Job frustration

My friends who know me well know that I don't always deal with change very well. I am, by nature, a creature of routine. I like to know when things are going to happen so that I can plan. Of course, the fact that I've chosen to pursue a career in academia means that there is often a lot of uncertainty in my life.

As I wrote last week, the job situation is not good at CU, at least not for me. I met with Dr. Feminist last week, and she has been able to earmark one course for me next year, in the spring. She can't guarantee anything for the fall because of budget limitations. She told me that she was able to give me two courses this year because the Dean had "found" the money, which I knew. But this year's assignments didn't come with any guarantee that the Dean would "find" money again, which I didn't know. Let me clarify: I knew that I primarily got hired because of C, and frankly, I was (and am) ok with that. But I knew that I would only continue teaching at CU because of me; C may have gotten me in the door, but I am the one who has to keep me hear and, ultimately, turn the job into a tenure-track line. The Dean (who is, of course, no longer the Dean) did, however, lead us to believe that there would be a few years of part-time funding for me since she realized that me teaching here was a retention issue for C. It seems that this wasn't the case. The money was guaranteed only for this year, and now if Women's Studies wants to keep hiring me to teach part-time, they have to lobby the new Dean for money. Well, since I've been hired, the economy has gone to crap, and CU is at the end of a budget cycle. Deans and department heads across the board are starting to be conservative with their spending as they have no guarantees from the Canadian government what sort of funding they will get for the next 3-year budget cycle.

So what does this mean for us? Dr. Nice Guy, C's department head, was told point blank by the new Dean that she couldn't come up with any money for me, either for a term-appointment or a tenure-track line, unless C was in a position to leave. Meaning either one or both of us has to get a job at a comparable school and use that as leverage to get me a tenure-track job in either Women's Studies or English. I know all you academics are thinking: not so unusual. Well, this is actually a bit unusual for CU, which has a history of partner placement. In fact, both Dr. Nice Guy and the previous Dean had told C on multiple occasions (before he accepted the job) that I probably wouldn't have to have a job offer to secure a tenure track line at CU. He was told over and over again that they value their employees, have strong retention policies, and have high rates of partner placement. While I never really believed this (it seemed too good to be true), it did provide us both with a modicum of comfort. Now it seems that we will have to do things the old-fashioned way.

So why is this a source of so much frustration, since I knew inherently all along that this is the route we'd have to go? For two reasons. First, I'm now in the position of not having a teaching position for the fall. I am, of course, already looking. I'm being pro-active, which isn't always something I'm great at. I've already contacted the head of the English Department (the whole reason I didn't get courses there this year was because they had already hired all their part-time people by the time C was offered the job), and he has seemed very receptive. I have a meeting with him next week. Second, C loves his job. As nervous as he was about taking a position at an R1, he loves it, as I knew he would. He's already been asked to present at his field's major conference next spring, submitted an internal grant for research money, and proposed a major curiculum change for his department. On top of that, he has been solicited by a publisher to turn his dissertation into a book, and he actually has time to work on a book prospectus. He has also started working on an article. Because he was teaching a 4-4 load and commuting an hour each way, he didn't have time to do these things when he was lecturing at the small liberal arts college near Southwest College Town, a job that was slowly sucking the life out of him. In short, my husband is flourishing here. I don't want to be the reason he has to leave CU. I honestly don't see myself getting a job at a comparable school the first year on the market, which will be next year. And given the nature of my field and the economy, I am fully aware it will likely take me two years (if not more) to even get an offer. All of which means, I will be facing some job uncertainty for a while. It's times like these when I ask myself: M, why didn't you go to nursing school?

Warning: Pity Party Ahead

Well, it is Thursday again, and I'm feeling blah. I honestly don't know what other word to use. That's not true either. I'm feeling tired, frustrated, uninspired, annoyed, lonely, and a whole host of other things. So I'm issuing a fair warning; you're entering the throws of a pity party in which I attempt to be rational.

First, let me say this: I am seriously displeased with my reaction to this move and how my reaction is making my husband feel. I have been (and often continue to be) incredibly selfish. Before we left Southwest College Town I was so focused on my dissertation and on my feelings about the move that I honestly forgot to say "C, how are you doing? I know this is a huge life change for you. What can I do to make it better for you?" And considering all the things he did to make the move easier on me, I feel really terrible about that. We've talked about that a lot, and I've apologized a lot. He seems to understand, but I don't think he's forgiven me. Every time I get upset or I complain about something he says, "I'm sorry you feel that way. I wish I could fix it since it is my fault." He truly thinks I blame him for everything I'm feeling right now, and no matter how much I tell him I'm not upset with him in anyway at all, he doesn't believe me. So I'm seriously working on being a better wife.

