About a week ago I had a conversation with the dean in which I firmly expressed that I did not want to be a sacrificial lamb for the partner placement initiative, such as it is, at CU. The dean firmly agreed and indicated that everything that could be done would be done to prevent it. I am acutely aware that the dean has two back up plans in place. I do believe this dean is committed to ensuring that Archer and I stay at CU. After all, as the dean reminded me, in the last 4 years, we've both brought in about $40,000 in grant money; Archer has made a name for himself in a fairly small field while teaching in a country that barely recognizes said field; I've designed 4 classes that have increased enrollment in 3 departments; and we've both demonstrated that we have strong research potential. All the while, the dean added, while staying on the job market and balancing our home life with our careers. The dean reminded me, however, (as deans are wont to do, I suppose) that sh/e could only control so much. The dean reiterated that the joint appointment as it has originally been envisioned was still the way sh/e preferred to go--for lots of reasons, the primary one being that the two departments are about to merge. I am the only person on campus who can teach in both departments. The plan makes a lot of sense.
In an entirely separate conversation with the chair of Research department, I again stated I did not want to be made a sacrificial lamb. RC (Research Chair) assured me that this was not going to happen, saying that if a decision was made by the appropriate committee to move forward with the interview then the appointment would go through. I said again, "I'm not sure I believe that is the case; however, this appointment reflects the career track I want to be on. Therefore, I will trust you." That is where I made my mistake.
The interview happened on Monday. I thought it went well. The questions following my talk turned into a conversation. Two faculty members stayed after the Q&A ended to follow up on issues in which our research areas overlap. The following interview was also a conversation. Lunch went well. The grad students seemed to like me. Dinner was a bit awkward, but it was fine. RC assured me I had put my best foot forward and that all would go well.
The dean called me yesterday about 40 minutes after Archer and I landed for our babymoon/research trip. The committee met sometime yesterday to finalize the appointment, or so I had been told before I left town. All had not gone well. I was, in fact, made the sacrificial lamb. I will not be holding a joint appointment in Research department and Teaching department. I know nothing more than that. I have a conference call scheduled with the chair of TD later today. I'm hoping to get answers, but I suspect TC will only be able to tell me so much. I may be scheduling a meeting with my union rep when we return to CU Land as well.
Showing posts with label anger. Show all posts
Showing posts with label anger. Show all posts
Friday, May 04, 2012
Tuesday, December 07, 2010
Anger
As I wrote a few days ago, I'm still processing my grandmother's death. I'm angry about a lot of things. Namely I'm angry that I always have to be the adult. In my immediate family, meaning my parents and my two siblings, I'm the youngest (that's right, I'm the youngest), but in so many ways I'm the adult. I'm the one who tells people to go to the doctor; I'm the to help my parents figure out how to hire a good contractor; and I'm the one my niece and nephew turn to when they are concerned about their mother's health.
When everything was going down with my gram, I was the one to tell my mom to get in the car and go so she could say good-bye, and I'm the one who called my sister to say, "Look, you're the closest one out of our family. Get your ass there now." For once my sister listened. My mom delayed, waiting on her sister-in-law to drive through Home State and pick her up. Thus, my mom didn't make it to the hospital until half an hour before my gram was taken off the ventilator. (On some level, I do get this. My mom was hoping if she stayed away my gram would get better, as she has in the past. On another level, I'm pissed that my mom delayed, forcing her youngest sister to make the decision to end life support without my mother's input.).
I'm also angry at my mom's oldest sister for not stepping up and following my gram's wishes more closely. My grandmother never wanted to be put on life support. In fact, she had a living will--she'd had one for well over a decade. The circumstances necessitated that she be put on life support as paramedics found her not breathing. As soon as it became clear she has suffered major brain damage, everyone should have agreed, including my mom's oldest sister, that Gram be taken off life support once my grandfather and their four children (my mom and her three siblings) had time to say good-bye. My aunt disagreed. In fact, she argued with my mom's youngest sister (Aunt S), who is a nurse and had medical power-of-attorney. She refused to return to the hospital the night we took my gram off life support until Aunt S told her she was taking her off life support with or without the oldest aunt there. She then showed up and behaved very, very strangely (yes, even strangely for someone about to watch her mother die). So, in the end, it became a case of the youngest being forced to be the most responsible.
