The fallout

It seems the fallout from last spring's drama at CU continues.  I've just been notified that unless I can get one of the two departments to agree to run the travel course I designed (which doesn't really fit in either department) I will be forced to return the money.  There are days when I seriously wonder if this is the place for us.

A bit of good news

As I blogged about previously (sorry, I'm not linking right now), the dean has been committed to securing me a T-T line at CU.  I'm not one to question a dean, but I think this goal has a lot to do with keeping Archer, who is making a name for himself in his field, here as well as with keeping me here.  The fact that I can teach in three departments means that I represent a lot of the things the dean advocates for the future of this faculty.  Plus, on my current appointment, which is not T-T but is research focused, I've had one article accepted, sent out two others for review, and secured a $17,000 (yes, you read that correctly) curriculum development grant.  I think I've demonstrated what I can do in a research focused position.  On a different note, Archer has also received around $15,000 in three separate research grants since he's been at CU.  Financially, it just doesn't make sense to get rid of us.  Thus, after RD revolted (I've heard about 7 different versions of what happened, none from anyone who was actually there, so I still have no idea what went down), the dean immediately began pursuing another appointment for me.

On Wednesday I (again) presented a job talk and was interviewed.  This time, however, the whole process took less than 3 hours.  Here is what happened:

• 1:00--I gave my talk, following a lengthy Q&A, which turned into a fantastic conversation about my paper.
• 2:20--I took a break, while everyone attending the talk was asked to stay and offer their feedback to the committee.
• 2:45--my interview started.  I was asked lots of typical questions, and at one point, one committee member corrected another committee member on the content of my CV. That was weird, but it also meant I didn't have to be the one to correct the committee member who had misread my CV.
• 3:30--I left the interview room, and the committee met to discuss my appointment.
• 3:45--the chairs of the two departments in which I may be appointed came to my office to gleefully tell me that the committee had agreed to recommend that I be offered a T-T, joint appointment in their departments.  

I wanted to cry, literally.  They both gave me some really positive feedback on my talk and my answers during the interview, which was wonderful.  As an added bonus, one of Archer's colleagues attended my talk, and she sent him an email telling him how well she thought I did.  This is a woman whose work I know and respect, and she has a reputation for being a bit of a hard ass at such events.  She gives compliments rarely, so getting one from her means something.

Where does this leave me?  From a practical standpoint, I'm waiting to hear back from the dean's office on the terms of my contract.  I've yet to decide if I want to negotiate any of the terms.  Part of me wants to, but part of me wants to just sign the damn thing and move on.   From an emotional standpoint, this appointment feels right.  I'm not sure I can really explain why.  I will say that the response to my talk was vastly different than when I presented it during the first interview.  While I do think that it was well received that time, this time everyone in the room had offered a piece of positive feedback, and everyone remarked that the work I'm doing brings these two departments together really well.  It was an overwhelmingly positive experience.  I was nervous; I was really nervous given what happened last time.  But I left the room knowing that everyone who attended saw that my work is valuable and worthwhile.  That was not a feeling I had following the first interview.

I'm still not sure what this means for us long term.  But after a very tumultuous few months at CU, in which nearly every day raised another issue that caused me to be uncertain about how I would be treated in RD, I know now I'm in a place, both literally and metaphorically, where the people around me are committed to helping me develop as a scholar and a teacher.  That means a lot.

Moving Forward, Part 2

Moving forward after the debacle of interviewing for a position that I was repeatedly assured was mine has been harder than I thought.  At first, I experienced what I think are normal emotions: shock, anger, betrayal, confusion, more anger.  I'm trying hard to move forward.  To that end I've done a number of things that I didn't have to do, but that felt essential to maintaining my own sanity.

