Saturday, February 11, 2012

A confession, of sorts

For the past several months I've been obliquely referring to ongoing issues that I haven't been able to blog about--or, more accurately, that I haven't felt comfortable blogging about.  One issue was the process of converting my current appointment at CU to a tenure-track line.  For several months that conversion process was being discussed, but nothing firm was in place.  I was, thus, not comfortable discussing it until I knew that the process was going forward.  The other issue is a bit more personal and is loosely connected to my hesitancy to blog about the first issue.

I am currently 18 weeks pregnant.  I have not blogged about this previously, despite being a self-proclaimed academic mother, for several reasons.  First, and quite honestly, this was not a planned pregnancy.  I have previously blogged about the decision not to have a third child; despite my own desire for a third child, Archer and I decided a third child was not in the best interests of our family for a variety of reasons.  It seems, for me, that this decision was much more definite than I realized.  When I discovered I was pregnant last fall, it was unexpected.  To use the word shocked is accurate, although, in many ways, that word is not strong enough.  Without going into details, I will say that Archer had been waiting to get a referral to a urologist for several months (my one complaint about the Canadian healthcare system: if one is not deathly ill, it can takes months to see a specialist).  I also will say that I am well into my 30s, and I do know what causes pregnancy. Nonetheless, I was shocked.  I was terrified.  I was overwhelmed.  Archer was cautiously excited.  He was never completely comfortable with our decision to stop at two, so he was immediately happy, although well aware of the complications that come with another child.  I was not happy.  In fact, I spent the first two weeks of the pregnancy crying.  Sobbing is more accurate.  I contemplated ending the pregnancy, a decision that Archer hesitantly supported.  I had a long list of reasons as to why this was the most logical choice, and he admitted that he couldn't argue against my logic.  Despite his cautious happiness, he conceded that it made little sense to have a third child.  I even called my doctor to make the appointment, but ultimately, I couldn't do it.

Even almost three months later, I'm not sure I can explain why I didn't make that call.  I talked to two good friends, both of whom were incredibly supportive.  One friend, who had ended an unplanned pregnancy (under very, very different circumstances than mine), cautioned me that, even if I was sure in my decision, I would always wonder.  As I looked at Wild Man and Bear, I honestly wasn't sure I could deal with wondering when I already knew them.

Where am I now?  After many months of ambivalence, I'm slowly getting excited.  We've told very few people though.  Primarily because we opted to have genetic testing, in part because of my age and in part because I was not in a place to deal with any more surprises.  All of those tests have come back (these tests include an ultrasound and blood tests done at specific points in the first and second trimesters), and everything seems to be progressing normally.  We've both told our department chairs, and as you might expect, it's caused some complications to the interview process for me (which I'm sure I'll blog about later).  We've told Wild Man and Bear, and Wild Man is beyond excited.  Bear doesn't really seem to understand, although he is happy to talk to my growing bump.  Other than that, we've told about 10 or so close friends and my sister.  We are traveling to Home State next week for CU's spring break, and as we've never been able to tell our parents such news in person, we decided to tell them then.  I'll openly admit I've delayed telling them until the testing was done, as well as so I could get used to the idea. 

I'm still worried about how this will work.  Archer and I both have demanding jobs, and there are some days when I feel like we're barely keeping our heads above water with two careers and two children.  I'm worried that I won't be seen as a serious academic, especially by members of Research Department.  I'm worried about time and money and any number of things.  But when Wild Man launches into an argument as to why we should name the baby after his favorite Star Wars character, it is hard not to get excited.

*As an aside, to those of you who know me in real life, I'm sorry for coming out this way.  I am at a point where I feel the need to write about this as a way to process it all.  As I wrote above, our parents and extended families don't know yet, so please don't post about this on Facebook as I would hate for them to find out that way.

11 comments:

L said...

WOW. JUST WOW! My heartfelt congratulations!! As you may suspect, I'm just the teensiest, tiniest sliver jealous, but I'm 40, so no, I'm not really jealous at all.

Thanks for sharing this with us. I can imagine it must have been a tough decision to write this post. I imagine it must have been an even harder decision to continue with the pregnancy. You're brave and I'm sure you and your family will find a way to manage. Last, but not least, I'm truly happy to hear that everything is well.

I suppose you found out the gender, since you did genetic testing, are you going to keep that a surprise from us too? ;) (I don't mind, but I guess you know me, I'm terribly curious, always ;). I'm thinking that at least this time it won't be a surprise for *you*, right? I still remember how shell-shocked I was when you told us about Bear (I almost used his name, sorry, I love his name).

Anyway. I won't say anything in facebook, don't worry. I hope your family doesn't give you grief over this. (sigh).

What are your plans regarding maternity leave, how long are you planning to take? (Sorry for the question, you have plenty of time to discuss that, never mind!).

Well... I'm happy and VERY VERY excited for you and your family. I had an unexpected pregnancy too (my second), so I know it's pretty hard in the beginning. Sigh...

Thanks again for trusting us and "confessing."

jo(e) said...

