Just so you know

I do not like people who think they are martyrs.  Not at all.  Now a real martyr who actually chooses to die for a significant cause.  That is someone I can get behind.

Sometimes. . .

it would be really, really nice if everyone would recognize that occasionally Archer and I need help too.  Sometimes it would be great if our families, in particular, would not put us at the end of the list because, you know, we have it so together.  Sometimes it sucks being the responsible ones in our families.

The Gifted Child

I'm putting this up here because I've been mentally writing a post on the gifted child and on what I see as many parents' preoccupation with having a gifted child.  Now I have to write it.

Meeting with the dean

So I have a meeting with the dean later today to ask him some questions about the status of my current position.  I hate these kinds of meetings.  The dean is a perfectly nice guy; in fact, we shop at the same grocery store, so I've run into him a few times over the summer.  He always goes out of his way to say hello, and he even remembers the boys' names.  But still, this is not my favorite thing.  I also anticipate that all of his answers will be prefaced by, "Well, I can't tell you what to do. . . " or "Well, nothing is set in stone yet . . ."  This should be fun.

Happy Sunday

We had breakfast tacos this morning, and I have a pot roast in the slow cooker.  The sun is out, and although it is cool, it is warm enough to have several windows open.  The neighborhood is quiet.  Wild Man and Archer are playing downstairs, while Bear takes a nap.  I'm about to get some reading done.  Later this afternoon we're going for a bike ride.  It is a happy Sunday in our house.

Not my best

That is how I feel today, not my best.  So I'm blogging during my scheduled writing time in an attempt to get out of my funk.  Why am I in a funk?  It's been a difficult few days for lots of reasons.

Bear's sleeping habits have improved (as in he is no longer waking up every 2 hours), but he still wakes up incredibly early.  This morning, for example, he woke up at 4:30.  He doesn't want to be awake this early, but he won't go back to sleep without help.  And that help, it seems, must come from me.  This is a fairly recent thing, since the move.  Until then, Archer and I had worked out a really great schedule for dealing with Bear.  We simply alternated mornings and nights.  If it was my night to get up with Bear, Archer got up with him in the morning and vice versa.  This meant that we both got enough sleep.  Mind you, we were both tired, but neither of us was exhausted.  At some point following the move, however, Bear has refused to let Archer soothe him in the night.  This means that Archer tries, and Bear screams bloody murder at the top of his lungs.  I can't sleep through this, and to avoid both of us being completely exhausted, I've gotten in the habit of just getting up with Bear.  As I said, most nights this is fine, and most mornings it is as well since he's gotten into the habit of sleeping until 6:00.  This morning, though, it wasn't.  Wednesday night I'd been up twice with Wild Man, who first wanted a drink and then needed to go pee.  Each time I was woken up it took me about 30 minutes to go back to sleep.  Then I was up early with Bear as it was my morning to do so.  Thus, this morning I was hoping to get some extra sleep.  It didn't happen.

After struggling to get Bear to go back to sleep for about 15 minutes, I finally brought him into our bed, as I didn't want him to wake up Wild Man (they are now sharing a bedroom).  After another 15 minutes, most of which Archer slept through (although he says he was awake, I argue that his snoring indicated otherwise), I got up to take Bear downstairs to see if he'd relax on the couch.  Archer woke up and asked me if I wanted him to take over.  Now, I hate this question.  Hate it.  And Archer and I have talked about this.  If he can see I'm struggling and at my wit's end, I'd rather he just take over.  I don't want him to ask me that question because in such a moment I'm not going to respond nicely.  As much as I mean to say, "Yes, please, thank you.  I really need a break," in such a moment, when I'm tired and frustrated and unhappy with my own behavior, I'm going to say something like, "Of course I want you to take over.  Do you really have to ask that question?"  That's what I said at 5:30 this morning.  And it didn't go over well.  Understandably, Archer doesn't like to be snapped at when he's offering to help.  I get that.  He said something like, "You don't have to be such a martyr, M.  Just ask for help."  That, of course, made it worse.  So I grabbed Bear and went downstairs, telling Archer I'd take care of it.  So I was now annoyed and frustrated and tired. 

I finally got Bear back to sleep at 5:30, and he slept until 6:30.  Between his wiggles and the cat deciding 5:45 was the perfect time for a snuggle, I didn't get much sleep.  When Bear woke up at 6:30, I woke up Archer and asked him if I could have a break.  He happily took over, and I lied down.  He forgot, however, to close our bedroom door all the way, which meant that I heard him turn on the coffee grinder 5 minutes later, just as I was dropping off to sleep.  So I got up and closed the door all the way, and that annoyed me more.  To be fair to Archer, our house is old.  Unless you close the door all the way, it will fall open again.  Neither of us is used to this yet, as we've only been in the house for 3 weeks.  I know he didn't do that on purpose, but again, in that moment, it really irritated me.