First, I've severed as many ties as possible with RD, without burning any bridges.  To accomplish this, I've had my name taken off of their website, and I've also had my primary affiliation on CU's website changed (this one necessitated a few phone calls).  I've relocated offices--this one was only possible because Dr. Writing, who has also had tenuous dealings with RD throughout her time at CU, understood why I didn't want to be in that department.  I've turned in my mailbox key.  I've removed my name from the faculty directory and my door.  All the while, I've thanked the staff, who have always been kind and cooperative, and I've also made sure to be courteous and polite with any RD faculty members I've had to deal with while accomplishing these tasks.  For the most part, this has been easy as the faculty members in administrative positions don't seem to be the ones who had issues with this appointment.  It likely also helps that the dean spoke directly to RD chair and told him to help me move my stuff without any question.  In fact, I think the dean, who graciously offered to have guys from the physical plant move all my boxes to my temporary office, made RD chair find the money in his budget to cover the cost.

Second, I've tried to get back to work.  I'm revising an article, which I hope to send out by next month, and I am working on an anthology proposal with two lovely colleagues, who also happen to be dear friends.

Third, I'm trying hard to focus on the positive.  I will likely end up with a T-T job once everything has settled down.  Given the state of the academic job market, securing such a position at the same university where Archer teaches is no small feat.  Plus, we're settled in CU Land.  This has, as I've suddenly realized, become home.  I really like it here.  That simple fact has enabled me to move past a lot.

I am dealing with some a bit of an identity crisis, though.  On Friday I found myself in tears after I realized that staying at CU likely means I will never teach a course in my primary field of research.  Yes, I will likely be able to focus on certain authors I study, and I will definitely be able to incorporate the genres I focus on.  But I may never teach another course on the Survey of Underwater Basket Weaving.  That was a bit hard to swallow.

For right now, I don't know what the future holds.  I know we'll be here next year.  Beyond that I can't say.  If I was asked that question a month ago, I likely would have said, "Oh, we'll be here indefinitely."  I has not in a place to even think about going back on the job market, nor was Archer.  Now I don't know.  We're taking things one day at a time.

Anxious

My good friend J just emailed me.  She has offered to meet me at CU on Friday to pack up my office and then to take me out to lunch to cheer me up.  She is a wonderful friend, and I'm glad to have her in my life.  Her email, however, made the fact that I am returning to CU Land and all of the drama at CU very real. 

It seems like a small thing--changing offices.  But after not having an office for 3 years, I have grown to love my little office, which is even painted in a color I chose.  Being away has been a bit of a respite from reality. Yes, we've talked about everything, and I've communicated with Dr. Writing, Dr. Rhetoric, and the Dean.  We have a plan.  I know how I'm going to proceed. 

But I haven't actually had to face any of the unpleasant people yet (not that the above mentioned people are the unpleasant ones).  Suddenly I'm feeling a bit anxious about returning.  For now, though, I'm going to do my best to quiet that anxiety and enjoy my last evening away with Archer.

The lamb

About a week ago I had a conversation with the dean in which I firmly expressed that I did not want to be a sacrificial lamb for the partner placement initiative, such as it is, at CU.  The dean firmly agreed and indicated that everything that could be done would be done to prevent it.  I am acutely aware that the dean has two back up plans in place.  I do believe this dean is committed to ensuring that Archer and I stay at CU.  After all, as the dean reminded me, in the last 4 years, we've both brought in about $40,000 in grant money; Archer has made a name for himself in a fairly small field while teaching in a country that barely recognizes said field; I've designed 4 classes that have increased enrollment in 3 departments; and we've both demonstrated that we have strong research potential.  All the while, the dean added, while staying on the job market and balancing our home life with our careers.  The dean reminded me, however, (as deans are wont to do, I suppose) that sh/e could only control so much.  The dean reiterated that the joint appointment as it has originally been envisioned was still the way sh/e preferred to go--for lots of reasons, the primary one being that the two departments are about to merge.  I am the only person on campus who can teach in both departments.  The plan makes a lot of sense.

