Venting

As I posted a few weeks ago, Yetta and I have been getting along very well.  She has, however, made a few comments in the last few days that I'm trying hard not to let bother me.  To that end, I'm writing a post to get out my frustration rather than let it eat away at me.

• She called last night while Archer was taking Wild Man to soccer practice.  She called at 6:00, which she knows is dinner time at our house, and she wanted to have a lengthy conversation about the boys' school pictures.  Yes, that's right, she was calling to passive/aggressively remind me to send her copies of the boys' school pictures.  And I do mean passive/aggressively.
• While we were talking, she also asked if it is okay if she and Pita visit together during August.  Archer and I had thought that Yetta was coming alone and that Pita was coming sometime in the fall.  She assured me their visit will only overlap by 3 or 4 days; she told Archer 2 or 3 days.  I do not think I will be in the frame of mind to have them both in the house when the baby is only a few weeks old, but how can I say, "Um, no!"?  I've asked Archer to handle this as tactfully as possible.
• She also asked if we're planning to travel to Home State for Christmas.  Seriously. 
• She called this morning to wish Bear a happy birthday, which was incredibly thoughtful.  We were, however, trying to get out of the house (she called at 8:30), so Archer and I opted not to answer it.  Rather than leave a message, she hung up and called right back--three times.  So Archer finally answered it.  She also asked if we could have another birthday party for Bear when she's here in August.  Archer was forced to remind her we aren't having a birthday party for Bear (we are having some friends over for cake on Sunday, but that's it), and he was again subject to a lecture on what terrible parents we are.

I am fully aware that I am extra sensitive to everything right now.  In fact, last night Archer said something about renovating the basement, and I was suddenly in tears for no reason I could explain.  That said, I wish my MIL had it in her to be more aware that right now is not the best time to bombard me with lots of questions.  I am a place where I'm quite likely to be rude or start crying.  I am, after all, 36 1/2 weeks pregnant.

A complaint

I really hate it when people either don't answer their phones or don't return phone calls in a timely manner. Seriously. I hate it even more when said person is my sister. Oh, and did I mention that her son has been visiting us for the past two weeks? It seems like returning a phone call to the person caring for your child might be high on your list of things to do.

It happened. . .

So Wild Man turns 3 next week, and by the nature of the travels I described in my last post, none of our extended family will be here for his birthday. Wild Man could care less, quite frankly. He asked for a birthday party with his friends, so we're having one. I guarantee he won't notice if I'm there let alone if either of his grandmother's is there. That said, my mom gets in to town for a 9 day visit a few days after Wild Man's birthday, and she has said she wants to take him shopping for a present. That's cool with me because it means I don't have to tell my mom what to get him. Wild Man can pick it out for himself. When my mom said this to me, I told C and then immediately told him not to tell him mom because I'm not up for dealing with the battle of the grandmothers. I'm just not. Well, C screwed up and mentioned this to his mom (although in his defense she did ask what my mom was getting Wild Man for his birthday). So now not only does Yetta also have to take him shopping when she comes to visit after she and C return from Spain, she is also insisting that we have another party (yes, another party, including friends, cake, and activities) for him because she doesn't want to miss "all the birthday celebrations." You know, taking him to buy him a gift is fine with me; in fact, I think it is a great thing for them to do together. I am not drawing out his birthday for 2 flipping weeks because she is jealous of the time he will be spending with my mom.

Ok, I just reread this and thought: "So, M, she wants to celebrate his birthday with him. Really, what's the big deal? Why are you so annoyed?" I'm trying to be reasonable about Yetta as I promised myself long ago that I would be, but I am tired of being reasonable. I'm annoyed because I feel like she's making Wild Man's birthday about her.

Annoyed

C and I are both a bit annoyed with Wild Man's school today. We love everything about this school (well, except maybe the tendency to serve sugary snacks in the afternoon), so for us to have a complaint is unusual. But we have one, and C was so annoyed that he emailed the director to follow-up on the conversation he had with her this morning when he dropped Wild Man off.

A bit of background: following the Canadian system, toddler rooms (which is what Wild Man is in) have children from age 18 months to 2 1/2 years. The reason for this is that most children don't start daycare until they are 12 months old (thanks to the Canadian practice of allowing caregivers to take up to 12 months maternity leave assuming they qualify). When Wild Man started, he was one of the younger kids in his class, and although this concerned us a bit, he quickly acclimated and made some good friends. Now he is one of the oldest kids. In fact, we were told a few weeks ago that he was the next child on the schedule to move up to a pre-school class. We were excited about this for Wild Man as we knew one of his good friends was going to be moving up soon; in fact, we requested that he be moved up with another of his good friends who is only 4 days younger than he is. The director said that this shouldn't be a problem, so we didn't think too much about it.

