I'm still thinking about this idea, so this won't be the longer post I eventually hope to write. I do want to clarify a few things though.
First, I didn't mean to suggest that feminists are supposed to feel unfulfilled by motherhood (sorry, Jennie, if I did misread you). Rather what I meant was that there is a stereotype of women, who may or may not be feminists, who have given up their high-powered, high-paying careers to have children. These women are either obsessed with their children or unfulfilled by motherhood. I'm thinking of another SATC episode: "The Baby Shower" which is from the first season. In this episode the ladies attend a shower of a former friend who has left behind her high-paying job as a talent agent for a record company to marry and have a family. Aside for the main characters, all the women at the baby shower have children, and several of them have also left behind similar careers to have families. One woman in particular talks about how she used to manage something like 50 people in a Fortune-500 company (it's been a while since I've seen this episode, so forgive me if I'm getting the details wrong. The gist is correct.). She says "Now I just yell at the gardener," implying that she no longer has an outlet for her passion for work. She is represented as unfulfilled. At the other end of the spectrum there are the women who are completely obsessed by their children. There is one woman who says "I think my son is a god, and I tell him so every day." I think we, and by we I mean women and society at large, buy into these stereotypes a lot. Women are supposed to be either somewhat unfulfilled by motherhood or obsessed with their children. There is no in-between when clearly there is as most mothers I know are incredibly happy to be moms but also struggle to find time to do the things they like and want to do that have little to do with mothering.
Second, Amy Reads writes:
I think feminism gave us the right to choose to have a career outside of "The Home," or to "stay at home" with our children, or both, or neither. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't choose to be a stay-at-home mom, but that doesn't mean I have any less respect for the women who do choose to stay at home, Ph.D. or no. Feminism is All About Choice, and who am I to judge another woman's choices? She certainly should not be able to judge mine.
I agree with everything Ms. Reads has expressed, but unfortunately, we, as women and mothers, are judged for our choices. It is all well and good to say that feminism has provided us with choices and that we shouldn't judge one another for our choices. In an ideal world, that would be the way it is, but we do judge each other for our choices. The "Mommy Wars" wouldn't be a term we're all familiar with if we didn't judge one another. I'm really interested in the guilt (and I'm not sure this is the word I want to use, but it is the best one I can come up with right now) women (and, obviously, I don't mean all women) feel for choosing motherhood rather than a career, or a career rather than motherhood, or "trying to have it all." Why do we wonder whether we are sell-out feminists? Why do stay-at-home moms attack working moms and vice versa? Why can't Charlotte (or Jennie, or Supadiscomama, or Megs, or Ms. Reads, or I for that matter) just make a choice for herself, which is really what I want to believe feminism is about, without having to justify it?
3 comments:
I judge myself, that's where this conflict begins for me. Although judge probably isn't the word I'd use...question or doubt is more accurate. And I don't question and doubt my choices all the time, just when I think about things like 'what would I do if my husband died?' (this is an especially big one for me, because my father died when I was in elementary school. That's probably when it became very important to me to always be a strong, independent woman). It's not that I feel I have to justify my choices to others, it's that I feel compelled to justify my choices (of the heart) to my head. In the past, I've always been a head person. As a parent, I've become more of a heart person and I find this unsettling. I'm caught off guard. So it's hard for me not to wonder if I'm now seeing myself clearly for the first time or if I'm just in an unsustainable 'honeymoon' phase of motherhood.
i think women on both sides of the mommy wars judge one another's choices as being wrong, either detrimental to themselves or their children or both.
personally, I see precious few women trying to embrace something in the mid-way between full-time day-care and full-time stay at home. that makes me feel particularly awkward in the discussion, actually, because my kid has only ever been in childcare a few mornings a week and not even that until she was preschool aged. I sort of get classified with working moms by SAHM's and as stay at home/not doing anything by working moms.
that being said, my experience with SAHM's has been far, far worse as far as feeling judged for my choices. but in lots of cases, those specific women (I'm not saying all SAHMs now) have eschewed feminism. there isn't even any mechanism to talk about choice.
oh, i was going to say as well that if she were in preschool strictly for her benefit, that would be something but she's in it for my benefit (not that she doesn't benefit from it). so from one perspective I'm doing something that affects her based on what I need. that is frowned upon. just like the woman with a child in full-time daycare who could afford not to work but chooses not to. I actually think women in that situation are sometimes timid about their choice or will make the case that no one can afford to live on a a single-income just to get out of being attacked. they shouldn't have to do that.
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