My fourth child was a surprise. I was in shock when I found out I was pregnant with him. My other kids were planned around semesters (their birthdays are in June, May, and January), and this kid arrived in the middle of October. Nothing was convenient about this child. It took my whole pregnancy to get used to the idea that yes, I was having another child.

The day he was born, I took one look at him and fell in love. Any doubts disappeared at that moment. He's seventeen now, and I can't imagine life without him.

M said...

Lilian, thank you for the congratulations. I truly appreciate them. It is easier to get excited as people I tell express their excitement for us. We do not yet know the baby's sex. The testing we had done didn't reveal the baby's sex, and as we decided based on those results not to have an amnio, we won't find out for a few weeks yet. And we haven't decided if we will find out. Given our last experience with Bear, Archer makes a very valid argument that there isn't much point in finding out. We'll see, though.

Jo(e), I'm due in late July, so at least the birth falls between semesters. I've learned though that there isn't much that is convenient about babies! As I wrote, I'm feeling excited and slowly starting to feel happy about expanding our family. I still have days where I think we're absolutely nuts and moments where I'm not sure we made the right decision, but those moments are becoming few and far between.

Thank you both for the support.

AcadeMama said...

I'm an academic and, as you know, a mother of three kids. I also have my first two publications coming out this year and nobody (that I know of) has ever questioned my commitment to academia or research. And it's precisely *because* Hubby is also an academic that we are able to work with each other on scheduling issues and balance our duties as parents with our duties as scholars. Does it get crazy sometimes? Absolutely. Am I exhausted at the end of the day? Usually. But, I truly wouldn't have it any other way. I realize that our third baby was planned, so the situations aren't entirely comparable, and I'd very likely feel different if ours had been a surprise. But, I just wanted to tell you not to sell yourself short, either as an academic OR as a mother. It doesn't really matter how other members of Research Department see you. The most important thing is how you see yourself! I wish you both nothing but the best, and I'll be praying for a healthy pregnancy for you. Congratulations, this is exciting!! :)

L said...

I totally agree with Archer that there's no point in trying to find out the sex, given what happened to Bear!! :D But you can bet I'm keeping my fingers crossed for a girl! ;) I'm sure you'll be delighted with another boy, though.

I hope you're healthy and feeling well throughout the pregnancy and that everything goes smoothly. We cannot be there with you in person, but we can try to cheer you up from afar!!

P.S. and I just LOVE when one of my bloggy friends is pregnant because I get to live through it vicariously a bit. I know it's a totally selfish reason to be happy for you, but I'm sharing it anyway. ;)

Anonymous said...

Oh my God, I am shocked, but very happy for you. As a mother who made a very deliberate decision to have just one child, I completely understand your apprehension. But knowing you, I agree with jo(e) that any doubts you're having will disappear when the little one arrives. Congratulations to you and your family!

M said...

Thanks for the congrats. I hope the doubts disappear. This morning, as we were all at the breakfast table, with Bear and Wild Man making each other laugh by telling penis jokes rather than eating breakfast, when I blew a fuse drying my hair while Archer dealt with the repairperson who was 15 minutes late to take measurements for the new furnace being installed, and Bear pooped right as I was putting his snow pants on him, I found myself thinking, "I can barely handle this. How can I handle a third?" As I was thinking that, Archer looked at me and literally said the exact same thing. I may need a sedative by the time this baby is born.

Anonymous said...

M, I suspect you will have moments (likely many of them) where you say to youself, "I can barely handle this," (I say this to myself all the time) but I bet the thought will not be followed by, "I really regret having [insert third baby's name here]." Just as you did not regret having Bear even though he pooped at a very inconvenient time this morning. You are going to be a great mother of three, I am certain. But take all the time you need to get used to the idea; you're entitled. PS--Bear should be over pooping anywhere other than a toilet by the end of July :)

M said...

Jennie, if you can figure out a way to get Bear interested in potty training, I'd love to hear them. None of the tricks that worked for Wild Man are working for him. He doesn't care about stickers or candy, and he really doesn't car about getting his cars underwear wet. He'll sit on it, but he won't go.

Anonymous said...

Luke was the same way! At his three year well check the pediatrician told me Luke was old enough that he didn't have to be INTERESTED, it was time to potty train. Rewards were one way to go, but for a child who might be content to wear diapers to kindergarten he told us we could also say, "Only big boys who use the potty get to play with this Thomas train," and we could begin to take things away from him for not using the potty. We never ended up needing to take anything away, but this advice gave us permission to FORCE Luke to use the potty and that was all he really needed. We gave him a ton of apple juice and sat him on the potty and didn't let him get up until he went. After a long time and much crying he went, realized he could do it and it was nothing to be afraid of, and two or three days later he was potty trained (pee and poop and no accidents). We also promised him Thomas's Roundhouse (something he really, really wanted at the time) as a reward for being completely potty trained (no child's potty seat, and no going home to use our bathroom if we were out--he was afraid of this because public toilets are so loud when they flush). To this day, I give the Roundhouse credit for potty training our son.

Anonymous said...

PS--even back then he knew a Roundhouse was way better than some crappy stickers and a few M&Ms :)