In an entirely separate conversation with the chair of Research department, I again stated I did not want to be made a sacrificial lamb.  RC (Research Chair) assured me that this was not going to happen, saying that if a decision was made by the appropriate committee to move forward with the interview then the appointment would go through.  I said again, "I'm not sure I believe that is the case; however, this appointment reflects the career track I want to be on.  Therefore, I will trust you."  That is where I made my mistake.

The interview happened on Monday.  I thought it went well.  The questions following my talk turned into a conversation.  Two faculty members stayed after the Q&A ended to follow up on issues in which our research areas overlap.  The following interview was also a conversation.  Lunch went well.  The grad students seemed to like me.  Dinner was a bit awkward, but it was fine.  RC assured me I had put my best foot forward and that all would go well.

The dean called me yesterday about 40 minutes after Archer and I landed for our babymoon/research trip.  The committee met sometime yesterday to finalize the appointment, or so I had been told before I left town.  All had not gone well.  I was, in fact, made the sacrificial lamb.  I will not be holding a joint appointment in Research department and Teaching department.  I know nothing more than that.  I have a conference call scheduled with the chair of TD later today.  I'm hoping to get answers, but I suspect TC will only be able to tell me so much.  I may be scheduling a meeting with my union rep when we return to CU Land as well.

More on the short of it

As I wrote yesterday, I had several meetings in an attempt to figure out how to proceed.  I met with Dr. Writing and Dr. Rhetoric, and I had a phone conversation with the dean.  Drs. Writing and Rhetoric were, as always, wonderful and supportive.  They helped me work through the decisions I have to make.  They also listened to me vent the process.  They outlined their vision for me, which more or less matches my own vision, and reassured me that they see me as a valuable member of the program, something they have already told me and, more importantly, demonstrated. 

I then spoke with the dean, who (as much as a dean can) expressed frustration with the situation and apologized.  As much as I've been able to determine, the dean isn't the problem.   In fact, the dean has been among my most vocal supporters, primarily from an institutional standpoint more than a personal one, but frankly, that's what I expect from a dean.  I will say that the dean sees me as key to several projects within the faculty, and the dean further sees both joint appointments and partner-placements as key to building a healthy, collegial community in the faculty.  I see those things as valuable too.  I like that I am a trailblazer to some extent; I do not, however, want to be a sacrificial lamb, and I said that to the dean.  We discussed the options available to me, and the dean is not ready to give up on the track we've been headed down since October.  I stated very emphatically that in an ideal world the current track is also my preference; however, I do not think it is likely to work out given the personalities involved, and I am no longer certain I can receive a fair assessment from several key players involved.  I reiterated that I do not want to be a sacrificial lamb.  I also stated I am not willing to renew my contract as it currently stands to "try" this whole process again next year.  Without using the word grievance, I made it as clear as I could that I've been advised that I have grounds for a grievance; to avoid taking that route, I want this matter resolved as soon as possible.  The dean was positive and supportive (have I mentioned I really like this individual?  I appreciate the forthrightness, again as much as a dean can be forthright, and the pragmatism this individual demonstrates).  We ended the conversation with the dean assuring me that I would know something definite by this afternoon.  We're scheduled to meet Monday morning, so I have some time to deal with whatever that decision is and make my own decisions.

As for how I'm feeling, I've moved on from being hurt to being pissed.  I realize that much of what is going on is political and most of it has little to do with me.  I am, unfortunately, simply the person who is seeking a partner placement, something for which I am more than qualified .  I am not asking for a t-t position to be handed to me.  Quite the contrary.  I've willingly and, dare I say, happily submitted all the same materials I submitted for any other job search.  I've been preparing a talk for weeks (Archer has read the damn thing twice, and my research group has read it once).  I expect to be evaluated, but I also expect that I'll be given a fair chance.  I have been working under the assumption that once everyone saw my C.V., job letter, writing sample, letters of recommendation, and teaching philosophy they would see what I bring to the table.  I then assumed hearing my job talk would help them see that I do something that is worthwhile, something that no one else at CU does.  I have not been naive, but I have assumed that people would be fair.  That's where I was wrong. 

