I did it!

I hired a cleaner, and she came Tuesday afternoon.  I have to say it was more than a bit odd to be in my house while someone else cleaned it.  Archer had to be on campus, so I didn't have the car.  I wasn't up for dragging George and his stroller on the bus, so we were home.  That said, she was a lovely woman, and she cleaned my entire house.  I still feel a bit guilty, but I am loving having a clean house--like she scrubbed the door to my shower.  I honestly haven't done that in over 6 months.  The water beaded up on the door when I took a shower this morning.  It was lovely.  Once Bear and George are in daycare at the same time, I'm not sure we'll still be able to afford it, but for now, I am going to enjoy it.

A Cleaner

I'm seriously considering hiring a cleaner to clean my house twice a month.  Although I'm on leave, I do not have time* (and frankly I also do not have the desire or inclination) to dust or to mop or to give the shower/bathtub a thorough scrubbing.  Archer is in the midst of several home improvement projects (in fact, he is in the midst of redoing our downstairs bathroom as I type; he's currently laying tile, and soon he will install a new sink/vanity and a new toilet) which are creating more dust and dirt than is normal for our house.  Additionally, he is currently under a fair amount of pressure because his tenure review process begins next fall, so he isn't helping out with cleaning and picking up as much as he normally does. I've recently redone our budget, and I can afford to hire someone if said person is willing to clean my relatively small house for a reasonable sum.  But I haven't called either the company or the individual that have been recommended to me.  Why?  I feel guilty even thinking about hiring a cleaner, like it is a frivolous expense or that I'm less of a wife/mother if I hire someone to do things that I should be doing.  I also feel like I will be judged by my family.  While I wrestle with this guilt, my house isn't getting any cleaner.

*To clarify, obviously I do have the time--I could easily clean while George naps and while Bear and Wild Man play; however, I need to either nap or try to work a bit, and on the weekends, I'd rather hang with my children than scrub my kitchen floor. Frankly, I multi-task enough as it is.

Guilt

All total yesterday I spent about 3 hours with my kids. That sucks. It really, really sucks. So I woke up this morning (after a restless night with Bear) feeling guilty. Then on the way to drop Wild Man and Bear off at daycare, Wild Man asked for milk. I always bring milk for him to drink in the car on the way to school. Always. He doesn't always want it, but I always have it. This morning I forgot. And he told me I forgot on purpose. He made such a big deal about it that he even told his teachers that I forgot on purpose. By the time I dropped both boys off and got back to the car, I was in tears. And now I must prep a lecture on Benjamin Franklin.

I choose my choice part 2

I'm still thinking about this idea, so this won't be the longer post I eventually hope to write. I do want to clarify a few things though.

First, I didn't mean to suggest that feminists are supposed to feel unfulfilled by motherhood (sorry, Jennie, if I did misread you). Rather what I meant was that there is a stereotype of women, who may or may not be feminists, who have given up their high-powered, high-paying careers to have children. These women are either obsessed with their children or unfulfilled by motherhood. I'm thinking of another SATC episode: "The Baby Shower" which is from the first season. In this episode the ladies attend a shower of a former friend who has left behind her high-paying job as a talent agent for a record company to marry and have a family. Aside for the main characters, all the women at the baby shower have children, and several of them have also left behind similar careers to have families. One woman in particular talks about how she used to manage something like 50 people in a Fortune-500 company (it's been a while since I've seen this episode, so forgive me if I'm getting the details wrong. The gist is correct.). She says "Now I just yell at the gardener," implying that she no longer has an outlet for her passion for work. She is represented as unfulfilled. At the other end of the spectrum there are the women who are completely obsessed by their children. There is one woman who says "I think my son is a god, and I tell him so every day." I think we, and by we I mean women and society at large, buy into these stereotypes a lot. Women are supposed to be either somewhat unfulfilled by motherhood or obsessed with their children. There is no in-between when clearly there is as most mothers I know are incredibly happy to be moms but also struggle to find time to do the things they like and want to do that have little to do with mothering.

Second, Amy Reads writes:

I think feminism gave us the right to choose to have a career outside of "The Home," or to "stay at home" with our children, or both, or neither. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't choose to be a stay-at-home mom, but that doesn't mean I have any less respect for the women who do choose to stay at home, Ph.D. or no. Feminism is All About Choice, and who am I to judge another woman's choices? She certainly should not be able to judge mine.

