I just returned to my office after having my daily lunch date with S. Every day I head over to his school to nurse him and to hang out with him for a while. Our ritual is simple; I arrive, and he is generally waiting for me anxiously. We get into our spot, and he nurses on one side. He generally gets distracted by all the activity in the room after 10 minutes or so, and we go play for a while. After a while, we head back to our spot, and he nurses on the other side, usually for about 5 minutes. We play for a few more minutes, while his teacher sets up his lunch. I place him in his high chair and watch him eat a few bites before I leave. It is a routine I have come to depend on. I really enjoy seeing him in the middle of the day, especially now that he is at school for 7 hours a day. Seeing him and spending this time with him assuages some of my guilt. It is difficult to manage sometimes because I often get into a working groove and have to interrupt it to go see him, but I am not ready to give that up.
I was completely unprepared for his reaction today. He was fussy all day yesterday, so I wasn't surprised to hear that he'd been fussy this morning. As I picked him up to walk to the rocking chair we generally sit in, he started to cry. The crying quickly escalated into a full scale temper tantrum. It was clear that he didn't want to nurse at all. I gave him a few puffs to get him to calm down, and then his teacher warmed up his lunch. I sat with him as he ate his lunch, and he was much, much happier eating leftover roast beef and diced tomatoes than trying to nurse. He even offered me some of his pineapple. I stayed as long as I usually do, and when I was leaving, his teacher asked if he nursed at all. When I said no, she said he may be starting to wean himself, at least off of the lunch-time nursing session. I suddenly realized as tired as I am of sore nipples (8 teeth make a difference), nursing bras, nursing pads, and pumping, I am not ready for him to day-wean himself. I left his school, returned to my office, and wanted to cry. I've been trying to think of all the reasons why he didn't want to nurse that I can--he was too hungry and wanted solid food, his teeth hurt and he wanted something hard to chew on, etc.--but none of them make me feel any better. My little boy is growing up fast, and some days that makes me very excited, especially when I witness his new accomplishments and watch him figuring out the world. Today, it makes me sad. I just want him to want to snuggle with me a while longer.
6 comments:
It could just be a bad day. In my experience, eliminating a nursing session is a much more subtle thing! Sounds like you've got a GREAT arrangement!
One skipped nursing session does not equal weaning! Supadiscobaby often didn't feel like nursing on some days. I would think, Wow, maybe he's going to wean himself. Then the following day, he would nurse like he hadn't had nourishment in days! Keep offering, and I bet he'll take it :)
Slightly off topic, but . . .
Sigh.
Dealing with the thought of our babies outgrowing being babies is even harder than getting real momentum on the dissertation.
Unfortunately, I'm not sure anything actually will make you feel better :( That is, you're right: they grow up too fast! There's no way to not be somewhat sad about that, but it's part of the larger process of being a parent, as I'm sure you've figured out. That feeling comes and goes, even after they're no longer babies.
The only escape I've found - for now - is to just think of it as God's way of telling me I should have another child....Don't ask me what I'll do after I have the last one! :)
I'm sure tomorrow will be better!
As L-C said, weaning is usually not so dramatic. It's more of a lack of interest than an out and out temper tantrum. Both of my girls have thrown big temper tantrums and sometimes refused to nurse for a whole day or more, but then they returned to nursing later. And growing up doesn't preclude snuggles. But I do understand how you feel.
I feel sad reading this too, but I hope, like the others said, that it was just a bad day. I cannot imagine how hard it must be to be away from him for 7 hours a day since I never had to do it. I know, lucky me. Anyway, I have to go read the more recent post about this now...
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