I'll know something by 1:00 today.  And at this point, I have no idea what I want the outcome to be.

The short of it

At some point, I'll likely write a post that details "the long of it," but for now, I'll keep it short.

• I first want to say that I am angry, frustrated, and hurt.  I can't explain specifically why yet, primarily because I have a series of meetings today that will begin to resolve the issue.  The success of these meetings depends, at least to some degree, in me keeping it together.  Given that I'm already dealing with hormones and that Disney's "Chimpanzee," which Archer and I took the boys to see this weekend, reduced me to tears for 20 minutes, I need to keep a tight reign on my emotions.
• I also want to say that I am not naive.  I know how academia works.  I never believed any of the "promises" that were made to me.  In fact, the one person whom I've come to trust completely in this matter is the only person who never made me any promises.  I knew from the moment I signed my contract last year that all of this could fall apart.  
• The drama continues with the conversion of my appointment.
• I have had few expectations going into this whole process.  In fact, I started this academic year assuming the all-but promised conversion wouldn't take place.
• I became more confident after multiple meetings with both department heads and the dean, each of whom assured me this would, in fact, happen.  The dean even said as much to Archer in front of Archer's department head--at least twice.  I was also advised, in good faith, that I did not need to go on the job market this year.  I did not follow that advice, but still, that is the advice I was given.
• Since the talk of the conversion began (in October), other things have taken place which have made the conversion complicated.  None of these things have anything to do with me personally; however, I am now at the center of these complications.
• One of the departments, which is notoriously competitive, has multiple faculty members who think more of themselves and the department than perhaps they should.  They are also vocally opposed to the idea of any sort of non-competitive hire.  I've been reminded repeatedly that this has nothing to do with me and everything to do with the "process."
• I got some news yesterday that I was expected, but that was, nonetheless, upsetting.  The conversion will likely move forward, but not in the capacity that had been discussed for the past several months.  I am now left with major decisions, as in career changing decisions.  The decisions I have to make in the next few days (I could push it to weeks, but I'm 28 weeks pregnant.  I need this resolved, for my own sanity and health.) could potentially change the direction of my career for at least the next 5-7 years, if not permanently.
• I will be meeting with the parties involved in the next few days to get their input, but frankly, I want some answers.  I feel betrayed by one person in particular (again, the reasons are really complicated), and I want some kind of explanation.  After all the assurances over the past several months, I think this person, who has been all but avoiding me, owes me the courtesy of answering a few questions.

Job search

It is now Christmas Eve, and I've finally broken down and looked at the job wiki, something I avoid at all costs.  It seems I will not be going to MLA this year as none of the schools I applied to contacted me for an interview.  You know what, for the first time I really don't care.  I put out around 26 applications, as I only applied to jobs I felt I was a good for.  Add this the fact that I only sent out applications at the advice of Dr. Writing and the new Dr. English as they felt doing so would ensure my current positions becomes tenure track.  To say that my job search was half-hearted is simply being honest.  Yes, I tailored every single letter to the department it was going to, and yes, I did some research on each school.  But my heart wasn't in it.  It seems in the last year I've become invested in staying at CU and in CU Land.  So while I would have liked to see all my friends who will be attending MLA, I'm okay with not going this year.

New faculty orientation

Yesterday I attended new faculty orientation, which was sort of weird as, well, I've been teaching at CU for three years now.  I enjoyed it though as I got to meet several really cool people, one of whom I think may become a good friend.  I also had the opportunity to get some really excellent research/writing advice.  As of this morning, I have blocked out 6 hours during the work week for my research/writing.  I will not allow myself to schedule meetings of any sort during that time.  I have no idea why I didn't think of that before.

Confusion in CU

Let me begin with a few facts about me.