Well, last week we learned that Wild Man's best buddy, D, was moving up this week, and we knew that was going to stress him out a bit. We talked about it this weekend and he seemed ok. We reassured him that his other good friend, T, would still be with him, although she had been out on vacation last week. This morning, C dropped Wild Man off and realized that not only was D gone, but so was T. C asked Wild Man's teachers, who explained that both T and D had moved up today. C said Wild Man looked around the room for his friends and turned to C and asked, "Daddy, where are my friends?" Wild Man can (and will) play with the other children, but they are all 3 months or more younger than he is. None of them are as verbal as he is, and none of them are quite as rambunctious as he is. C said when he left, he could tell that Wild Man was stressed out. Given all the other changes that Wild Man is dealing with, C was concerned--and a bit angry. He stopped by the director's office to ask when Wild Man would be moving up. It seems they are having a hard time finding a spot for Wild Man this summer given his "part-time" schedule. So Wild Man, who turned 2 1/2 in April, isn't being moved up because he only goes 4 days a week instead of 5. That made me angry. I understand the intricacies of the schedule and all of that, but it seems like in the 5 pre-school rooms this school has, there would be one that would work with his schedule. The director told C it would be easier to find Wild Man a spot in a pre-school room if he went full-time.

Now we're discussing sending Wild Man full-time if only to ensure that he is stimulated and happy at school. I'm really, really unhappy about this, but I'm not sure what else to do.

Random Annoyances

I want to begin this post by saying that I feel really thankful for my friends, both virtual and actual. I have received so much support from them in the past year. I literally could not have made it through moving to CU Land, working so long and so hard on my dissertation, carrying Z, and living life in general with out them. So I want them to know (and I think you know who you are!) that what follows is not at all about them.

The end of my week seemed to have a theme: people I really care about all managed to annoy me. I should add that the particular people who annoyed me have annoyed me in these precise ways in the past, so I know it will happen again. Usually I can shake these sorts of things off fairly easily, but this week I am having a hard time getting past it. I'm hoping that by writing about it, I'll feel better.


Annoyance #1
*Edited b/c, for some reason, I'm not comfortable with making this annoyance so public.

Annoyance #2 and #3
I'm annoyed with my mom and sister for the exact same reason, so I figured I'd put them together.

First, I totally get that neither my mom nor my sister understands what it means to get a Ph.D. They just don't. They try, but it is just outside their realm of experience. I've accepted that this means that they will never be as excited about my accomplishments as I am, and 95% of the time, I'm ok with that. This week, however, was a really big week for me. I finally got the go ahead to schedule my defense. My adviser is confident enough in what I've already finished that she thinks what I'm still working on will match it. This means the six year journey I've been on is rapidly coming to an end. This also means that my decision to have kids while working on my dissertation did not affect my work. In fact, my adviser recently told me how much my writing has improved in the last year, which she attributed to how focused I've had to become since having Wild Man.

When I called my mom to tell her this, I didn't expect a huge reaction, but I did expect at least a congratulations, M! I'm really proud of you. Instead she said this: "Well, are you sure you should be traveling then? That's only about 6 weeks before your due. Really, M, I don't understand your priorities. Can't the defense wait another semester?" HELLO! No, it can't wait another semester. It has to happen now. I have to go on the job market in the fall. C and I want to solidify our positions (or at least try to) at CU, and none of that can happen if I'm ABD. I just can't. And, frankly, we can't afford to pay my fees for another semester, especially not with a second baby on the way. I was so upset by her response that I truly didn't know what to say. I just said, "I've cleared it with my midwife; she thinks I'll be fine to travel. It is, of course, a risk, but it is a risk I'm willing to take." I then changed the subject.

When I told my sister, through email, she didn't even acknowledge it. Instead she sent me a long email about how she hates her job and how she thinks she's inherited all of our mother's mental issues (our mom is bipolar). What bothers me most about this is that my sister is on Facebook, so she knew when I'd scheduled the defense even before I told her. Given FB's crazy new interface, she also saw all my friends congratulate me. Still, she said nothing.

To give credit where credit is due, my dad told me he is very proud of me and that he wants a bound copy of my dissertation to put next to his copy of C's. In fact, he said, "I really like having a bound copy of C's, but I will be taking yours to work and telling everyone: Look, my daughter wrote this." The funny thing is, my dad will actually read my dissertation and will talk to me about it. He read C's, and they had a long conversation about it. My dad may not always be the physical presence that I need, but he doesn't hesitate to tell me when he's proud of me. C's mom even offered some sincere congratulations, telling me it will be nice to have a doctor for a daughter-in-law. I just wish my mom and sister had stepped up.

