I'm putting this title up so that I actually blog about this line, which is from an episode of "Sex and the City." I've been thinking about this line ever since Jennie and I had our conversation about motherhood and feminism. I think many women, particularly academic women, struggle with being feminists and being mothers. There is the perception, as Jennie points out, that as ambitious, learned women, we're supposed to feel somewhat unfulfilled by motherhood, particularly if we end up staying home with our children for any length of time. I have to admit that I hadn't given that a lot of thought until Jennie brought it up. Why does that perception exist? Why do we end up feeling guilty, on the basis of our feminist beliefs, if we aren't unfulfilled? Why isn't it ok to have a degree (or even three) and decide to stay home with the kids? Why do we pretend to not be interested in our children when we're in certain circles? I have an anecdote about this. I have a professor who is a staunch feminist and who has a young son. I don't see this professor as often as I would like, and when I do, I invariably ask her how she's doing. To be quite honest, I don't expect her to tell me about her son; we don't really have that sort of relationship, and given that she is who she is, I'm more interested in her work. But she does tell me about her son, and she often shows me a picture. I then comment on how cute he is (not out of sense of obligation either. This kid is genuinely beautiful.). She then makes some sort of self-deprecating comment about her mothering skills. This is a woman who is extremely accomplished and fairly confident. It always bothers me that she makes such self-deprecating comments about her mothering skills.
My gut reaction is this issue is that women are too hard on themselves--we have been taught to expect too much out of ourselves (yes, this is the generic sort of statement that my peeps over at The Rhetorical Situation would hate, but I do think it is a largely true statement). I do believe that we're all insecure about our abilities to mother and to be successful in life in general (as evidenced by my professor's comments), but I'm not quite sure why we continue to feel guilt and confusion over being mothers, wives, and feminists. I am going to think about this some more and revisit this quotation. In the meantimes, does anyone have any thoughts?
8 comments:
I'm actually quite confident in my roles as wife, feminist, and mother. In fact, being a mother to my son is the thing I have the most confidence in. I wish that I had half as much faith in my abilities as a teacher/scholar!
Sometimes I fantasize about what it would be like to stay home with Supadiscobaby full time--but this really isn't an option for us (financially speaking). Lately, I've felt a bit of resentment for the choices I've made, because it seems like my decision to pursue a PhD and a career in academia is going to interfere with my desire to have another child (based on financial, career, and age concerns). I don't like having choices made for me--but it seems that one of my choices has led to the loss of another.
At the same time, I really love teaching, and, at times, I enjoy my research and writing. It doesn't help that I'm experiencing a bit of a dissertation block right now. Blech.
"it seems that one of my choices has led to the loss of another." I understand that sentiment completely as I too am struggling with this issue.
As a mom on a different position on the spectrum (that being stay-at-home dissertator with number two on the way), I have to agree with Supadiscomama on the fact that I have much more confidence in my ability as a mom than my ability as a scholar.
That said, I have some pangs of longing in the other direction. I have decided, barring unforeseen financial difficulty, to stay home until both kids are in Pre-K, or very close to being there, depending on job market, dissertation completion timing, etc. Mr. G-H came home tonight with a possibility for a future job for me at his school and I have a tiny feeling of impatience. I don't want to wait... I want it NOW! (Granted, it's not even a remote possibility until the diss is done, but still.)
I think you're right, M, that many of us expect too much of ourselves. I have a hard time trying to figure out why I can't fly through my research and raise a one-year-old and face morning sickness. The question should be, why did I think that was a reasonable expectation to begin with?
Also, can I just add that we're starting to see SATC movie signs in the bus stops already!!!
Oh dear, I'm feeling a little naked in front of the class right now! (No worries, M, I just thought our little conversation was buried in your archives.) It is important to me to clarify that I didn't mean feminist women were supposed to feel unfulfilled by motherhood--I think that's misinterpreting my comments (or, more likely, my written words misrepresented my sentiments). I am thrilled I feel so fulfilled in motherhood, and I definitely don't feel an ounce of guilt about it (nor did I ever think I should).
I had planned to be a fulfilled mother AND a successful professor--I thought I wanted both. But now I really ‘just’ want to be a stay-at-home mother, and the feminist in me is saying, ‘Huh?’ Somewhat ironically, I don’t really lack confidence about my abilities as a scholar/teacher and I don’t think this is a result of being too hard on myself either. Basically, I just enjoy being a full-time parent more than I enjoy being a scholar/teacher. It’s a little alarming to me that parenthood has made me so professionally ambivalent—trust me when I say that nobody is more surprised by this than I am. And I wonder, is it a slap in the face to those trailblazing feminists for me to get a Ph.D. and then live off my husband's paycheck? Is it a mistake? I struggle with this. I frequently ask myself, 'Why don't I feel incomplete without professional pursuits?' But, at least to me, that’s a totally DIFFERENT question than 'Why don't I feel unfulfilled as a mother?’
Jennie,
I also enjoy parenthood more than my profession--and I'm not even a professional yet! I've asked myself those same questions many times--with no good answers. Since Supadiscodaddy and I are both in grad school, I really don't have the option of staying home with Supadiscobaby. Even when we're finished and have jobs (if it happens), student loan payments will require that we both work. I'm hoping that my scholarly work will become more fulfilling once I get into the groove again. Here's hoping I find it!
Hi M,
I'm not quite sure why we continue to feel guilt and confusion over being mothers, wives, and feminists.
I can say with Great Certainty that I feel no guilt over being a wife and a feminist. I love Mr. Reads, and I love my life with him. If I choose to make dinner for us, it's because I am The Better Cook, and I enjoy cooking Very Much. If he chooses to cook for us, it is because he is The Better BBQer, and he enjoys BBQing (or making etouffee, or steak) very much.
I'm not a mother, and I'm not sure I want to be one, but if we do decide to have a child, it is because we think we will have a Very Interesting Child. I think my feminism has little if anything to do with my decision to have or not to have a child. Career-wise, I am the ambitious one in our relationship, and Mr. Reads, a writer, has already expressed his interest in being a stay-at-home dad.
I think feminism gave us the right to choose to have a career outside of "The Home," or to "stay at home" with our children, or both, or neither. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't choose to be a stay-at-home mom, but that doesn't mean I have any less respect for the women who do choose to stay at home, Ph.D. or no. Feminism is All About Choice, and who am I to judge another woman's choices? She certainly should not be able to judge mine.
Ciao,
Amy
Wow, fascinating discussion and, Jennie's "embarrassment" notwithstanding, I'm very glad that you brought our attention to your conversation in the comments and wrote this post. I know there's a sequel to it, but I just wanted to go ahead and say that in these past six years (almost) since my son was born I have definitely felt that I value my personal life much more than the academic life (I don't have a professional life now). But I think I always have, even before I had children. It's just who I am, I don't like to dissociate things and my family is really very important to me, at the top of my priorities.
On to read the other post!
Post a Comment