- I will stop avoiding conversations with her; I will talk to her when she calls instead of immediately passing the phone off to C.
- I will be open-minded and understanding about her feelings regarding our inability to visit more often and how far away we live.
- I will not take any comments she makes about my family, specifically my mother, to heart; her view of my family does not influence my or my son's relationship with them.
- I will not allow her to pit C and I against each other.
- I will earnestly try not to put C in a position to choose between our family and his natal family.
- I will try to accommodate all of her reasonable requests.
- I will remember that I will likely be a mother-in-law myself one day, and I will use my relationship with Yetta as a model for how not to treat my adult children and their partners.
- I will no longer let her attitude or her comments ruin visits to Home State. When we visit and she says inappropriate things, I will simply not respond or I will leave the room.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Revising my approach
After Jennie's thoughtful comments to yesterday's post about my anger toward my mother-in-law as well as a conversation with C last night, I've decided to revise my approach to my relationship with Yetta. As Jennie said, I want my husband and my son to have a healthy relationship with Yetta, one that has nothing to do with me and my often difficult relationship with her. I don't want my feelings to affect their view of her, and I definitely do not want to become between them. The bottom line is she does love them very much, and she will love Z very much as well. I even believe that she cares a lot for me, and in spite of all my anger, I care a great deal for her. So here is my new approach:
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6 comments:
wow. this is hard. but I agree...actually improving the relationship may not be possible. this is more or less how I think about things with my mom. I have to put up with a certain amount to keep the relationship alive, let her think what she will about me and my husband, and keep my distance other than that.
This is hard. Damn hard. I think it sounds like you're doing great.
Maybe she can be a negative lesson for when you're a mother-in-law. My MIL is generally really sweet but I know there are certain things about our relationship I'm going to do my best not to duplicate.
More than I could do...maybe because it sounds like you've already been doing most (if not all) of these things. Nonetheless, I hope things improve, for everyone's sake, but especially for you, C, Wild Man, and Z.
Good for you, M, I know this is a really difficult thing and it sucks to feel like you're always having to be the bigger person. I think your feelings are completely justified, truly. At the same time, I can imagine that Yetta may feel like she is being the bigger person too, just because you're different. My friend feels really insulted that when her in-laws visit she'll be making lunch and they say they don't want anything to eat. Then they go out to eat later. It makes her feel like her food is not good enough, but her in-laws may just be going out of the way to try to ensure they aren't any trouble as guests and can't understand why she doesn't appreciate their efforts to ease her burden. Your situation is not as simple as that example, the point is just that people are all coming at things from different places.
I think it is really interesting that you don't want to put C in a position where he has to choose between your family (you and Wild Man and Z) and his family (your in-laws)...he, by virtue of leaving home, marrying, and having children is choosing--or at least prioritizing--your family over his mother's. I think that is hard for a mother to accept, even if it is what is healthy and normal and what she genuinely wants for her son. In a way, it's a rejection (in the separation sense) and that can be difficult even if it is what is right. I have a theory that it is what so many of the issues between mothers- and daughters-in-law are about at their core, not consciously, but a deeply-seated vying over the husband/son's favor. Even with my own mother, actually, we get along best when I feel like she respects that I make the decisions for my son and my family. I have more issues with her when I feel she is trying to assert authority in my family and/or judging my choices. It completely gets on my nerves, but as a mother myself I can also see how it has to be really difficult for her to no longer have much of a say about my life and my family.
And, inspired by you, I am going to try to make more efforts with my in-laws too. I also pass off the phone immediately without conversing, among other things I could stand to improve.
wow. Jennie is dead on the money.
I agree that the MIL-DIL prob is most likely rooted in a struggle over the son/husband. Maybe the addition of children makes Yetta fear the "loss" of her son even more b/c the kids make him even more invested in his "other" family. It's sad to think that her grandchildren may pose a threat, though. Or maybe she's jealous of you--you have her boy and her grandkids.
I've joked in the past with re: my own role as crazed MIL when/if Supa-T settles down with a girl--but I do hope that I'm able to remember moments like this and let Supa-T be a man. Only time will tell...
I wish you lots of strength in your efforts to deal with this.
Thanks a lot, everyone. All of these comments have been really helpful, as had writing about it. As I told C last night, I've slowly felt my anger slipping away as I've started to consciously change my approach.
Jennie, what you wrote particularly makes a lot of sense, especially when I consider Yetta's need to always be the center of attention. With her other two children, her DIL, and her two grandsons, she is the center. She initiates all family events and plans most of them, even the ones my SIL and BIL host. With C, Wild Man, and I, she has to share--at least when we're visiting Home State. And she has said that she doesn't really feel like she fits in with us when she comes to visit b/c she doesn't know our daily routine, doesn't know our town, etc. C and I have both tried to remedy that, but it's hard when she is unwilling to work on making the situation better.
For now, I'm going to focus on making sure I don't do anything to prevent C, Wild Man, and Z from having a healthy (or at least as healthy as possible) relationship with her.
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