When I woke up at 7:10 I went downstairs, still tired and annoyed and frustrated.  I expected that Archer would have finished packing Wild Man's lunch, which I'd started packing the night before.  But no.  He'd hung out with Bear.  So I started doing the 45 things that are part of our morning routine.  He came into the kitchen to say good morning, and I rolled my eyes at him.  He knew why I was upset, so he said, "I was coming to do all of those things now that you're awake.  I know you can hear all the activity from the kitchen in our room.  Since you'd been up since 4:30 I wanted to give you a bit more time to sleep.  Let me do that."  To which I said, "Well you could have had all this stuff done if you'd just take the time to close the bedroom door all the way."  Archer walked away, understandably so, and left me to finish everything. 

We managed the rest of the morning routine without speaking to each other, which sucks.  It sucks even more because Bear is knee-deep in the terrible twos, and we normally get through his crankiness by laughing together.  This morning we were barely looking at each other.  On the way to school, I apologized.  I said, "I'm really sorry I snapped and that I was being so unreasonable.  I know you were trying to help me.  I now you probably feel like I treat you as though you never do anything right, and I'm sorry for that.  I'm really sorry I make you feel that way."  He nodded, but he didn't really respond.  I know he needs more time to process everything, and I know everything will be fine by this afternoon.  I'm just so tired of feeling tired and frustrated, and I feel like crap for taking those feelings out on Archer.

Dear Students . . .

I understand that my office is directly across the hall from a number of classrooms.  I understand that you will chat to one another in between classes, and I accept that I will have to make my way around you as I go to and from my office.  I do now, however, accept the dirty looks you all insist upon giving me when I want to enter my office and you're leaning on my office door.  Lean on the wall.  That way I won't have to interrupt your very intense conversation about the latest issue of Cosmo.  That is all.

I'm hanging on

I have lots and lots I want to write about now that my first week as an official "Assistant Professor" is almost over.  For now I will just say, I'm hanging on, barely.

Random Stuff

Classes started this week (for me and Wild Man, as Archer is blessed with a term off from teaching), so life has been a bit more hectic than usual.  Here are some random updates.

• Wild Man loves kindergarten, but it is wearing him out.  As I wrote earlier, it is all day this year, and while the daily schedule allows for lots of playtime, he has been wiped out every day this week.  In fact, he's been asleep by 7:30 each night.
• He is very, very happy that his "best" buddy is in his class.  I'm a bit less pleased as Wild Man and his best buddy tend to pay more attention to each other than to the teacher.
• Bear is going through a "MOMMY!" phase.  It's exhausting as I am the only one who can do anything for him.  
• The librarians at CU are on strike.  In their support, I attended my first Union rally today.  
• The house is mostly unpacked.  We're currently discussing decorating/painting/remodeling options.  Do we wait, or do we start right away?
• I still haven't bought a ticket to go to my friend's wedding.  Archer had yet another conversation with Yetta again last night, and yes, he told her one more time what days I'd like to travel.  It seems that Pita has the time off, but as they want to do some sight seeing on the way up to CU Land they won't be able to get here until the evening before I want to leave.  Um, seriously?  Is it totally unreasonable of me to think they'd want to get here at least a day before so that they can get a sense of the schedule, so we can introduce them to Wild Man's and Bear's teachers, and, you know, stuff like that?  I'm done.  I told Archer I'm going by myself, as much as I don't want to go to yet another good friend's wedding alone.  
• We have some major gardening to do this weekend to prep our flower and vegetable garden for the first frost.
• I have a department party to go to this afternoon.  I really, really hate these sorts of social gatherings.  I always feel awkward and out of place, especially as lots of my colleagues have yet to introduce themselves to me, but that is the subject of another post altogether.

Senior Kindergarten

Wild Man started Senior Kindergarten today, and today wasn't nearly as traumatic on me as his first day of Junior Kindergarten last year.  He was very, very excited to be back in school.  He had his backpack and his Star Wars lunchbox (yes, I caved and let him get a themed lunch box).  He proudly showed off his lunchbox to anyone who was interested--and to many people who weren't!  This year's schedule is a bit different than last year's.  He will go to SK all day, every other day, which means Archer and I had to send two snacks and lunch with him.  I know I packed either too much food or not enough.  I carefully explained to Wild Man what he is to eat for which snack and for lunch.  He said, "Mommy, it's okay.  I'll figure it out."  As you can see, I was much more nervous for his first day than he was.