I want to begin this post by saying that I feel really thankful for my friends, both virtual and actual. I have received so much support from them in the past year. I literally could not have made it through moving to CU Land, working so long and so hard on my dissertation, carrying Z, and living life in general with out them. So I want them to know (and I think you know who you are!) that what follows is not at all about them.
The end of my week seemed to have a theme: people I really care about all managed to annoy me. I should add that the particular people who annoyed me have annoyed me in these precise ways in the past, so I know it will happen again. Usually I can shake these sorts of things off fairly easily, but this week I am having a hard time getting past it. I'm hoping that by writing about it, I'll feel better.
Annoyance #1
*Edited b/c, for some reason, I'm not comfortable with making this annoyance so public.
Annoyance #2 and #3
I'm annoyed with my mom and sister for the exact same reason, so I figured I'd put them together.
First, I totally get that neither my mom nor my sister understands what it means to get a Ph.D. They just don't. They try, but it is just outside their realm of experience. I've accepted that this means that they will never be as excited about my accomplishments as I am, and 95% of the time, I'm ok with that. This week, however, was a really big week for me. I finally got the go ahead to schedule my defense. My adviser is confident enough in what I've already finished that she thinks what I'm still working on will match it. This means the six year journey I've been on is rapidly coming to an end. This also means that my decision to have kids while working on my dissertation did not affect my work. In fact, my adviser recently told me how much my writing has improved in the last year, which she attributed to how focused I've had to become since having Wild Man.
When I called my mom to tell her this, I didn't expect a huge reaction, but I did expect at least a congratulations, M! I'm really proud of you. Instead she said this: "Well, are you sure you should be traveling then? That's only about 6 weeks before your due. Really, M, I don't understand your priorities. Can't the defense wait another semester?" HELLO! No, it can't wait another semester. It has to happen now. I have to go on the job market in the fall. C and I want to solidify our positions (or at least try to) at CU, and none of that can happen if I'm ABD. I just can't. And, frankly, we can't afford to pay my fees for another semester, especially not with a second baby on the way. I was so upset by her response that I truly didn't know what to say. I just said, "I've cleared it with my midwife; she thinks I'll be fine to travel. It is, of course, a risk, but it is a risk I'm willing to take." I then changed the subject.
When I told my sister, through email, she didn't even acknowledge it. Instead she sent me a long email about how she hates her job and how she thinks she's inherited all of our mother's mental issues (our mom is bipolar). What bothers me most about this is that my sister is on Facebook, so she knew when I'd scheduled the defense even before I told her. Given FB's crazy new interface, she also saw all my friends congratulate me. Still, she said nothing.
To give credit where credit is due, my dad told me he is very proud of me and that he wants a bound copy of my dissertation to put next to his copy of C's. In fact, he said, "I really like having a bound copy of C's, but I will be taking yours to work and telling everyone: Look, my daughter wrote this." The funny thing is, my dad will actually read my dissertation and will talk to me about it. He read C's, and they had a long conversation about it. My dad may not always be the physical presence that I need, but he doesn't hesitate to tell me when he's proud of me. C's mom even offered some sincere congratulations, telling me it will be nice to have a doctor for a daughter-in-law. I just wish my mom and sister had stepped up.
3 comments:
My mom didn't get it either, none of it. And for whatever reason she was also reluctant to express pride of any sort ("Jennie wants to play school instead of growing up and getting a real job"). Once I got a prestigious fellowship and her response was, "Oh, that will probably look good on your resume." And when the university decided to reduce the dollar amount of the fellowship by $16,000 because we had savings for a house in the bank (if we had already purchased the house I could have gotten the full amount), I was very upset. My mom's response was, "Jennie, some people have real problems. Stop feeling sorry for yourself." The kicker was when my grandmother had cancer. Several months into the diagnosis, after I had already been to visit with her, I told my mom that my comprehensive exams were the following week and if anything happened that I didn't need to know about right away, please hold off on letting me know. So the night before my first exam my mom called to tell me that my grandmother was going to die. She died the next YEAR, by the way. I don't know why it is so difficult, but some people will just never get it. Try not to let it get you down. Plenty of people understand what you have accomplished.
Thanks, Jennie. I know that many people in grad school face this sort of thing. And, about 90% of the time, I can deal with my mom's ignorance about graduate school and academic life. These comments just really bothered me because I felt like she was implying that I a put my academic career ahead of my kids.
And, for what it's worth, it sounds like your mom and my mom belong to the same club. . .
Oh dear, I'm so sorry. And here again I'm just so so lucky. Both my parents have master's degrees (my dad has two) and I still remember the time when my mom spend over a month finishing her thesis and then her defense. It must be terribly hard not to have them understand your accomplishment!
Post a Comment