Second, for all my whirlwind of emotions, I really, really like CU Land. This is a wonderful city--aside from the very annoying traffic that is largely the cause of poor city planning. There are lots of beautiful parks, 3 great farmer's markets (1 of which is open all year round), and lots of family oriented activities. We've taken Wild Man somewhere different every Saturday to do something he's never done before. And this weekend is no exception: at his request, we're planning to take him on a ride on one of the city buses (yes, I know this seems odd, but every time we go out we see about 50 buses. Wild Man declares "Big bus, Mommy! My turn to ride!" Apparently on the way to school this morning, he told C "Daddy, me ride big bus!"). We're also investigating the possibility of taking him horseback riding since he's recently become obsessed with horses. Where CU Land is lacking, for me, is the opportunity to meet new people. Unlike with our move to Southwest College Town, where I had a core group of good friends within 2 months of arriving there, I already know it will be difficult for me to meet people here. I have met one cool person, but she commutes 3 hours and is only in CU Land 3 days a week. C, on the other hand, has met lots of people in his department and even went out for beers with a few last weekend. Most of the people in his department, however, don't have kids, so although I was included in the invitation, they didn't think to issue the invitation early enough in the week for us to get a babysitter. My solution to this is to be more proactive and to get out of my shell a bit more. Mrs. Nice Guy takes yoga classes every Monday evening, so I'm going to call her this weekend to get the info on that. I'm also going to make more of an effort to get to know Blue & Brown-Eyed Girls' Mom, with whom I've had lots of nice chats with when I run into her when we're both corralling our toddlers outside. I know this part of life will get better too, but it will take effort on my part. Frankly I miss being able to pick up the phone and say "Hey, Supadiscomama, Harrogate, P-duck, L, Sarah, Ms. Reads, and/or any of my other friends in Southwest College Town do you want to go do anything?"

Third, I'm feeling a bit marginalized in my department. Nothing has gone right in terms of me getting set up there. I don't feel like anything has been explained to me in terms of office policy, and therefore, I keep asking the wrong person questions--and namely the wrong person is the lead admin assistant, who frankly, is a bit off-putting and not remotely helpful. For example, I asked this person, who is also new to the department, about passwords and keys. She tersely emailed me back telling me she didn't know that information and told me who to ask. I clearly offended her by asking that questions, but then, I had no idea she wouldn't know the answer. I'm learning some things are cultural--like not returning emails or phone calls right away. In the States, when I make a phone call or send an email, I generally get a response right away, even if the response is only "I received your call/email. I'll get back to you as soon as I can." Here, people don't get back to you until they are able to answer your question, which means I often don't get responses for a week, which I find really annoying. I understand it might take awhile to answer my question, but could you at least let me know that you've received the question?

Fourth, Wild Man is not sleeping well. Rather he's waking up between 3 & 4 times a night and needing help going back to sleep, which means I'm not sleeping well as he wants nothing to do with C in the middle of the night. This has made it virtually impossible to get us all on a morning schedule as I find myself need an extra hour of sleep in the morning to even make it through the day. Every night I set my alarm for 6:30 and tell myself this will be the morning I get up and get dressed and ready before I wake Wild Man and C up at 7:00. And every night as I crawl back into bed at 3:30 (or whatever time) I turn the alarm off because I know I'll be too exhausted to wake up at 6:30. So this morning we all slept until 7:30, and when I finally woke up, I then had to prod C awake (which irritates me to no end!). I then had to rush us all through breakfast and our other morning routines to ensure that Wild Man and C were ready to leave at 8:30 to avoid most of the morning traffic to get Wild Man to school before 9 so he wouldn't miss morning snack (I've decided to work from home on Thursdays). I like the mornings to be calm and quiet. I don't enjoy feeling like a drill sergeant. I also don't enjoy going through the day half-asleep. I feel like I have a newborn again. C and I have talked about this too, and other than letting Wild Man cry it out, neither of us is sure how to get him back to sleeping through the night.

Fifth, none of this is making me want to work on my dissertation, which is the most annoying thing I am experiencing right now. I'm so flipping close to finishing this Phelps chapter, and frankly I need to move on if I'm going to meet my other deadlines and defend on time.

So that's where I am and how I'm feeling right now. Tomorrow will be better I know. Heck, if I can get something done today, today will be better. Ok, I'm going to refill my coffee cup and get to work.

Another Disappointment for C

The unexpected job I wrote about has been cancelled (but it will be relisted in the fall), and C is understandably disappointed. I feel like my wonderful husband can't catch a break lately. As ambivalent as I was about this potential move, I really wanted him to get the job because, frankly, he has had an unbelievably tough year. On top of all of his dad's death, the job and dissertation stress, he also feels guilty about how little work I've been able to get done this year because I've taken over almost all of the household responsibilities and S's care so he can get this dissertation finished. I don't want him to feel guilty. I want him to understand that this is what a spouse does. I know he will return the favor when I am in the final stage of my dissertation. He told me the other night that he feels like he has to pay me back, and I told him that is ridiculous. I do wish he has had more time to spend with us recently, but I don't feel like he has missed out on any important events. I know this is a means to an end, and frankly, I get a lot more support from my stressed out husband than a lot of wives. It kills me that he doesn't realize what a great husband and father he is. I'm left feeling partially responsible as I was so ambivalent about the job.

On a more positive note, C has scheduled his dissertation defense. As of July 18, he will officially be Dr. C, and we are so excited about that.