Finally, I'm pissed at my dad who refused to come to the funeral. Yes, you read that right. Apparently, my parents didn't have anyone to watch their cats. Yes, again, you read that right. My dad tried to get my brother to stay, but he refused. And frankly, damn right he did. J wanted to say good-bye to his grandmother and attend her funeral. My parents couldn't come up with a single other person to take care of their cats. And because this all happened on the weekend they couldn't board them (or so they said). When I heard this, I was speechless, literally. And, as is my way, I tried to fix it. I called Pita, who drives past my parent's neighborhood every day on her way to work, and asked her to take care of the cats. She immediately agreed, so I called my dad back. He wasn't happy I interfered, but he said that was fine. He'd leave with my mom. Pita called Archer a half an hour later to say she'd talked to my dad and that he told her he and my mom had discussed it. He wouldn't be going. I called my dad again. He said it was settled. I said point blank, "You will be expected to be there. Grandpa will want you there. Mom will want you there. I need you there." He didn't say anything, so I said, "You know, Dad, I don't ask you for much, but I'm asking you for this. I need you to be there." He said, "Ok, M, I'll be there. Have Pita call me again." Then he hung up on me. Archer called Pita again, and she called my dad. She called back about 15 minutes later. She told Archer, "He said he didn't need me. He's not going." I haven't spoken to my father since.
For me, this is the ultimate refusal. I told my father as clearly as I could that I needed him. I get that this isn't about me. I get that my dad has some health issues that make it difficult for him to travel. I get that death is hard. I get all of that. But I also know that I've lived in Canada for 3 years, and my father still doesn't have a passport. Bear was in the hospital when he was 4 weeks old, and my father couldn't come to help or to see him because he doesn't have a passport. I've lived away from Home State for 12 years, and my father has been to visit me in my own home 3 times, one of which was when he helped me move when I started working on my Master's degree. He's seen Wild Man about 6 times, and he's seen Bear twice. And it isn't just me. He hasn't seen my sister in over 2 years, and unless she makes it to Home State, she won't see him anytime soon.
You see, attending my grandmother's funeral was about more than saying good-bye to my grandmother. My entire family was together, save my sister's husband (who had only met my grandmother 2 times and didn't want to sacrifice his Thanksgiving with his daughters from his first marriage) and my dad. This was the first time since 1990 all 10 of my grandparents' grandchildren were together. This was the first time since 2007 my sister, brother, and I were together. This was the first time my father would have seen all 4 of his grandchildren together. And he stayed home to take care of my mom's cats. He stayed home when I specifically asked him to come because I needed him. This one is going to take a long, long time for me to get over.
Oh, and I really, really miss my grandmother.
When everything was going down with my gram, I was the one to tell my mom to get in the car and go so she could say good-bye, and I'm the one who called my sister to say, "Look, you're the closest one out of our family. Get your ass there now." For once my sister listened. My mom delayed, waiting on her sister-in-law to drive through Home State and pick her up. Thus, my mom didn't make it to the hospital until half an hour before my gram was taken off the ventilator. (On some level, I do get this. My mom was hoping if she stayed away my gram would get better, as she has in the past. On another level, I'm pissed that my mom delayed, forcing her youngest sister to make the decision to end life support without my mother's input.).
I'm also angry at my mom's oldest sister for not stepping up and following my gram's wishes more closely. My grandmother never wanted to be put on life support. In fact, she had a living will--she'd had one for well over a decade. The circumstances necessitated that she be put on life support as paramedics found her not breathing. As soon as it became clear she has suffered major brain damage, everyone should have agreed, including my mom's oldest sister, that Gram be taken off life support once my grandfather and their four children (my mom and her three siblings) had time to say good-bye. My aunt disagreed. In fact, she argued with my mom's youngest sister (Aunt S), who is a nurse and had medical power-of-attorney. She refused to return to the hospital the night we took my gram off life support until Aunt S told her she was taking her off life support with or without the oldest aunt there. She then showed up and behaved very, very strangely (yes, even strangely for someone about to watch her mother die). So, in the end, it became a case of the youngest being forced to be the most responsible.
Finally, I'm pissed at my dad who refused to come to the funeral. Yes, you read that right. Apparently, my parents didn't have anyone to watch their cats. Yes, again, you read that right. My dad tried to get my brother to stay, but he refused. And frankly, damn right he did. J wanted to say good-bye to his grandmother and attend her funeral. My parents couldn't come up with a single other person to take care of their cats. And because this all happened on the weekend they couldn't board them (or so they said). When I heard this, I was speechless, literally. And, as is my way, I tried to fix it. I called Pita, who drives past my parent's neighborhood every day on her way to work, and asked her to take care of the cats. She immediately agreed, so I called my dad back. He wasn't happy I interfered, but he said that was fine. He'd leave with my mom. Pita called Archer a half an hour later to say she'd talked to my dad and that he told her he and my mom had discussed it. He wouldn't be going. I called my dad again. He said it was settled. I said point blank, "You will be expected to be there. Grandpa will want you there. Mom will want you there. I need you there." He didn't say anything, so I said, "You know, Dad, I don't ask you for much, but I'm asking you for this. I need you to be there." He said, "Ok, M, I'll be there. Have Pita call me again." Then he hung up on me. Archer called Pita again, and she called my dad. She called back about 15 minutes later. She told Archer, "He said he didn't need me. He's not going." I haven't spoken to my father since.