I agree with everything Ms. Reads has expressed, but unfortunately, we, as women and mothers, are judged for our choices. It is all well and good to say that feminism has provided us with choices and that we shouldn't judge one another for our choices. In an ideal world, that would be the way it is, but we do judge each other for our choices. The "Mommy Wars" wouldn't be a term we're all familiar with if we didn't judge one another. I'm really interested in the guilt (and I'm not sure this is the word I want to use, but it is the best one I can come up with right now) women (and, obviously, I don't mean all women) feel for choosing motherhood rather than a career, or a career rather than motherhood, or "trying to have it all." Why do we wonder whether we are sell-out feminists? Why do stay-at-home moms attack working moms and vice versa? Why can't Charlotte (or Jennie, or Supadiscomama, or Megs, or Ms. Reads, or I for that matter) just make a choice for herself, which is really what I want to believe feminism is about, without having to justify it?

I choose my choice

I'm putting this title up so that I actually blog about this line, which is from an episode of "Sex and the City." I've been thinking about this line ever since Jennie and I had our conversation about motherhood and feminism. I think many women, particularly academic women, struggle with being feminists and being mothers. There is the perception, as Jennie points out, that as ambitious, learned women, we're supposed to feel somewhat unfulfilled by motherhood, particularly if we end up staying home with our children for any length of time. I have to admit that I hadn't given that a lot of thought until Jennie brought it up. Why does that perception exist? Why do we end up feeling guilty, on the basis of our feminist beliefs, if we aren't unfulfilled? Why isn't it ok to have a degree (or even three) and decide to stay home with the kids? Why do we pretend to not be interested in our children when we're in certain circles? I have an anecdote about this. I have a professor who is a staunch feminist and who has a young son. I don't see this professor as often as I would like, and when I do, I invariably ask her how she's doing. To be quite honest, I don't expect her to tell me about her son; we don't really have that sort of relationship, and given that she is who she is, I'm more interested in her work. But she does tell me about her son, and she often shows me a picture. I then comment on how cute he is (not out of sense of obligation either. This kid is genuinely beautiful.). She then makes some sort of self-deprecating comment about her mothering skills. This is a woman who is extremely accomplished and fairly confident. It always bothers me that she makes such self-deprecating comments about her mothering skills.

My gut reaction is this issue is that women are too hard on themselves--we have been taught to expect too much out of ourselves (yes, this is the generic sort of statement that my peeps over at The Rhetorical Situation would hate, but I do think it is a largely true statement). I do believe that we're all insecure about our abilities to mother and to be successful in life in general (as evidenced by my professor's comments), but I'm not quite sure why we continue to feel guilt and confusion over being mothers, wives, and feminists. I am going to think about this some more and revisit this quotation. In the meantimes, does anyone have any thoughts?

Writing and guilt

I am longing to write, and I want to write more than just a blog entry, more than just a lengthy email to a friend, more than just an announcement to my students, more than just a travel request to my department. I want to begin drafting a chapter of my dissertation. I know what I want to write and how I want to write it, but I need several uninterrupted hours to sit down and do it. I spent an hour and a half formulating an entire section in my head last night at 3 am while S nursed. Once he fell back asleep (after 25 minutes or so) I even contemplated getting up and working, something I never, never thought about before he was born. But, as usual, my mind wandered to something else, and although it took me over an hour to fall back to sleep, I didn't think about writing again. I've resigned myself to the reality that I won't likely get any real writing done until he starts daycare in a few weeks, and I'm feeling a tremendous sense of guilt over that. I am so conflicted about daycare. I have learned in the past three months that I am not stay at home mom material. In the past three months that I've been a SAHM, I have developed the highest esteem for SAHMs; I want to want to be one, but I can't even manage to take care of S all day long and throw dinner in the crock pot most days. I don't have it in me to be a SAHM because I don't think I'd be a good one. I'm a perfectionist, and in the past three months I haven't found time to dust my house while taking care of my infant let alone do all the other stuff my mom did as a SAHM. There hasn't been any homemade bread for C or fancy dinners. And I feel like I should be doing all things domestic now that I'm home most of the time, but I end up sitting at my desk, nursing S, staring longingly at a huge pile of books while the dust continues to accumulate on my bookshelves. If I were working more, I feel like I'd have an excuse for not doing all those things, not that C expects or wants them. I have this image of a SAHM in my head, and I haven't lived up to it.

So I look forward to writing when he starts daycare, and then I feel guilty for that. I don't want S to go to daycare, not even part-time. I never expected to feel so conflicted about daycare; it was always understood that our children would go to daycare for some period. I've found one I like, and I've talk to the teachers at length. I know he'll be happy there, and he'll even benefit from the interaction with other kids. But I feel like a horrible mother for sending him. I feel like I should be able to be take care of S, write a brilliant dissertation, and make homemade bread for C (who has never once expressed an interest in or a desire for homemade bread). As with every part of my life, I know my expectations of myself are too high. I want to be able to do it all and to do it all really well. So right now the closest I can come to writing is this blog. When S starts daycare, I know I'll spend the first few days crying, and then maybe I can get past my guilt and start writing again.