First, I am a rule follower.  I do everything by the books, even if it is a rule I disagree with.  For example, I pack Wild Man's snack for JK following the list of approved food items sent home by the school.  I do not send candy, I do not send chips, I do not send cookies.  He does get a juice box (with 100% organic juice), but only because I know he drinks it all (the school actually prefers parents don't send juice boxes as many of the kids don't finish them and the juice gets wasted).  That may be an important fact to know about me.

Second, and building upon the previous fact, I do what I'm supposed to do.  For example, if there is a department meeting, I go unless I have a damn good reason not to.  In fact, I am one of the few part-time faculty members in my department who attends all the faculty meetings.  Now that I am on the verge of becoming a fully-fledged full-time faculty member, I have made it a point to go to all the meetings this Spring.  Let me add two things.  There have a been a lot of long meetings (as in 2+ hours).  My part-time contract ended on April 30th, and my full-time contract doesn't begin until July 1st.  Technically speaking, I'm not employed, and therefore, I do not have to attend these meetings.  But I do because I want to know what's going on and I want to make a good impression.

These meetings have been about various things, but the ones that have been of most interest to me are the meetings focused on the department's hiring needs.  The department has been granted an open line for next year.  This means that the department is guaranteed this line; we do not have to make a case for what field we want to hire in.  We can hire in whatever field we want, and the powers that be cannot say, "Well, um, you have 17 faculty members who teach underwater basket weaving.  You don't really need another."  As a result of this line, there has been much debate as to how it should be used.  There were many people who thought we should use it to hire in the area that we were least likely to get approved for in the future, and there were others who argued we should just fulfill the biggest need, regardless of what might happen in the future.  To make a long story short, at the last 2+ hour meeting it was determined that the department would be hiring in one of three areas.  Everyone decided we needed to have another meeting in which various people would argue for the three areas, and then we would vote.  This meeting happened on Tuesday, and due to a mix-up at Wild Man's school*, I couldn't be at the meeting.  And I really wanted to be at this meeting.  Not only did I feel a responsibility to be at this meeting, and in fact, I felt a bit delinquent not attending the meeting.  I likely wouldn't have said much, but still, I really, really wanted to be at this meeting.

Why did I want to be at this meeting so badly, you ask?  Well, one of the three areas targeted was my area.  As in the job description could have been written with my CV in mind.  Why is that a problem, you ask?  Well, it is and it isn't.

Here is why it isn't.  I'm joint appointed in this department and another.  I was joint-appointed for two reasons.  First, it was the only way I was going to get the full-time job this year, and second, I can teach in an area in my second department that no one else can--an area that has a lot of interest at CU (I taught a special topics class in this area in the fall, and the class filled up in 4 hours).  Thus, having another person on faculty who does what I do would be a great advantage, especially as I will only be teaching 2 courses a year in this department.

Here is why it is.  My contract is a one-year contract.  I've been told that it will convert to tenure track, but I have not been promised this.  Legally, I can't be promised this because if something changes with the budget and they can't offer me the t-t position, I could sue.  Thus, there is a small chance that my position won't convert, and I will have to go back to applying for part-time work at CU.  This is unlikely, but this fact is in the back of my mind all the time.** If the department decides to hire in my area, there has been some question as to whether or not I should apply for the position.  If I were to apply, I'd be taken through the search like any other candidate, and I'm not sure I'd even make it past the letter/CV stage.  CU is, after all, an R1, and while I have an excellent teaching record and conference record, I only have un-peer reviewed publications.  I am currently working on this, and I will have several things under review by the end of July.  With any luck, I'll have at least one, if not more, publications going into the fall.  But the reality is, I'll be up against individuals with Ivy League educations who have less teaching experience but many more publications.  Everyone on faculty may love me, but it seems unlikely that I'd measure up against such an applicant pool.  Thus, I was hoping that the faculty would go with one of the other two fields at Tuesday's meeting.