For me, this is the ultimate refusal. I told my father as clearly as I could that I needed him. I get that this isn't about me. I get that my dad has some health issues that make it difficult for him to travel. I get that death is hard. I get all of that. But I also know that I've lived in Canada for 3 years, and my father still doesn't have a passport. Bear was in the hospital when he was 4 weeks old, and my father couldn't come to help or to see him because he doesn't have a passport. I've lived away from Home State for 12 years, and my father has been to visit me in my own home 3 times, one of which was when he helped me move when I started working on my Master's degree. He's seen Wild Man about 6 times, and he's seen Bear twice. And it isn't just me. He hasn't seen my sister in over 2 years, and unless she makes it to Home State, she won't see him anytime soon.
You see, attending my grandmother's funeral was about more than saying good-bye to my grandmother. My entire family was together, save my sister's husband (who had only met my grandmother 2 times and didn't want to sacrifice his Thanksgiving with his daughters from his first marriage) and my dad. This was the first time since 1990 all 10 of my grandparents' grandchildren were together. This was the first time since 2007 my sister, brother, and I were together. This was the first time my father would have seen all 4 of his grandchildren together. And he stayed home to take care of my mom's cats. He stayed home when I specifically asked him to come because I needed him. This one is going to take a long, long time for me to get over.
Oh, and I really, really miss my grandmother.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Getting over anger
Apparently this is the morning for using my blog to vent.
C made a fairly reasonable request of me last night, but one that I'm struggling to figure out how to address. He asked that I figure out some way to get over my recent and (at times) almost all-consuming anger at his mother. He recognized that I am, mostly, fully justified in my anger, but he said it makes it difficult on him. I know this, and I have repeatedly apologized to him for my current state of mind regarding his mother. But I also freely admit I have made no attempt to get past my anger, and if anything, my anger has grown.
Why am I so angry at Yetta? It's long and complex. The reasons include the typical ones most daughters-in-law site for being angry with their mothers-in-law. She is overbearing, intrusive, self-centered, and manipulative. She often says things without thinking that are hurtful, spiteful, and downright mean. She almost never apologizes, and if she does, it is typically in a back handed way that lets me know that she is insincere. I've dealt with this for years, and while these things are a source of irritation, I can handle them. What I really resent is the fact that she has recently lied directly to me and has begun saying negative things about me to C. For his part, C does tell her that he doesn't want to hear any of these negative things and that her comments are completely inappropriate. She, however, continues with the comments after a short respite. Frankly, I can also deal with this; I mean, really, whatever, she can think whatever she wants to think about me, or at least usually. She has, however, begun espousing an opinion that I find completely intolerable as it insults me, my parents, my upbringing, and whatever semblance of a relationship I have with her.
She has said, repeatedly, in the past year, that my family and I do not seem to value family as much as she does (to be fair, she says the exact same thing about my sister-in-law, C's brother's wife). She is so sure of this, in fact, that she has rearranged her finances to ensure that neither J, my SIL, or I will ever have to take care of her in her old age. I can tolerate this sort of thing when she says it to C, although it does piss me off. But I reason as long as she doesn't say it to me, I'm not going to worry about it as I don't really have to respond. During our visit at Christmas, though, she made this very statement to me. She then added that she resented that I put my family before her and that I am not appropriately thankful for all she does. Oh, and then she said, my parents never include her in anything and that she knows I say awful things to my mother about her all the time. She then claimed to have never said anything negative about me to anyone. These statements were made in the course of what I thought was going to be a productive conversation between just the two of us, a conversation that was initiated by something she said that made C so angry he left the room and refused to come back for the remainder of the evening (as an aside, I tried to retreat with him, but he was so angry he wanted to be alone for fear he would say something mean to me. His mom's house is small; I had no choice but to hang out in the kitchen alone with her until C calmed down.).
Truth be told, the conversation started off well. She talked, I listened, primarily b/c she was trying to understand C's anger at her very ignorant comment and I wasn't about to try to explain her son to her. Then she started making these comments about me and my family. And frankly, I lost it. I did manage to not sound angry, but I responded to every single comment--even telling her that, in fact, I do know almost every negative thing she has ever said about me b/c C tells me about many of the comments. She didn't even respond to most of the things I said, which included the fact that my parents no longer invite her over to their home b/c they don't like entertaining and b/c she has refused their invitations so many times they no longer see the point in ever offering. After I made my points, the conversation went elsewhere, and I eventually excused myself and went to bed, believing that perhaps we had actually started to understand each other. It seems I was wrong.