I'm trying really hard . . .

not to be annoyed with either C or his mom right now, I really am. This visit has gone well, aside from the requisite passive-aggressive comments, and I don't want to be the one who ends it on a bad note. That said, I would like to strangle my husband, something that I don't often want to do. Why do you ask? For once, I'd like him to stand up to his mother and say no.

Before Yetta even arrived we had planned to take Friday off, take Wild Man out of school, and drive down to Mid-west City for the day. Our primary motivation is doing this is that Yetta's flies out of MW City on Saturday morning at 9:00 am, necessitating that we either stay overnight in MW City or she and C get up at 4 in the morning to leave. She offered to pay for a hotel room, so we decided to stay overnight. When this was originally planned we decided we'd either go to the Science Center or the zoo in MW City, both things Wild Man will enjoy. Since Yetta has been here, however, she has mentioned (rather passively-aggressively) that she'd like to explore some of the towns on the border. Here is how she does this: "Those little towns look so quaint. I wonder what they are like. Do you know?" or "I'd really like to see some of the area. But I don't guess it would be much fun for Wild Man to just drive around, now would it?" At which point, I am supposed to say, "Sure, we'll just strap him into the car for 10 hours while we wander all over and you can tell us when you want to stop. Then when you want to get out and look at antique shops I'll stay in the car with him so he doesn't destroy the store. We are here to serve you, Yetta." But I haven't; in fact, I haven't said a damn thing. If she wants to be passive-aggressive, I figure I will be to. I've just smiled and ignored her.

Last night as C and I were getting Wild Man ready for bed, I asked him if we had a definite plan for Friday. He said, "Well, I think Mom wants to drive around some of the border towns for a while before we head into MW City for the night. I guess that is what we'll do." I wanted to strangle him. I said "I thought we'd talked about the zoo or the Science Center, since those are things Wild Man will like. I don't want to strap him into the car all day long, C." He responded "I know, M, but Mom really can't walk that far, and if we go to those places, we'll end up chasing Wild Man while she sits on a bench somewhere. I want to spend some time with her before she leaves." And I said, "Fine, then we'll just stay in CU Land for most of the day. You can take me to the library so I can work, and we can take Wild Man to school. We can leave for MW City around 3:30, have a nice dinner, and hang out in the hotel room for the evening. That gives you and your mom all day to hang out and do whatever you'd like." He said nothing, but his body language made it clear that this wasn't want either he or his mom had in mind. Am I being a bit unreasonable? Sure. Wild Man would survive a day in the car, although he'd be really cranky by the end of it.

But here's the thing that gets me so irritated: I feel like C never tells his mother no. NEVER. Sure, he tells her "no, Wild Man can't eat that," or "no, Wild Man doesn't need another toy." But he never says, "I'm sorry, Mom, but M and I have already made our plans and we're not going to change them because you've changed your mind." Instead he says to me, "It's just easier to go along with her than to fight her," which is why she feels like she can dictate whatever she wants. I cannot even count how many times I have had to change plans with my family or my friends because Yetta has decided she has to be in control. Holiday dinners are always at her house, and if we're in town, we're expected to be there. My family may or may not be invited, and if they aren't invited, they are expected to make their plans around Yetta's plans, ensuring we attend both dinners. She has never once waited to find out what my family is going to do before she plans her various holiday extravaganzas; she has never once given my parents the opportunity to host a holiday dinner. On the few occasions we've traveled to my grandparents (who are in the 80s and in poor health) for a holiday, she has tried to invite herself to those events, saying things like "M's mother is going to be there; why can't I?" To which I, not C, say, "Well, of course, my mom's is going to be there; they are her parents!" And really, I'm not angry at Yetta. I'm angry at C because he lets her do it. There are no consequences for her at all. When she acts like a spoiled child, which she can do, he gives in--something he never, never does with Wild Man, I might add. And frankly, I'm tired of it.

What happens tomorrow remains to be seen, and apparently I have more built up anger about this particular issue than I realized. I just want C and Yetta to understand that it is a bit unreasonable to expect a 2-year-old to be happy to spend the day driving around, looking at fall foliage, and antiquing. I'd also like C to understand that the world won't come to an end if he says no to his mother, and I'd like her to know the same thing.

Family Visit

C left at 11:00 this morning to pick up Yetta and Pita, who are visiting for Wild Man's birthday, at the nearest major U.S. airport. Their flight arrived at 2:15, so after he picked them up, they stopped for lunch, did some "quick" shopping at Target (there is one about 5 miles from said airport), and headed back to CU Land at 4:40! If you think you detect some annoyance in this post, you're correct! Given the fact that it typically takes a minimum of 45 minutes to cross the border, they won't be back until about 7:30 at the latest, or 15 minutes before Wild Man's bedtime. This already bodes well for trying to keep him on any sort of schedule during their visit.