Guess which field they went with?  Yep, you got it.  The department will be running a search for someone who does almost exactly what I do.  What does this mean for me?  I'm not sure, and I asked Dr. English that question point blank.  He doesn't know either.  He has discussed this with the dean as well as the incoming chair (yes, Dr. English, who has been so wonderful and so helpful to me, is stepping down as department chair).  They are not sure either.  He advised that I wait until the new chair takes over and meet with him.  I'm not inclined to wait.  I'm just not.  I mean, we're selling our townhouse and looking at houses in CU Land.  We want to put down permanent roots.  We want to stay here.  So what do I do?  I'm going to make an appointment with Dr. Writing to get her input, and then I will do as Dr. English suggested and meet with the new chair.  In the meantime, I'm revising one essay and starting a new one.

But I have to say, even though I know I was never given any guarantees and I know that me being between two departments limits what I can do for both departments, I'm upset.  I'm upset because I feel like my expertise has been overlooked.  I'm upset because I wanted some sense of security.  I don't like feeling as though I'm starting this contract in a defensive position (even though I know that I always was, at least to some degree).  I really just wanted to be able to focus on my research and writing for a while without having to worry so much about whether or not I'd have a job next year.

*Wild Man's class had a field trip scheduled for Tuesday, and on Monday afternoon, one of the parents who had volunteered to go had to back out.  As I'm the only other parent in the class who has had a background check with the police (which is mandatory in Canada for anyone doing any kind of work with children), the teacher asked me to go.  As much as I wanted to go to this meeting, I said yes so that the field trip wouldn't get canceled.

**Historically, CU has rarely made plans to convert a position like mine to a t-t line without following through.  

Faculty meeting

I'm going to my first faculty meeting since signing my contract.  Technically I haven't started the term appointment yet, as it doesn't begin until July 1st.  But even as a "part-time" lecturer, I make an effort to attend faculty meetings.  I'm a bit nervous about this one though.  I'm not sure if Dr. English will be announcing my appointment to the entire faculty today or at the end of the year meeting scheduled for later this month.  I also have a Writing faculty meeting next week, and I'm really nervous about that one.  I know Dr. Writing will be announcing my appointment then, and because of the nature of the department, I'm feeling a lot of survivor's guilt, which I'll write more about later.  For now, I've got to read some stuff before the meeting.

In my hot little hands. . .

I have a contract from CU.  It feels pretty damn good to finally get it in writing.

More meetings

Friday I met with Dr. Writing and Dr. English to discuss how I would work between two departments.  Tomorrow I meet with the dean to ask some questions about my contract (which I have yet to receive).  These meetings are equal parts exciting and unnerving. 

Thanks Mom and Dad

With a great deal of apprehension, I called my parents late last week and told them about the good news we received from CU.  My parents don't really get the world of academia, and they struggle with us being so far away, my mom especially.  So I didn't tell them right away because I wanted some time with the news before they (potentially) said something that upset me.

I am happy to report that I was pleasantly surprised.  My dad was enthusiastic and congratulatory, but as usual, he passed the phone to my mom very quickly.  She was really, really excited, even tearing up a little bit when she told me how happy she is for us and how proud she is of me.  She asked a lot of questions about teaching load, TAs, grad classes, and office space--stuff I had no idea she really knew about.  I mean, I've told her about all of these things, and she has been here for 2 weeks during the fall for the last 2 years.  I think those visits gave her some understanding of how time consuming the job search has been, how my time to focus on my own projects is limited by all the prep and grading I do, and how much I want my own office.  She did ask if I'll be making more money, and when I said yes, she asked, "Does that mean you'll be able to come for visits more often?"  To which I also said yes.  I know that is important to her, but I really appreciated that she waited until after she asked all the other questions to ask this particular question.  I ended the conversation really happy that I told them rather than wait.

Archer also shared the news with Yetta and Pita.  I will say that they offered me congratulations.  Yetta's only questions, however, focused on whether Archer and I will continue to go on the job market every year to get positions closer to Home State.  Oh well, at least my parents were happy for us.

