archer have to be on the same page regarding this issue, but I really don't see why you should begin to worry and covering up because you feel societal pressure to do so. I have a friend (Brazilian, but who's lived here for nearly 20 years and very "American" by most standards) who is very very careful never letting her sons (2 and 6) see her and I don't think it's very healthy.
Positive attitudes towards the human body, male or female are important. I don't really think that your son's comments about your breasts inappropriate, doesn't he tell you you're beautiful in other situations too?
Interesting discussion!
P.S. And there's something else at play here. What Anastasia (oops! almost used real name) said is true -- men generally cover up and I never saw my dad naked, but my brother has seen my mom. And that is because a mother's body is "open" to her children in ways that a father is not. Children inhabited that body, came out from inside of it and, in most cases, received nourishment both inside and outside... so I think there is a bodily connection between mothers and children, even after the latter grow up. What do you think? I just thought that up right now...
correction: "in ways that a father's is not"
Baby A (very matter of factly): "mommy you have a hairy jina. SERIOUS PAUSE "I don't have a hairy jina."
Both kids see both of us nude. Mr. PD showers with Baby A & has taken baths with Baby B. We want our kids to be confident in their bodies. I'm not worried about the appropriateness of them seeing us naked; instead, I'm worried about how to build confidence in their bodies while also making it very clear that their parts are also private. Does that make sense?
Oh, Mr. PD is careful, however, about the kids seeing him use the toilet. Baby A once "grabbed the stream" unexpectedly and he doesn't want Baby B to repeat this.
Thanks everyone. You've helped me realize two things. First, Archer and I aren't on the same page, and second, I'm responding to his concerns and society's about nudity rather than my own. So we've reached a compromise of sorts. I say of sorts as Archer can't really explain why he thinks it is no longer appropriate for Wild Man to see me naked and I can't quite get him to understand why it isn't a big deal. To that end, we're asking Wild Man to know before coming into rooms (something I think he needs to learn anyway), and I'm no longer showering with him (in all honesty, this doesn't bother me at all as it is about the only time I get to myself all day long). I will not, however, go out of my way to change my clothes in the bathroom or ask Wild Man to leave if he is in our bedroom while I'm getting dressed. We'll deal with questions as they come.
On a different note, I have no idea how parents manage to make sure their children never see them naked. I mean, seriously, Wild Man and Bear both follow us into the bathroom, whether we're trying to shower or going to the bathroom. It would take some serious effort on my part to make sure they no longer see me naked. I don't have that kind of energy. :)
Um, right, we're asking Wild Man to knock before entering rooms.
I think you've reached a good compromise and it's good to be aware that you guys see things differently regarding this subject. K never said anything to me about this. I think the only time he expressed himself related to body issues was when he suggested I wean Linton when he was 3. I would have gone a bit longer... but at the time I acquiesced. As for your question, I suppose some parents make it a habit to close doors and stuff and their kids just aren't allowed to follow them everywhere... that's just my guess.
I suspect mom and dad shut the doors...at least that's what i gather from stories of us as kids. Though I also suspect that was to have some time, even if it's just bathroom time, to themselves. :P Apparently we were pretty insistent little kids.
PH can't really explain why he doesn't think Gigantor should see me (although he's got no issue with the girls seeing me). So I relate.
I do love Lilian's comment about a mother's body, though. I feel like I have a kind of physical intimacy with the children that PH doesn't have b/c they inhabited my body and then I nursed them, which meant a lot of topless hours in close skin-to-skin contact. It feels strange to me to cut that off.
And dude, they totally follow me into the bathroom! How else could I go without worrying that they're tearing the house down!!
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