Recently her comments about me and my "hatred" of family have become increasingly more frequent, so frequent in fact that she has two visits planned in the next few months but has made it very clear that she will be coming when I'm out of town so as "not to interfere with my work schedule." C has said he thinks this is thoughtful, but I told him that is her passive agressive way of reminding me that she's still pissed at me for saying that extended family isn't a priority right now b/c I've got to finish my dissertation. And so, my anger increases, and I inadvertently take it out on C. I've got to find a way to deal with it, a way that doesn't include talking to my mother-in-law because, frankly, I've tried it before and it doesn't work. I've tried changing my behavior, and that also doesn't work. I had hoped that writing about it here would help, but alas, I'm just pissed all over again. I really, really want to like this woman b/c she is my husband's mother. She loves Wild Man dearly, and I know she will feel the same about Z. I want to have a healthy relationship with her b/c I don't want to dread every single visit we make to her house. But I honestly have no idea how to accomplish that.
C made a fairly reasonable request of me last night, but one that I'm struggling to figure out how to address. He asked that I figure out some way to get over my recent and (at times) almost all-consuming anger at his mother. He recognized that I am, mostly, fully justified in my anger, but he said it makes it difficult on him. I know this, and I have repeatedly apologized to him for my current state of mind regarding his mother. But I also freely admit I have made no attempt to get past my anger, and if anything, my anger has grown.
Why am I so angry at Yetta? It's long and complex. The reasons include the typical ones most daughters-in-law site for being angry with their mothers-in-law. She is overbearing, intrusive, self-centered, and manipulative. She often says things without thinking that are hurtful, spiteful, and downright mean. She almost never apologizes, and if she does, it is typically in a back handed way that lets me know that she is insincere. I've dealt with this for years, and while these things are a source of irritation, I can handle them. What I really resent is the fact that she has recently lied directly to me and has begun saying negative things about me to C. For his part, C does tell her that he doesn't want to hear any of these negative things and that her comments are completely inappropriate. She, however, continues with the comments after a short respite. Frankly, I can also deal with this; I mean, really, whatever, she can think whatever she wants to think about me, or at least usually. She has, however, begun espousing an opinion that I find completely intolerable as it insults me, my parents, my upbringing, and whatever semblance of a relationship I have with her.
She has said, repeatedly, in the past year, that my family and I do not seem to value family as much as she does (to be fair, she says the exact same thing about my sister-in-law, C's brother's wife). She is so sure of this, in fact, that she has rearranged her finances to ensure that neither J, my SIL, or I will ever have to take care of her in her old age. I can tolerate this sort of thing when she says it to C, although it does piss me off. But I reason as long as she doesn't say it to me, I'm not going to worry about it as I don't really have to respond. During our visit at Christmas, though, she made this very statement to me. She then added that she resented that I put my family before her and that I am not appropriately thankful for all she does. Oh, and then she said, my parents never include her in anything and that she knows I say awful things to my mother about her all the time. She then claimed to have never said anything negative about me to anyone. These statements were made in the course of what I thought was going to be a productive conversation between just the two of us, a conversation that was initiated by something she said that made C so angry he left the room and refused to come back for the remainder of the evening (as an aside, I tried to retreat with him, but he was so angry he wanted to be alone for fear he would say something mean to me. His mom's house is small; I had no choice but to hang out in the kitchen alone with her until C calmed down.).
Truth be told, the conversation started off well. She talked, I listened, primarily b/c she was trying to understand C's anger at her very ignorant comment and I wasn't about to try to explain her son to her. Then she started making these comments about me and my family. And frankly, I lost it. I did manage to not sound angry, but I responded to every single comment--even telling her that, in fact, I do know almost every negative thing she has ever said about me b/c C tells me about many of the comments. She didn't even respond to most of the things I said, which included the fact that my parents no longer invite her over to their home b/c they don't like entertaining and b/c she has refused their invitations so many times they no longer see the point in ever offering. After I made my points, the conversation went elsewhere, and I eventually excused myself and went to bed, believing that perhaps we had actually started to understand each other. It seems I was wrong.
Recently her comments about me and my "hatred" of family have become increasingly more frequent, so frequent in fact that she has two visits planned in the next few months but has made it very clear that she will be coming when I'm out of town so as "not to interfere with my work schedule." C has said he thinks this is thoughtful, but I told him that is her passive agressive way of reminding me that she's still pissed at me for saying that extended family isn't a priority right now b/c I've got to finish my dissertation. And so, my anger increases, and I inadvertently take it out on C. I've got to find a way to deal with it, a way that doesn't include talking to my mother-in-law because, frankly, I've tried it before and it doesn't work. I've tried changing my behavior, and that also doesn't work. I had hoped that writing about it here would help, but alas, I'm just pissed all over again. I really, really want to like this woman b/c she is my husband's mother. She loves Wild Man dearly, and I know she will feel the same about Z. I want to have a healthy relationship with her b/c I don't want to dread every single visit we make to her house. But I honestly have no idea how to accomplish that.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)