Progress for me at CU

As I've written (or at least as I think I've written), Archer and I have met with the Faculty Retention Officer of CU (I'll call her J), and she's become a great advocate for us in terms of trying to negotiate a more permanent position for me at CU.  I think it helps that we know each other outside of the university (Wild Man goes to JK and daycare with her daughter, and Bear and her son were in the same daycare room all last winter) and that we like each other personally (we've been to lunch twice, once professionally and again just because we like each other).  I ran into J picking Wild Man up from JK the other day, and she said something along the lines of, "I've passed your info onto the Provost, and he has already spoken to Dr. English and Dr. Writing.  Next week he has a meeting to discuss this with the dean of your faculty. I don't know what will happen, but I wanted you to know that you haven't been forgotten."  So this seems like good news, right?  But, as usual, I took it with a grain of salt.  I told Archer, but at this point, neither of us is putting much stock in anything.

Monday morning Dr. Nice Guy (in case you're losing track of all my pseudonyms, Dr. Nice Guy is the former chair of Archer's department) stopped Archer and said, "What has J told you?"  Archer said, "Well, she's really talked to M, so you should ask her."  Dr. Nice Guy found me later that day and asked me what I knew.  I relayed the info that J had passed on, and I also told him that I know that "Dr. Writing and Dr. English have been talking about me.  They have both written letters for my job letters, and both have explicitly told me they will do what they can to keep me at CU.  Beyond that, I don't know much."  He then said, "Well I got a phone call from the dean this weekend asking my opinion, and I told them how wonderful you are.  I don't really know what's happening beyond general conversation, but I wanted you to know that the dean is finally paying attention.  I think that's progress."

I guess it is, right?   

I need to . . .

work on my attitude. I really, really do.

C just called me to tell me that he has been invited to give a lecture at an Ivy League school by a big wig in his profession. My reaction was less than supportive. Actually, that is an understatement. I had to try really hard not to cry. Because this is my blog and because I think the people who read my blog and know me generally know that I love my husband and that I think he is super-smart and that he works really, really hard, I'm not going to go write several paragraphs about how wonderful I think C is. Instead I'm going to write what I feel.

I'm jealous of C. I'm super, crazy, insanely jealous of my husband, and I feel incredibly guilty for that. But the reality of my life is this: I want a t-t job. I want my own office. I want professional stability. I want to buy books and to go to conferences without worrying about how I'm going to pay for it. I want to be involved in a professional conversation about my field. I don't want to have to explain when someone wrote something or to discuss historical context or to correct someone's misperceptions about my field. I want to talk about my work with someone who is in my field. I want to go to a department meeting (I went to 2 last week, incidentally) and feel like I belong. I don't want to have to constantly introduce myself and I don't want to have to remind people that I teach at CU because my husband is a t-t prof while I am not. I want to feel validated professionally. I want to be able to stop selling myself. I actually want to worry about how I'm going to make tenure rather than if I'm ever going to have a t-t position.

And most of all, I want to be able to feel happy for C without thinking about myself.

Summer Courses, Summer Pay

I am teaching during what CU calls Summer Intersession. From May 10th till June 18th I will be teaching 2 full year courses. That means I have about 6 weeks (or approximately 25 classes as we will meet 4 days a week) to present material that I would normally have 28 weeks (or approximately 56 classes as these classes meet twice a week) to present. One of the classes in an American lit class which I have taught before elsewhere, so I'm not too stressed out about it. The other is an Intro to Women's Studies course which I've never taught and I am a somewhat nervous about (I've been reminded repeatedly that this is the course that convinces a lot of students to become Women's Studies majors; thus, I feel like I'm being tested a bit.). The Winter term ended last week, and although I have a lot of grading to do in the next week or so, I now have about 5 weeks to focus on getting the courses together.

I've been thinking for sometime, however, that I'm going to be doing a lot of work in the next 12 weeks or so for not a whole lot of money. I say that knowing full well what I'm paid as a "part-time" instructor is much more than most, if not all, of my friends working as "part-time" instructors in the states. So I was more than a bit surprised to open my contract today to learn that I get paid for the course, not for the term. The pay for a full-year (two semesters) course is twice the pay for a half-year (one semester) course, but being an American and being accustomed to the way things are done at American universities, I assumed my pay was and is based on the semester rather than the course. Thus, I assumed I was paid for the number of courses I teach in a given term, regardless whether I'm teaching what are deemed full-year or half-year courses. With the summer courses, I assumed I would only be paid for one term since I'm technically only teaching for one term,even though the courses are actually full-year courses. Well, in fact, it turns out that CU pays based on the course, not the term. This means that for the months of May and June I will receive the same amount I was paid for teaching my full-year English course from September 1 to April 30. When I realized this, I literally almost fell on the floor. I immediately called C, and he actually spit out the coffee he was drinking. The summer just got a little brighter for us, at least economically.

Job, blah, blah, blah

Last week I had a meeting with Dr. Feminist to discuss my future in the department. I updated her on the current situation, including the fact that Dr. Nice Guy has had several conversations with the Dean. I made this appointment at Dr. Nice Guy's suggestion. He was concerned that if he was the only person speaking with the Dean about our situation that we didn't have a very strong case. So I asked the hard question: "Have you spoken to the dean about a more permanent position?" I really hated asking this question, but I have to say, I was a bit floored by her response, which was, essentially, "No, I haven't because I didn't realize you wanted a more permanent position." Now I feel like I've been really up front with Dr. Feminist--I've told her we were hoping for a partner placement, that I'd be happy to keep working in her department, that I'd be happy with a visiting position, that I'd take a joint appointment in Women's Studies and another department (I currently teach in three departments), and that I'm on the market. I now realize that I never specifically asked her if she'd speak to the dean, but given that Women's Studies is seriously short handed (only 2 full-time profs and 5 joint appointed profs and about 600 majors as well as a brand new MA and a Ph.D. program), I didn't realize I had to. Sigh. I feel a bit stupid and a bit annoyed.

So she happily agreed to speak with the dean. We'll see what happens.

Dr. English

Yesterday I received a very surprising email from Dr. English, the head of CU's English department. I first want to say that Dr. English rates right up there with Dr. Nice Guy, who, if you recall, is the head of C's department. Here is some background.

Last December, I emailed Dr. English to set up a meeting. I did this for several reasons. I knew the teaching opportunities in Women's Studies were going to be reduced and that CU was going to be cutting the number of part-time instructors it hired. I also wanted to meet Dr. English because I eventually hope to get a partner placement in his department. He graciously agreed to meet with me, and we had a lovely meeting. In fact, he seemed really interested in my research--even more so than in what I might teach for his department. We chatted for about 40 minutes, and he promised to contact me when the part-time jobs for his department were posted. He kept his word, and I am currently teaching a full-year course in English. Dr. English has also emailed me throughout the summer to congratulate me on defending, on graduating, and to discuss various other things. He is a really nice guy.

Yesterday I received another really nice email from him. He asked me if I had any opportunity to meet many others in the English department. He then listed the other Americanists in the department and asked if he could help facilitate any meetings with them. I immediately emailed back my appreciation and expressed interest in meeting all of them, specifically on professor who is organizing a conference that I am presenting at in November. I also took the opportunity to ask if I could list him as a reference on my CV as I'm going on the market this year in search of a tenure-track job (hey, I didn't think it would hurt to remind him that a t-t job is the ultimate goal). He graciously agreed and told me he'd email the professor I'd mentioned to see if he could set up a lunch for the three of us. What a really, really nice guy!

Reading lists

I've been working on my reading list for the lit course I'm teaching this fall. It is a special topics course on Women's Lit. Since I fairly short notice for this course, I designed around the themes in my dissertation. Unfortunately the reading list for the course is much, much longer. You see, Canadian universities run courses for the entire year, and this is one such course. I'm here to tell you trying to figure out reading assignments 6 months in advance is weird--and tricky.